[chips86]

I have a long convoluted story. Someone, please make the effort to read through it. I need opinion, and I need help :( Thank you in advance!

I have a friend who has been in a long distance relationship for 4 years. He had been wanting to get married to his girlfriend (gf) but there were issues. The girl's parents were being difficult. He talked to me about it a lot. He and I met a year and a half or so ago and started becoming good friends around 6 months after we first met. He had always found me attractive but treated me like a friend and would joke and kid around with me and never really made me feel like he could ever like me.

That was always fine with me, because I am not the sort of person who falls for people in general unless I know they like me. I'm just protective about myself that way. I like being friends with people. I think I can care a lot and be there for people I like as a friend and that makes me happy. So we were friends, increasingly better friends and spending a lot of time together. I'd also gone through heart break and he was supportive in that. That said, I always felt he's the sort of person I would want to be with. I liked him and his girlfriend though and I wanted nothing from him other than friendship.

Around 4 months ago, we'd gone out drinking and he told me he and his girlfriend have an amorously open relationship. Because it's long distance, they allow each other to have physical trysts with other people, within limits. Basically he wanted to make out with me. I was shocked. I also got curious about it, but I didn't let him do much and cut it out before much happened at all. The next day I felt I am not used to this idea of being physical with someone without any possibility of being emotionally involved with them and it was messing with my head because now I started feeling like I might like him. I told him that and he said he's definitely with his girlfriend and this is just a physical thing and if it messes with me head he won't do it. So I said, yes, please don't. I got it all out of my head and we were friends.

He still tried a couple of times again though. It became hard for me to say no. And I kept feeling like I might fall for him. The third time we actually made out. It completely messed with my head, so I took some time away from him and then got okay and we promised to not do this again. And we didn't for a while and he commented that we could make out and have fun if I can manage to keep my feelings at bay. Eventually I felt I could. I thought if it's okay with his girlfriend, maybe it's okay for me to have a bit of fun too. He maintained that emotionally he's only with his girlfriend. So we messed around a few times, all of them initiated by him.

He started acting strange in other ways though. He would want to hold my hand, he became a lot more affectionate, he shared a lot with me, he went on about how great I am, he wanted to hug me, he complimented me a lot more. At the same time though he maintained that he's completely into his girlfriend and wants to marry her, family issues permitting. Sometimes he expressed a fear that she's losing interest, but I always assured him that from what I've heard, she really wants to get married and he should just be strong.

I was with him through a lot. He felt he could really count on me. I had completely convinced myself that I don't want anything from him, but his behavior confused me. He seemed like he was into me, but he said he wasn't. One time I confronted him after he tried to make out with me again. He said he's confused and he'll talk to his girlfriend. The next day he said he thinks he wants to be with me, but he doesn't want to be impulsive and he needs to give it thought.
I was shocked and surprised. But happy as well. I still didn't think anything would happen between us or should because he was still into his girlfriend. But it made me happy still, what he said. I suggested we take time away from each other, but he wouldn't hear of it.

Then she went and read some emails of his and broke up with him. He was very upset. But he was confused about what to do. I think he partially wanted to fix it and partially he felt like maybe it's for the best and he'll be with me. So I put aside whatever I felt and told him to go work on it. It had been 4 years, he'd loved her and I'm right here so it's easy to see me as something he wants and all other such logical things that a friend would say. I felt bad saying all that, but he's my friend so I honestly wanted him to make the best decision for him. And I wanted to be fair to her as well. I spoke as a friend would.

He talked to her, she forgave him and he told me nothing could happen between me and him. I agreed and let it be. He came to me the next day and asked me what I wanted. I said it didn't matter and to let it be and work on his relationship. He insisted and we sat and talked for a couple of hours and eventually I told him I think he and I would be good together, but I don't want him to hurt her or leave something of 4 years for a mere possibility and I know I haven't allowed myself to feel much so I can completely definitely be just friends with him. He said he wants to think and he's seriously considering being with me and he's told his girlfriend that too. This again made me feel happy, but I was careful to not let myself expect much.

Then the next day again he said it makes sense that he be with his girlfriend, 4 years and all, she knows him inside out and they have worked on getting used to each other and with me it's just a possibility so he's going to be with her. I agreed again and let it be, though again, I felt bad.

Again the next day he said he was miserable. He said if this was the right thing to do, why does it feel so bad. Now I realised he's too confused so I told him I am taking myself away as an option. I don't want anything with him. He should focus on his relationship and see what is up there and work on that, and if anything has to happen between us, it can wait, his relationship is more important right now. Honestly it was hard saying all this, but I felt it was the right thing to do for everyone.

