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erbarnha · Mar 15, 2007, 07:50 PM

Summary - I've been seeing my boyfriend for about a year. We live together, we are usually happy with each other. To be honest I think I am the one who usually gets upset when things are not right. To be honest we have never really fought, we have our occasional tiff but fortunately he is open to my opinions and I listen to his and we have always worked things out. I am currently pregnant with his child and we have every intention of getting married in the next few years.

Problem - When we first me and I wasn’t quite so attached, he and a friend wanted to go to a strip club. Then I said yes, because I didn’t really care. Our relationship was still fresh and if anything went wrong it wouldn’t be that hard to pick myself up and move on. Well they ended up not going. He didn’t want to go because he said he wouldn’t want to do that to me.
Last week this same friend - who is now a roommate- decided he wanted to do the strip club venture again. This time I am not so sure I want my boyfriend to go. I am having nightmares of him lusting after women more than he lust for me, me catching him being close with other women (not quite cheating but kissing and caressing) and him knowing I saw him, we both just ignored the knowledge I had, and I held my rage inside. I have explicitly said – that I don’t like the idea of him going to the strip club, and that it makes me feel that my body is not good enough for him and that he desires to see others more, but if going to a strip club is the only way he can think of to have fun then I guess I can't help him.
That didn’t seem to faze him. I can’t remember his exact response but he tried to convince me he wasn’t going for the bodies, he was going for the music. Well if that is the case why not go to a bar. Although I trust him to be faithful to me, I do feel as though this is somehow violating the sanctity of our relationship. I can’t see myself having a positive reaction. I feel like if he does go through with this then he should no longer be allowed to see my body, that I shouldn’t allow myself to be attached to him in the way that I am prior to him going to the strip club.
I know for me I would never want to go to a strip club (male dancers) unless I was single and even then pretty desperate. But this is not fazing him. I wouldn’t want him to feel as I do, and therefore I would never go to a strip club.
I don’t know what to do, this seems so trivial, but yet I do see it as a serious hinder to our relationship. If you have any advice on how I should handle this, please do tell.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 15, 2007, 08:41 PM

Men are of course much more visual effected then women are ( in general)
Next they don't kiss or caress, and with that they watch women who often are not quite as good looking in full light, as they are in a darker smokey strip club.

Most of course are not hookers and even after hours do not go out or sleep with the customers. They merely tease and trick the men out of money at the club. ( that is not to say a few clubs and a few dancers don't do different but most don't)
next you may even be surprised to learn many of the dancers are wives, or college students that are there just for the money.

Now I am not recommending anyone needs to go, but with that said, I wuold assume with that you don't watch cable TV or any of the shows with X rated themes, and the such, which

erbarnha · Mar 16, 2007, 04:15 AM

I’m not really concerned with the women's socio-economic status. A woman is a woman. And the fact is strippers are women who intend to turn men on and get paid to do so.

I don’t consider all forms of nudity to be as extreme as going to a strip club. The bars where I live are border line strip clubs (ie - waitresses wear next to nothing, and some woman is always brought up to a stage to bare her breast.). To me nudity such as what you may see on TV or bar is incidental, it is never planned and when my boyfriend goes I know he is not going with the expectation of seeing a women expose herself with the intention of turning him on. And TV is hardly personal or intimate in the ways that strip clubs are meant to be. A woman on TV can not interact with my boyfriend like a striper can.

My dilemma lies in how I should react to this. I obviously find it somewhat insulting and degenerating that he wants to go somewhere and see other naked bodies. Keep in mind I am pregnant, my emotions are in fact haywire right now, and my body is getting larger. Now, to me it seems a bit harsh to send the message he wants to go to a strip club, and imply he would like to look at something better. He didn’t say that but that is what I get from this. IF this were several months ago before we became serious, I would have no problem with him going to the strip club. If he had we probably wouldn't be where we are right now. I find men who go to strip clubs to be unattractive mainly because of the way they typically view women. But the fact that we are in love with each other and as committed as what we are, it raises issues that he has the desire to be around other women who are nude. Like I said before, why would I want to show him my body after he has gone to look at all these other women? I can't say I wouldn’t love him if he does go, but I can say I will not hold him to the same regard or trust him as much as I do with out him going to the strip club.

