[jbsoccer]

Hi all,
Need some advice/different points of view.
I have been with my girlfriend for 6 months. She has just graduated college and moved states to come get a job that I was helping her get. (We were kind of friends before, had some mutual friends etc.) She stayed next door to me while it was all getting set up.
After a couple of months she ended up moving it and it was great. I knew that she had recently split from her BF. He cheated on her, emotionally abused her, controlled her etc. I didn’t know that the final split was a week before we hooked up.
She and him remained friends with him on Facebook. He continued to 'like' posts she put up, post things on her wall. She is a genuinely nice person so didn’t say anything. After a while I mentioned that it bugged me, she said she was going to speak to him. They crossed paths at their college homecoming and one night she came across him passed out at a party, she spent 4 hours looking after him passed out.
She didn’t tell me about this immediately but I found out. She said she didn’t tell me because it would hurt me.
The Facebook things continued as did texting from time to time. She replied but always deleted them and never text first.
We started arguing about this and other little nothing things. I ended up breaking up with her a couple of times. She went on vacation and whilst she was away ignored her calls and texts for a couple of days and she had a mini break down on vacation. Her parents stepped in and helped her get an apartment for when she got back.
At the start I refused to go there, she begged me. Tried to arrange a date night there or at our old place doing all my favorite things. I refused. One night we were both out and she begged me to come back with her. I refused and went to a friend’s. As soon as I got back I regretted it and drove to her apartment.
We had sex and stayed up all night talking, she then dropped the bombshell that we couldn’t be together. She was messed up, wasn’t good enough for me and needed space.
We were up and down since then and I know the ex boyfriend is back in her life. Texting and calling. I asked her about it and she said she was confused. I know he’s asked her to get back with him and come and visit her (he lives different state). She’s refused both times.
She really is the nicest person and I truly believe that by rejecting her so many times I’ve confused her even more. We continue to have sex and we hang out from time to time.
I’m confused at whether to let you go completely and try to get over her and stay patient and be the 'nice' guy. (Which I’ve never been before).
She’s worth the wait and I can honestly see us married one day but I don’t want to get played for a fool. I broke up with her repeatedly to begin with.

I’ve missed out some other stuff but hopefully you get the idea. She is the most selfless person and it’s a blessing and a curse for her. Any advice welcome!

[talaniman]

I have been with my girlfriend for 6 months... I knew that she had recently split from her BF. He cheated on her, emotionally abused her, controlled her etc. I didn't know that the final split was a week before we hooked up.

What I would do is forget the high expectations (marriage?) and false hope because its obvious she rebounded to you before she unpacked her baggage from the last guy. Made worse by staying in contact with him. That makes you her rescuer and emotional tampon to be used while she heals and gets strong enough to stand on her own.

For sure she is grateful for that and all the help and attention she has received from you. If you cannot be realistic and enjoy it while it's there, then you should leave before you hurt yourself.

We had sex and stayed up all night talking, she then dropped the bombshell that we couldn't be together. She was messed up, wasn't good enough for me and needed space.

That mean no strings attached, and things could change very fast so take this as a warning and protect yourself by any means neccesary. Doubt you really know who it is you have given your heart to so fast (6 months is rather fast considering the confusion, and drama).

[jbsoccer]

Hi talaniman,
Thanks so much for the quick reply. I don't disagree with the rescuer piece but she is/was definitely hugely invested in the relationship. She moved states, I met her entire family, she met mine, met her best friends etc etc

We've been together 6 months but I've known her for 4 years or so.
Im not sure its no strings for her. Sex is HUGE deal for her. She is very emotionally attached to it and doesn't have sex with many guys at all.

What I would do is forget the high expectations (marriage?) and false hope because its obvious she rebounded to you before she unpacked her baggage from the last guy. Made worse by staying in contact with him. That makes you her rescuer and emotional tampon to be used while she heals and gets strong enough to stand on her own.

For sure she is grateful for that and all the help and attention she has recieved from you. If you cannot be realistic and enjoy it while its there, then you should leave before you hurt yourself.



That mean no strings attached, and things could change very fast so take this as a warning and protect yourself by any means neccesary. Doubt you really know who it is you have given your heart to so fast (6 months is rather fast considering the confusion, and drama).

[talaniman]

Sex is a great pacifier for hurt, confused, on needy people, but no substitute for Good Orderly Direction and making decisions based on facts and not just feelings.

Protect yourself from the unintentional. Just in case I am right.

[amicon]

She's right when she says she's messed up-as she never healed from her breakup.
Healing is a process which takes time.

Protect your heart and step away from this.