[1BestFriend]

My boyfriend and I are in our mid-40s. We've been acquaintances for about 12 years and started dating about three months ago. Because we already knew each other and liked each other as friendly acquaintances - and I guess because we are older and pretty happy to find what we both feel is our life partner - our relationship has moved along at a good clip. We just seemed to blend with each other really well right off the bat. He has mentioned marriage several times.

He is kind, smart, patient, handsome, laidback, supportive, and takes care of me in wonderful ways (cooks for me often, fills the bathtub and lights candles when I'm stressed, etc.). I'm having some issues with the sex, though.

I am very much attracted to him. For me, the chemistry is off-the-hook, and, quite honestly, I want him all the time. There are times where he wears me out - in a very good way - and I feel totally ravaged. Other times, it's more gentle. Either way... ANY way... I love being with him.

I am not, however, having orgasms. Some of it may have to do with me being out of the dating world for four years due to a really painful relationship. It was the third in a row with a man that lied to me and cheated on me, and it temporarily destroyed any ability or desire that I had to trust a man with my heart.

But most of the problem is technique and approach. I talked to him about foreplay and he's not really into doing it the way that I like. You know, kissing, touching and generally working up to intercourse. For such a kind, attentive man, it is surprising that he does not seem to have any interest in touching or caressing my body or even kissing during sex. He never touches my breasts and I can practically have an orgasm from this alone. The 'worst' part is that he has absolutely no interest in oral sex. This is a big deal for me since that's often the easiest way to get me off and it's also the best foreplay. He is just totally put-off by the taste and smell of female genitalia, I guess.

To be clear, I do not smell or taste bad or odd, and past lovers have been quite clear about this so I know it's not me, specifically.

I'm not that much in into toys. I want to have an orgasm with my man's body and touch. However, we bought some minor toys like a small bullet-style vibrating stimulator. Definitely got me going but no orgasm. The c*ck ring with the vibrating piece? No luck at all (although I think he likes it, which is cool).

I have never had this problem before. The closest I've been to this situation is a guy that I dated for five years who is the only other man that I've ever met who did not want to go down on me. He was also a bit of a prude and we could hardy even talk about sex so trying to get him to do anything was useless. However, I could at least get on top and get myself off (which is fine sometimes but there's nothing like having an orgasm that is truly brought on by the man that you're sleeping with). With my current boyfriend, if I get on top and try to move slowly with shallow penetration to stimulate the upper wall of my 'self', it doesn't seem to be enough stimulation to keep him erect and we have to move faster and harder, which feels good but won't get me off.

That's part of the thing. The bangin' sex is banging. It feels awesome and is fun - but that does not get me off. He says that he has never had a problem getting a woman off in the past. I'm guessing that woman have faked it with him. Not because he's exactly bad in bed but more because most women need foreplay and/or clitoral or shallow stimulation to have an orgasm. Since he doesn't do these things, I highly doubt that every woman he has slept with over the years has actually had an orgasm.

So what does this do for us? I am, er, horny all the time. I try to keep my hands out of my own pants to keep me 'ready' to have an orgasm with him. He, on the other hand, is feeling terrible about not me not having an orgasm (only one time so far with him), and rarely initiates sex and is constantly rejecting my advances because every time we have sex, he says he feels like less of a man.

So, here I am with a man that I am highly attracted to, falling in love with, thinking about marrying - and the bang in the bedroom is just not there. He's not perfect - and neither am I - but most things are a damn good match for us.

Sex is not the relationship but it is part of a good, solid relationship. Not to mention, I really, really enjoy sex. I'm happy if I can get it once or twice a day. He's fine with 2 or 3 times a week. While that seems pretty low to me, I might be okay with it if he would do more of what I want and get me off. I love him and orgasmic sex brings on even more attachment.

What to do, what to do...

[fredg]

I am 70 yrs old, married 30 years, and my wife died 6 yrs ago from smoking cigarettes. We had a good marriage, by many standards. We had a great sexual marriage, too!
I am so sorry to hear you do not have an orgasm. That is one of the most pleasured aspects of life, and I am sure you know. I could NOT marry anyone if that were the case with me. I am sure your boyfriend is a nice person, but sex is very important in most marriages.
You have to decide if all the rest is worth it, without having great sex! It's not great for you unless you climax. So, think about maybe meeting other men who think of you, and respect you enough to want you to have a great sexual time, too.

