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mogrann · Dec 25, 2012, 09:31 PM

I am sure most of you know how to tell the difference between the two but I don't. How can you tell the difference? I am still learning my interpersonal skills so can't go by how it makes me feel. Due to my BPD I am overly sensitive and don't read cues the same way. I am looking at ways to figure this out. Checking the facts does not work as I have still so many judgements that I am unsure if they are factual or not.
How do you know if someone is just joking with you or if they are being rude/hurtful/bullying? There must be a way for others to figure this stuff out.

teacherjenn4 · Dec 25, 2012, 10:17 PM

It's a fine line. I think any unwanted or persistent teasing is a form of bullying. If you bring it to someone's attention that you do not like it, and they persist in doing it, then again, they are being rude and hurtful. As a teacher, I do not tolerate any of this.

mogrann · Dec 26, 2012, 09:17 AM

Maybe I am explaining it wrong. Sorry teacherjenn, I am meaning about the teasing between friends and co workers. Most times I am unsure if they are being insulting or teasing... I just don't get how to tell the difference. You know how you see good friends go back and forth with jokes and people laugh and chuckle over it. I just get all worried and scared that someone is angry or I have done something wrong. I just want to know how others know the difference? I really want to get this interpersonal stuff down so I can intereact with others normally. I mean that is why I am doing all of this work so I can be normal and not be worried all the time that I say or do the wrong thing.

teacherjenn4 · Dec 26, 2012, 10:03 AM

Originally Posted by mogrann

Maybe I am explaining it wrong. Sorry teacherjenn, I am meaning about the teasing between friends and co workers. Most times I am unsure if they are being insulting or teasing... I just don't get how to tell the difference. You know how you see good friends go back and forth with jokes and people laugh and chuckle over it. I just get all worried and scared that someone is angry or I have done something wrong. I just want to know how others know the difference? I really want to get this interpersonal stuff down so I can intereact with others normally. I mean that is why I am doing all of this work so I can be normal and not be worried all the time that I say or do the wrong thing.

You're doing the right thing by getting advice! People will have an uneasy laugh if they don't think the joke was so funny. You might even notice people's faces turning red or actually turning away. That would tell me that the joking was unwanted.

mogrann · Jan 5, 2013, 12:04 PM

How do you know when the "joke" is directed at you? I can not go by my feelings as I am still very sensitive and mis read things all the time.
This is not blaming anyone! I need to make that clear. It is just to show my struggles with what I think. Please do not get upset at what I say.
I was considering leaving AMHD because I felt like I did something wrong that I had hurt peoples feelings from something I had posted. Right now typing this out my thoughts are saying you just want people to make you feel better, how conceited you are, stop looking for compliments, etc.
These back and forth thoughts I have constantly. I need to know how you tell if something is a joke, joking, teasing or being mean when it is directed to you. Right now because I am always unsure I laugh about what is said and then deal with the hurt feelings and such internally.

joypulv · Jan 5, 2013, 12:41 PM

To my mind, the most important factor is how close you are to the person doing the teasing. A good friend can tease me unmercifully, while someone else joking about the same thing will just result in me being hurt.
So the question isn't how to tell when it's teasing vs hurtful, the question is how much trust do you put in close friendships?
Most of us have been hurt from teasing by those closest to us, of course, but we bounce back faster, after letting out our feelings and apologizing all around and making up.

Co-workers are another whole arena, and not an easy one to juggle. There's a certain 'friendship' and closeness, but a lot of times it's only at work, and teasing can get out of hand, and cover up all the various jealousies and competitions that can happen at work.

Here? I have friends here, and have been hurt by one or two, but recovered. I value them a lot, especially for the selfish reason that I'm sort of reclusive and it's winter and I don't get out much!

mogrann · Jan 5, 2013, 12:58 PM

That is the hard part for me I don't trust what I think or feel. My mind is always contradicting itself. This sounds like it is a hard thing to learn. I will get this figured out one day.
Starting to think I need to get help with my thoughts and that may make it easier. I just don't know. CBT was mentioned as a suggestion I may have to get a referral and see.

