[chuff]

The advice I've been receiving is wonderful. I managed to take some baby steps today. I didn't call a chatline even once today. (So, this means I did not pretend to be a tiny blonde; I was myself all day.) I did a mountain of dishes and took out bags of trash. I took a shower after almost one week. I flossed and brushed after three days. I did not drink my usual two liters of Pepsi but instead drank two glasses of water and a cup of tea. I got two appetizers from my favorite Thai restaurant instead of getting bags of food from several fast food restaurants. I ate seven Debbie Cakes instead of ten. My goal for tomorrow is to go to work. I'm still building up the nerve to go to an OA meeting. As most of you have advised, I'm going to focus on my health first.

My God, that's awesome. Huge steps and you did it all in one day. Like I said before you are already better off then you were a week ago. I'm glad you mention the Pepsi because I used to do the same thing only much worse. Sadly, I used to drink 5 or 6 liters of Coke or Dr. Pepper in a day, starting with one right at breakfast. I eventually brought myself down to 1 and then weened myself off for pop for over a year. Occasionally I still have a can of diet Dr. Pepper just to get get a caffeine boost. The only thing that might happen is you might get a caffenine headache since you quit cold turkey. If not your doing great but if you have to ween yourself off that's fine just cut down the intake for a couple days until you only have a can.

I now drink one gallon of water every single day. How I do this is I get gallon jugs of drinking water from the supermarket (tap water in Florida is quite disgusting but if yours is fine don't even buy it) and I drink the gallon throughout the day. So at the end of the day I've got a empty gallon of water. But do you see what I really have done? I've dumbed this down for myself so that it's a no brainer. I just drink from the jug until it's gone. Drinking a gallon of water is not as hard as it sounds over the course of the day so and I highly recommend it. But not only is it healthy for you, flushes your system, removes debry from your body, has zero calories, but it putting water into your stomach stops hunger cravings.

[Gem07]

Thank you again everyone. Your words are inspiring and powerful. You have no idea how much you're helping me. I'm crying as I type this, I feel like things can and will change.

I almost called my doctor today to book an appointment. Over a year ago, he'd asked me questions about my daily habits and I lied. I'd told him I sleep well, exercise, and rarely eat fast food! My BMI is 49 and he knew it. Anyway, this time, I will not lie to my doctor although it's going to be embarrassing to tell the truth.

I was close to calling in sick again but I remembered what all of you said about making things manageable. I thought about one task at a time (getting out of bed, brushing my teeth, fixing my hair). I even put on contacts and makeup. Before I knew it, I was at work.

The Pepsi headache was awful today. I took two aspirin and slept for four hours. I stopped at the grocery store for my usual bags of food and told myself, "Get anything you want but skip the Pepsi." I bought unhealthy fare (steak, macaroni and cheese) but threw in healthier items (broccoli, yogurt, water). I skipped the bakery. I only had one Debbie Cake today.

And instead of getting my usual from the deli (premade fatty meals; barbecued ribs; and egg, ham, potato, and chicken salads) I only got one thing: 1/4 lb. of dill red-skinned potato salad. I laughed when the deli worker handed me the container: it was so tiny! Usually, I'm handed heavy container after heavy container.

My poor eating habits began when I was 11. I'd ride my bike to the corner store with friends or siblings and buy a bottle of Coke and some candy. It was fun and harmless at first. But soon, I was going alone and buying fried chicken, candy bars, and cake frosting and eating in my locked bedroom. When I turned 16, I had a job and a car and I'd drive from one fast food restaurant to another to another. I'd stop at park or hotel dumpsters to throw away evidence. I was in good shape at this time (5'3" and 125 lbs.). By age 20, I was 175 lbs. and buying whole pies and cheesecakes and eating until I felt sick. And now, ten years later, the addiction's become a monster which has overtaken my mind/body.

Using food for comfort is an enormous crutch. When I've tried to stop eating and deal with life, I cannot. I absolutely need food. I feel like I'll die if I don't indulge. I'm sharing these thoughts to prepare myself for sharing them in real life soon.

