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Beautifuletdown · Dec 28, 2012, 07:02 AM

Please help me! I get so jealous about my boyfriend checking out other girls or girls talking to him! I hate feeling like this because it just makes me feel sick! I hate it when he goes out, I hate it when he goes to gym because I just always get stupid thoughts in my head that he's being unfaithful to me. And I know these thoughts are probably what would lead him to being unfaithful to me or leaving me.

Please I hate feeling like this and doing this to our relationship! We used to be so perfect before I started being honest about my stupid feelings! How do I stop feeling jealous? And how do I start being okay with him talking to other females? I know it's normal to talk to a female without any feelings being attached!

Please I need advice! Good advice! That's actually going to help me overcome this and save my relationship!

J_9 · Dec 28, 2012, 07:11 AM

Is there any basis for this jealousy?

Beautifuletdown · Dec 28, 2012, 07:13 AM

That's the thing, I don't know. He's never been unfaithful to me but I know he has with past girls. He used to go from girl to girl every week before he met me

J_9 · Dec 28, 2012, 07:15 AM

You have to remember that what he did before you is out of your control. You cannot control the past, but you can control the future. There is nothing wrong with men talking to other women and visa versa. Humans are pack animals. We love to socialize.

By being so jealous you WILL ruin your relationship if not sooner, later. It will happen.

Beautifuletdown · Dec 28, 2012, 07:20 AM

So how can I change the way I feel? He gets so angry with me, I feel like I've driven him to hate me. But it's like, when I get the silly thoughts in my head, it's the only thing I listen to. I can't control what comes out of my mouth. I just treat him as if he's already cheated on me. I know it's ruining my relationship and I know by just going with my trust for him that it will make it better but I feel like I need to show him or say something to him that will show him that I actually want to change it because I've said that I'm going to change so many times to the point that he doesn't know what to believe anymore. Every time I tell him I'm going to stop being Jelous and trust him, I really mean it, but it's like vomit, if I feel it again, it just come out and were back at square one

J_9 · Dec 28, 2012, 07:22 AM

You need to stop telling him you are going to change. He already doesn't believe you, so stop making it worse.

Have you been cheated on in the past?

Beautifuletdown · Dec 28, 2012, 07:25 AM

Well I was with a guy for 2 and a half years and never thought he cheated on me. But I found out after we broke up he was cheating on me. But I don't know if its true or not because I didn't find out until about 6 months after we had stopped dating

Homegirl 50 · Dec 28, 2012, 08:15 AM

How long have you two been dating?
If he went from girl to girl all the time I can understand your not being sure of him, but you either trust him or you don't. If you trust him, stop verbalizing everything, If you don't trust him leave him.
I hope he understand that his past follows him. I wish you both well.

Beautifuletdown · Dec 28, 2012, 08:20 AM

We've been together 2 years now, but this started 6 months into our relationship and we've been on and off for a while

Kahani Punjab · Dec 28, 2012, 12:00 PM

Trust him and I am sure there is nothing wrong in his talking to other girls. Does he appreciate you? Does he give speical treatment to you? Or, do you think that he behaves to you in the same way as he does to other lissomes? Do you have long hair, or short haircut? Does he comment on your dress, your hair, your walk and the way you talk?

Stop being judgemental. Just relax and relish the relationship. You will grow up with time. You will come of age, with age, I am sure. This is just the beginning and you are beginning to love others.

talaniman · Dec 28, 2012, 12:59 PM

Practice saying and doing nothing when you feel upset or afraid. Its called thinking before you ACT or SPEAK. Count to 10 ten times, or remove yourself completely from the situation. These are ways you learn over time to CONTROL yourself and your impulses that cause conflict between you and your partner. Practice this no matter what or surely your partner will tire of this out of control behavior.

You really need to calm your fears by unpacking the baggage from your own past.