Wondergirl · Jan 5, 2013, 01:09 PM

If anyone is at fault, mogrann, I'm guessing it's not you. Can you grow a thicker skin so comments roll off your back and you don't internalize them? There must be a way.

mogrann · Jan 5, 2013, 01:16 PM

Wondergirl won't that be just avoiding and not growing? Will I lose some of my caring about others if I grow a thicker skin? I think (and may be wrong) that I need to learn the difference and to be able to check the facts about my thoughts. Right now it is almost impossible as I "argue" with my thoughts back and forth. I also have issues sharing my thoughts as there are more judgements if I do... I am looking for attention, being prideful, wanting people to feel sorry for me and more.
Sometimes I wonder if it was a bit easier before I realized all of this. There are benefits to my learning and changing (no self harm, no SU thoughts or attempts and off medication). I was not aware however before DBT so this stuff never occurred to me as something I wanted to learn and change.
When do I get to be normal and not have things to change and just get to enjoy life? When does the hard work stop?

Wondergirl · Jan 5, 2013, 01:37 PM

Originally Posted by mogrann

Wondergirl won't that be just avoiding and not growing? Will I lose some of my caring about others if I grow a thicker skin? I think (and may be wrong) that I need to learn the difference and to be able to check the facts about my thoughts. Right now it is almost impossible as I "argue" with my thoughts back and forth. I also have issues sharing my thoughts as there are more judgements if I do... I am looking for attention, being prideful, wanting people to feel sorry for me and more.
Sometimes I wonder if it was a bit easier before I realized all of this. There are benefits to my learning and changing (no self harm, no SU thoughts or attempts and off of medication). I was not aware however before DBT so this stuff never occurred to me as something I wanted to learn and change.
When do I get to be normal and not have things to change and just get to enjoy life? When does the hard work stop?

We all go through times when we want attention and are prideful and want people to feel sorry for us. That's part of being human. Getting a thicker skin means that you won't have to mentally examine everything that you hear and decide if it is hurtful or not. You'll also learn to consider the source -- i.e. realize it's the other(s) who have the problem, not you.

mogrann · Jan 5, 2013, 01:55 PM

To be honest we assume it is them but it very well could be me. How do I really know I am nice. Yes people have said I am but they could be saying that so my feelings are not hurt. Maybe it is me that needs to be nicer and then people would always be nice to me. ARGHHHHH it is a constant circle with me.
Darn you WG I have never voiced these thoughts before not even in DBT and I am still unsure how you did it. (I am not mad at you please don't take it that way).
Monday will be calling the mental health line for a referral to CBT or therapy. Starting to realize I need help with this.
Case in point just happened to me and I could not say no or I don't want this as it may have hurt his feelings or I may have been misreading what was going on. I have one friend telling me it was creepy and I trust her (I posted it on facebook):
Not sure if it is my social anxiety and just not comfortable around people or if I have the right to be uncomfortable with this. The tow truck driver gave me 2 hugs and a kiss on the cheek... what the heck. I don't know him. I am creeped out but it is probably me being weird. I don't know.

Wondergirl · Jan 5, 2013, 02:05 PM

Originally Posted by mogrann

To be honest we assume it is them but it very well could be me. How do I really know I am nice. Yes people have said I am but they could be saying that so my feelings are not hurt. Maybe it is me that needs to be nicer and then people would always be nice to me. ARGHHHHH it is a constant circle with me.
Darn you WG I have never voiced these thoughts before not even in DBT and I am still unsure how you did it. (I am not mad at you please don't take it that way).

You are sooooooooooooo darn cute, mogrann -- wish I could give you a hug and a peck on the cheek!

If people say you are nice (and I'm betting they know what they are talking about, considering my experience with you), please take it as a lovely compliment and stop chewing around on it like it's a piece of gristle!

Watch Owen. Learn from Owen. I've learned tons from my cats about behavior. They have definitely taught me how to live in the Now and to be at peace with myself, despite any ocean waves tossing me to and fro.