For now, I've set aside my other problems: horrendous credit card bills, the phone sex relationship with a married man, my search for a better career, and being isolated and without friends. I'm going to tackle one thing at a time until life is good again. And dealing with just my mental/physical health is quite a monkey. He's been on my back for a very long time.

[sypher373]

Its good to hear your getting yourself out of this. Doesn't it feel great to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel?

I almost called my doctor today to book an appointment. Over a year ago, he'd asked me questions about my daily habits and I lied. I'd told him I sleep well, exercise, and rarely eat fast food! My BMI is 49 and he knew it. Anyway, this time, I will not lie to my doctor although it's going to be embarrassing to tell the truth.

As far as that goes, you said he knew you lied last time, and shouldn't it be more embarrassing to get caught lying than to know you told the truth? You shouldn't worry aobut being embarrassed, because you are now working on changing it. As was said before, you are one of a small percentage who is doing something about the problems you are facing, and you should be proud of that, not embarrassed.

Don't think that your doctor hasn't dealt with people in your situation, or situations much worse before, I'm sure he has. Don't be so hard on yourself :)

[chuff]

Thank you again everyone. Your words are inspiring and powerful. You have no idea how much you're helping me. I'm crying as I type this, I feel like things can and will change.

And I can feel too. I sense your making progress. I sense your on a new path. You know, I'm sorry I didn't think of this sooner but check out this link for the “Law of Attraction” by Teaching.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...tml#post306009

I'm not going to pretend to be an expert but in that post I mention the movie “The Secret.” I've seen the movie twice now and I don't really understand the Law of Attraction to it's fullest such as Val or Bluerose but the basic premise is that you have to focus on positive things to get positive results. The movie is a documentary and it might be good for you to watch it and see about changing your focus. I don't have a good grasp of it, but it's a motivating movie if nothing else. Check out the link and see some of the positive feedback there, which might help you.

I almost called my doctor today to book an appointment. Over a year ago, he'd asked me questions about my daily habits and I lied. I'd told him I sleep well, exercise, and rarely eat fast food! My BMI is 49 and he knew it. Anyway, this time, I will not lie to my doctor although it's going to be embarrassing to tell the truth.

Gem, he's a doctor. He knows you were lying but what can he do force you to tell the truth? He's been lied to before and will be again it's part of the territory for them. Don't be embarrassed to take your life back and admit your not perfect. I might suggest writing all your symptoms or concerns down before hand and if you get embarrassed or forget you can just hand him the list of concerns. I think your doctor would be proud of you for taking a stand and concern about this and not look down on you at all. I bet if you were to ask him, and in fact I think you should ask him, “Do you wish everybody took stand and made changes like I'm doing?” I guarantee his answer is yes.

I was close to calling in sick again but I remembered what all of you said about making things manageable. I thought about one task at a time (getting out of bed, brushing my teeth, fixing my hair). I even put on contacts and makeup. Before I knew it, I was at work.

There you go. One piece at a time and the rest fall into place.

The Pepsi headache was awful today. I took two aspirin and slept for four hours.

Those caffeine withdrawal headaches are horrible! I'm nervous to suggest this because your making such great progress but if it reoccurs today you might want to drink some Pepsi but just not the full 2 liters. If you can wean yourself off you won't feel the headaches.

I stopped at the grocery store for my usual bags of food and told myself, "Get anything you want but skip the Pepsi." I bought unhealthy fare (steak, macaroni and cheese) but threw in healthier items (broccoli, yogurt, water). I skipped the bakery. I only had one Debbie Cake today.

That a girl, small steps to a giant leap. Also if you going to eat at fast food places Wendy's has great salads. And you don't have to do this yet if your feeling like it's rushed but you can start preparing meals at home for work and save some money to apply to your bills. Also I'm going to recommend the protein shake again. I shop at Vitamin World and they have 5lbs (and actually less then 5 lbs) of various proteins for anywhere from $25 to $80. But if you can get a decent one for $25 it usually has about 75 to 90 servings in it so it's cheaper then it sounds. As I said, you can make smoothie's, mix it with milk, or water but it really fills you up which is what I love about it.

Also if you have a schedule that allows it, you and you can prepare healthy meals in advance then you can actually increase your meals up to 5 or 6 a day in smaller portions as this actually increases your metabolism. Not something you have to jump into right now, but something you might want to think about incorporating into your life at some point.

