[jonathan64]

I'm a 38 year old male who is still a virgin. I have tried to get a girl since I was 17 but has failed throughout. Why? Well, I wish I could understand that myself. Some reasons are that I have a huge lack of confidence (which has grown every time I have been turned down), I am quite introvert, and probably not too good looking (but far from bad looking). I have been on a few dates but it has never gone any farther. Except for twice (8 years ago and 4 years ago) when we were going to have sex. But I was so anxious about how it would be so I wanted to let them know that I had never been with a woman before. And both times they left immediately.

So, how does the majority of women look at old male virgins? Will I ever have a chance of getting sex and a relationship? I'm keen on getting sex of course but just as much I want a relationship with a woman who I can be close to, feel her warmth, her body, her love. Will this be impossible? Please be honest on how you feel about old male virgins and if you could (or couldn't) accept being with a 38 year old who never had sex.

Please?

[Wondergirl]

If you want to date women in their 20s, they will probably be horrified that you are a virgin. On the other hand, if you date women your age or even older, you will probably find a few virgins among them and much more acceptance of and pleasure at your virginity.

Do you know how the male and female bodies are constructed and the logistics of sex? More important, do you know how to make a woman feel special, like she's your treasure?

[Enigma1999]

Oh what fun I would have with you. *evil grin* ;)

I'm only kidding. If you knew me like the others in here, you would know I have a sick sense of humor.

On a serious side here, you are not old... yet. I for one, think that it is very sweet that you are still a virgin. As a woman, I can tell you that virginity in an older man would not turn me off. In fact, I would have more respect. If women have left you simply because they learned you are a virgin, then frankly, they are not worth your time.

Will you find sex? Perhaps.

Anyone can have sex for the sake of sex. It's having a caring meaningful relationship that counts.

[dontknownuthin]

First, nobody will know you are a virgin unless you tell them. Perhaps you might want to wait until there's more of a strong relationship established before you share something so personal about yourself. Second, the issue is really your confidence in yourself, not your sexual status.

I would recommend that you work on yourself esteem with counseling. You need to get to a point where you aren't worried about whether women will accept you or not, and instead just look for the connection. Don't make it about the conquest but about finding someone you enjoy being with. If there's love and respect, the rest will develop from there. And please, don't try to get "game". Women can't stand when men have pick up lines and try to act all smooth. Just be genuine.

[jonathan64]

Thanks for the responses so far.
@Wondergirl: Of course I know how man and women are constructed and the logistics around sex. Regarding how to make a woman feel special, I guess I have some ideas around that but since I really never had a chance to try it I may have things to learn. But I really would love to give a woman all my attention, care and love.

@Enigma1999: Well, I am not sure that anyone can have sex for the sake of sex as I have not been able to get that yet. However what I really want most is indeed a relationship. But I will never get that either as long as I can't attract women. Right?

@Dontknownuthin: You are absolutely correct that my lack of confidence is my biggest problem. However, as I have been turned down twice just because of the fact that I am still a virgin I really think this could have importance to some women. But next time I get a chance I will not say anything. However, when you have been turned down for 20 years, how can I build up my confidence in myself?

Any help, hints, ideas are mostly welcome. I need to understand myself why women turns me down to be able to move forward.

[Wondergirl]

Soooooooo, let's work on building up your confidence. How about your physical appearance? Let's start there. How do you feel about how you look?

[jonathan64]

Soooooooo, let's work on building up your confidence. How about your physical appearance? Let's start there. How do you feel about how you look?

Well, there are better looking guys and probably worse looking guys. I am not styling myself too much as this would probably not be me. I'm quite thin (perhaps too thin), about 180 cm (5'11). I think I dress myself reasonably well. But I have no idea how women thinks my look is.

[Wondergirl]

So far so good. And you are clean, smell okay, get your hair cut now and then, wear clothes that go together? etc. (Don't worry about "women" yet.)

How about social? You write well, so I am guessing you can hold your own in a conversation. Are you a good listener? (Women like to talk.) Do you belong to any groups? -- a church, the local historical society, Toastmasters, the garden club, a book discussion group at your local public library or a library writers' group? Do you volunteer anywhere -- at an animal shelter, a nursing home, a library, a hospital? To overcome that shyness a bit, it is good to be out and about with other people of all ages and both genders.

[joypulv]

I'm a little shocked that 2 women would 'leave immediately' upon finding out that you are a virgin. I loved a man (he 25, I 32) who was a virgin. Our sex life started pretty bumbly and a bit nerve wracking for both of us, but we both wanted to work it all out, and we did. I don't remember how many different days it took. It wasn't really a definitive moment.

