[wosbaby]

I'd met Liza online 6 years ago, in a group forum. We became friends online, and with my moral support, she was able to get out of a 15 yr abusive relationship. When she left her ex, she'd moved into a women's shelter in GA. While in the shelter, she met another man through a dating site, which turned out to be a scammer and used her to move items bought with stolen credit cards.

Liza remained almost 2 years in shelters for domestic violence, when she'd finally gotten a job as a nanny in our state. I was overjoyed that she would be moving so close to us, and that I would finally get to meet her in person. After a week at that live in job, she surmised that the father of the children was a polygamist. She'd called me, frantic, asking what to do because she did not feel she could safely leave. I advised her to call the police and tell them what she'd told me. She did, and they escorted her to a bus stop away from the house, where I'd driven to pick her up.

The plan originally was that she would spend the weekend with us, then on Sunday evening, I would take her to the local shelter, which I'd already contacted. Sunday evening came, and my husband and I just didn't have the heart to take her to yet another shelter, so we agreed she could stay with us until she was on her feet.

I tried to get her to apply for jobs, but she always had an excuse not to. Thinking she was penniless, both myself and my 16 yr old daughter bought her new clothes. We found out later that she had $80 on her.

I got her a job at a hotel that I'd just begun managing, as a front desk clerk. It soon became very apparent that she could not even handle a simple task such as that. She repeatedly makes mistakes, "forgets" how to do the most basic of things, and calls me constantly for advice on how to do mundane tasks. The owners have wanted me to fire her, but I fought to let her keep her job and only use her on slow days.

During all this, my family and I have hit some finanacial stress in which we are struggling to keep our electricity on, find our next meal, get my daughter the glasses she so desperately needs, etc...

Knowing our financial situation, when Liza got her first check she went and bought herself a new iPhone! No offers to help with even gas for my car for taking her back and forth to work, much less anything else! All she does is sit on the couch, talking online to various men she meets on dating sites.

She does nothing to help around the house, offers to pay nothing, and makes a mess.

Recently, my husband and I had to go out of town for a funeral. Liza was scheduled to work, so I left her my car. My son called me late at night our first night away, and told me Liza hadn't come home in my car yet. After 3 hours of trying to contact her, I finally got through. The car had run out of gas, and she was lost. After about 15 minutes of trying to get a straight answer of where she might be, she finally tells me the police were there with her. I had her put the officer on the phone and found out she'd gone 40 miles in the opposite direction to get home, had run out of gas and put oil in my car (thinking that was the problem), and my car was sitting in the middle of the road with a dead battery and no lights at night! The officer agreed to bring her home, and I would send my son the next day to retrieve my car.
When my son went to see if he could fix my car, he found she'd put oil in the power steering pump! He spent $40 of his own money to fix the car and get it home. Liza texted me the following day, apologizing, and saying she'd pay for any damages.

A week later, my son needed that money for gas to go to work. I asked Liza if she had the $40 for him, since he had to use his own money to fix my car. She gave me the $40, saying 'don't worry about repaying me!'

To this date, she still does nothing to help out. She gripes about any shift I've given her to work at the hotel, even though I am the one that has to get up at 5:30am on my day off to drive her there and pick her up. She doesn't offer to pay for ANYTHING. She'll only eat dinner if I fix her plate for her. She doesn't clean up after herself. All she does is sit on the couch, playing on her phone- CONSTANTLY!

I feel bad for her in a way, because there is definitely something not right with her, mentally. Even the simplest, written instructions, she cannot comprehend. When you try to explain something to her, she cuts you off with, "Ok, ok...I've got it" and continues to do things wrong, immediately. At first, I thought it was because of the years of abuse that made her the way she is. I'm thinking now, though, that maybe this is just normal for her. She strikes me as being possibly borderline autistic or something. The officer the night she'd gotten lost even asked me, 'Ma'amm, is this typical behavior for her?'because of how she was acting. She gets frustrated and easily comes undone over any small thing.

Our problem is that we need her to become independent and work towards getting on her feet, of which she seems to have no intent. We don't want to put her out in the cold, nor do we want to be mean and hurt her feelings. Not-so-subtle hints do not work... she simply doesn't get it. Any flat out request is either deflected by her trying to change the subject, or (if monetary) she tells us we don't have to worry about paying her back.. like it's a loan! (And that's if she even thinks she should give us anything at all.)

I'm planning on taking her to the housing authority and food stamp office on my next day off. Other than that, how would we approach the subject of her getting out on her own, with tough love but without being hurtful? We're between a rock and a hard place, here!

(By the way, she's not a young girl.. she is 53 years old!)

[joypulv]

'Our problem is that we need her to become independent and work towards getting on her feet'
No, that is her problem, not yours. You took on a do-good project that had a very low chance of success in the first place, and still does, despite all your efforts. She isn't 53 and homeless because of recent twists of fate; it is clear this is lifelong or at least most of it. You need to arrange for her to go to a shelter. A good shelter can help her get on disability for her scattered thinking, whatever diagnosis she falls under. Her thoughtless sense of entitlement could be just that, and how she acquired it is not relevant. If she can drive and use the internet and an iPhone, she probably isn't lacking a sense of right and wrong. Time to let her go, without guilt.

