[Alywoochic15]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
Really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
Up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
Gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
The box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday

[Wondergirl]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rap-rap-rap on the front door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened, and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere through the wind and rain, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

********************
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a small bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks. "No, not at all," the woman replies and pushes the bowl closer. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes instead of eating just a few peanuts, he has emptied the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all the peanuts, I just meant to have a few." "That's all right," the woman replied. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck off the chocolate."

[smearcase]

An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”

The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night.”

[smearcase]

So this lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out…caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout.

Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.

The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.

She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.

She speaks to the other bum and says, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing…
Do you think he would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”

The other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

[xTiffanyx]

LOL!!
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new2006 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$68,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing….The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: “Does anyone know whose phone this is?”

[hkstroud]

Local Irish pub held a weekly contest for the best toast with a free pint to the winner. One evening Patty McDonald, known for boasting of great sexual escapades, raised his glass and said very loudly "May I spend the rest of my life between me sweet wife's legs."

To the cheers of everyone, Patty received his free pint. Later Patty staggered home and announced to Mrs. McDonald that he had won the weekly toasting contest.

"Oh," says Mrs. McDonald, "what was your toast?"

"May I spend the rest of my life in church beside me sweet wife", says Patty.

A few days later one of Patty's friends met Mrs. McDonald on the street and ask "Did Patty tell you that he won the toasting contest?"

"Yes, he did " says Mrs. McDonald, "but he has only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him by his ears to make him come".

[smearcase]

HK's story reminded me of this one somehow.

Lady and her husband (an usher at the church) went to church services and she sat in a pew and he sat in the usher's seating area.
During the sermon, she remembered that she had left a roast cooking in the oven and started worrying about overcooking the meat or even causing a fire.
So, she saw one of the other usher's go by her pew and she gave him a note to give to her husband. The usher misunderstood the instruction and gave to the preacher, who was in the middle of his sermon, a note saying:
"Go Home-- and shut off the gas!"

[SweetPea95]

I really like that one hahaha

[smearcase]

The young country bumpkin wanted to go to college and asked his old man if he could go to college and the old man said "NO--not til you know what's what".

So he went to town and got hooked up with one of the local working girls.
She went in the bathroom and came out naked and the bumkin stared for a while, pointed down and said -- "What's that?"
And she said - "What's what?"
He said - "Hell , if I knew what's what, I'd be in college."

[SweetPea95]

I'm so glad people are joining in. Because some one might be having a bad day and looking for a laugh. But we all need to laugh some time or another, especially when we watch the news and sees what happens in this world good or bad. We will always know there is still good humor :D
I know this ia cheesey but!.
What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?

[SweetPea95]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up... you're next!''

[SweetPea95]

Brother In Law fell down the wishing well... Huh I didn't know those things worked

[SweetPea95]

A blond came home from work late one night. Her husband was in bed with a beautiful redhead. The blond goes upstairs and finds her husband, furious she grabs a gun and points it to her head. The husband pleads and begs for her not to pull the trigger. Blond yells "SHUT UP! YOU'RE NEXT!"

[Emland]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working,"replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that, " Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but
Takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read
It.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just
brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman. "The circus?"

The duck asks again. With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. "What the f*$% would they want with a plasterer?? "

[SweetPea95]

Nice people :)

[smearcase]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of a Northern University. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their particular religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who had been wheeled in lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it,. circumcision may not have been the best way to start.