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    lmnotok's Avatar
    lmnotok Posts: 217, Reputation: 37
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    #1

    Jan 21, 2013, 12:12 AM
    What is going on with this man?
    Hi,

    Im so confused and don't know what to do now. My situation is:

    I've been with my boyfriend for more than a year (we're both 27). But 4 months ago, he decided to study abroad. We planned on getting married when he's back (he'll be back in Dec). So over the long-distance relationship, we argued several times out of jealousy (both him and I). And it got the point where he couldn't stand it and he broke up with me a month ago. I was very upset. He said "i dont wanna be in such a relationship lijke this anymore, but we can still be friends." I said OK, and went no contact. But one of our mutual friend always told me that he always asked that guy if I'm OK.

    3 weeks later, he texted me saying that he still loves and misses me and we should be back together, I said "well, there are plenty of girls there, why dont you just date someone? you told me before that life there is very fun and you have no time thinking about me." He said "no, i dont like anyone else, i dont date anyone else, i just hang out with friends and realize that i still love you". Then 4 days later, he said "im confused, i dont know what i want, and i dont know if i really love you or not, so lets be friends. Being apart changes everything. Life here with my roomies are very fun, and i love being single." I was very upset when I heard him say so. But I said "i dont want an immature man, i can't suffer any more changes, i need a mature love and committment." He said "i'm sure about my love for you".

    LATER ON THAT SAME DAY, he phoned me and said he's been thinking the whole night and he loves me, we need to get back together". We still chat, talk, almost everyday but he's super busy with his thesis and assingments (he's studying MA). I still sense something wrong. Im too tired of the long distance relationship. So a week later, i was like "it seems like we're drifting apart, you're not so close to me at all emotionally". He said "I told you before that I don't even know what I want at the moment. I still think that I love you but our whole situation changes, and I have so many different thoughts now".

    I said "enough! You don't act like a man at all, and I can't put up with it anymore."
    he said "give me time, just let me finish these assignments and I'll change. I'm trying so hard to keep us together. I know its not fair for you, I don't want to make you sad. Just be patient, I'll change. I'll make it up to you."
    I was like "lets just stop contacting one another until you're done your work and figure things out in your mind."

    ----

    My question is: what the hell is going on with this man? Now I just cut off all contact with him. But I don't understand what is going on. Why doesn't he just simply disappear and date someone else and forget about me? Its so easy being abroad like this.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #2

    Jan 21, 2013, 12:25 AM
    It is easy if you don't love the other person, dating others is never easy if you still love the one person.

    Really sounds like he is confused and you are the one wanting to break it off.
    lmnotok's Avatar
    lmnotok Posts: 217, Reputation: 37
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    #3

    Jan 21, 2013, 12:29 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck View Post
    It is easy if you don't love the other person, dating others is never easy if you still love the one person.

    Really sounds like he is confused and you are the one wanting to break it off.
    But do you think that I should put up with his "on offf on off" stuff?? One day he said he loved me, several days later, he said "no, im not sure"! What else should I do aside from staying away from him?
    1BestFriend's Avatar
    1BestFriend Posts: 22, Reputation: 4
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    #4

    Jan 21, 2013, 07:36 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by lmnotok View Post
    But do you think that i should put up with his "on offf on off" stuff??? One day he said he loved me, several days later, he said "no, im not sure"! What else should i do aside from staying away from him?
    Should you? That's up to you.

    You do understand that he told you that he likes being single? And that he's likely behaving like a single young man while he's abroad? And he wants his cake and eat it, too.

    He keeps breaking up with you because he is doing what singles guys do, and then asks you to come back to him when he realizes that he wants you, too. He's told you straight up that he doesn't know what he wants (i.e. doesn't know if he loves you and still wants to be with you).

    In my opinion, a guy that says to me that he's not sure that he still loves me better not let the door hit him in the backside on his way out the door.

    There really isn't anything you can do except either decide to go with his whims (on again, off again) or not to have a relationship with him until he gets home.