Scleros · Mar 16, 2007, 05:00 AM

Originally Posted by erbarnha

I have explicitly said – that I don’t like the idea of him going to the strip club...

You've explained that his visiting the club hurts you. He's ignoring your distress. Whatever it is he is feeling for you, it isn't love.

JoeCanada76 · Mar 16, 2007, 05:17 AM

I disagree, Men go out to hang out with each other and to have fun. Does not mean he is out to screw around. This lady said that she said it was okay for him to go before and that she trusts him and now she is showing him that she does not trust him. Why the change?

It is not like he goes all the time. It is what the 2nd time, maybe 3rd. She keeps changing her mind on whether it is okay or not. It is not really his problem, but her own problem.

If she is going to let that ruin their relationship then maybe she should have not agreed to it in the first place.

What am I saying here. OVERREACTION ON THIS LADIES PART.

Joe

NowWhat · Mar 16, 2007, 06:36 AM

You can't help the way that you feel. Being pregnant and having RAGING hormones probably is not helping. Your body is changing and you may not feel sexy or attractive like you did when you weren't pregnant. And having your boyfriend going to a place where there are women dripping with sex is intimidating. I can see where you would have a problem with it.
I was told by a man once that men can draw a line between love and sex, unlike women. For us, the two go together. But, I do think that is true.
I have never cared if my husband goes to a strip joint. As long as it was not a regular thing and he always came home to me. We have even been together.
In this case, I don't think it is the fact of the strip club, I think it is you have expressed to your boyfriend that you don't feel comfortable with him putting himself in a certain situation and he is ignoring your feelings. I think anyone would get upset with that. But, if he has never given you a reason to doubt his trustworthiness, then maybe you should just relax - you have let him know how you feel and now you should trust him to make the right decision.

Synnen · Mar 16, 2007, 07:01 AM

I don't think it's overreaction at all.

I think she's pregnant, and is having a hard time with her body image as it is--because face it, when you're pregnant, no matter how attractive your partner finds you, you feel like a beached whale. Then he decides to go see some mermaids, and the beached whale is screaming "YOU DID THIS TO ME! At least have the respect to not go frolicking with the mermaids until I can be a mermaid again too!"

Honey... I would sit him down and tell him that you feel it's a lack of respect for him to go to a strip club. If he really feels that it would be fun, then he's risking losing you. Let him know that you KNOW that it's unreasonable in some ways, but that it really hurts, and it feels like he doesn't find YOU attractive now that you're pregnant, that he's going to look at these skinny, sexy flirty women.

Going out with the guys is fine... I don't think you're having a problem with that. It's going to a strip club.

You need to let him know that he risks losing you if he goes, and that it's hurting you a LOT, and while some of that may be due to pregnancy, most of it is just about respect.

talaniman · Mar 16, 2007, 07:55 AM

Maybe what you need is a little balance to this picture. Having been through this more than once, I can tell you that as many changes you are going through, so is he. Being pregnant is not just a woman thing, as we men are right there, feeling everything you feel, maybe not first hand, but because you tell us how your feeling. When your hormones rage, we feel the brunt of it, when you have mood swings ,we catch the brunt of it, when you are insecure we catch hell for it. So I can only hope while you seek understanding and respect, and love, give the man the same thing, as we are as pregnant as you are. As to strip clubs, ladies, men go and forget. Women brood and remember. The images are in your head and not our hearts, I mean give a guy credit will you. You think some fine body will take me from the woman I'm making a family with?? Please I'm not a moron and stop taking everything a man does so personally just because WE are pregnant. If it makes you feel better, I'll go the booty bar and tell you I went bowling. Feel better now.

NowWhat · Mar 16, 2007, 08:05 AM

O.K. I am reading this post from Talaniman and I am trying hard not to scream at the computer.
Yes, you both are having a child - BUT, you are not both pregnant. No matter how much your mate tells you about HER pregnancy, there is NO WAY to fully understand what she is going through. To suggest that you do, well that is crazy. You may catch the brunt of things, but you have no clue of what is going on.