Anyway, I bring this up because I wonder what you said and how you said it that drove them away. Maybe you are so worried about failure that you set it up. A little hope and expectation for good goes a long way, whether in bed or out. I know some guys who are not so good looking, short, skinny, fat, acne scars, the whole bit, who are just the most lovable wonderful people because they are friendly and nice and don't act like they are about to be rejected. It's all in forgetting yourself.

[Wondergirl]

It's all in forgetting yourself.

You hit the nail on the head, Joy!

He has to learn how to make the other person the most important thing that has crossed his path all day.

[jonathan64]

So far so good. And you are clean, smell okay, get your hair cut now and then, wear clothes that go together? etc. (Don't worry about "women" yet.)

How about social? You write well, so I am guessing you can hold your own in a conversation. Are you a good listener? (Women like to talk.) Do you belong to any groups? -- a church, the local historical society, Toastmasters, the garden club, a book discussion group at your local public library or a library writers' group? Do you volunteer anywhere -- at an animal shelter, a nursing home, a library, a hospital? To overcome that shyness a bit, it is good to be out and about with other people of all ages and both genders.

I guess I am clean, have my hair cut and then and wear clean clothes. I am not the fashion type of guy but I hope my clothes don't match too bad.

I'm very shy, particular when it comes to women. I'm less shy at work. I'm quite good at my job and have no problem with confidence there. I believe Í am a good listener. I may have problems keeping a good conversation alive though as I am so introvert. I have no problems being among friends (have a few, not too many) but meeting new people is more difficult. I play music with some people, go to sports events, movies, theatres but it's true I don't spend much time in groups where I need to talk a lot. Probably something I need to work on.

[Wondergirl]

I want you to join one new group in December -- become a volunteer somewhere or join one of the other groups I mentioned -- or a group of your choice. Let me know which one you join.

[jonathan64]

I'm a little shocked that 2 women would 'leave immediately' upon finding out that you are a virgin. I loved a man (he 25, I 32) who was a virgin. Our sex life started out pretty bumbly and a bit nerve wracking for both of us, but we both wanted to work it all out, and we did. I don't remember how many different days it took. It wasn't really a definitive moment.

Anyway, I bring this up because I wonder what you said and how you said it that drove them away. Maybe you are so worried about failure that you set it up. A little hope and expectation for good goes a long way, whether in bed or out. I know some guys who are not so good looking, short, skinny, fat, acne scars, the whole bit, who are just the most lovable wonderful people because they are friendly and nice and don't act like they are about to be rejected. It's all in forgetting yourself.

Well, that's exactly what happened. Let me tell about it. First time: We were on our 3rd date, had seen a movie and she wondered if I wanted to spend the night at her place. So I got extremely nervous as I did fear I would make a fool of myself so I told her that I certainely wanted but I need to tell her something first. So I did. And then she got a bit upset, close to freaked out, and told me that she was terribly sorry, but she couldn't take this. So she took off.

2nd time was close to a copy of the first but we were on our 4th date. So I have learned that I probably shouldn't mention this at all. However I know that if I get another chance I will worry a lot about it which probably will ruin it. May need some therapy perhaps to be calmer?

[Wondergirl]

Where do you live? Maybe the dating climate is more relaxed there? After only a few dates seems a bit soon for the woman to be asking for sex.

[Enigma1999]

Where do you live? Maybe the dating climate is more relaxed there? After only a few dates seems a bit soon for the woman to be asking for sex.

I agree!

I usually make a man wait at least six months before any type of sexual behavior. Funny thing is, men don't make it that far being that they can't wait that long.

Three dates is too . If you want to gain more friendships with men and women, then you need to learn how to be more outgoing.

You play music? What kind?

WG had many great ideas on meeting new people. Try to strike up a conversation with a woman.

I will be honest here. I love confident men. I like when men take initiative. Most women do. Try to gain more confidence in yourself.

[jonathan64]

Where do you live? Maybe the dating climate is more relaxed there? After only a few dates seems a bit soon for the woman to be asking for sex.

I live in the Boston area. The first time I was rejected because my virginity was when I lived in UK for a few years, the second time happened in Boston. I was born and grew up in Sweden but moved to UK when I got an offer for a good job. Later I moved to US when another job opportunity showed up.

I have no idea whether 3-4 dates is a short period before having sex or not but this is what happened. Perhaps they were more interested in having a sexual relationship?

In either way, it hurt quite terrible.

I agree!

I usually make a man wait at least six months before any type of sexual behavior. Funny thing is, men don't make it that far being that they can't wait that long.

Three dates is too . If you want to gain more friendships with men and women, then you need to learn how to be more outgoing.

You play music? What kind?

WG had many great ideas on meeting new people. Try to strike up a conversation with a woman.

I will be honest here. I love confident men. I like when men take initiative. Most women do. Try to gain more confidence in yourself.

