[montanagirl28]

I finally understand what it means when you stop seeing the world through Rose colored glasses. Rose colored glasses must represent love. I don't know if I knew that before or if it was somehow unclear or if it was just something I never thought too much of. Last night those glasses were shattered and I can actually feel my happy, sweet loving outlook on life draining away from me. I never wanted to experience this pain of heartbreak. I've been through a lot in my life. A lot, There was a lot of pain and a lot of abuse. There was a lack of love in my life. Growing up-- my family life was lonely and painful. I kept it all buried down until I had a nervous breakdown my first year of college. The next 6 years after that was rough. I had to drop out of school. I tried moving back in with my family but the living situation went very sour quickly. I worked 2 jobs to try and stay out of the house as much as I could. I wanted to save money to get back into school. But even the very brief time I spent in the house, my father made it very clear that I was unwelcome. I moved out and after that I went through a very severe process of not leaving my house for months. I didn't even know the date when my birthday rolled around and my mother showed up on my doorstep with a cake. I had a very dark time for about a year. It's very foggy but I remember there were a lot of dark and painful thoughts that I never want to experience again. I remember being worried at least a handful of times that I wouldn't live through the night. I had my first anxiety attack a year after that. I thought it was a heart attack.

I called my dad crying and the next day my mother told me he said I was just wanting attention. But my grandfather gave me advice. He said Jackie, when all else fails just get up every day and go to work. Everyone had to work that's all that matters in life. So Xmas eve I called about a job and for 3 years after that I went to work went home, went to sleep kept to myself and did the same thing over and over again. I write all this because I want to make it clear I have experienced pain. I have known the feeling of emptiness and disapproval from my parents. They were never shy about telling me I wasn't good enough to be their daughter. That started when I was 4. The pain of being without love-- let alone unconditional love from my own parents was a scarring one. Somewhere deep inside I felt I never needed to expose myself to love to a relationship. The fear of falling in love with someone who didn't or couldn't love me back was so great that I didn't want to pursue any of it. I told my mother that I would never marry I will always be alone and that's what I wanted. I didn't really feel sad about it. I was more worried about how I would or wouldn't be able to handle heartbreak.

When I was 23 I met Greg and he turned my world and my decisions about life upside down. He shined a light into my world. Walls came down and I began to not only see the beauty of life as I had before-- but to appreciate the heart and the love a person could be capable of. As I fell in love with him, I allowed myself to love everyone else-- whether they were good to me or not I just opened my heart to every aspect of life. That is something I never want to lose. For the first time in my life-- besides from my sweet cat-- I learned what unconditional love felt like. It was scary at first. It took me a long time to accept it because I was so afraid of getting hurt. But I soon found out that he cared for me like no one in the world before. Greg and I have spent 4 wonderful years planning our life our future together. Those of you that have read my other blogs know what a sweet loving and supportive man he is. He is a rock in my life and he makes the world a better place to me. I don't know why this happened. I don't know why.

Last night he told me not to judge him or think him shallow or selfish because of something he wanted to tell me. I told him he could always tell me anything he wanted. He is my best friend after all. He told me that from the day we met, he had not been physically attracted to me. He said I am in love with you I am attracted to your looks and who you are. You are the woman I love, want to marry and have children with but that chemistry is missing and I think that the problem is with me. It felt like a knife cut into me. I swallowed the lump in my throat and said, how could you be the problem? I told him we are best friends and we will always be so. There is no shame admitting that's where our relationship stands. He was adamant that we are more than just friends and he intends on being my husband. But how is this possible? I asked him why he didn't tell me any of this 4 years ago. He said he knew I would want to leave him. He doesn't understand why I am heartbroken. I cried all night in the dark room. How can anything be the same between us now that I know this?

I have been dieting and working out since June of last year. I have never been happier or healthier and though I know I am not a perfect person, I thought he loved me for who I am completely. Unconditionally. Now I know there is a part of me that isn't good enough. And that is what really kills me and breaks me up inside. To feel once again that I am not good enough from someone I didn't expect my other half. I'm not an idiot and I can understand human nature and physical attraction. I know the science behind reproduction and attraction. I do wish I had known he felt this this all along. It really came out of nowhere I thought we were both as in love and mutually attracted. I still wish it wasn't true. Actually, I think I wish I didn't know and just went on blissfully unaware and happy. All I want to do is lie in bed and cry but he won't let me. He wants everything to be OK to be like we always were. But I can't show him the broken pieces or find the words to explain the pain I feel. I feel like the thing to do is to walk away. But to leave will crush us both. It is so confusing especially because he tells me not to give up on him-- fight for him and give him a chance. He says that he wants us to marry and have children. All I know is that I feel like someone sucked the sunshine out of my world and things don't matter right now. I pray to God to comfort me through this.

Whatever fault is mine or failing is mine I know I need to take responsibility for it. It is up to me to better my life but I can't help but raise my eyes up and ask why is this happening to me? Maybe someone else out there has been through this. Maybe not. Hopefully there will be a happy resolution. This is happening right as I am getting over the end of the flu. I have had a migraine all day from crying all night. The house is still a mess from me not being to do much while sick. I am eating a very late dinner-- threw a salad together because I have been avoiding him all day. I have a job starting in a couple days. I am so confused whether to take the job and try to save money for my own apartment, move with friends in WY instead of going back to family in Montana, or just try to work through this. I moved to California for him 3 years ago and I don't know how much more time and emotion I should invest. I am so confused and so hurt and yet he is acting like everything is fine and has continued to try to hug and kiss me all day. In fact he seems to be trying to be extra sweet which is just making me feel more awful.