My poor eating habits began when I was 11. I'd ride my bike to the corner store with friends or siblings and buy a bottle of Coke and some candy. It was fun and harmless at first. But soon, I was going alone and buying fried chicken, candy bars, and cake frosting and eating in my locked bedroom. When I turned 16, I had a job and a car and I'd drive from one fast food restaurant to another to another. I'd stop at park or hotel dumpsters to throw away evidence. I was in good shape at this time (5'3" and 125 lbs.). By age 20, I was 175 lbs. and buying whole pies and cheesecakes and eating until I felt sick. And now, ten years later, the addiction's become a monster which has overtaken my mind/body.

Using food for comfort is an enormous crutch. When I've tried to stop eating and deal with life, I cannot. I absolutely need food. I feel like I'll die if I don't indulge. I'm sharing these thoughts to prepare myself for sharing them in real life soon.

Well that stuff works as a teenager, as you point out, because our metabolism is running on high. But as we get older the eating habits stay the same but the body changes. Gem, you are in the MAJORITY of Americans who this happens too. Even if you were in the minority it's good that you can trace it back and find it's source. That being said you have to forgive that 11 year old because she didn't know any better just like all 11 years olds don't know the complexities of the human body or what food, especially in our fast food culture does to the human body. You created some habits as a child because you didn't know you were creating them. Now as an adult you can create some positive habits that will influence your life but you have an advantage as an adult in that you know what your doing so you can actually focus on it.

For now, I've set aside my other problems: horrendous credit card bills, the phone sex relationship with a married man, my search for a better career, and being isolated and without friends. I'm going to tackle one thing at a time until life is good again. And dealing with just my mental/physical health is quite a monkey. He's been on my back for a very long time.

I like your strategy one thing at a time, piece by piece.

Also on a personal note, your not isolated or without friends anymore, you've got all of us here standing beside you. Welcome aboard.

[Gem07]

I'm reading and rereading everyone's answers again for strength. I tried to call a chatline today but it was busy for a long time, so I took a nap.

I've been conscious of what I've been eating the last few days. I skipped breakfast instead of getting a #2 from McDonald's (Sausage McMuffin, hash browns, and a Coke). I had a can of Slim-Fast for lunch. Alone in my apartment after work, I ate barbecued chicken, macaroni salad, Diet Vernor's, and a Payday candy bar. After my four-hour nap, I ate broiled steak, broccoli, cheesy rice, more Diet Vernor's, and a Debbie Cake. This is much better than what I usually eat. I normally consume an entire cake and eat several additional meals.

The married comedian left me a voicemail saying he's booked a gig in my city in August (he's on the West Coast, I'm on the East). Last night I told him I'd been breaking into his wife's cell phone to check her messages and, less than 24 hours later, her number's changed. So much for me, his "true love." He fiercely protects her and it hurts. I know on a logical/rational level that this whole situation is immoral, unethical, and a dead-end, but on an emotional level, it's difficult.

He calls daily and makes me feel important. He came to visit once and I was the chauffeur for him and his friend to/from comedy gigs and he'd buy me dinner at Denny's at to a.m. He showed me his wedding ring with his wife's name engraved. I cried nonstop at the airport when he left. It must have been quite a sight: morbidly obese single woman sobbing as skinny, married comedian leaves to go back to his family. That was the one and only time in four years he came to see me.

Lately, I want to fly to his city but only because I'm dying to know what his wife looks like. I know her ethnic background and have an image in my head. I imagine getting a ticket, flying there, renting a car, sitting outside their house, seeing her, flying home. Is she pretty? Is she skinny? Is her hair long and curly like he claims? Is she feminine in her walk? Does she wear dresses, heels, jewelry, makeup? Or is she a tomboy like he claims?

I hate being so wrapped up in this. I'm obsessed. I know it's phone sex, but he makes me feel special. I fear that once I've let him go, I'll never mentally connect with anyone again.. . I initially thought all of you would focus on this situation (which is why I posted in Relationships). But the spotlight was shone on my physical health and mental outlook. That surprised me, but it makes sense.

