[LonelyConfused]

Like the name of the book, my marriage is “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.” We've been married for 18 years and have 6 children ranging in age from 16 to 6. He's a really good man, just not a good husband. He won't go to a doctor or dentist without me being there, but I booked myself in for an operation, was put under, went through recovery and booked myself out on my own while he waited in the car. It hurt that he wasn't there for me. He goes to work and earns a living and that's where it ends. I go to work, do the shopping, arrange kids school stuff, Christmas, Birthday etc presents, everything. He does nothing to help me. At Christmas time I sat for countless hours wrapping and when I asked him to help me he said he was tired and promptly went to sleep each time.

I have told him on countless occasions that I'm tired, emotionally, and need support. His answer is that there's nothing he can do, he's stuck on the farm. I crave time with him, nothing major, just time to sit and chat, yet whenever we are alone for a drive etc, all he talks is about the farm, how his boss annoys him etc. We're intimate only when it suits him, always have been. He used to always tell me he was tired or not feeling up to it if I tried to initiate, I eventually gave up trying. He's told me on two occasions over the years that he's put off intimacy because of my weight, yet apologizes afterward and says he doesn't mean it. I am overweight, but by no means fat. In fact, I weigh less now than when we were married.

He was the one person I always thought would accept me how I was, but it seems not. I've never said anything about how his body has changed with age, it doesn't matter to me. He never sees how unhappy I am, and if he does he says and does nothing. When I do eventually get to where I can't handle it anymore he apologizes and promises me things will be different, they never are for longer than a week though. He tells me he loves me a hundred times a day and begs me not to leave him. I love him, which is why I'm still around, but I am so unhappy. I'm so lonely and don't like the constant feelings of bitterness that I'm feeling. I just can't take the final step and apply for a divorce. Compared to other people's problems mine seem so minor. Am I overreacting?

We have tried counseling and it helped for about a month, then things just went back to normal.

[Fr_Chuck]

Nope, counseling, if he says no, a temporary separation to get his attention. Also stop doing everything his way, don't ask start demanding
Like on gifts, drop the paper in his lap and tell him to get off his >>> and come help

[LonelyConfused]

Nope, counseling, if he says no, a temporary separation to get his attention. Also stop doing everything his way, don't ask start demanding
Like on gifts, drop the paper in his lap and tell him to get off his >>> and come help

Thanks Chuck. Your suggestions are much appreciated. Don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill. Needed to get another person's opinion.

[joypulv]

Studies have shown that men consider their job the number one factor in their happiness, energy, self esteem - you name it. Must be some primeval trait about slaying the saber toothed tiger and bringing it home to the cave. Helping him feel at the very least proud of his abilities and skills may do a lot for this relationship. Try it for a while and if it shows signs of working, tell him what you need. Try to keep it concrete and short.
You might be able to do your own marriage counseling, by sitting down with a list of needs and ways to compromise and trade with each other. Keep that short too, 10 minutes once a week for 4 weeks or something. Ask him to meet with you for the first time in a few days with his list ready. Trading can be fun if you keep some humor in it.

[LonelyConfused]

I tell him regularly how good he is at his job and always try to boost him when he gets down about not being good enough, not earning enough etc. Have never downed him there, quite the opposite. Also tried the list thing when we were going to counseling before. Didn't work because according to him he doesn't have time to do the list. Only time I have to talk to him is after the kids go to bed and by then he's fast asleep. If I try it any other time he gets on the offensive or simply changes the subject. He says he has nothing to say because he doesn't have a problem with the marriage, it's me that has the problem with it.

[joypulv]

So you have been through all the options, and you are at that crossroad... keep writing more here if you want, just to find some sounding boards, and take or leave what you hear. With 6 children at home, I don't know if I would want to leave unless he were a lot worse - beating, drugs, cheating. Maybe you can get some excitement without leaving and without having an affair, by doing something on your own, a course or group hobby or book club, whatever gives you a life that you are missing. It could be argued that you have to take the humdrum man if you are going to have 6 kids. I chose not to have any (I'm 66) and have no conflicts over commitment.

[ANGIE4124]

I seem to identify with this… He’s a good provider yet lacks the overall support valve when you need him. Perhaps he’s the type that’s wired for work and lacks the perception/sensitivity for anything else that makes a marriage whole? A week at a time of good behaviour is all their energy can even muster; then they switch off time and time again. (After all 18 years of conditioning is hard to break?)

I believe you may have to appeal to his sense of work ethic… Bring it to his attention, that whilst he’s great as a provider and good at building a house, he also has responsibilities to building a HOME! A home where all his (or combined) hard hours at work are paid off in one home and happy wife etc… After all, what’s the point of all his labour when you neglect your wife’s needs?

When it comes to asking for his support; it’s more like demanding without hostility of course and spelling it out for them… I want to see you at my bedside when I awake from my operation, would you come over here and help wrap these gifts and so forth. It’s a bit like the book; “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”

Take Care

[talaniman]

Time to visit relatives for a week or week end. You deserve a vacation. Just drop it in his lap and let him figure it out, for a day or too any way. Better yet tell him to sleep with the goats/cows/pigs/horses or roaches since he doesn't know how to treat his woman.

Nothing wrong with telling your mate you're tired of his BS!!

[LonelyConfused]

Thank you everyone for the advise. You've given me a lot to think about. I really appreciate it!