[Fr_Chuck]

I would say that he is just stupid and is expecting some TV movie emotion.

He says he is attracted to you and loves you. Guess what that is all there is, there is no super magic lust at least after a couple of years, that often wears off. He is where most couples find themselves in a few years.

You and he need the other option not discussed, counseling to understand where and what each other are saying

[greentree30]

Aww I just want to give you a big hug! :-( I think I get exactly what your boyfriend is saying but he sure did put his foot in his mouth! I'm going to tell you my experience with dating and "chemistry". Okay I've had several relationships before I met my husband (I've been married 3 years now). So I've had about 5 boyfriends before my husband (3 were long term relationships). And I've kissed a lot of people! Lol Guess what, I only felt "chemistry" with 2 of the 5 boyfriends. With one there was NO WAY we would have worked out. The chemistry was insane, but literally that is all we had. The other one I fell in love with and had chemistry with, but it was bad timing (too young) and I don't think he ever loved me as much as I loved him. As much as I was crazy about him, I wasn't right for him (as much as I wanted to be). So neither of those relationships with chemistry could have worked. There's been a few people I've just kissed and maybe casually dated that I had chemistry with, but it just wasn't a good "match" to turn into anything. This isn't to say you can't get really lucky and be in love AND have crazy chemistry, but it just doesn't always happen that way. Being in love and having a strong connection and him being your best friend is really all you can ask for! And a lot of people say the chemistry/ fireworks are only there for a few years anyway, like it tends to wear off. Then what is left is love. I can't speak from experience from that, but that's what a lot of people say typically happens. Guess what, I never had that crazy chemistry with my husband. But I've always thought he's very attractive and I fell hard in love with him and he's my best friend!

I know it feels like a stab to the heart, but not having all those fireworks is pretty normal. He said he's attracted to you right? Then I would not be worried. I don't think he's trying to end the relationship, I think he just wanted to be honest but really he was stupid and put his foot in his mouth! Like he said he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. :-] I know it hurts now but I think once the dust settles and he keeps showing you his love and affection, things can get back to normal. Keep talking to him about how you feel, and ask him a lot of questions so you can understand what he really means.

It will be okay! (HUG)

P.S. My close friend is married to someone she has a lot of chemistry with and is in love with. But guess what they fight A LOT! They bicker all the time! Lol I'm not saying they aren't right for each other (they are a great match!), but they both are so passionate with their opinions (and stubborn) that they bump heads all the time. Also, I don't know if she still feels chemistry like she did in the beginning, they've been married several years now. But anyway, just saying love and chemistry still doesn't make the relationship "perfect". They bicker so much it can get uncomfortable (for other people) sometimes! Lol

[montanagirl28]

Thank you both. Greentree <3 thanks for the very heartfelt response. Yeah I guess he did just kind of put his foot in his mouth. That happened tonight when we were discussing a show and he started naming off a few of the women he dated/ had chemistry or an attraction with in the past. I had decided this morning that I would put his blunt revelation past me even though I was still feeling a bit sad I just wanted us to move forward and be happy. I think it was just total coincidence, but since it was just yesterday that I was so upset-- when he talked about his chemistry for past girls it just crushed me all over again. I got a really sick feeling in my stomach and asked him to stop talking about that. He got annoyed with me and I walked away so we wouldn't fight but once in the room, I burst into tears I couldn't help it. I realized this may take a little time for me to get through at least more than a day geez. He's not very happy he says I am being ridiculous. Ugh. It's not like I can help feeling this way. But your responses have been a help-- I will have to do some more quiet thinking about this. I think you are right-- I have heard that when chemistry is gone what you have left is love. I just can't imagine that I could love someone so much and not have it work out. It's definitely unfathomable to me.

[greentree30]

What the hell! Why is he bringing this up to you? Does he just feels like digging a deeper knife in you or what? Have you explained to him how much this hurts you? Does he care? It's common sense to not list intimate/ personal or pretty much anything about past ex's! What current partner would want to hear about that. Unless they are trying to purposely hurt them. Tell him to list this to himself till his hearts content by himself but not around you!

I'd be like "sooo, do you want to hear all the different sexual things I've done with each ex!?"... (or where we've kissed.. just anything personal). Or if he's your first boyfriend, I'd say do you want to hear about all the different crushes I've had over the years?
I wouldn't start listing any of it, but that should get the point across. (You would think! )

[smearcase]

" He told me that from the day we met, he had not been physically attracted to me. He said I am in love with you I am attracted to your looks and who you are. "

"never been physically attracted" vs "attracted to your looks"
Does that mean that he likes you face but not your body- or what? You mention dieting. Is that the issue?

[JudyKayTee]

This sounds like a soap opera. I agree - what is the issue?

[talaniman]

Why not be honest with him and yourself, by just telling him that you can be very sensitive and emotional some times because of your past but are still working on your issues. For your part enjoy what you have and don't build a wall of fear, and self pity, or make impulsive decisions based on bad feelings they cause. Let them pass and make sure the nincompoop keeps his past to himself.