I do, however, agree about the go and forget comment. But, shouldn't you consider her feelings on this? Knowing how she is feeling right now, shouldn't that matter in your decision of whether to go bowling or go to a "booty bar"? I mean, since you are so in tune with what is going on with "YOUR" pregnancy?

Synnen · Mar 16, 2007, 08:05 AM

LOL... Talaniman, you hit it spot on.

erbarnha, you need to work this out somehow with your man. There has to be a compromise in there somewhere! Keep talking to each other about it, and while you may not be happy with the result (he may still go) you might be okay with it (he becomes the official photographer of his goofy friends who don't have a woman as great as you to go home to)

Redbone · Mar 22, 2007, 02:55 AM

I have to agree with Fr Chuck. First thing it's not that he is lusting for another's body.
I'm pretty sure that He loves her as much as he ever did. Sometimes a man will want to relive the past in as much as a strip joint or what ever it was he did to enjoy his youth.
I mean some of them woman are really skanky. I don't feel that she has anything to worry about. She is pregnant and unsecure with her body so that leaves her with questions of what she feels might be the end of her relationship with this guy.
I really think that she is making a mountain out of a mole hill. I can also see that she is very jelious. Let me say this that will kill the relationship quick.

talaniman · Mar 22, 2007, 04:10 AM

Originally Posted by NowWhat

O.K. I am reading this post from Talaniman and I am trying hard not to scream at the computer.
Yes, you both are having a child - BUT, you are not both pregnant. No matter how much your mate tells you about HER pregnancy, there is NO WAY to fully understand what she is going through. To suggest that you do, well that is crazy. You may catch the brunt of things, but you have no clue of what is going on.

I do, however, agree about the go and forget comment. But, shouldn't you consider her feelings on this? Knowing how she is feeling right now, shouldn't that matter in your decision of whether to go bowling or go to a "booty bar"? I mean, since you are so in tune with what is going on with "YOUR" pregnancy?

My point was I do have a clue what's going on. Maybe I can't physically pop, but I was there, not a strip club. My role is to support not have a kid my gosh. You can always get your own pickles at 3 am you know. So my answer to you objecting to me doing anything during our pregnancy is yes dear, can I get you another pickle?

talaniman · Mar 22, 2007, 04:19 AM

I really think that she is making a mountain out of a mole hill. I can also see that she is very jelious. Let me say this that will kill the relationship quick.

I agree that being pregnant makes a female nutsy bozo to us men, but pouting and making a fuss is not the way to go. We can hoop and holler anytime but for now all most females want is for us to be there while they are catching hell with our babies. They generally calm down after the load has been dropped and they can move around again.

NowWhat · Mar 22, 2007, 05:25 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

My point was I do have a clue whats going on. Maybe I can't physically pop, but I was there, not a a strip club. My role is to support not have a kid my gosh. You can always get your own pickles at 3 am ya know. So my answer to you objecting to me doing anything during our pregnancy is yes dear, can I get you another pickle?

O.K. I know that the husband/father is supposed to be the support system. And I think that is great and that is the way it should be. But in the post I responded to, you weren't coming across as the "support system". You came across as to you knew exactly what was going on in your wife's body and since you were so intune - she should just get over it - because you were going through the same thing.
Now, if that is not what you intended - great. And yes we can get our own pickles at 3am. - it's just so much nicer when you do it.:)

talaniman · Mar 22, 2007, 05:49 AM

she should just get over it - because you were going through the same thing.

Not get over it, just understand as we men must do. Here's your pickle, can I go to the booty bar now?

NowWhat · Mar 22, 2007, 06:02 AM

Well, that sounds like an even trade off.:D

Synnen · Mar 22, 2007, 06:17 AM

Only if that pickle has ice cream with it.

AlanKinNA · Mar 22, 2007, 06:29 AM

Originally Posted by erbarnha

Summary - I've been seeing my boyfriend for about a year. We live together, we are usually happy with each other. To be honest I think I am the one who usually gets upset when things are not right. To be honest we have never really fought, we have our occasional tiff but fortunately he is open to my opinions and I listen to his and we have always worked things out. I am currently pregnant with his child and we have every intention of getting married in the next few years.

