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    cookster1947's Avatar
    cookster1947 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Feb 4, 2013, 04:16 AM
    Adult daughter disrespectful
    I raised my two daughters with a lot of yelling, which I feel guilty about and have apologized for. I have bailed out the youngest daughter out of so many financial situations thousands of dollars. She has three children. Two of them are young. She says I don't listen, am rude to her friends because I interrupt them when talking, I use my crying to manipulate, never have anything positive to say to anyone, ask too many questions, and when I told her she was cold she said she learned it from me

    In the past 6 yrs, I have lost my 2nd husband to cancer, lost my sister, lost a brother to colon cancer, and lost a twin brother to pancreatic cancer. I was in a very bad car accident four years ago and got hurt badly. I suffer from depression, am on medication, went to grief counseling a couple of times and it wasn't helpful.

    Anyway my youngest daughter and I got in a real yelling match via e-mail. I am so hurt, and feel like I have tried to atone for my actions years ago. She is going through a divorce.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #2

    Feb 4, 2013, 04:29 AM
    Sounds like both of you are being disrespectful. And it takes two to yell match,
    Even if she yells you don't, and then she won't yell as much.

    Sounds like both of you have gone though lots of issues and both have relationship issues.

    Perhaps a old rule, don't say anything if it is not nice
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
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    #3

    Feb 4, 2013, 05:52 AM
    Sorry to be harsh, but I don't think you atoned for anything. An apology is merely the start of changing your life. Money doesn't buy forgiveness. She is angry at you for your disfunctional life and the one she grew up with and how it has affected her marriage. You probably have a right to be angry at your mother. And so it goes.
    I'm sorry for the losses you have had recently, but don't use them to manipulate people. They aren't going to have an effect on your daughter. They are separate from your relationship with each other.
    I think it's time the two of you retreated from each other except for some formalities on birthdays and holidays. You might be able to force yourselves to have respectful interactions, even if fake. Sort of a boot camp for respect, as though you are two strangers meeting for the first time. The trouble will be how to start. Going to a therapist together for a few sessions to set up a plan might help. Nothing in depth; just steps to take with each other.
    I didn't get along with my terror of a mother, and still fight internally to be something different, years after her death. It helped a little that she was a bit helpless her last few years, but not much.
    itsallokjay's Avatar
    itsallokjay Posts: 5, Reputation: 3
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    #4

    Feb 4, 2013, 07:16 PM
    Number one-get out of your own self-pity. Your making yourself the victim-please, lady, get over yourself. You think your daughter didn't lose all those family members? They didn't just die in your world, their gone for everybody, and their's more people who miss them than you.

    Number two-you need to talk to her. An apology and money doesn't help anyone.
    Let her know what you really want her to know... don't even mention wanting her forgivness-because your most likely not going to get it.

    Number three-face reality. You screwed up your relationship with your daughter... maybe for good. If she doesn't want to respect you-she most likely has her reasons.

    I know all this-because I was left by my mom... when I was 9 years old. We've never been the same... I know I don't love her, or respect her. Once you mess up-especially with your kids, it's really hard to fix things... because we expect you to be there, and not yell and scream... and actaully care. It takes way more than an apology
    JARIXA's Avatar
    JARIXA Posts: 95, Reputation: 3
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    #5

    Feb 4, 2013, 08:08 PM
    She is disrespecting you as you are disrespecting her. Like everyone says if you don't have something nice to say don't say it at all. You should try to relate with her, start fresh, lay low on the arguments. I'm not trying to be disrespectful but its sounds like your only thinking about yourself your not the only grieving person in the world. Start thinking about how she feels. My mom used to say that your kids should be your first priority. I don't care if she is 80 she should still be your priority. I'm a foster kid and have been for five years andi have 4 sisters and 1 brother... (that I know:( ). I didn't know my baby sisters name or birth till I had to call and ask which horrifies me. I am always stressed out and lots of other things but not once would anyone see me making someone
    Miserable because I am. Everyone always talks about how I make their day. You should be doing that with your daughter. Because what you don't know is that it is hurting you emotionally!! :(:(:(:(:(
    LearningAsIGo's Avatar
    LearningAsIGo Posts: 2,653, Reputation: 350
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    #6

    Feb 7, 2013, 01:02 PM
    I have to agree with most of what has already been said.

    I grew up with a neglectful mother and though I'm in my 30's, I struggle to trust her, which creates tension between us. It takes a great deal of effort to have a civil relationship, which I made up my mind to do for the sake of my own children. Hopefully, your daughter will get there some day, but she may not. One way to help is to live by the Golden Rule. Treat her as you would want to be treated. Just because you gave birth to her, does not mean she will automatically show respect. It's very difficult to adjust and "let go" of difficulties you had as a child. We're always a child to our parents, no matter how old we become.

    I'm sorry for the losses you've experienced. I happen to have personal experience very similar to what you described. That being said, the fact that you listed those things on this post, and mentioned your depression, I can see why your daughter would say those things. It's obviously forefront on your mind and affecting your relationships. You briefly mentioned she's divorcing - clearly, she's going through a difficult time as well and perhaps doesn't feel like she has enough support from you. I assume she's also grieving over the loss of those loved ones? No matter how old, a child always wants to feel like they are cared for by their parent... nothing to do with $$, but emotions.

    I suggest you try grief counseling once again. You can't attempt counseling only a couple of times and expect results. Any type of therapy takes time and needs a serious commitment. Perhaps showing a commitment to heal yourself will also help heal your daughter. At the very least, it will help you and that's an important first step.
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #7

    Feb 7, 2013, 01:49 PM
    You raised your children in an emotionally abusive, volatile environment loaded with lame excuses. So now they are adults and they act like you. Kids learn what the parents teach.

    You are still using really ridiculous excuses for your behavior. It doesn't matter who died, the death of one relative does not pave the way for you to be excused for being nasty and abusive to another member of the family.

    You need to change your own behavior and stop making excuses. Admit what you've done wrong. Stop talking at that point. You don't yet have the right to criticize the behavior of your other family members. They have the right to criticize you. It was your job to teach them properly how to act, and to act properly to them.

    So fix yourself. When you've mastered this for several years you will then have some credibility and can try to influence them to act better toward you.
    rcjo's Avatar
    rcjo Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Nov 15, 2013, 11:12 AM
    Yeah, people make big mistakes. But I get really, REALLY tired of reading about adult children STILL trying to blame their parents for EVERYTHING. When do THEY get to take some responsibility for their own lives? Going to your deathbed blaming your parents for YOUR life is NOT a healthy way to live.

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