[greentree30]

The fact that he doesn't want to kiss or touch before sex is odd to me. I know there's some men that tend to rush through foreplay, but to have no foreplay at all sounds pretty crappy. And he's never touched your breasts? Is he not into breasts? Does he know how much you'd love it, but he still won't?

It makes me think he is scared or uncomfortable with intimacy. Do you think that could be it?

I understand some guys just don't like oral sex. But I think he should compromise and bring you to orgasm another way. Like manually stimulating you long enough to have an orgasm. And then have sex. If he's not willing to try to bring you to orgasm in other ways besides just penetration then he's being really selfish. You're right, it's highly unlikely every single woman he's been with orgasmed from sex. He probably assumed they reached orgasm if they moaned enough! And plenty women won't speak up about not having orgasms (especially they were just casually dating).

He should be happy to manually stimulate you and bring you to orgasm before sex. If he says he's not into it, ask why? I'm curious what his reasons are. If he's not willing to compromise then you should definitely move on.

[Fr_Chuck]

So when you say no sex till it is your way sometiimes , you don't or give in, so why should he change,

Many men hate oral ,but sounds he is try with mmany toys

[1BestFriend]

so when you say no sex till it is your way sometiimes , you dont or give in, so why should he change,

many men hate oral ,but sounds he is try with mmany toys

I don't really understand what you're getting at. Also, I did not say that there is no sex until it is 'my way'.

[1BestFriend]

@greentree:

D is a very personable, communicative man. He is very attentive to my needs, overall. Very much so. Food, drink, blankets if I'm cold, is the sun in my eyes, am I tired, etc.

It's interesting to consider that even though he seems very comfortable with verbal and emotional intimacy, perhaps he is not as comfortable with physical intimacy as I thought. This might offer us another aspect of this 'situation' to approach.

Now that you mention it, I wonder if this is reflected in the fact that he has a loveseat and a lounge chair in his living room. Therefore, since the day we started dating, he has probably sat next to me while watching a movie or a football game only a handful of times. I do not like this and have told him many times that it is just odd, uncomfortable, and undesirable to drive three hours to be with him at his house and this is our seating arrangement while watching a movie. And he does not initiate random affectionate gestures with me very often. He is so kind and attentive in other ways that it took me a few weeks to really notice this (plus, I often initiate such gestures).

We have never discussed foreplay in detail. However, he did make a comment to me a couple of days ago about 'foreplay', and it seemed that he considers him filling the tub with hot water, bath salts, lighting candles, making me a cocktail, and putting me in the tub to be foreplay in his mind. And it is a wonderful part of it. He did this a few nights ago (unfortunately, his tub is not big enough for us to both get in at the same time), and then when I drained the tub and turned on the shower, he joined me. Yep, he showered and we had sex in the shower for quite some time, and then moved it to the bed for quite some time. I think he listed the sex in the shower as foreplay.

He has tried to manually stimulate me to orgasm before intercourse but it's not working. It's not him - he has spent a long time at this a few times, and has gotten me to the point where I'm about to explode. Unfortunately, my parts have never been all that keen on a guys using just hands. This, I can't help although I'm not sure why. *shrug* Plus, I find that a man using just his hands feels very impersonal and not much different than me just masturbating.

You mention something interesting, though. A lot of posts that I read mention the guy getting the woman off after he has his orgasm. Personally, if I'm going to orgasm just once, I'm likely to do it in the first 5-15 minutes. After that, it's like I'm over-stimulated or something... I don't know. I'm all for hour-plus long sex even after I've had my first orgasm (even if it's the only one I have) because I really just enjoy sex. A lot. :)

I am falling in love with him, as he has said he is with me. I am deeply saddened at the idea of walking away from him.

We've talked about this issue in some ways, not all aspects - not because we're avoiding it but how hard can you hit something like this in a new relationship? I mean, it's crushing his ego... AND mine. His ego is crushed because he isn't getting me off. My ego is crushed because he is starting to avoid having sex with me because, well, it crushes his ego. He said that until we figure out a solution, he doesn't know how to not feel horrible after we have sex.

