[SM0284524]

I need help to fix my relationship with my recently (February 2nd, 2013) ex boyfriend!. We had been together for going on a little over 5 months... We were together everyday and every waking hour when our jobs permitted... The relationship was great! If there was ever a concern or issue that either of us had we would always sit down together and calmly discuss how it made us feel and what we could do to fix the problem... And we would!. We were VERY open and honest with one another (no lying) about everything!.

Now here is where it all went wrong... There is an app called Grindr (gay dating app) that I had logged into to see if my boyfriend was himself logging in... (SIDE NOTE: I have been struggling with trust and jealousy issues lingering from past relationships, have had issues with Grindr before in this current relationship... he wasn't online to try to hook up with anyone... pretty much was just chatting with people... I even accused my boyfriend ( in indirect ways) of cheating when he wasn't... on a couple different occasions... :(Like I said, we spent every day together and never left each others side accept for work so I don't know what the hell I was thinking!)... The first time I logged in I did not find him online so I logged off, didn't delete the app from my phone and then about 30 minutes later logged back in... low and behold he was there (Now, I know that it was not right of me to log in to Grindr with the soul intent of waiting to see if he would be there!)... I then went straight over to his house and confronted him about it... Asked him why he was back on Grindr to which he said that he had just got his old Iphone back up and working and when he booted it up that he still had the app on it so curiosity got the best of him...

He asked me how I had found out that he was online and what I was doing on there myself... This is where I made my big mistake... I didn't want to hurt his feeling or offend him by letting him know that my trust and jealousy issues were getting the best of me yet again so instead of just coming out with it I lied to him and said that a mutual Facebook friend messaged me and told me to check... WORST DECISION I COULD HAVE MADE!. He didn't buy it and rightfully so!. He then replied that he noticed that I too was online (which I could not argue with) and that I was already logged in before the thought of doing it himself had ever crossed his mind.(since I had logged in 30 minutes before he did and he could see that on the app)... He then asked me again why I was logged in to which I then admitted that I was checking up on him (Mind you that this whole time things were escalating to be pretty intense)... He got very upset and said "I dont want to be in a relationship with someone who constantly thinks I'm being unfaithful to them! I'm done!"... I then began to apologize and ask him to reconsider and talk with me. As I asked over and over again He kept responding with "Well its too late!...There is nothing to talk about!...You can leave now!"... Finally, I left...

It has been 4 days now and on the second day since the breakup I initiated a meeting to talk things through to which he agreed to... We met up the next day and I apologized, told him that I had no problem owning the fact that I messed up and that the trust issues and my unwillingness to be honest with him for the first time that night were what I realized was the issue that put us in the spot that we are in right now... He agreed and then went on to say that for him, it was more about the fact that I lied to him... He said that it broke his trust in me and that now instead of just me having the trust issues he feels as though he cannot trust me also... Apparently he kept second guessing why I was actually on Grindr the entire time we had been separated since the breakup and had been building this trust issue for himself... I 100% TRUTHFULLY FEEL LIKE ABOUT ALL OF THIS!. We went on to calmly talk through things but he said that as of right now he doesn't know what he wants He needs time to think and see if he misses me... He said that he DOES care a lot about me, has missed me over the past couple days but at the same time had felt a little smothered and that the time we had been apart was a little bit of a relief... allowed him alone time and breathing room... I had asked him if he was thinking about exploring other option (meaning dating other guys) to which he replied that the idea of having to start over from square one and get to know someone new all over again isn't what he wanted to have to do and that he realizes that we have 5 months invested in our relationship... He said that he doesn't know if its normal to want to spend time alone after spending everyday for the last 5 months together... also saying that since I have trust issues that he worries that if he does spend time away from me that it will make those worse if I don't know what he is up to...

A damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. (I know that this is completely normal and told him that I was definitely willing to allow him his own space) I am trying my damndest to stop worrying so much about what he is up to at all time... YES its proving to be extremely challenging since we aren't together as a couple right now and we haven't spoken much but I'm giving it 100%!. NOW, HOLD ON GUYS! IM GETTING TO MY QUESTION SHORTLY!. He left the night we met up and chatted by saying that he still wanted to stay in contact and that I was welcome to text him if I wanted to... My question is that since he asked for space, wanted time to see if he would miss me and needed to have some time to sort out his own thoughts... How often should I be contacting him? Today (February 6th, 2013) was actually the first day he initiated contact with me but I have been reading numerous relationship advice article and that said even if he texts me that I shouldn't respond right away ( I did though) or not at all in order to leave him guessing if I am still interested in him or if I do respond then to leave my responses to a minimum...