    It is your choice to get back together with him when he asks. You don't have to say yes, you know. It's your decision, too - not just his.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #5

    Jan 21, 2013, 07:45 PM
    You are both very immature. He breaks up with you, changes his mind every few minutes, and so do you. Neither one of you are committing to this, not just him.

    So a week later, I was like "it seems like we're drifting apart, you're not so close to me at all emotionally"
    [QUOTE]I said "enough! You dont act like a man at all, and i can't put up with it anymore."[/QUOTE

    Stop playing games. Either you want him in your life, or you don't. Either you commit to him, and giving him a chance to finish his work and commit to you, or you commit to no contact and moving on. You're just as confusing as this guy!
    lmnotok's Avatar
    lmnotok Posts: 217, Reputation: 37
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    #6

    Jan 21, 2013, 08:49 PM
    Post by Alty;
    You are both very immature. He breaks up with you, changes his mind every few minutes, and so do you. Neither one of you are committing to this, not just him.
    I did not change my mind like him. I was opening my door for him all the time. But the last time he switched on and off, I was just too tired of it.

    But you're right, I guess we're both immature and need space to figure ourselves out.

    Thank you all for your replies!
    ArmstrongMiller's Avatar
    ArmstrongMiller Posts: 164, Reputation: -1
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    #7

    Jan 21, 2013, 11:20 PM
    Move forward. Do what you love, the rest!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #8

    Jan 21, 2013, 11:46 PM
    LDR's are very hard to maintain. Harder if you both have issues and low communication skills with too much misplaced emotion. Immature, maybe, but you both are carried away. Write letters because neither of you can handle each other over the phone. At least you can think before you write since you can't think before you speak. That goes for you both.
    amberlou's Avatar
    amberlou Posts: 15, Reputation: 3
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    #9

    Jan 22, 2013, 05:42 PM
    It sounds to me a little like both of you are comfused. In my opinion the best thing you can do is go without contact until he returns. He seems to very much be living the life of a single man bt wants the security you offer too. Don't contact each other or keep it on a strictly friend basis, as soon as he tries to say he does or doesn't want you don't reply and as talaniman said don't speak over the phone or you will just argue more. This will give you both time to figure out what you want.
    lmnotok's Avatar
    lmnotok Posts: 217, Reputation: 37
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    #10

    Jan 23, 2013, 11:39 PM
    Update: So he just did it to me AGAIN. Last night, he texted me saying that "I thought through, i want a break up." I didn't reply. I went to sleep. So suddenly I heard a phone call, picking up the phone, he was like "dont be sad". I said "no, im not, im completely ok, and i was sleeping." Then he blew me a kiss, saying "we're together! we can't break up".

    It was so ridiculous how an hour before he made up his mind, now he changed it again. I was like "NO, enough, i dont accept anyone to play games with my heart."

    Then he was explaining the situation: I have been very confused, and part of it, is because right now, I don't want to get married. I want to earn the PhD. The distance drives us apart. My feeling for you is not the same, is so different now, don't know if its love. But I still miss you, I do miss you a lot. And I love talking to you."

    I said "hey, why don't you find someone there to talk to? YOu are such a drama king. The reason why I'm completely OK now is because I made up my mind the last time you talked to me which was few days ago. I already decided to let go and we're over! So don't call me!"

    He was like "no, I want to talk to you and I will phone you sometimes. People here are not my type. I can't tell them my guts. IT is you that I want to talk to."

    I ended up saying "I will hang up now. Im so OK, I wish you all the best!"
    ----------------------

    I'll be firm! I'll not get into this drama anymore. NOw I feel so much better. Thank you all soooooooooooo much!
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #11

    Jan 24, 2013, 12:00 AM
    Good for you! Now stick to it, because you will feel like waivering in the coming days, trust me. Just keep reminding yourself that he's playing games. Go to no contact, delete him from your Facebook, your email, everything, and move on with your life.

    You did the right thing. :)

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