After a week or so, we'd been hanging out a bit but doing nothing and he said some things that made me wonder, but nothing actually happened. Then one night he came and asked me if I want to be with him. He said he'd thought a lot about it and he doesn't think he's being impulsive. He said he loves the person I am and he wants to make me happy. He said he'd talked to his girlfriend and she didn't even seem too affected by it. The way she'd been talking, she seemed like she was losing interest too. He told me how it had been a while that she'd seemed like that. He wanted to be with me. I thought about it for a day. I told him I don't want to be a rebound and he promised me I'm not. And then I agreed. We decided to keep it a secret from our friends though.

[chips86]

He continued to talk to her because she wanted to. I didn't have any problems with that per se, but it kept bothering me to think that something went on for 4 years and now suddenly they're just friends? Is that really possible? I voiced this to him. Told him I worried that if she came back with full interest, he would leave me for her. He assured me nothing of that sort would happen, that he's over her, that she had her shot, that even if not me, he wouldn't be with her. He said he didn't leave her for me. He said he chose me, but it was going to be over with her anyway. He said I don't know how he feels about me, which is why I worry, but I will slowly learn and I will not have any doubts or concerns then. There is a thing here though. When I worried, I got scared of being hurt by him, so I would switch off for a while and need to get away from him. This made him feel bad. I didn't yell or anything, I just needed time. I always came back to him then and talked to him about what was bothering me, but I switched off because I got scared and felt protective of myself. I told him I would work on it and as my faith grows and I become less scared, I would not do this. He said he would be patient and he wouldn't let me go. He also told me that she's meeting with other guys through the arranged marriage system and looking to get married soon and he's completely fine with that and they're both past it and moving on.

For a whole month it was bliss. I was so happy. He was everything I'd ever wanted in a guy. I was getting to attached so fast. He was very happy too. He went on and on about it and about how awesome he thought I am, how pretty, how cute, how interesting, how amazing and on and on. The only real hiccups we had were that I switched off when it came to his ex-gf and I was working on that. I trusted him though and I never once asked that he not talk to her or anything. He said he was so attracted to me in every way it scared him. That that had never happened to him before. I was so happy and so nervous that this was all too good to be true. He even said he loves me, and I wasn't really ready to say that back, but I was feeling it too.

Then one day, we spent an amazing time together and we were talking and somehow he started talking about his ex and how as a girlfriend she was flawless. He was just talking about what happened and all, and I was trying to be completely objective and help him out with his thoughts as a friend would, but as a girlfriend, I couldn't help but feel worried again and I began to switch off again. This led to a tiff between us. He left and after a while, as always I contacted him. I did it thorough chat online. I told him I was feeling like I'm a rebound and that I feel he's not been upfront about his feelings about her. We discussed a bit and I just kept feeling more and more scared and I said maybe we should let it all be. He said what? I said us. He said okay and we stopped talking.

I took a walk and cleared my head and then I contacted him again to ask him to help me through this. He said our conversation made him think and he felt he left something with her for me and now this is happening and maybe he shouldn't have left her and he's going to try and save it. I was shocked. He went and talked to her and apparently she was willing to take him back and work on it and so on. I was completely shocked. What happened to all that he'd told me. I cried so much, I asked him to please give this a shot, that it really could work. He seemed unmoved. I was devastated.

The next day I decided I would deal with it. He'll do what he has to do, and I'd broken down before him the previous night, but I would not allow that again. I decided I would be strong. I met with him and told him I'll take time, but maybe we can be friends again, and I don't know how I feel about him. He was happy I was being that way and said he would do what he can to help me.

The next day he told me their parents had met the previous day and that they were thinking of a date in January to get engaged. I was so completely shocked. It was so fast. I didn't know what to do or say. He kept talking for like 2 hours and I just sat and listened and didn't say anything. He said everything he said he felt for me was true, but she's known him for 4years and they've understood each other's systems and she's the only girl that can handle him and she's a truth in his life. He said I am awesome and it's an honour to know me and have me as a friend and there is nothing wrong with me but my tendency to switch off hurt him and he couldn't handle it. He said he was sorry he hadn't thought this through better before and he wishes he could go back and change it all. I said nothing the whole time. I listened. I was shocked. I had nothing to say. I went and cried alone a lot, but I decided to just be okay with it all and let it be. What chance did I stand against a 4 year relationship anyway.

The next 2 days, I tried to make myself okay. We have to be around each other to a certain degree. It was a friend's birthday, a movie night social we'd committed to weeks ago, and I am friends on my own with his roommates so I hang out at his place anyway, but I didn't call him but called another friend to tell them I'm coming over. I was mostly in shock. He emailed me saying that I should be normal with him and call him like I used to unless I have decided to hate him or ignore him or never talk to him again. I said I've decided no such thing. He said I seemed angry. I said I'm not, I don't know what I am. He said he hopes we can be friends like we used to be. I said I don't know what will happen, maybe we will be, we'll find out. He said yes, let's take baby steps.

