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hair2007 · Mar 12, 2007, 08:06 AM

Hi, advice greatly appreciated. In a nut shell I'm 37, ex is 37 have been divorced 3 years, every 2 to 3 months he comes back to me with the crying and the can't see you with no one else he says he feels secure with me safe, blah blah blah. Yet when we are back seeing each other he does not take me around his mother, or his friends he says 1 of them don't like me and I ask why and he says its america he can dislike any 1, which makes me feeel like crap, because there is no reason, anyway he then told me he doesn't want marriage or kids, and he isn't sure about moving in together he says to take 1 day at atime he says he can get boared easy!! ( by the way in total we have been 2-gether 11 yrs). He says he doent want to have to ask or tell anyone when or if he can do anything, like go away on vacation, out, etc.. The other night I cooked dinner at my place, but after trying to fall asleep, he said he had to go home because he didn't like the sheets.? My ego gets so affected by this... he says he has a fair of being smothered... he lives with his mom and dad, does own his own place but will not live there or rent it out. He would like to just date me I guess but I'm finding it hard to be so casual wth him since I was married to him I know we can't predict the future but he has so many restrictions, don't understand why he comes back all the time with so many mixed messages... not sure if he makes or made me insecure or if I am. Sorry so long, am I suffocating him does he want to be with me I never have bothered him since our divorece, even if I wanted to, he doent care if I'm dating someone or not he comes around my work throws rocks at my bedroom window, its crazy and I always believe him then once again I'm never a priority in his life. By the way this is kind of why we divorced. Thanks for any advice...

manimuth · Mar 12, 2007, 08:20 AM

I think he using you. He is using you when he needs something familiar and someone to take care of him. But, he also keeps his options open so he doesn't have to commit. He is living it up while you are being used. Let him go. You are too old for this immature b.s. Do you have children with him? (no? Because he doesn't want kids?) If not, let him go. Move on with your life. Find out exactly what YOU want out of life and go for it. For a 37 y.o. man, he doesn't seem like he has grown up yet. He is still a child who wants to be taken care of. (living with his parents even though he doesn't have to is a red flag) If you want to spend your life taking care of a 37 y.o. child who can't commit to you or want to meet at least some of your needs, then keep him around. But, you are 37 y.o. You are old enough to know what you want and to live your own life to its fullest. Don't wast your life anymore. Move on and LIVE. Good luck.

Capuchin · Mar 12, 2007, 08:24 AM

I completely agree with manimuth, if you had not told me he was 37, I would guess he was 18 or something. He obviously doesn't love you for who you are, he just wants you there when he has nobody else there for him.

Go and find someone who really cares for you.

I believe you already know this in your heart.

hair2007 · Mar 12, 2007, 08:53 AM

Originally Posted by manimuth

I think he using you. He is using you when he needs something familiar and someone to take care of him. But, he also keeps his options open so he doesn't have to commit. He is living it up while you are being used. Let him go. You are too old for this immature b.s. Do you have children with him? (no? because he doesn't want kids?) If not, let him go. Move on with your life. Find out exactly what YOU want out of life and go for it. For a 37 y.o. man, he doesn't seem like he has grown up yet. He is still a child who wants to be taken care of. (living with his parents even though he doesn't have to is a red flag) If you want to spend your life taking care of a 37 y.o. child who can't commit to you or want to meet at least some of your needs, then keep him around. But, you are 37 y.o. You are old enough to know what you want and to live your own life to its fullest. Don't wast your life anymore. Move on and LIVE. Good luck.

He don't want kids, says he is sterile anyway, news to me, at this point in my life not sure now if I want them anyway, so that is the last thing that bothers me, but again another 1 of his restrictions, really pisses me off! I guess he does just want me there but wants to do what he wants also no matter what...

kay13 · Mar 12, 2007, 09:13 AM

Hi hair, been there, done that, got the T-shirt! I hung on for 10 years when my ex was saying he diidn't want me to be with anyone else. Guess what, he was waiting until he was ready to move on, and then it didn't matter about me.

