[Enigma1999]

I've been on therapy a while and I thing this have helped me be somewhat more secure on myself and have helped me conversing with foreign people, particulary women. However, I have still not managed to get a date yet.

Great to hear about therapy! That is the first step.

Sometimes it is hard for people to take that first step, but you did, and that is great to hear.

Just keep practicing your communication skills with new people. Things will get easier for you as time goes on. The right woman will come along.

Keep up the great work!

[Renie1974]

Well, since I'm a 39-year-old female virgin, I think you're pretty damn cool. :) I can't give you any advice since I've never been on a date, had a boyfriend, or even kissed. You're just cool to me. I guess it'll happen when it happens.

[jonathan64]

I'm about to give up everything. A while ago my last relative died so I have no relatives left. I thought I had a few friends but no one but my boss (and she probably checked just because she is my boss) kept in touch while I was grieving, preparing funeral etc. So now I am living a life with no love, no care. And probability for ever finding a woman is probably quite low. I have not been able to find a date even since last time. So what's the point of keep going really?

[Alty]

I'm about to give up everything. A while ago my last relative died so I have no relatives left. I thought I had a few friends but noone but my boss (and she probably checked just because she is my boss) kept in touch while I was grieving, preparing funeral etc. So now I am living a life with no love, no care. And probability for ever finding a woman is probably quite low. I have not been able to find a date even since last time. So what's the point of keep going really?

The point is that you obviously don't want to be alone. You obviously want to be with someone. Many people don't. There are people that spend their lives alone, and prefer it that way. From what you've written on this site, that's not you.

So you continue therapy, you continue growing as a person, and growing your confidence, and you continue asking women out. They won't all say yes, and they won't all be the person you're meant to be with. Sometimes you have to throw a few fish back in the lake before you catch one that's worth keeping.

If you continue with the attitude of "What's the point, I can't do it" and all the negativity, than no, you won't find anyone. No one wants to be with someone that's always down on themselves, has no confidence. That's a real turn off.

[jonathan64]

The point is that you obviously don't want to be alone. You obviously want to be with someone. Many people don't. There are people that spend their lives alone, and prefer it that way. From what you've written on this site, that's not you.

So you continue therapy, you continue growing as a person, and growing your confidence, and you continue asking women out. They won't all say yes, and they won't all be the person you're meant to be with. Sometimes you have to throw a few fish back in the lake before you catch one that's worth keeping.

If you continue with the attitude of "What's the point, I can't do it" and all the negativity, than no, you won't find anyone. No one wants to be with someone that's always down on themselves, has no confidence. That's a real turn off.

I know you are right, guess I just was looking for some sympathy during this tough period. Pathetic, I know...

[JudyKayTee]

My concern wouldn't be the virgin. My concern would be the person making a very large deal, at 38 years old, out of being a virgin.

No problem with, "This is my first time." A lot of problems with "this is my first time" followed by a ton of insecurity.

[jonathan64]

My concern wouldn't be the virgin. My concern would be the person making a very large deal, at 38 years old, out of being a virgin.

No problem with, "This is my first time." A lot of problems with "this is my first time" followed by a ton of insecurity.

Thanks. And I certainly see your point. I will not even mention "this is my first time" if I get another change although I am quite sure I will be nervous as hell. However, I would like to ask you; With my background, do you find it strange that I am insecure about this?

[talaniman]

Talaniman Rule -Date them all, fat, short, skinny or tall! 18 to 80, blind, cripple, or crazy.

You want confidence in yourself, don't let rejection stop you and never take it personally. If you are scared to fail, you never will succeed. And why on earth would you tell a female you are a virgin?

Expand the dating pool my friend and create more options and opportunities for yourself and stop looking for romance and look for fun. The more you interact, the more you will gain confidence through experience. You don't have to be great friends, or best friends forever, just share good experience through activities you love, and enjoy
And the sex thing works itself out.

If I was your therapist I would order you to engage every human you encounter with eye contact, a smile, and a greeting. Doesn't matter what the response is, pass over the sourpusses and focus on the friendly.

I find it odd you are willing to pay for therapists and not someone just for sex to learn and grow, given you are having a hard time with dating and getting sex but to each his own. Never paid myself because I never had to but then I had MANY female friends and they had friends and it worked.

But that was in my youth, and yours is gone so don't act like a scared virgin and who will know? Just have confidence in what you do. Don't ask don't tell and go for fun. Make changes and stop scaring yourself.