Thanks for being honest. I appreciate that a lot and I don't think I can get any help if you wouldn't be honest.
I play classical music. Am a decent violinist for not being professional. Love to play chamber musich when I get the opportunity. I have come across a number of women this way too, but only a few accepted a date, and no one was interested in a second one. I do my best to take initiatives but my poor confidence makes it quite obvious that myself esteem is not on top. Do you think it is even possible getting the confidence back when you have been rejected for about 20 years? Honestly?

[Enigma1999]

Thanks for being honest. I appreciate that a lot and I don't think I can get any help if you wouldn't be honest.
I play classical music. Am a decent violinist for not being professional. Love to play chamber musich when I get the opportunity. I have come accross a number of women this way too, but only a few accepted a date, and noone was interested in a second one. I do my best to take initiatives but my poor confidence makes it quite obvious that my self esteem is not on top. Do you think it is even possible getting the confidence back when you have been rejected for about 20 years? Honestly?

I do. However, it will take time as I am sure you already know that.

You as well as others have conditioned you, your thoughts, and how you handle things. As all of us.

Most people have something that they are vulnerable to. Something that we lack in confidence.

Here is a silly example. I am an A student. 4.0 (Alty can vouch) and I feel very confident that I will succeed with my PHD, however, I lack confidence in myself when I play any type of music. Not because I am horrible, but because I feel as if there are better musicians. Same with art. I am told I am a great artist, but I feel uncertain.

Point is, I try even harder to succeed at what I lack confidence in. This confidence can take time and practice.

You write very well. You seem knowledgeable. The introverts that I know are extremely intelligent. Not saying extroverts are not, but introverts usually spend more time on studies and observations.

I sit next to a guy in one of my psychology classes. He is very shy. Introvert as well. He can't even look me in the eyes. Not because he has no respect, but because he is very shy with no confidence. He has admitted that he finds me very attractive. I know this. I can sense it from him. He has no confidence, and I believe that he should. He is smart, sweet and charming.

So you see, we all have something that we lack in. Confidence, I mean.

Let me ask you this, why do you think these women don't go on a second date?

[Wondergirl]

Are you still living in the US or are you back in Sweden? Have you ever considered asking out a shy, maybe even plain woman for lunch or maybe for coffee? One of our experts often says to date them all, no matter if they are short and fat or tall and thin or plain or pretty. You could have a date or two every weekend and just do a big sampling of women to find out what type/personality works for you (and her).

And I cannot stress enough to get out into the world. Even if you hang out with old people or married people, they all know an unfettered woman who is a relative or friend or neighbor whom they think might be a good match for you.

[jonathan64]

Are you still living in the US or are you back in Sweden? Have you ever considered asking out a shy, maybe even plain woman for lunch or maybe for coffee? One of our experts often says to date them all, no matter if they are short and fat or tall and thin or plain or pretty. You could have a date or two every weekend and just do a big sampling of women to find out what type/personality works for you (and her).

And I cannot stress enough to get out into the world. Even if you hang out with old people or married people, they all know an unfettered woman who is a relative or friend or neighbor whom they think might be a good match for you.

I'm still in Boston but have had thoughts moving back to Sweden alhough I don't have that many contacts left there. My parents are gone and have no other close relatives there (or anywhere for that matter). If I had any idea where I would have the greatest chance to get a family this would have a major impact on my decision but this is likely difficult to even guess.
I have asked plain women for dates and I think overall it is most them who have accepted. So I have tried. However I definitely see your point of getting out more. Will work on that.

One question: I may not need to worry but still, are you absolutely sure that the fact that I have never been with a woman won't matter for most women? I know there are some who deliberatily have waited with sex until they have met the right partner but this is indeed not the case for me. I would have though some would wonder what's wrong with this guy who always was rejected.
And can I be reassured that the women who rejected me for being a virgin are really not representative for women in general? That I only had bad luck meeting the wrong girls?

[Wondergirl]

The women you have encountered are not the norm. And do not wear a big R (for rejection) on your shirt front! We women get rejected all the time. (Women should wear shirts with a big R on the front!) It's part of the human condition, to be rejected and to learn how to get past that and know how to like yourself and honor yourself and believe in yourself.

So stop obsessing over having been rejected (if you want to call it that) or thinking you will be. Put your date first over yourself. Make her the most interesting thing that has crossed your path all day. Don't even mention any previous rejections or even that you are a virgin. Look for an emotional connection -- and there may not be one most of the time, for you as well as for her -- but that's okay.

When I was your age, 90% of males and females were virgins, and we lived to tell about it. We were shocked and horrified if someone HAD indulged in sex. Too bad the world is changing into a sex-crazed place.