I don't know if I should follow the advice in the articles or not!. Truth be told I would love to simply text him and see how he is doing, what he's been up to, what he is thinking about at many different points throughout the day but I know that this will drive him crazy and make him upset that I'm not giving him time without hearing from me... I want him to miss me and see that I AM worth that 2nd chance!. Can anyone give me their outside advice on what I should do and how I should handle contact with him in this delicate point in time!! IT WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED!

[Homegirl 50]

Let him contact you. If he text you, you can text him back . This was a short relationship and maybe you two spent too much time with each other but he was on the site looking so I don't know why you are feeling all the guilt.

[talaniman]

You better take advantage of this time apart to get some self control over your own feelings my friend, or act whack and ruin everything when it was needless and dishonest.

Since this blow up, and things have been redefined, the focus should NOT be to fix things and get back together, but to improve yourself and get a life beyond him, because clearly things moved too fast for you to keep up.

Too much, too fast, crash and burn.

You have to slow down and work on your own trust issues and see what happens in a more realistic way and get those impulses under control. I think he has issues of his own as well and has to make his own personal judgments. He dumped you, instead of talking, so he must miss you on his own, without your influence, and that may take a longer time than you should wait, so don't just sit and worry, get up and get a life that makes you happy, so you will never just be caught making someone so important in your life so soon that you fail to be a happy healthy well adjusted person and get so attached so fast that you hurt yourself, and anyone else you get involved with.

For now though any contact will give you false hope and keep you distracted with wonder over that 2nd chance you want so bad. For now work on YOU first, and a 2nd chance is for much later. I say this because you have already given him a chance to take you back and he declined for whatever reason so break that emotional dependence first so you can see facts that are NOT clouded by strong feelings.

Leave him alone for a month, and get your act under control, but don't be lead by stupid because you are thrilled he texts you to see where your head is at. If indeed he wants a second look, you better be damn sure you don't look like you did the first go round with the same issues you had when you got dumped.

That's the goal, NOT wishing for changing yourself to impress him, but impressing yourself, and being a better you by resolving your OWN issues. Love starts with loving yourself, not with someone loving you. Anything less is a junkie looking for his dope, and the quick fix it brings.

Don't be that attention junkie and take care of your own business. Be good to yourself. Whether he texts or NOT. Hope for the best, plan for the worst, but never be a fool because of your own heart you gave away because you thought you had love.

[Oliver2011]

Oy vey! Where do I begin with this one?

First off I am gay. I am in a relationship with an incredible man and the relationship is very successful. Let me tell you how it is done.

Adam and I have known each other for over 2.5 years. Well longer than that but we have been dating for that long. I was also seeing 3 other people because I didn't want to be exclusive. In October I think we decided to be exclusive. He moved in at the end of last month.

You can't jump into a relationship head first without getting to know the person. Also it doesn't matter if you are gay or straight - you can't spend every second with that person. You have to keep your friends and your interests. Adam surfs every weekend. I play tennis every weekend. That didn't change when we started dating or when he moved in. We work at the same company. He drives his car and I drive my car.

The point I am trying to make is you have to set up the relationship to succeed. Do they always succeed? NO! But doing the right things in the beginning will help you get to the end goal = LOVE.

[joypulv]

Why do so many people say everything is going great ("VERY open and honest with one another (no lying)") and in the same breath they admit to snooping?
Then lying?
Then accusing, as part of the lie?
TRIPLE WHAMMY.
You have serious issues that have nothing to do with him or anyone else past or present. Get some therapy, possibly a group, which might be best for you. Don't tell him. Don't contact him. If he does contact you, tell him you are getting help that you can't get out of a book. Your lack of trust is so deep that you don't even notice that you think a relationship is all wonderful at the same time that you are suspicious.

[joypulv]

UM.. is this the same guy you were having a NOT good relationship with? Your stories don't gibe at all. You wrote about all the problems on 12/31/12, 5 weeks ago. Now you start saying everything has been wonderful for 5 months.

[JudyKayTee]

Joy beat me to the punch - two stories in a very short period.

Probably not worth answering until the truth - which version - becomes known.

And I agree - a relationship which is perfect BUT... is not a perfect relationship.

Now - concerning dating and relationships. I married a man I knew fewer than 7 weeks. We remained married until he died. We didn't have any "buts" in our relationship - that makes the difference.