This can't be good. :(

After three increasingly-terrible relationships, I am with a man that I feel that I could spend the rest of my life with in so many ways - and we may end up parting ways because I can't orgasm with him. I just want to curl up and cry.

[talaniman]

Can we assume you have only been having sex for the 3 months you have been dating, and don't live together?

[1BestFriend]

Can we assume you have only been having sex for the 3 months you have been dating, and don't live together?

Both are correct assumptions.

Not sure where you're going with this but I'm curious so I'll add:


We currently live nearly three hours away from each other. Although, since I live in a 'winter destination' community, if he were to drive to my house on a Friday night at this time of the year, it would probably take him more like five hours. Even off-season isn't that much better. A few weeks ago, he drove up one Friday evening and it took over four hours because of freeway traffic for the first half of the drive.

He did the Friday drive a couple of times, and the Saturday morning drive once. He chose to stay Sunday night and left around 3am so he could sleep next to me for half the night. Now, though, with snow on the mountain pass between us, he can't risk unexpected snow or impassable road conditions so for him to visit me would mean a long drive Saturday morning, then him leaving on Sunday evening, not too late. (He's in a profession where he cannot arrive late and it is not okay to ask for a stand-in because he didn't plan ahead.) He does not have 4WD on his vehicle. For now, we've decided that unless we really want to play in the snow together (making hassling with chains more reasonable) or have a social activity near my house that I would drive to his house so we can spend more than a day and a half together.

For instance, we will be spending part of his time off over the next two weeks at my place so we can enjoy the snow and slower pace of life in general.

My Fri-Mon visits at his place became extended at Thanksgiving when he had the whole week (and two weekends as bookends) off work, and we ended up spending 11 days together. After that, my visits extended to Fri-Tues morning - even one time Thurs evening-Tues morning - and now here I am, at his house since Friday and I'm here until tomorrow (Wednesday) morning. Then, we already have plans for Fri-Tues and will probably spend most of his time off together.

I have total flexibility right now since my new work contract does not start until early January. (Even when I start my new contract, I work from home, or almost anywhere that I can use my laptop and conduct conference calls.) He has almost zero flexibility in regard to his work hours.

[1BestFriend]

I realize that sex is not everything, especially as we get older. Let's be real, though: I'm not “older” yet, and, barring any medical conditions, I hope to have a good sex life well into “older”. For now, I'm only 47 and my sex drive is pretty strong. However, I digress...

If we are truly seeking a partner with whom we know we can 'grow old', then there are other things to consider, too. So, sometimes when I think about this, I try to take sex out of the equation and try to picture growing old with him. I can easily see us spending our lives together and growing old together. I know he would take care of me, and I, him. I see the time between now and actually being “elderly”. We love each other's company and love to just hang out together. Our minds work very much alike so we really understand where the other is coming from most of the time without much effort. We have similar morals and ethics. We have enough different interests to keep it interesting and to keep us from becoming attached at the hip. We've already both displayed the intelligence of acknowledging that we're both terrible housekeepers and will likely need a housekeeper in our life together. (Just throwing that in for a laugh.)

He is the faithful, dedicated type. Low-key but interesting. Kind but far from a doormat. Gentle but very much a man. And a great cook, to boot.

Does it make sense to walk away from so many good things?

I read something one time to the effect of:

“If the sex is good, it's 10 percent of the relationship. If the sex is bad, it becomes 90 percent of the relationship.”

I fear this.

[talaniman]

The mark of good long term relationships is communicating and compromising. If good sex is what you want and he cannot deliver then you have to weigh the good and the bad and make a decision, or solve your own sexual problems alone.

For sure if there are no conversations about it maybe 3 months is too soon to worry about the future of your sex life. Or maybe you are more into the sex and orgasm thing than he is. See what happen and if you can deal with him being the way he is.

Few change that much, so soon. I wouldn't make plans until the problems had resolution. Or you both have unpacked your past baggage. No hurry is there?

[Fr_Chuck]

I was inferring that you should say, no sex, since you always allow sex to happen his way, why would he really want to change? He is getting what he wants, end of story for him.

But it appears he has tried to work with you, getting sex toys and trying them,

He will not do oral, if he does not like it, he does not like it, many guys hate it and may do it once in a while, esp at first but soon stop.