Problem - When we first me and I wasn’t quite so attached, he and a friend wanted to go to a strip club. Then I said yes, because I didn’t really care. Our relationship was still fresh and if anything went wrong it wouldn’t be that hard to pick myself up and move on. Well they ended up not going. He didn’t want to go because he said he wouldn’t want to do that to me.
Last week this same friend - who is now a roommate- decided he wanted to do the strip club venture again. This time I am not so sure I want my boyfriend to go. I am having nightmares of him lusting after women more than he lust for me, me catching him being close with other women (not quite cheating but kissing and caressing) and him knowing I saw him, we both just ignored the knowledge I had, and I held my rage inside. I have explicitly said – that I don’t like the idea of him going to the strip club, and that it makes me feel that my body is not good enough for him and that he desires to see others more, but if going to a strip club is the only way he can think of to have fun then I guess I can't help him.
That didn’t seem to faze him. I can’t remember his exact response but he tried to convince me he wasn’t going for the bodies, he was going for the music. Well if that is the case why not go to a bar. Although I trust him to be faithful to me, I do feel as though this is somehow violating the sanctity of our relationship. I can’t see myself having a positive reaction. I feel like if he does go through with this then he should no longer be allowed to see my body, that I shouldn’t allow myself to be attached to him in the way that I am prior to him going to the strip club.
I know for me I would never want to go to a strip club (male dancers) unless I was single and even then pretty desperate. But this is not fazing him. I wouldn’t want him to feel as I do, and therefore I would never go to a strip club.
I don’t know what to do, this seems so trivial, but yet I do see it as a serious hinder to our relationship. If you have any advice on how I should handle this, please do tell.

In assuming the "best" interests of both you and your man, I can only offer what might be "reasonable," that is, you accompanying your guy to the strip club to experience for yourself what happens in front of you regarding he whom you care for. I do not proclaim that such environments would lend themselves to the highest of human values, but personally you could witness what happens, rather than having second-hand stories. Hope that doesn't hurt, rather helps. Make sense?

faithl · Mar 22, 2007, 07:23 AM

>>I disagree, Men go out to hang out with each other and to have fun. Does not mean he is out to screw around

NO NO NO. I am sick and tired of men using this as a lame excuse. So men cannot hang out and have fun without looking at women taking their clothes off and writhing around pretending to have orgasms? Can men not go out for once without their genitalia being involved? Is that not just a tad pathetic? This is just an excuse to get off watching other women. Either you respect your girlfriend or you don't. Either you can keep your penis under control or you can't. If you can't, don't commit to a relationship, just go to strip joints and drool as much as you like, have one night stands, watch porn, do whatever it takes to keep Mr Penis happy. If all you care about is getting your rocks off, don't get a girlfriend. It's as simple as that.

Synnen · Mar 22, 2007, 07:39 AM

Originally Posted by faithl

>>

NO NO NO. I am sick and tired of men using this as a lame excuse. So men cannot hang out and have fun without looking at women taking their clothes off and writhing around pretending to have orgasms? Can men not go out for once without their genitalia being involved? Is that not just a tad pathetic? This just an excuse to get off watching other women. Either you respect your girlfriend or yopu don't. Either you can keep your penis under control or you can't. If you can't, don't commit to a relationship, just go to strip joints and drool as much as you like, have one night stands, watch porn, do whatever it takes to keep Mr penis happy. If you cannot do that, don't get a girlfriend. It's as simple as that.

Holy cow.

First off, I think that it's an individual problem, not a male/female problem. I'm happily married, and if my husband tonight came home and announced "I'm going to the strip club with the guys", my only answer would be "Don't spend too much money".

I think the problem might be "Either you trust your partner or you don't" rather than "either you respect your girlfriend or you don't".

Or... either you can communicate why you think strip clubs are a threat or you can't.

I'm secure enough in my relationship with my husband that some chick dancing half naked in front of him isn't really going to bother me. If I were pregnant, that might be a different story, though.

P.S. I don't have a problem with porn either.