[wosbaby]

Thank you, joypulv. If I'd have known that her issues lie this deeply, we never would've opened our heart and home to her! I'm very compassionate, as are my hubby and children, and we felt we could be of help to her. I think her intentions are not malicious... I think she just really don't 'get' it! The problem is that the only shelter in our immediate area is for domestic violence only, and is a short term emergency shelter. She needs somewhere more permanent that can offer a lot deeper help than we can give. Trouble is, how can we push her in this direction without being downright mean about it?

[joypulv]

By being direct and unapologetic. 'It wasn't planned to last this long' and you 'have financial needs of your own.' I would refuse to engage with any protests she may have - just say pack your bag, we're going. Either talk to the shelter about her recent domestic violence situations and how you were just a temporary stop, or drop her at the door! She knows how to leave you out of the loop, I'm sure, which isn't cheating. She is a chronic victim of violence.

Oh, and who is paying for her monthly iPhone charges, I wonder? You didn't arrange for her to give you ANY of her pay? You have been much too easy.

[wosbaby]

By being direct and unapologetic. 'It wasn't planned to last this long' and you 'have financial needs of your own.' I would refuse to engage with any protests she may have - just say pack your bag, we're going. Either talk to the shelter about her recent domestic violence situations and how you were just a temporary stop, or drop her at the door! She knows how to leave you out of the loop, I'm sure, which isn't cheating. She is a chronic victim of violence.

Oh, and who is paying for her monthly iphone charges, I wonder? You didn't arrange for her to give you ANY of her pay? You have been much too easy.

She pays her own cell phone bill, via the job I'd gotten her. When she came to stay with us, I'd told her not to worry about helping out financially until she'd gotten a job. She has a job now, and is still oblivious to helping out. When asked to directly, she acts like she's doing us a favor by telling us, 'you don't have to pay it back'. And you're right about the shelter... I'll give them a call tomorrow. If they can't take her (which they are often full), I'll stick to my plan to take her to the housing authority on Tuesday to see about getting her on the waiting list.

We are the only friends she has (now I know why), and she is in a strange place where she knows no one. I guess this is why our guilt is so prevailent.

[KBC]

I just came from a very similar situation,

I offered to share my place with someone who needed a place.. through a mutual friend we made the first contact one which I set ground rules,boundaries as it were.I'd been through this before with less than good results.

To offer your home,your place of safety and security to a complete stranger is noble.. and sometimes those who you offer this to are less than noble.They have expectations and (in my experience) do not have 'social graces' we would expect from others(putting ourselves in their shoes,we probably would not be this way to those who offer us help freely)

I set the boundaries of 1 month(the month of May 2012) and made it clear that she would share bills and food the entire time she was to be here(she had a job and could afford to share the responsibilities) Upon the first week I took note of her lack of 'social responsibility'.. she assumed I would do all the dishes, clean,pick up groceries.etc.. as this was my routine already,I treated it as normal.. for a guest,, not a room mate..

Sharing my concerns with our mutual friend allowed me to compare my take of her with the previous person she had stayed with.. the pattern was exactly the same..

At the conclusion of the month she attempted to amend our agreement,which I said no to.. yes,I felt some guilt that I had to put her out.. (she immediately found a place to live and packed her things) She was expecting me to drive her there,which I did, moved her out and got over the feeling of putting someone out(We had agreed to 1 month,no more,once set,the ground rules MUST be adhered to)

A suggestion.I would allow her to understand,kindly,that you are going to have to let her move to another place, give her your reasons,that this isn't how you want things to be continuing and you need your home back,it is your home,not hers!

Make a deadline allowing her to seek a different place to live and don't back down from it! No matter what!

Enabling her to continue as she is only keeps this a problem for you professionally and causes more stress in your home.You are not a bad person for wanting your personal space back.No one will judge you if you allow her to move on.Least of all those who read this..

Please consider what I've written and look to end this hardship, if not for you,for her,you are coddling someone who doesn't want to improve herself.. even if she's mentally challenged,that is no reason for you to put aside your life for them.you have done enough,now she has to do for herself.

That's my take on this.I hope I have helped you make a decision you are comfortable with.

Ken

[wosbaby]

Thank you, Ken. That was eloquently put! I have discussed setting a deadline for her with my husband in the past, and we agreed that would be a right decision. I've only been hesitating because I haven't been sure on how to approach her with it. She has no vehicle, which will make it hard for her to get to and from work. (There is no bus or cab service here, as we are in a rural area). I will find the words to break this to her, and will follow your advice. I guess I really needed the reassurance that we are not 'bad' people for pushing her to find a place. I know she needs to do this for herself, and by her staying with us doing nothing to better herself hurts both her and my family. Dear God, I only hope she can survive on her own!

[Fr_Chuck]

She is a scammer of her her own right, most likely about 1/2 of what she told you in past is lies, and sorry you are being taken advantage of.

In this issue, she has used people in various ways all her life. She will not change, does not want to change.

A good need never goes unpunished is a old saying with a lot of truth in it.

Evict her, take her to a shelter and drop her off.

Sorry your post shows a person who things the world is all nice and people want to do good. Wake up to real life.

[joypulv]

Any housing authority will probably have a waiting list of YEARS. You really do have to face the fact of the shelter. She will probably not stay there long, finding someone, man, woman, family, to take her in again.
You politeness is not doing her any favors. In fact it wouldn't be too surprising if she tries to filch stuff just before you take her to the shelter. It's just the survival mode of those who never had much, and you have to be tough.