How do you do it when you masturbate by yourself ? Show him, tell him and have him do it like that.

But if he can't then that is just the way he is.

[Enigma1999]

I have a strange question for you, but I have to ask... If he is put off by a women's scent and taste, has he ever considered using dental dam?

That way you can still get pleasure and there is no direct contact for him...

Honestly, if it were me, it would be a deal breaker.

[greentree30]

I am with a man that I feel that I could spend the rest of my life with in so many ways - and we may end up parting ways because I can't orgasm with him. I just want to curl up and cry.

I agree with Talaniman, You're only 3 months into the relationship. It's too soon to have your mind made up about yalls sex life. Give it time and practice! I wouldn't worry about making a decision now. I wouldn't give up hope that you won't ever orgasm with him. If you can orgasm by masturbating then I'm sure you can with him. Show him what you do so he can try. It sounds like he is putting in the effort with using his hands and trying out toys. I bet he'd be able to get you off if he would just learn to have some foreplay for a while.

I would just give it time and try not to be so focused on getting an orgasm. As you get closer and he learns how you like to be touched, it can definitely start to improve.

Enigma mentioned the dental dam. That is a good idea! I've never used one of those but I think it could be really pleasurable. I don't know about you, but I go crazy during oral when I'm being "teased" and he's really gentle. I bet that's how the dental dam would feel like (I might try it now! Lol). Maybe he would be open to that?


About the foreplay.. so what if you try to kiss him and feel on him/ or try to makeout with him? Have you tried, what does he do? I'm curious because my husband can be uptight about certain things (like where or how I kiss on him). Is your guy like that?

[1BestFriend]

I was inferring that you should say, no sex, since you always allow sex to happen his way, why would he really want to change? He is getting what he wants, end of story for him.

But it appears he has tried to work with you, getting sex toys and trying them,

he will not do oral, if he does not like it, he does not like it, many guys hate it and may do it once in a while, esp at first but soon stop.

How do you do it when you masturbate by yourself ? show him, tell him and have him do it like that.

But if he can't then that is just the way he is.

I don't see an ultimatum like that as a good thing.

No one likes to be put in a corner with an ultimatum. Not only are most people likely to 'rebel' when presented with an ultimatum, if he acquiesced under the pressure of an ultimatum, I would find no joy in that. No joy in the pressuring to perform a certain sexual activity and no joy in his succumbing to pressure via an ultimatum.

I would be pretty unhappy performing a sexual act that I did not enjoy if I only did so in response to a threat to be left if I didn't, or a threat to not have sex with me until I agreed to do it.

It doesn't matter how I do it myself. I commented on a man's use of his hands, above. I'm generally not extremely responsive to that approach or it just feels very impersonal. Same with toys, in general. Neither provides an intimate, bonding experience for me.

[1BestFriend]

I have a strange question for you, but I have to ask... If he is put off by a women's scent and taste, has he ever considered using dental dam?

That way you can still get pleasure and there is no direct contact for him...

Honestly, if it were me, it would be a deal breaker.

Enigma, I don't know if he has ever used one in the past but for now I will assume No since he hasn't mentioned it. I've never used one, either.

Thanks for the suggestion. I'll definitely look into it.

And, yes, it was a bit of a deal breaker when my ex-bf wanted to reconcile with the intent of spending the rest of our lives together. I did consider it, though, because sex isn't everything. There were some other aspects to the relationship that when combined with the mediocre sex overtook the good things. There must be more desirable aspects than undesirable aspects, at least for me.

I've had some really great sex with men that I've loved in the past but the rest of it wasn't on-the-mark. Great sex will sometimes make a person stay in a relationship longer but eventually, especially if you're looking at the next 40 years with someone, you realize that you might want more.

[1BestFriend]

I have a strange question for you, but I have to ask... If he is put off by a women's scent and taste, has he ever considered using dental dam?

That way you can still get pleasure and there is no direct contact for him...

Honestly, if it were me, it would be a deal breaker.

Enigma, have you used a dental dam/ sex dam?

If so, did it feel right to you, physically?

I can't imagine that it wouldn't make me feel a bit unattractive and undesirable to have a man cover my private parts before going down on me as if there were something unattractive and undesirable about my parts - especially when I've had many positive comments from lovers in the past.

