[LUVMUFN25]

Seven months ago, I ended an 11 year relationship with my children's father. I told myself that I would focus on being free and having fun considering I missed out on it during my previous relationship. Soon after I very casually starting seeing an ex from twelve years ago, I mean back then we were children and decided to try our hand as adults. On almost unspoken terms, we decided to avoid a relationship since both of us are fresh out of one. We hang out a lot and we really good friends. Though I never brought it to his attention, I started dating another person two months ago. Me and the new guy have a lot of commonalities, we go to the gun range, go cart, travel. But he also wants to take his time, using the phrase, "if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't". I've been okay about it. This is where the problem begin. The more time I spend with both of them, the more intense it gets. No doubt that me and new guy are going places fast but truth is, I care about him and while I see things in the future for us, my feelings for him are lukewarm compare to my ex. I adore my ex, I could love him, and want a relationship with him. We both care about each other. It just when it comes to feelings, I don't express them because of the obvious fear of rejection. I want him so bad and the more intense we get, the more I become compelled to speak my peace. Whereas, at first I refrained, I shower him with affection and attention. He enjoys the perks. He also suspects there is someone else, he from time to time shows his jealousy but doesn't take it past a few words because of us being so "casual". I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to tell him, maybe he doesn't feel the same way. The fear of rushing into something and having it fail, looms. Then to I'm not ready to dump the new guy, cause we have so much fun. I managed to keep them both during this time, but this is getting super old. What should I do?

[dontknownuthin]

When you are casually seeing people and not involved physically, which isn't clear in your story, it's fine to see more than one person. When you start becoming sexual with the person and start having more serious romantic feelings about them, it is not really adviseable to continue seeing additional people. Rather, you should deal honestly with the person you have the feelings for, which does require some emotional risk on your part. Dating is more than 50% rejection, but better to find out if the person is not pursuing the relationship with hopes of growth than to grow closer in the interim.

I think you need to cut the less appealing guy loose. You don't have to slam the door on him but you can tell him that you have realized you have unresolved feelings about someone else, and want to deal with him honestly. You can let him know you aren't clear in what you are feeling but do think you need to tie up the loose ends with the other person before you can honestly and fairly date anyone else. He may never want to date you again, and he may be fine being just friends, and he may leave the door open if you want to come back, but those are his choices which you simply need to respect and honor.

It makes no sense to tell someone you want something "casual" when you do not want that. You block off possibility for yourself, and guarantee that you can't have what you want. If the guy tells you "if it happens it happens' that's an indication that he is open to possibility - any possibility. So, there's no reason you can't then say, "Hey, this casual thing - I'm not feeling that casual about you any more. I'm developing real feelings for you here. What do you think about that?"

The thing is, people view relationships as being so complicated by they are only complicated if you permit them to be. When you are honest, and respond not only to the words but also the actions of the other person, you can simplify things a lot.

[slapshot_oi]

What should I do?

Leave them both alone. You're rebounding from the last relationship. I know this because you admitted to your "fear of rejection".

If you were at ease, rejection wouldn't bother you, because you would know that's just part of the dating game and you would accept it graciously.

You also wouldn't be dating two guys at the same time.