[Alty]

Thanks. And I certainly see your point. I will not even mention "this is my first time" if I get another change although I am quite sure I will be nervous as hell. However, I would like to ask you; With my background, do you find it strange that I am insecure about this?

It's not strange that you would feel insecure about this. The thing is, insecurity is a very unattractive quality. Women do not like to date insecure men. So you really have to learn how to deal with your insecurity, and counseling is a good way to do that. You stated that you're in counseling. That's a very good idea.

If you continue to dwell on the past, that's where you'll always be. If you want to meet someone, want a relationship, you have to let the past go, and you have to find some confidence. Women won't judge you for being a virgin, they will judge you for being whiny and insecure about it.

[JudyKayTee]

If you are asking me specifically if I find nervousness over your first sexual experience to be strange, no, I don't. If I met you would I want you to keep your virginity a secret? No.

I have no problem with, "Hey, look, I'm a virgin. This is all new to me. I'm pretty nervous." No problem at all. I think anyone with a new sexual partner has to sort of cover the bases - "I like this, I like that." I don't find this any different.

I did disagree with the person who posted earlier about giving the oil massage, etc. I don't see the point in that particular game. A woman who is having sex with you because she legitimately cares for you isn't going to shocked - in fact, I'd be flattered!

You waited 38 years for me? Wow!

[joypulv]

What's puzzling me is that two women left when you told them. I just don't think that's the norm, and wonder if there was something about the way you told them that was off-putting. Therefore I wouldn't tell anyone! At least not until you are in bed together and it is obvious.

As I said earlier, I dated (and then married) a virgin, and I can't remember how many days we fumbled around until we got somewhere. He was anxious, shy, and I could tell it was very tough on him, but I admired him all the more for his resoluteness. A shy man with determination and resolve is very attractive to many women.

[jonathan64]

As I have no one to talk about this except for my therapist I hope you don't mind if I ask you for some positive support. I am in a bit tough period and could benefit from some optimistic cheers and support. I'm fighting on this but I wouldn't mind some extra support from the readers here.

[joypulv]

WHY don't you have anyone to talk to except your therapist? Tell us about your closest friend or two. They can be enlisted to introduce you to some shy women who will absolutely appreciate you for who you are. If you don't have one close friend, then that is first. You actually learn a lot about romance from friendships. I've never really thought out how that works, I just have a sense that it is true.

[jonathan64]

WHY don't you have anyone to talk to except your therapist? Tell us about your closest friend or two. They can be enlisted to introduce you to some shy women who will absolutely appreciate you for who you are. If you don't have one close friend, then that is first. You actually learn a lot about romance from friendships. I've never really thought out how that works, I just have a sense that it is true.

I have no real close friend. And among the few friends I have I can't think of anyone to whom I could admit that I never had a woman. Yes, it's true that I lack a lot of knowledge about romance and women.

[joypulv]

I would work on turning a friend into a close friend. Go places together, talk about this with him, meet his circle of other friends, tell them you are shy and need their help - they will want to, I'm sure. You not only learn about how they handle problems with romance but you eventually chance upon a romance through them.

[talaniman]

What's stopping you from building a life that you enjoy with people and activities that makes you happy?

[jonathan64]

What's stopping you from building a life that you enjoy with people and activities that makes you happy?

Primarily because I'm very introvert and shy. Having said that, I do have a good job and have no problem with communication there as I am quite a good expert on my field. I play music with some friends as well and do like to travel. But my main problem is that my shyness and lack of experience causes me problems to meet women.

[JudyKayTee]

I'm a woman. I'm no longer a virgin. If the man with whom I had my first sexual experience had referred to that experience in advance as "having" me - he would not have "had" me.

You really have to learn the lingo. Whether you meant that to offend or disrespect - it was offensive and disrespectful in my eyes.

If you want to "have" a woman you should not get into a sexual relationship with one. That sounds like you are keeping score.

[jonathan64]

I'm a woman. I'm no longer a virgin. If the man with whom I had my first sexual experience had referred to that experience in advance as "having" me - he would not have "had" me.

You really have to learn the lingo. Whether you meant that to offend or disrespect - it was offensive and disrespectful in my eyes.

If you want to "have" a woman you should not get into a sexual relationship with one. That sounds like you are keeping score.

My sincere apologies. I had no intention being disrespectful or being offensive whatsoever. What I meant was that I never had a relationship with a woman, sexual or romantic. I am sorry if this was not clear.

[talaniman]

Make friends and connect over time and step out of that comfort zone you stay in because of fear, and inexperience. You would be surprised at the happiness you could bring yourself. Confidence and being happy with YOURSELF is what draws people to you.