I called and asked him why his wife has a new number. He wouldn't tell me. It turned into an argument. I said my usual: I'm sick of you, Focus on your family, Stop calling me, Don't call me again, This is just phone sex, You're a liar, Your actions show you love her, I'm tired of all your talk, I don't want to talk to you again, I never want to see you again, You don't care about me, I have to protect myself from you, You're mean, Stop calling at for a.m. Get marriage counseling, You need help, etc.

After the call, I ate a bologna sandwich with some Diet Vernor's.

[SouthernBelle06]

Hi Gem.

Congratulations on working on your eating habits! 3 cheers! You seem to be still taking baby steps, which is great.

You wrote that you are surprised that we all focused on your health and self esteem in our replies to you rather than on your situation with the married man. Personally, I want you to focus first on straightening out your life and your health because I truly believe that your involvement in this situation (with the married internet man) is a by-product of your depression and critically low self-esteem. I truly think that he is really more of a distraction, an escape, or "drug" so to speak to escape from how unhappy you are in your reality.

Therefore, if you improve your self-esteem and your reality, I don't think that you will find yourself needing all of these vices and escapes. Make any sense? If you felt good about you and properly valued yourself, you wouldn't settle for so little from a man. You said that he makes you feel good about yourself and you are afraid of never connecting with someone again. Right now you probably don't feel that you deserve any better than this. Again, by-product of YOUR low self-esteem. Others treat us the way we treat ourselves. You are treating yourself like you don't matter, like you don't respect yourself, like you don't love yourself, like you are nothing... is the treatment you are you getting from men reflecting that? I think that it is.

And please don't feel tempted to fly out to spy on this married man's wife. Forget that. What matters here is you and your life (not to minimize her plight with a cheating husband to deal with, but the focus here is you). That is what needs to be fixed first. Okay? Don't waste your time and money with that. Spend your money on your bills, purchasing some self -esteem books, healthy foods, a visit to a physician, some exercise DVDs or a membership to a women's workout facility. Invest in YOUR worth rather than your insecurity. Hang in there girl!

Southern belle.

[ordinaryguy]

Gem, you are a brave and beautiful person. So many times people post here, get some good advice, and disappear back into the fog of their delusion, depression or whatever. But you are taking real actions with real benefits that are building up momentum toward finding the real you that has been hiding under this mountain of doubt and denial.

I am so proud of you. You are providing inspiration to more people than you even know. Lots of people lurk and read these threads without ever posting, so your example of how to reclaim your life and your real self is here for others who feel as you did to benefit from.

It's also a big boost for those who give good advice to have someone take it and apply it and make real changes for the better instead of making excuses about why they can't do it or it won't work for them. So thank you for that as well. Hang in there, and do keep us posted. It's so exciting and rewarding to see your rebirth.

[valinors_sorrow]

You are doing what you can, I am proud of you and these are some very good things Gem.

There are two things I would like you to think about which may cause some unnecessary stumbling.

One is your recovery doesn't seem very organized or structured which is understandable in the beginning but it can be helped out a lot by more of a plan. It helps to know first things first and it also helps to not take on too much too soon, thereby avoiding two of the most common places to derail-- confusion and overload.

Secondly, the longer you do this with just us as support the longer you are still really missing out on what a face-to-face healthy connection can offer you. I know this is a really big step. Connecting with your doctor, a counselor, an old friend or a member of some sort of support group can make the difference between success and failure. I don't want you to feel nagged about this so I won't say anything more than this, just please give this a fair shake in your thoughts too, okay?

PS - Just to be certain I was recommending a good thing, I dropped in at a local OA meeting yesterday to ask some questions. I met a wonderfully kind woman who assured me that my "friend" would be very very welcome despite anything she may have done. There were people, mostly women, of all shapes and sizes.

[chuff]

Your not his wife, Gem. Your not really his girlfriend. Your just someone for him to toy around with and you’ve got more value then that.

Lately, I want to fly to his city but only because I'm dying to know what his wife looks like. I know her ethnic background and have an image in my head. I imagine getting a ticket, flying there, renting a car, sitting outside their house, seeing her, flying home. Is she pretty? Is she skinny? Is her hair long and curly like he claims? Is she feminine in her walk? Does she wear dresses, heels, jewelry, makeup? Or is she a tomboy like he claims?