Then at the movie night, he was the only person I knew, so we talked a little bit thought just small talk. Then while he was with friends of his, I was standing by myself and eating before the movie began and a guy came up to me and started talking to me. I saw him look at me talking to that guy. I got a call in the middle and I saw him look at me while I took the call. Then at a dinner with friends he and I were seated next to each other and I tried to not talk to him more than was necessary without being rude. Then he went off to meet some friend of his for drinks while I went to a friend's place.

[chips86]

When I was returning from there, I got a call from him. He was drunk and asked me to meet him at a spot we used to hang out at. I went there. He was completely drunk. I tried to get him to go home, but he wouldn't budge, so I sat with him. He went on about how I left him, he said he wouldn't convince someone to be with him. He said I'm everything he ever wanted in a girl. He said he had this idea in his mind about the kind of girl he wants to be with, and I'm exactly that. He said he loves me so much. He said he's sure no one has ever loved me as much. He kissed me a bunch of times. He hugged me and wouldn't let go. He said he doesn't know what to do. I wasn't saying too much, I knew he wouldn't get it anyway. I tried to get him to stop talking about all this. He threw up and then I finally convinced him to go home.

I took him home, and put him to bed and stayed up to make sure he's okay and he woke up and he was quite sobered up, but still not completely. He kept going on and on about me and what I meant and how bad he felt that I left him. He went on about how everything feels okay if I'm there. He went on about how I'm the one. He said we're meant to be. He said we'll always come back to each other. He said a lot of such things. He said he missed me so much and he wanted to hug me and hold me. I let him. He asked me if I missed him. I'd been trying to not say much, but I couldn't help it then and I told him how awful I'd felt the whole time and that I missed him. He also said it killed him that I wasn't around him, that there was distance between us, that I called the other friend instead of him. He said when that guy talked to me at the movie night, it took a piece right out of him. He said he can't stand the distance between us. I said he should sleep and we'll talk in the morning.

In the morning we talked again. I told him how bad I'd felt. He told me how awful being away from me felt. He said he's very confused about what to do. I said he has to make a decision and stick with it, he can't keep going back and forth. He said he hasn't agreed to the engagement yet because he still has feelings for me, he's not into his ex again so he's taking time to think. I told him that I know my tendency to switch off hurts him, but given the situation and all that has happened, it was expected that I would worry. I told him that if he helped me through it, I would get over it and I would feel safe. I told him I think we make complete sense and I think this is worth it and I want to make it work. I told him I love him. He was very happy about that. He said he thinks he knows what he wants to do, but he needs to think so to give him time. I left him then. He was leaning towards wanting to be with me.

The next day we met for a little bit when I visited his place. When I returned we chatted and I asked him if he wants to be with her? He said he thinks so. He said he can't convince himself out of it. That she's the only girl who helps him see a future with her. I said they'd been together for 4 years and he himself ended up wanting out of that future. He said he's thinking that with me it's mostly physical reasons that drive him to be with me and he's into her in a lot more ways. He said they've been together for 4 years and he agreed that with time maybe he and I could've been a lot more too, but he has something precious with someone already and he doesn't want to let that go. I said I agree he has something precious and she's great. But I said I felt we had something amazing too. My friends that know about this whole deal think he's a lying exaggerating . But I think he was honest, but it's a new relationship and like any new relationship it would need time to grow, and it cannot be compared to something that was there for 4 years. I said I think it could've been something great, but if he doesn't want to try, then it cannot be. I said he should be with her, work hard on it and be true to it. And I said that he should know himself better next time, because he hurt both her and me a lot and he was very selfish in the way he behaved. He agreed and said he might need time off from me.

That evening I felt I just needed to tell him everything about how I feel, to get it out of me. I called him and told him all of that. I wasn't looking for anything. I just knew that I would never do that if I didn't do that then. I didn't want him to say anything. I honestly told him what I felt. Then when he was leaving, we hugged, and he hugged me so tight, he hugged me long and like he didn't want to let me go. I felt so awful, I cried so much.

We haven't really spoken since then. This was 2 days ago. I don't know what he's talked to his girlfriend about, whether now they're set to be engaged or what. He left me an online message last night that she wants him to keep distance from me for a while and he thinks that is reasonable and for everyone's benefit.

[chips86]

Now here I am. I know this has been super long, but I really really need advice. Someone please help me.