Do what you want, forget him - before he drags you down there with him.

valinors_sorrow · Mar 12, 2007, 09:15 AM

The real question you might want to ask that would really pay handsomely to answer is why do you settle for being used like this? That is the part of all this that is your doing. He uses you but you let him, maybe even encourage him? If you don't get to the bottom of why you do, its just that easy to let the next one and the next one use you too.

lalalalaLAUREN · Mar 12, 2007, 09:51 AM

Originally Posted by hair2007

hi, advice greatly appreciated. in a nut shell im 37, ex is 37 have been divorced 3 years, every 2 to 3 months he comes back to me with the crying and the can't see u with no one else he says he feels secure with me safe, blah blah blah. yet when we r back seeing each other he does not take me around his mother, or his friends he says 1 of them dont like me and i ask why and he says its america he can dislike any 1, which makes me feeel like crap, because there is no reason, anyway he then told me he doesnt want marriage or kids, and he isnt sure about moving in together he says to take 1 day at atime he says he can get boared easy!!!( by the way in total we have been 2-gether 11 yrs). he says he doent want to have to ask or tell anyone when or if he can do anything, like go away on vacation, out, etc.. the other night i cooked dinner at my place, but after tring to fall asleep, he said he had to go home because he didnt like the sheets. ??? my ego gets so affected by this... he says he has a fair of being smothered... he lives with his mom and dad, does own his own place but will not live there or rent it out. he would like to just date me i guess but im finding it hard to b so casual wth him since i was married to him i know we can't predict the future but he has so many restrictions, dont understand why he comes back all the time with so many mixed messages...not sure if he makes or made me insecure or if i am. sorry so long, am i suffocating him does he want to b with me i never have bothered him since our divorece, even if i wanted to, he doent care if i m dating someone or not he comes around my work throws rocks at my bedroom window, its crazy and i always believe him then once again im never a priority in his life. by the way this is kind of why we divorced. thanx for any advice....

OK I think you should brake up. There are tons of people out there who would want to get married and have kids with you. And if he keeps making dumb excuses and won't move in , or even spend the night you really need to talk to him about this or brake up with him

hair2007 · Mar 12, 2007, 09:57 AM

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

The real question you might want to ask that would really pay handsomely to answer is why do you settle for being used like this? That is the part of all this that is your doing. He uses you but you let him, maybe even encourage him? If you don't get to the bottom of why you do, its just that easy to let the next one and the next one use you too.

Thanks for the advice, yeah, I guess I encourage him by being there when he does come around, but its not because I'm playing a game it because I do love him and always think "maybe hes serious this time" pethetic isn't it? Thanks again

hair2007 · Mar 12, 2007, 10:13 AM

Originally Posted by hair2007

thanx for the advice, yeah, i guess i encourage him by being there when he does come around, but its not because im playing a game it because i do love him and always think "maybe hes serious this time" pethetic isnt it? thanx again

By the way he also says he is commitment phobic... so I should have pity on him fear of commitment...

kay13 · Mar 12, 2007, 11:29 AM

I can't see what you like about him at all. Look at the road ahead and don't be tempted to take the path already walked - the scenery there is never going to change.

s_cianci · Mar 12, 2007, 06:04 PM

He obviously wants to do his own thing. Nothing wrong with that but certainly doesn't make for good marriage or relationship material. Remember, your marriage ended for a reason and if we take your post at face value it's quite obvious why. I wouldn't bank on very much coming of this, unless you're going to be satisfied with a pure casual relationship like he wants.

hair2007 · Mar 12, 2007, 06:27 PM

Originally Posted by s_cianci

He obviously wants to do his own thing. Nothing wrong with that but certainly doesn't make for good marriage or relationship material. Remember, your marriage ended for a reason and if we take your post at face value it's quite obvious why. I wouldn't bank on very much coming of this, unless you're going to be satisfied with a pure casual relationship like he wants.