Why does any of the matter? What would any of that prove or do for you?

I hate being so wrapped up in this. I'm obsessed.

You said it. Your obsessed. Now I really think you should see that movie, “the secret” that is in that is the subject in that other thread. In the movie and what the law of attraction is based on is the idea that what you focus on is what life gives you. If you focus on “my life is full of bad luck” then you get a life full of bad luck. If you focus on “I have huge debt” you get more debt. While your focus is on this guy almost out of habit. While you can change your focus and change your habits.

You said a few posts back this was a new way of thinking for you. You were so correct. You have habits or “beliefs” (read the book I told you by Robert Dilts because he goes into this) that have lead you to this point. Those can be changed and new beliefs and new habits can be formed. But you have to consciously bring your focus to something else besides that guy or phone sex. When you think of those things you have to consciously direct your mind elsewhere. I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy because the brain runs your life in an unconscious way so that you can focus on you day to day life but always brings itself back to those beliefs or habits. But to change them you have to be conscious about it.

I’ve even had conversations with myself, where I said “that particular belief was great for that era in my life but I need to change it to this belief now.” This doesn’t work on the first attempt, you have to keep working at it but eventually you will change.

I know it's phone sex, but he makes me feel special. I fear that once I've let him go, I'll never mentally connect with anyone again. ... I initially thought all of you would focus on this situation (which is why I posted in Relationships). But the spotlight was shone on my physical health and mental outlook. That surprised me, but it makes sense.

Exactly. SouthernBelle covered that and said it much better then I can. But your guy friend from the phone line won’t be there with you forever, but your mental and physical health will be. Worry about that now and as you improve in the coming weeks, months, and years the rest of the emotional crutches will fall away.

[Gem07]

I find myself here for strength once again. I was up until 3 a.m. fretting and worrying about life and love. I called in sick to work again. I secured a second job as a phone actress (AKA phone sex operator).

I drove toward the 7 p.m. OA meeting today and couldn't go. I kept driving straight to a fast-food joint, unfortunately. My food intake was terrible today: half a veggie pizza, BBQ chicken wings, a liter of Sprite, one Debbie Cake, a Burger King chicken sandwich, two cookies, a cherry slushee... God knows what else.

My married phone pal called and said he can't wait to see me in August. I told him I wouldn't be in town and I had to go because I had a date. Yeah, right. Anyway, he hung up on me and then called back to ask when I'd be home. I said 10:00. He called several times at 10:00 but I didn't answer; I continued eating pizza and laying on my couch. I called Verizon to change my cell number today so he'd be unable to reach me, but I changed my mind.

Valinor, I cannot believe you went to an OA meeting for me! That's so kind, I'm speechless. They have meetings every single day here. I will try again this weekend. I live in a large metropolitan city and there are meetings on every corner. Lots of overeaters in the Midwest, apparently. There's one meeting, and I find this so funny, right behind a McDonald's! It reminds me of the time I joined Weight Watcher's several years ago (I was 200 lbs. at the time) and went straight from the meeting to an all-you-can-eat buffet.

I have a week off work coming up soon, so I'm going to schedule doctor's visits, dentist's visits, optometrist's visits, etc. for that time. I'm looking forward to reporting on tangible results. There have been some, but they're not dramatic yet.

Chuff, I like the way you expressed ideas about emotional crutches. I have lots of those, indeed.

Southernbelle, I'll invest in my worth and not my insecurity. You're right. But, I would LOVE to know what she looks like! Does anyone here live in Seattle? Would you be willing to run a quick errand for me? Just kidding. No, I'm not. I wish I knew someone out there who could run by her house and take her photo and FedEx it to me. I know that sounds sick, but I'm aching to know what this woman looks like. I need to get a grip.

[chuff]

I find myself here for strength once again.

You've found a good place for strength. I also like that you putting everything down because writing (or in this case typing) it out is a great way to see what your really doing.

I was up until 3 a.m. fretting and worrying about life and love. I called in sick to work again. I secured a second job as a phone actress (AKA phone sex operator).

Gem, how can you keep your job if you call in all the time?

