Check out some similar questions!

Tallarin · Mar 11, 2007, 10:33 PM

Hello, me again...
Some of you are probably familiar with the heartache I have gone through over my former best friend walking out of my life. I know that all of you who participated said to let go and I have tried but because of the circumnstances I can't avoid her.

Things have gotten worse... we have always worked on design projects together and this time she told me she'd rather do it by herself because she felt that I was trying to take over the project (not true, I just want to learn more on how to do things)... although I'm still the one distributing the final files... whenever she can, she takes my name out of responses to group emails. On the last project, I was the first one she would ask for advice, now I don't exist.

Unfortunately, we are sort of working together still so sometimes I have to communicate with her. She won't answer my phone calls or emails BUT if I ask her something related to those phone calls or emails in person, she'll answer like nothing's wrong. At the activity we are participating in, she keeps mainly to herself, but she will be friendly to my husband and kids and other people.

What is making me really sad, depressed and confused is that she sent me written thank you notes for the presents I sent her and for the last one, not only did she thank me for the present but she wrote something very touching about our friendship...

If I hug her goodbye she'll return the hug, but she won't initiate one, like she always did before... Walking out of this activity is not an option for many reasons (like my husband and sons are participating in it with me and that makes it FUN).

I feel that I need to tell her how deeply she has hurt me (and please, don't tell me to "write a letter and not mail it") and how confused I am about her Jekyll and Hyde attitude, but I need to wait until the end of May, when the activity finishes to do so. In the meantime... what do I do? I can't understand how I went from "being the person that treated her the best" in her life, to "not exisisting" even though I've been assured "it's not personal", "I need to work on my marriage". I feel like a useless piece of trash.

I have been hurt by friends before, so I was very cautious getting close to this person, and now, once again, I'm thrown out with no explanation...

Part of me wishes someone else would tell her NOW how I feel, but alas... there's no one...

I can't believe how the loss of a friend can hurt so deeply... :(

Maricruz · Mar 12, 2007, 12:16 AM

I think you need to tell her now, not in May, how you feel. And I don't think a letter is the way to go, you need to do it in person. Or at least write the letter but hand it to her and tell her to read it. But remember, if she was a real friend, she wouldn't be treating you this way. People change and friendships evolve, I don't know your friend, but from what you have posted, she is being mean and cruel to you, even if she doesn't acknowledge it. If she's having trouble in her marriage, she might not be aware of anything else, even if in the surface she seems "normal"...

talaniman · Mar 12, 2007, 04:23 AM

Accept that she has changed, and confront the issues as they come up. Why make a big deal out of it when you can let her have her space as long as she respects yours.

Tallarin · Mar 12, 2007, 07:38 AM

Problem is, she's not respecting me. Not answering personal emails... cool... not answering team related emails or leaving me out of loops... not cool...
Telling me how much she values our friendship not more than a week ago and snapping at me when I'm trying to explain the dimensions on something are incorrect... not cool... I tolerate a lot of abuse but this is just too much.

talaniman · Mar 12, 2007, 07:57 AM

Then remove yourself from this situation.

Tallarin · Mar 12, 2007, 11:12 AM

I can't withouth hurting my husband and son's feelings, like I said, it's an activity we do together. And I can't walk away from the one project without an explanation to the organization either, it would cause a lot of turmoil because we both are key members of the volunteer team... and the questions would just fly... it's a pretty neat and tight knit group...

talaniman · Mar 12, 2007, 02:27 PM

Not if it wrecks this kind of havoc in your life!! She is not going to change and you know that. So you will either air the laundry, and break this tight knit group or leave and do the same thing. What a choice. If not you will be battling behind the scenes and what fun is that.

valinors_sorrow · Mar 12, 2007, 02:50 PM

I would simply tolerate what comes from her and let her see no reaction to it. Eventually you will have no reaction to it. You will have seen all that she is capable of... you can't keep being surprised or hurt now that you know how she is. Work around everything with grace. Interact with her as little as possible and preferably in public only. The friendship is over. Act accordingly but don't be run off by her ways. Hit the ignore button. If anyone asks, simple tell the brief truth - you two had an irrepairable falling out. Seek your connections with this group with other individuals and treat her with respectful distance.

Remind yourself often, if necessary, that YOU are the one who decides how much power she has over you.