[1BestFriend]

I agree with Talaniman, You're only 3 months into the relationship. It's too soon to have your mind made up about yalls sex life. Give it time and practice! I wouldn't worry about making a decision now. I wouldn't give up hope that you won't ever orgasm with him. If you can orgasm by masturbating then I'm sure you can with him. Show him what you do so he can try. It sounds like he is putting in the effort with using his hands and trying out toys. I bet he'd be able to get you off if he would just learn to have some foreplay for a while.

I would just give it time and try not to be so focused on getting an orgasm. As yall get closer and he learns how you like to be touched, it can definitely start to improve.

Enigma mentioned the dental dam. That is a good idea! I've never used one of those but I think it could be really pleasurable. I don't know about you, but I go crazy during oral when I'm being "teased" and he's really gentle. I bet that's how the dental dam would feel like (I might try it now! lol). Maybe he would be open to that?


About the foreplay..so what if you try to kiss him and feel on him/ or try to makeout with him? Have you tried, what does he do? I'm curious because my husband can be uptight about certain things (like where or how I kiss on him). Is your guy like that?

Interesting thoughts and comments about giving it time. Does this actually work for people? The only time that I've ever been in a relationship and the sex was mediocre, and I was hoping that it would improve, well, it didn't... over a period of five years. Our chemistry and passion was always there but the playfulness and fun that can be had in bed was not.

Greentree, my current beau said what you've said above. He said "It will come" (no pun intended by him at the time he said it). But what if it doesn't, like the earlier relationship that I mentioned? And how long do I wait to see? (Not really expecting an answer; mostly hypothetical question.) I mean, what if we get married with the belief that it will get better and it doesn't?

You're right, of course, about not focusing on the orgasm part. It's a lot easier said than done when you're the one not having an orgasm! *laugh* Maybe I should tell him that he needs to stop during sex before having an orgasm until we get it right as far as my orgasms, too.

When we're having sex, I am mostly lost in the closeness of our bodies, the visual of what we're doing, the feeling of him against me and in me. I love all of it with him. He is usually the one to comment with something like "And you didn't come...again".

I will look into a dental dam, but see my comments above about it making me feel 'undesirable'. He even made a comment one time about that part of a woman being 'dirty', or something like that. He tried to use soap to clean inside me one time when we were in the shower (not having sex - just showering together), which will either cause me a lot of irritation or even a UTI or yeast infection.

[1BestFriend]

About the foreplay..so what if you try to kiss him and feel on him/ or try to makeout with him? Have you tried, what does he do? I'm curious because my husband can be uptight about certain things (like where or how I kiss on him). Is your guy like that?

This is something that we need to talk about, in general, I guess.

I'm not much for watching a lot of television (as of a few months ago, I don't even have cable/ TV at my home). If I am watching at his house, I'm more than happy to turn off the TV to pursue each other. There's nothing on television that is nearly as interesting as getting naked and fooling around, as far as I'm concerned.

He, on the other hand, has not has television at home for 20 years, other than the five or so channels that came to his house without cable. (He lived in the boonies where cable was not available for most of the last 20 years, and just never hooked it up when it finally was routed out there.) He moved to a more developed area the weekend before we started dating and had cable television hooked up.

If he's watching something on television (and I'm not talking about sports because I like sports, too), he is virtually non-responsive if I lean over his chair, rub my hands on his chest and/or thighs, and say something suggestive. Or he'll make some excuse. On occasion, he might respond with a comment about how even if we do, I won't come anyway, knowing that this will shut me down on the spot.

If we're, say, in the shower and things start looking up, if you know what I mean, and I start touching him. He starts to run his hands on me for maybe a minute, or less, and then moves right in for intercourse. Same in bed.

It seems that he often does not maintain an erection unless there is direct and not subtle stimulation. Don't get me wrong. His stamina and control over his orgasm is pretty impressive and enjoyable. However, touching of his body and non-penetrating foreplay does not seem to result in an erection for very long so he usually moves quickly to intercourse. But even if his erection wanes due to interruption or something, it always returns so there is no need for him to rush to get inside me. If he spends some time on bodily touching with me to turn me on, he will still be able to get it up for actual intercourse.