Secondly, getting a second job is okay if you want to start working on the bills but getting one as a phone sex operator is not condusive to providing you with the long term results your seeking, as far as removing yourself from that scene.

I drove toward the 7 p.m. OA meeting today and couldn't go. I kept driving straight to a fast-food joint, unfortunately. My food intake was terrible today: half a veggie pizza, BBQ chicken wings, a liter of Sprite, one Debbie Cake, a Burger King chicken sandwich, two cookies, a cherry slushee ... God knows what else.

Well I saw a lot of positives in the above quote that I think you've overlooked and aren't giving yourself credit for.

The first is you drove to OA meeting. True, you may not have gone inside,
1. Made the decision to leave your apartment.
2. Got ready.
3. Actually left the apartment.
4. Drove to the destination.

Now for a woman, who by her own admission just a week ago didn't leave her apartment unless it was to get food, you made progress by actually driving to OA. If you have to drive by it a couple times go ahead. If you have to pull into the parking lot and but not go inside do that. But you've already got momemtum going so use it until you walk in the meeting. The Gem of last week would not have got off the couch so start giving yourself credit when you take positive steps.

As for the relapse in food I want you to think about something. You stated in an earlier post that you've been eating like this for 15 years as a result of habits you developed as a child. So you've been doing this for 15 years and in the last 4 days you've cut down your food intake before today's relapse. Fifteen years of bad habits and you hung in there for 4 days. Not bad. Now let's just see if you can up it to 5 days. Don't make a lifetime commitment, just 5 days of eating healthier.

I think some would read the above and I think they way you wrote it suggested that is was a huge setback where I see it as a huge step forward. Your not at your destination, but this wouldn't have happened a week ago. Four days of cutting down you food intake and leaving and driving to OA are already improvements from where you were just 7 days ago.

[SouthernBelle06]

Gem, I feel for you. I really do. I really think that you want to change, you dream of change, but a part of you is not willing to give up your "crutches" and addictions. They are like a security blanket for you. The ironic comfort zone which is "misery" for you. It's somehow working for you.

I am not a huge Dr. Phil fan, but I do know that he says "people do what works". Living the life you are living is serving some purpose for you, whether it is allowing you to hide from life, excuse yourself from responsibility for your own life, feel sorry for yourself, or (and I hate to say this) continuing to be lazy. I know that change is difficult and overwhelming. It's easier to just say "forget it" and keep doing what you are doing. That's the "easy" way. We can give you all the advice in the world, Gem, but the decision to follow it is entirely up to you. I think that you will only begin to make a change when you gain enough respect for yourself that this lifestyle isn't working for you anymore. Necessity facilitates change (or maybe it's invention... but same concept).

I fear that you are going to keep doing what you are doing until you are terminated from your job, lose your apartment, have your heart broken even worse by this man, and are diagnosed with diabetes or worse. As a nurse, I can't even begin to tell you the health problems I see that are weight and diabetes related, directly brought on by poor diets. I'm sure that you are aware of the health risks of your behavior, but still are finding it difficult to stop. It's like telling a smoker about the health risks of their behavior. They are aware, but still don't stop until they are diagnosed with an illness. Then it is too late.

It's almost as if you want to see what this man's wife looks like so you can compare yourself to her and feel even worse about yourself. It's like your soul is seeking to punish itself even worse. You need to stop this self hatred, Gem, or it's just going to spiral worse and worse for you. This new phone sex job... I think it's just another way of escape for you. It will isolate you further from reality.

I wish I could give you a hug Gem and be a friend to you and go work out with you! As val stated, you really do need structured help because when you try to do it on your own, you can tend to have setbacks when things don't go right. Think long and hard Gem. You are on the verge of making change. Keep making those baby steps!

[Gem07]

I have great news to report... I went to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting today! I bought the 12-step book and got additional literature, exchanged phone numbers with an OA member, and shared some of my experiences with the group. All of that happened today, in real life! I actually broke out of my fantasy world of talking on the phone with strange men and indulging in artery-clogging foods and did something healthy!

