[daniigurl]

My boyfriend and I have a child together, we've not been together an extended period, when we first started dating we both had the same views on marriage, that neither of us thought we'd ever get married, etc. then I found out I was pregnant and my outlook changed, things became very serious very quickly and the future I wanted with him changed, I suddenly found myself wanting to get married (not now, but perhaps in five years or so, we're both fairly young). He doesn't view marriage to be necessary, his parents were never married, etc.. Personally I think it's the level of commitment that intimidates him (we had a son and that was very hard on our relationship, as it wasn't planned and I didn't want kids and at the time he didn't either), we're still recovering from a rocky relationship due to the hormones during Pregnancy and the huge change in type of relationship, so I can understand him feeling the same way about marriage as he did in the beginning, my question is, does anyone think after a few years he'd ever change his mind? The probability? And the odds of me possibly having to walk away because he still isn't willing to make me his wife? The way I see it, of I'm already playing the role of a wife, then what's the difference? I want the ideal family for my son to grow up in, married, etc. I don't see my outlook on marriage changing again now that I have a child, whether I'm with the father or not, I do want to get married someday

[Fr_Chuck]

Maybe, but he was clear about not wanting, to, so you have to accept he may never want to. You can not expect him to change just because you did.

[Homegirl 50]

If you are living like you're married now, if he has all the benefits of being married without it, why would he want it?
You can't change his mind, but chances are if that is what you want, you may not get it with him.

[Wondergirl]

That's how he sees what you said, but from a different angle --

You:

The way I see it, of I'm already playing the role of a wife, then what's the difference?

His point of view is, Why marry her? I have it all now.

[Homegirl 50]

You said it better than I did Wondergirl

[Wondergirl]

You said it better than I did Wondergirl

I was merely doing a version of what you said, like Fr_Chuck's "Why buy the cow if you are already getting the milk for free?"

[hheath541]

His opinion might change, or it might not. There's really no way of knowing what the future holds.

Why is being married so important to you, now? What will REALLY change for your family if you marry him? Your child will still have two parents that live together and love each other. How much you love each other won't change. No matter what, you will still be tied together for the rest of your lives, because you share a child.

In reality, very little would likely to change if you get married. You might change your name, which you could do anyway. You could file joint taxes. You would have automatic decision making and visitaion rights if the other is hospitalized. You would share health care benefits. You would become legal next-of-kin for the other. You would have a piece of paper saying you are in a legally recognized relationship.

How much of that would REALLY change your relationship? Would it impact your feelings for each other? Your level of commitment? How you approach decisions, or parenting, or finances, or household chores?

I'm not saying you should give up the hope of getting married. I'm just asking if you really want it to be a deal breaker. Are you willing to give up a good relationship, in the hopes that you'll find a 'better' one? How would that impact your child? Do you think having one parent who is married is better than having two unmarried parents who live together and love each other?

[daniigurl]

His opinion might change, or it might not. There's really no way of knowing what the future holds.

Why is being married so important to you, now? What will REALLY change for your family if you marry him? Your child will still have two parents that live together and love each other. How much you love each other won't change. No matter what, you will still be tied together for the rest of your lives, because you share a child.

In reality, very little would likely to change if you get married. You might change your name, which you could do anyway. You could file joint taxes. You would have automatic decision making and visitaion rights if the other is hospitalized. You would share health care benefits. You would become legal next-of-kin for the other. You would have a piece of paper saying you are in a legally recognized relationship.

How much of that would REALLY change your relationship? Would it impact your feelings for each other? Your level of commitment? How you approach decisions, or parenting, or finances, or household chores?

I'm not saying you should give up the hope of getting married. I'm just asking if you really want it to be a deal breaker. Are you willing to give up a good relationship, in the hopes that you'll find a 'better' one? How would that impact your child? Do you think having one parent who is married is better than having two unmarried parents who live together and love each other?

I don't think itd change the relationship, its more of a moral thing, I was brought up to believe you shouldn't have kids outside of marriage, so its more of a social standard I've set for myself. Since I didn't want kids before my son, I didn't want to get married either.

[daniigurl]

I was merely doing a version of what you said, like Fr_Chuck's "Why buy the cow if you are already getting the milk for free?"

Our relationship is serious, but he didn't have all the perks of being married, we don't live together, my son lives with me full time and my partner works full time, so we alternate weekends basically, I go to his place saturday-monday then the nect week he comes to mine, at the time that we found out I was pregnant we were planning to move in together, but due to the Pregnancy we were no longer financially able to and as a result of that he ended up renting a room from family and is in a bit of a bind financially with them because they cannot afford this place without him. We live 30 minutes away from one another currently.

[Wondergirl]

Well, there are lots of things he won't get in the relationship if he isn't married to you, many of them legal. They may not be important now, but will be if you or he end up in the hospital or as both of you age (if you are still together). If you want the list, I will Google for it.

[hheath541]

If you can't currently afford to live together, then maybe that's a big part of why he doesn't want to get married. Weddings aren't cheap, and being married would probably mean finding a new place to live.

[Alty]

I don't think itd change the relationship, its more of a moral thing, i was brought up to believe you shouldn't have kids outside of marriage, so its more of a social standard i've set for myself. Since i didn't want kids before my son, i didnt want to get married either.

It's a bit too late to hit the moral high ground now. You already have a child together, so it's too late to get married first, and then have children. The standard you set for yourself is no longer an issue, since you've already gone against it.

[Wondergirl]

What Alty said.

[daniigurl]

It's a bit too late to hit the moral high ground now. You already have a child together, so it's too late to get married first, and then have children. The standard you set for yourself is no longer an issue, since you've already gone against it.

I'm not too sure my point is coming across correctly, its not a standard I had from the beginning, one I was to view highly of, but not one I sought after, I didn't want children and because of that never really thought id want to be married, once I found out I was pregnant my views on it changed, for numerous reasons, but again its not something I'm looking to have right now, maybe in five years or so. To me it's the level of commitment, what it says to have a man be willing to marry you etc, its more of a concrete future that I look for now because we are tied by this child no matter what.

[Homegirl 50]

This is a conversation you should be having with him and he does not seem to see the need for marriage. You have to decide if you want things to continue as they are.