Really, we have not talked about foreplay in detail. Oral sex is a big part of it for me, usually, but I am very responsive to being caressed with hands, lips, etc. - as is he, actually. I gave him a full body massage one night and when I flipped him over to lie on his back, he was definitely ready to go. This might be a good example to use with him in a discussion of foreplay.

[Enigma1999]

Enigma, have you used a dental dam/ sex dam?

If so, did it feel right to you, physically?

I can't imagine that it wouldn't make me feel a bit unattractive and undesirable to have a man cover my private parts before going down on me as if there were something unattractive and undesirable about my parts - especially when I've had many positive comments from lovers in the past.

I have, and it feels good. Don't get me wrong, many women would prefer a wet warm aggressive tongue, versus one that is protected by a plastic substance, however, it can be pleasurable. If you can easily achieve orgasm by clitoral stimulation then you won't have any problem with that.

I understand your concerns, and I don't blame you taking a step back to really think about this. No, sex isn't everything, but hell, it feels amazing! Especially oral. Most women can't achieve orgasm through penetration, so that's usually where fingers and tongues come into play.

Speak to him about this option and let us know what he thinks. If he is not willing after learning this, then you have some decisions to make.

I for one cannot undersatnd men who don't care to go down on women. The female body is gorgeous in every way. The arch in her back, throwing her head back while pulling his hair during the act... I mean... what man wouldn't want to give his woman pleasure that way! Geez!

[1BestFriend]

I have, and it feels good. Don't get me wrong, many women would prefer a wet warm aggressive tongue, versus one that is protected by a plastic substance, however, it can be pleasurable. If you can easily achieve orgasm by clitoral stimulation then you won't have any problem with that.

Okay, it's probably worth bringing up to him. Still not sure how I'm going to feel having my female parts covered with a protective layer as if there's something wrong with them.

I understand your concerns, and I don't blame you taking a step back to really think about this. No, sex isn't everything, but hell, it feels amazing! Especialy oral. Most women can't achieve orgasm through penetration, so that's usually where fingers and tongues come into play.

I don't know if he thinks every woman he's ever slept with has had an orgasm by penetration only, or what. I don't know how to tell him that it's not the case without hitting his ego or, worse, making him question whether his past lovers have lied to him, and thus possibly instigating unnecessary contact with women from his past.

I can, actually, achieve orgasm with penetration alone if done in the CAT (Coital Alignment Technique) position. (Imagine my surprise when, after 25 years of achieving orgasm in this position that I find out that they've actually named it.) I've tried to move into this position underneath him, or move him up so that his pelvis is slightly above mine but he seems to prefer or think that I prefer the ol' in-and-out (to quote Clockwork Orange).

I'm not sure CAT will work with him for two reasons: First, like I said above, it seems that unless there's a certain amount of motion/ active stimulation, his erection is reduced, thus reducing the amount of pressure on the shallow upper wall of my vagina. Also, he's what I would call cuddly, meaning he carries some teddy bear weight. I love this but the little bit of padding on his upper pelvis area means padding between my pubic bone and clitoris and the base of his penis. If you're familiar with CAT, this will make sense.

I just can't believe that I have to have such a mechanical-type conversation with a man about sex.

And, yes, oral is extremely enjoyable - as he, himself, will attest to, I'm sure.

Speak to him about this option and let us know what he thinks. If he is not willing after learning this, then you have some decisions to make.

I have no idea how he thinks this condition will change if he doesn't do something different.

I for one cannot undersatnd men who don't care to go down on women. The female body is gorgeous in every way. The arch in her back, throwing her head back while pulling his hair during the act... I mean...what man wouldn't want to give his woman pleasure that way! Geez!

Neither can I. He 'let' me do oral on him to the point of him finishing in my mouth the other day for only the second time (he usually likes to stop me and move to intercourse). It was the first time that I've heard him moan like that during sex and WHAT a turn on it was to know that I was giving him such pleasure! I mean, he makes some noise during intercourse but, honestly, not a lot beyond some heavy breathing and gentle 'grunting', which I love, too.

Like I said, I've only ever been with one other man who wasn't into oral (giving, that is... none of them seem to have issues with receiving *smirk*). I always explained it to myself as being a result of his repressed Southern upbringing (no offense to any southerners - I love it down there).