I had planned to go a meeting on Thursday but drove past and went to Burger King instead. (The irony!) On Saturday morning, I skipped the 10:30 a.m. meeting and decided to sleep in. I was feeling sluggish and lethargic. But I was bound and determined to make it to the 7:30 p.m. meeting. I showered, got dressed, put on my contacts, makeup, did my hair, etc. Heck, I even did my nails.

I almost didn't go in when I pulled into the lot, I was terrified. Absolutely frozen solid terrified. I sat in the parking lot, saw all the cars, couldn't get out. I didn't want to be the fattest person there. I didn't want to walk in and have everyone picture me overeating with grease stains on my shirt. I didn't want to be judged. I didn't want everyone to know that I'm struggling terribly. I finally decided to just go in and see what it was about. And I'm so glad I did. Everyone was friendly and open and welcoming. We read from Ch. 1 of the 12-step book and then everyone shared experiences. If you didn't want to read or didn't want to share, you just said, "Pass" and they skipped you. When you talk, no one interrupts or interjects thoughts, you just talk and then you're thanked for sharing. No one evaluates or critiques what you've said. People will nod as you talk, but no one says a word. They encouraged me to go to six meetings before deciding whether the program was for me.

This is a big step for me. Huge. I fought so much fear. You have no idea what a big hurdle it was to get out of my car and walk up to that door and ring that doorbell. I wanted to jump back in my car and zoom off to the Krispy Kreme drive-thru for a dozen custard-filled chocolate glazed.

The woman I exchanged numbers with invited me to a meeting at a different location where there will be a speaker. So, I definitely plan to go! That's my next goal and I know I can do it. I'm not going to plan for next month, I'll just plan to go to that meeting and see what happens. Thursday at 6:00.

I have not forgotten about the advice to seek counseling and therapy for what a lot of you have said sounds like depression. I have no idea how to go about finding a counselor/therapist/social worker/psychologist/psychiatrist/etc. Who do I seek out? I'm not convinced that I'm depressed... I just don't like the sound of it, quite honestly... but I'm here for assistance and if that's the general consensus, there's no harm in sitting down and talking to a professional. I'm not seeing clearly in this fog of exhaustion.

My married phone pal called today, of course, and I tuned him out while he yapped about how important I am to him. I care about you yap yap yap, we'll be together one day yap yap yap, I love you yap yap yap. He says all that yet blocks his number when he calls and I'm forbidden to call his house and he's only seen me once in four years. I do not believe that's love. I use fatty and/or sugary foods as an escape; he's using me for an escape, too (and vice versa). I kept repeating "You're married" whenever he said anything and he said, "Just drop my status for a minute and see me as a human being with feelings." I told him I didn't want to have phone sex with him and he said, "No one will ever make you feel as good as I do." He reminded me that he'll be in town on Aug. 22 and wants to see me. I told him if he's married when he shows up, I won't be seeing him. He said that there's no harm in meeting a friend for dinner. He's got an answer for everything. He's the devil in disguise.

For now, I'm going to tackle one demon at a time. One moment at a time.

[ordinaryguy]

For now, I'm going to tackle one demon at a time. One moment at a time.

You've got the right approach here--slow and steady, eyes on the prize. I'm really glad to hear that you've confronted the demon of fear and gone to the OA meeting. It will be SO helpful to have kindred spirits close at hand for support and reinforcement.

By the way, something I've noticed from the beginning about your posts--you write really well. This is a talent and a skill that is in short supply in the world, and it has real value. You haven't said what kind of work you do, but if it doesn't make use of this talent of yours, you have opportunities for advancement that you may not have thought about.

[SouthernBelle06]

Good for you Gem! I truly hope that you will give OA a chance to begin to improve your life. You may even make some friends there. Remember that everyone there is going through the same thing that you are, so don't hesitate to keep going to the meetings. I really hope that this is just the beginning of happiness for you. It's good to see you beginning to take charge and take responsibility for your happiness rather than living as a "poor me" victim. As someone said to me the other day, either you run your life or it runs you. Keep us posted on your progress. Again, way to go Gem!

[Gem07]

Thank you for your support, everyone! And thanks for the compliments on my writing; it is something I absolutely love to do. It's what I would do full-time. It makes me incredibly happy.