0rphan · Dec 28, 2012, 01:50 PM

You say you've been together 2 years now,but your jealousy started 6 months in! Was there a trigger for this at that time... I mean did he come onto someone a bit to strong.. more than a casual friendship we'll say.
Try and think back to your first 6 months together and see if someone or something did act as a trigger for your behaviour toward him,if you can find this then you may be able to reverse your thoughts with explanations of what ever you can remember.If you succeed in finding the right answers from that first period you were together,then maybe your mind will be satisfied enabling you to move forward from this situation that you find yourself in now.

However if nothing can be found,then you must find security in the fact that after 2 years you are still together... despite your behaviour.
If he is very out going as you say... and likes female company,then you have to be proud that he prefers you beside him and not another.No man would put up with this constant harassment,especially when he is innocent,he quite clearly cares deeply for you.

Sadly you will drive him away if you do not gain control.You must take comfort from the fact that he remains with you despite your accusations toward him,which shows how much he cares and hopes that you will stop this behaviour.

Tell yourself that he is with you because he wants to be,not because of some ball and chain around his ankle keeping him there.Draw security from that, so whenever you feel the need to mouth off at him, focus on that very thought... he wants to be with you,it's you he cares about.

Beautifuletdown · Dec 28, 2012, 06:24 PM

He doesn't appreciate me as much as he used to I feel. But he does tell me that I'm beautiful and that no girl could replace me but at the same time after we've argued he will sometimes say mean things like he can do better than me and he has told me before that he does look at other girls (to try and hurt me) but I've just come to that I guess I deserve him saying that if that's what I'm thinking he does anyway

Thank you so much -orphan. Thank you everyone for your advice. Um to answer orphan, at the beginning there was this one girl that was his 'best friend' and he would invite her everywhere and he told me that he used to have feelings for her and what not. She would text him all the time and he would leave a party that we were at to go outside and talk to her alone and it started to make me uncomfortable. I told him about it and he denied telling me he ever had feelings for her. I used to offer him a lift to work all the time but he turned my offer down and said he was going to walk but then I found out he had actually been getting a lift from her every morning, which I remember upset me a lot. She just made me feel uncomfortable because she wasn't the type of friend that would want to get to know me, she just always wanted attention from him

talaniman · Dec 28, 2012, 08:11 PM

That's does explain a lot and it's a big red flag that this relationships has affected you in some very unhealthy ways and I think you should really take stock of everything that has gone on and figure out if this is worth it, or NOT.

I think you benefit from taking time to get to a healthy place away from him, and make a good decision for yourself. This seems to be getting worse, and you can do better.

Beautifuletdown · Dec 28, 2012, 08:39 PM

He denies any feelings for her and says he doesn't speak to her anymore. He makes me feel bad every now and then for him not being friends with her because that's not what I wanted. I asked him if he could introduce us properly and maybe I'll feel more comfortable but that never happened. So now when ever something is bought up about a male friend of mine he says that it's unfair and he has told me I can't talk to 2 of my male friends because I stopped him talking to her. I know it shouldn't be this way, but I never meant for him to stop talking to her I just wanted to feel comfortable with their relationship and wanted him to be honest with me

talaniman · Dec 28, 2012, 08:47 PM

Oh please get out of this situation that's totally manipulative, and very dysfunctional. Its already going down hill fast.

Beautifuletdown · Dec 28, 2012, 08:49 PM

I want to get out of it. I've already told him to be friends with her and I don't mind. I don't know what else to do.

Homegirl 50 · Dec 28, 2012, 08:57 PM

You need to get out of this relationship. It is just wrong. He is twisting you like a pretzel. No wonder you feel the way you do.

Beautifuletdown · Dec 28, 2012, 09:23 PM

Well no matter how much I see what's happening, why do I want to be with him so badly? I know I love him but I know I deserve to be treated better. The thing that is getting to me, is he Blames the way he is with everything I've done (being my jealousy and unfairness) so every time we get into a fight it always turns around on me. I can't help but feel that if I wasn't like this in the first place he wouldn't be like this. I still, after everything, want to be with him. I know I do, but at the same time I know any normal girl wouldn't put up with the things I put up with, so I wonder why I do? Is it because he blames everything on me?

Homegirl 50 · Dec 28, 2012, 09:27 PM

He has made you feel all of this is your fault. You need to leave him. You deserve better.