[Silver Lining]

M feeling very very low,, tomorrow is my daughter's 4th death anniversary... I donno whom to express this with... last time I mentioned this to my hubby, he said I'v to think about our other daughter now, and not remember death anniversary. I'v to remember only good things about her... I know its rite,, but what about how bad I feel that she died because of my fault? I feel I killed her. I should have been careful,, I wasn't,, I ignored the fact that she over slept,, I let her,, had I tried to wake her, I'd know she needed a doctor,, I still can't get over the loss, yet I have no shoulder to cry on,, no one wants me to cry over spilt milk,,

[J_9]

I am so sorry for your loss. The loss of a child is one of the worst pains any person should never have to endure.

Talking about your child can help.

How old was she?

[redhed35]

Silver lining, I have never met a parent who has 'got over' the death of their child, you just learn to live with the loss, you find ways to get through the anniversary, whether that is spending the day under the covers or listening to music or talking about your child,you just breathe through the day.

The 'what ifs' will always haunt you, you will always wonder, BUT, and know this, your love for your child did not end with her death and the 'what ifs' are from that love, but you can also celebrate her life and tell your other children about her and remember her as part of your family.

You feel sad, so feel it, don't bury those feelings, you may have lots to be happy about now but that does not mean you still don't feel sad about what could/should have been, your normal and those feelings are natural, your husband has just found a way of coping that suits him, grief is not a one size fits all.

J9 is correct, talking, keeping a journal, a scrapbook of your child can all help.

[J_9]

silver lining, I have never met a parent who has 'got over' the death of their child, you just learn to live with the loss, you find ways to get through the anniversary, whether that is spending the day under the covers or listening to music or talking about your child,you just breathe through the day.

The 'what ifs' will always haunt you, you will always wonder, BUT, and know this, your love for your child did not end with her death and the 'what ifs' are from that love, but you can also celebrate her life and tell your other children about her and remember her as part of your family.

You feel sad, so feel it, don't bury those feelings, you may have lots to be happy about now but that does not mean you still don't feel sad about what could/should have been, your normal and those feelings are natural, your husband has just found a way of coping that suits him, grief is not a one size fits all.

A million greenies to you!

You know about this first-hand. There is no one better for her to talk to than you!

[smearcase]

There is a Tom Jefferson quote that has helped us and I'll just briefly summarize it:
He told a friend who had suffered a misfortune that misfortunes will come our way and we can't stop them from coming our way but that we can make it worse by the way we react to them.
He puts a religious twist to it and I don't know if you have religious beliefs or not but he says that the reason that we can't avoid these "blows" is because they are beyond our control and that to continually question why it happened could be interpreted as a lack of faith.
We have done a lot of second guessing ourselves for over two years now. But even if we could go back and prevent what happened from happening, it doesn't mean that something else just as bad couldn't have cropped up instead or after.
I have a cousin who is a longtime psychiatrist and he calls us once in a while and his advice is always the same- Look forward, not back.
That is easier said than done but continually reviewing circumstances will just raise more questions for which there are no answers.

[janismhartman]

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter... but please remember, she will never be gone... she lives in your heart. She lives in your mind, in the wonderful memories that she gave to you, before she left.

Her death was a small, small part of who she IS. There is so, so much more to her, learning to laugh, laughing with you, learning to walk, walking with you... all of the things that you witnessed her do, and all of the things that you did together.

Think of these wonderful, wonderful things and don't focus on her death. SHE IS SO MUCH MORE THAN HER DEATH!

Hold her close in your mind and heart, and when the pain starts, because she is physically not with you, find a quiet place, and remember the beautiful times... they are still there, they still exist, and they are still in your heart and will be forever!

Be kind to yourself. Your daughter would want you to be as kind to yourself, as you wish you could be for her now.

Embrace her memory, all of the good stuff. And, when the reality of not having her here hits you, go back to the beautiful times. Imagine those times, imagine all of the love, and you will find yourself enjoying her memory again! Think of the good stuff, think of the good times, and image her happy and well, wherever she is now.

And, you WILL see her again. But, in the meantime, she is as close as your heart, and if your close your eyes, and dream of her, she will always be with you!

Bring those beautiful times back! Love her as you want to, and she will still feel it, and if you allow yourself to feel it, you will feel her love right back at you, and she will be with you constantly.

You can't go wrong with all of the love you feel! Allow hers and yours to surround you and embrace you! It is all still there, it's just different than it was before!

[Silver Lining]

Thanks all,

I am here because I don't know who I can talk too,, every time I talk about her, I cry, and hence no one lets me talk about her. She was just 6 months old when I lost her.

Who do I talk to?

[smearcase]

Maybe talk to a grief counselor, psychiatrist, or other professional.
The average person does not know what to say. They are very concerned that they will say something that will make it worse, so they change the subject sometimes-- and that is a good thing because they are trying to get you into the present and the future. It does nothing for the lost loved one to let it ruin your own life. It will probably never go away but occupying your mind with other interests and causes will put some order in your life and the toughest times will come less frequently.

[Silver Lining]

I tried talking to a counselor,,
She said it's time I concentrated on my family, my other child, rather than regret losing my 1st born,, she said, talking about the loss is good, it'l make me stronger, but if I get weak along the way, then I need to stop talking about it, and start thinking about how I make others feel with my depressed behavior,, I don't have depression, that is for sure she said, but I might get into one if I continued having the same state of mind.

One of my friends mentioned that her friend lost her twins. She gave birth to a baby girl a year later and adopted another girl a year after that. She said she doesn't feel bad for her loss. She lost 2 kids, but she gave a life to one orphan.

Will it help? Any idea?

I spoke to my husband about it. He said he supports any decision I take, but the problem is with his parents. They do any accept any other caste. (I hate that about them. But I can't change them,, ) he said his parents might not accept the baby adopted if it is of different caste. (they even look into sub-caste and were against our marriage-- diff sub-caste),, I know this is insane but they are old and believe a lot in all those nonsense.
What should I do? Do I take the risk?