A friend who lives thousands of miles away (and who I've never even met) called today and insisted I call a mental health professional immediately after hearing details of what's been going on. She was happy to hear I'd reached out to OA, but she agreed with everyone here that it's serious depression and needs to be addressed. So, I'm calling tomorrow as it's too late to make an appointment now. After I set up the appointment, my friend wants me to phone her with the day/time.

[Gem07]

OK, I've taken my next big step. I made an appointment with a PhD psychologist for Thursday after work. The phone evaluation was about 20 minutes.

My biggest problem is going to be being completely honest with the doctor. I have a habit of hiding certain habits (like my phone sex addiction, food addiction, phone relationship with the married guy, etc.). There are things that I just don't share with anyone face-to-face because I know they're wrong and show my true character. Maybe I'll make a list of issues and just hand it to the doc.

Thanks again for the support and the gentle nudges in the right direction. I refuse to live my whole life this way.

[SouthernBelle06]

Congratulations Gem. So proud of you! If it helps any, I work in the health care profession and no matter what you are afraid of telling your doctor or therapist, trust me, he or she has likely heard it before and will not make you feel badly about it. Using the list is a good idea if you feel shy about opening up face to face. I think that they will understand the things that you are doing though. They are a symptom of a bigger problem which needs to be addressed. I really don't think that they will be as surprised as you seem to think :o

Also, before I went to counseling and took antidepressants for a short time after my mother's death, I pretty much had a complete crying, nervous breakdown in my doctor's office : ) I told her all the negative things I was going through and what I was doing to cope as a result and that I knew I needed help. She didn't make me feel badly at all. It actually felt good to let all the negative emotions out to someone and cry and say, "hey what do I need to do now?" I am so grateful that I took those steps when I did so I didn't go into a negative spiral. Everyone in life has problems and goes through hard times Gem. What matters is our reactions to them. It's good to see you take a stand and say "I refuse to live this way any longer." Good for you.

[chuff]

OK, I've taken my next big step. I made an appointment with a PhD psychologist for Thursday after work. The phone evaluation was about 20 minutes.

Nice work.

My biggest problem is going to be being completely honest with the doctor. I have a habit of hiding certain habits (like my phone sex addiction, food addiction, phone relationship with the married guy, etc.). There are things that I just don't share with anyone face-to-face because I know they're wrong and show my true character. Maybe I'll make a list of issues and just hand it to the doc.

Wow, before I read that last sentence I was actually going to suggest just that approach. That's a fabulous idea not only because of the reason you stated but doctors in general tend to make people nervous and if you even intended to say everything you might forget. The list is the way to go.

Thanks again for the support and the gentle nudges in the right direction. I refuse to live my whole life this way.

I see your also answering some other posts. I have to tell that's how I (and I assume many others) wound up here. I had a problem, got some advice and then just started reading over all the issues and advice on this board from real life situations. This site is a great learning tool, and a bit addictive but you can really find a lot of motivation and education here.

[Gem07]

I went to see a psychologist today. He's not a quick fix. He said he'd like to see me once a week. He was kind of quiet and asking questions, taking notes. Maybe I expected something different? Like a list of things to do to fix my issues? I don't know. He said he's there to help carry the burden. He said he can give me a list of to-do's if I want.

A friend thinks I need to take a leave from work, take anti-depressants, continue to see the counselor, dump the comedian, and quit the phone sex job. But I don't know. I want to just take things one step at a time. I'm seeing the therapist. I'd like him to guide me. He doesn't seem like a perfect match for me, but it's only been one session. My next appt. is April 16. I thought I'd give it a few sessions before I search for someone else.

Does anyone here think that talk therapy combined with diet/exercise and fresh air would help? I'm reluctant to go on meds. The psychologist said he doesn't see a reason for them and that the problems I listed are manageable. But my friend insists that I'm clinically depressed and the only way out is medication coupled with counseling. I'm getting a bit confused. I'm not suicidal, just mentally exhausted and worn out. I don't know. I haven't been to work all week; I really planned to go today but woke up at 3 a.m. and was still wide awake when my alarm rang at 6:30 a.m. I called in sick and was up until 9 a.m. I think I just need a schedule and need to stick to it. I don't know if I can talk myself out of this slump.