Thanks, but also 1 more question... sorry... when your in a relationship am I wrong to think you should discuss when and where you would go on vacation etc, maybe I have somthered but also when I'm with someone they are always invited whether they come or not.. and as I get older my priorities change and I have been there done that and most times would rather be with my partner. Not that that makes me right and everyone should think like that, also doing separate stuff is healthy but not to a point wher it stops you from a relationship. Shouldn't it flow?? I don't know I'm so confused I can't even sleep... mayb I should just tell him forget this whole thing and if in the future we feel different and we are single still them mayb sorry to bend your ear thanks and god bless

JoeCanada76 · Mar 12, 2007, 06:31 PM

The question I have for you is why do you always take him back?

Your part of the problem. If you want to end the games and going back and forth. When it ends, this time you end it for good.

Joe

hair2007 · Mar 12, 2007, 06:41 PM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

The question I have for you is why do you always take him back?

Your part of the problem. If you want to end the games and going back and forth. When it ends, this time you end it for good.

Joe

Hi well I hate to admit this but obviously I do love the man I was married to him and it killed me to divorce but I always think when he comes crying to me that maybe he is serious this time which he says he is I usually end it with him because of being such a low priority in his world he also says he likes to keep me separate from his world now he don't like responsibility of needing to discuss things in his life with me I guesss. One of his friends does not want me around him and I swear there its not because of anything I did they can't give a reason and whenever all the couple are out together I'm exclude cause of this and it really hurts me and I tell him how can we fix things if you don't help on this he said it is to weird to bring us around each other I'm never first with him it makes me crazy... but you are right I am probably most of the prob, but only cause I wish when he cimes around which is every 3 months he has grown

ordinaryguy · Mar 12, 2007, 06:52 PM

He's a childish deadbeat, loser, user, lout, and layabout. He loves jerking you around and you keep telling yourself the lies that justify letting him do it.

Dump him and get a life.

Sorry to be so blunt and undiplomatic, but I don't feel creative enough right now to dress it up in nice clothes. I really do feel for you. I'm not unkind, just tired and uninspired.

hair2007 · Mar 12, 2007, 06:57 PM

Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

He's a childish deadbeat, loser, user, lout, and layabout. He loves jerking you around and you keep telling yourself the lies that justify letting him do it.

Dump him and get a life.

Sorry to be so blunt and undiplomatic, but I don't feel creative enough right now to dress it up in nice clothes. I really do feel for you. I'm not unkind, just tired and uninspired.

No problem you say it like you see it I am an idiot for loving and believing him I guess I guess if we both look at life 2-gether different no one is to blame... when he does come around crying he says that is how he feels when I'm not with him, then scares himself soooo saddd... for me and him thanks again

JoeCanada76 · Mar 12, 2007, 10:43 PM

Hair2007,

No one is saying that you are an idiot. I am just saying that you need to stop letting him come back because you are getting hurt each time. So many chanches, I think your ex ran out of them long time ago. It is time for you to nip this problem in the bud and stop letting him come back. It is over.

valinors_sorrow · Mar 13, 2007, 05:31 AM

Originally Posted by hair2007

thanx for the advice, yeah, i guess i encourage him by being there when he does come around, but its not because im playing a game it because i do love him and always think "maybe hes serious this time" pethetic isnt it? thanx again

You have a choice in this. To continue something you labeled pathetic or do something different, like something that takes care of you better. Just a thought.

talaniman · Mar 13, 2007, 09:09 AM

This is insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Please change this for your own good, and I bet without him in your life it will get so much better.

Wildcat21 · Mar 13, 2007, 09:40 AM

Why keep going back there? It was broke, and it''s STILL broke. Nothing changed.

AND he's not a commiment phobe - I don't think anyone is - just to you.

Move on. This guy isn't worth it. Your wasting time!!

You're always plan B in his life since before your divorce. No one should ever be plan B.

And he isn't a commitnment - he married you once.