I am torn. I feel there was something very real between us. I don't usually just assume things, I don't read too much into things, I tend to always err on the side of caution. But despite the fact that he's actually decided to go try things with her, I can't help but feel there is something very real between us and he sees and feels that too and he will come back. I feel like maybe I should give him the time to try things out with her and he'll realise that he wants to be with me. I didn't try to convince him to be with me, whatever he felt, he felt on his own, and he kept coming back to me, 4 year relationship and all included. I feel he'll come again. I feel I should wait. I feel like I've never been in love like this. I know it was only a month, but I feel so strongly. We were together for only a month but we've been friends for so much longer. He said I am someone he could be completely himself with. He shared things with me that he didn't even with his girlfriend. Even if there is a strong physical component in what makes him want to consider me, there is also a strong emotional component as well. I think he thinks the logical and sensible thing to do is be with her because they know each other and each others ways and it did work very well. But I feel if he gave this a shot it would work too. I feel like he will see that too. He kept coming back to me. I never tried to make him.

She was looking to meet other guys to possibly get married to them, and he was unaffected. A guy just talked to me and it made him so upset. I feel all of this means something. There is nothing wrong with her, she's a wonderful girl, but I think he and I connect on a different level altogether. He didn't have a hard time breaking up with her even though they had their 4 years. He had such a hard time being distant from me for a few days.

I don't know. I can't explain how I feel. I'm torn.
I know the fact is that he has chosen to be with her. Whatever he may feel towards me, he's chosen to sacrifice that and give things with her a shot. I know that should be enough for me to realise that this is not something he wants.

But everything inside me says there is something really special here. I am not someone who is prone to aggrandizing things. I am not someone who believes in things blindly just for the sake of believing. I am not someone who's got some over-romantic notions of things like love. I am not someone who is usually wishful.
But everything in me tells me this is something that can and should work out. I get the feeling that we're "meant to be", though I don't believe in the concepts of soulmates and all that. He makes me feel all those things. Yet he's the one who's chosen away from this and he's the one who's trying to let it all go, after all that he said and did.

It's so confusing. I don't know what to do.

Please please please help!

[slapshot_oi]

From what I read: there is this guy who had a long distance relationship. He meets you. You guys hit it off and fool around. Then one day he goes back to the ol' GF and you're left heartbroken. Was that accurate?

I don't read too much into things

Lol you can't be serious. It took you four huge posts to explain a simple situation; you most definitely read too much into things.

[chips86]

From what I read: there is this guy who had a long distance relationship. He meets you. You guys hit it off and fool around. Then one day he goes back to the ol' GF and you're left heartbroken. Was that accurate?


lol you can't be serious. It took you four huge posts to explain a simple situation; you most definitely read too much into things.

Well giving a detailed description of a situation that can also be fit into a nutshell isn't really reading too much into it.

I appreciate that you bothered to read through all of it, but if you do not have any suggestions to make, or advice to give, I request you to please not belittle what I'm feeling.

Thanks

[slapshot_oi]

Fair enough, I'll provide advice... forget about him and move on.

You were just a girl on the side from the beginning. At best, you were a rebound from a failing relationship, and, at worst, he was cheating on his girlfriend with you. No matter how you slice it, this relationship was not built to last.

[chips86]

Fair enough, I'll provide advice... forget about him and move on.

You were just a girl on the side from the beginning. At best, you were a rebound from a failing relationship, and, at worst, he was cheating on his girlfriend with you. No matter how you slice it, this relationship was not built to last.

Yes I suppose you're right. That is what I would've told anyone else in my position as well.
I'm just having a hard time convincing myself of the same. I keep thinking there is still something worth waiting for and I don't do that usually. I've gotten over bigger heartbreaks and I never had to convince myself that I should, so this seems like a surprise to me. I suppose I just have to give it time, it's all very fresh right now.

Thanks again.

[slapshot_oi]

I suppose I just have to give it time

You got it, time heals all. Everyone heals at different speeds. Takes me 9 months to get over an ex.

Make sure you do not contact this guy anymore. Out of sight, out of mind.

[chips86]

You got it, time heals all. Everyone heals at different speeds. Takes me 9 months to get over an ex.

Make sure you do not contact this guy anymore. Out of sight, out of mind.

I can avoid him only to a certain degree because we have the same group of friends. It's all going to be really hard, because I don't want to lose the other friends I have and I don't want to lose the life I've built. I'm outside my country. Sucks even more because he was the closest friend I'd made here. Also, no one knows we'd started something off between us, so all of them are going to be all gush and babble about his impending engagement etc. etc. and I have to pretend I'm oh-so-happy about that as well.

It took me around 6ish months to get over my previous relationship which had gone on forever, so I suppose I should be able to get past this sooner. But as I'd mentioned, I've never felt this strongly.

Well whatever! Time I guess. That's about all I can do anyway.

Thanks again for reading through all that I'd written. I think I needed to put it all out there in all the gory detail I could manage.