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lrhall41 · Mar 11, 2007, 10:36 AM

She lives with us and has a 2 year old baby that we adore. My daughter recetly lost her job (she quit), spent all of her tax return money (2,500) in a weekend buying stuff she didn't need, her car is falling apart and just on Friday when my husband came home found a marijuana pipe in the patio and she was in her room with a guy that no one knows. We were so upset to the point that called the sheriff's office and wanted her arrested. Then we thoguht about it and realized that the sheriff's office might take the baby away because there are drugs in the house. We got scared and called them back and cancelled the report. My daughter now says that she is willing to go to rehab, which takes approximately 1 week, because is state sponsored and there is a waiting list. She also said that she was going to a strip-club to be a waitress, that way she could get money fast and move out of here.
I do not like that idea either and told her that she could go to get a normal job like the ones that she has had in the past, but she wants money now to move out. She willl leave the baby here while she makes money to be on her own, which I do not when that will be.
The last thing that we told her was that when we left for work every morning, she had to get out of the house and took her keys,s o she can not come back in and bring those undesirables with her. She can go to her friend's house (our neighbor) and I take the baby to the babysitter, like I have been doing for the last 2 years.
I want to add also, that we pay for everything for that baby, from food, clothes, diapers and sitter. The baby's father only gives $50 a week and he is a worst loser than my daughter.
I am very depressed with the whole situation and wouldlike some comments.
Thanks.

valinors_sorrow · Mar 11, 2007, 10:50 AM

I hear your sorrow and have some good and bad news for you to consider. The good news is you could probably get custody of the baby with some help from an attorney. And you may want to consider that. The bad news is while your daughter needs considerable help, she is an adult and forcing her to seek the help she really needs is tough to do. If you can persuade her to seek rehab, do it. If you can protect the baby from her, do it. And at the very least, you and your husband might want to meet with someone from Al-Anon or a drug counselor so you get more input about what you are up against and also what things are available at your local level. I am sorry there isn't more to offer you but you'll need to really employ some tough love and some get-to-whatever-solution-is-possible kind of efforts in this and it won't be easy. If your daughter wants to trash her life, she basically gets to and that it the hard rock you are up against-- especially if you live in the US, which is big on individual rights. I am so sorry.

tinsign · Mar 11, 2007, 11:12 AM

Seek legal custody of the child, as long as daughter stays in the treatment program and cleans up her act then I would allow her at certain times with supervision to see the child at the place agreed upon. If you seek and get full custody DO NOT LET your daughter take the child out of vision range or reach.
Also yes it is good she is ready to get help but to make sure she don't back out of it let her find out on her own what a hard cold world it can be out there. (so proud you did take the keys of house away)

lrhall41 · Mar 11, 2007, 12:31 PM

It is very hard and I know it is going to be harder. I am going to stand my ground and see if she goes to treatment like she said she was going to do. She might have just be talking the talk just to get me off her back. I will do whatever needs to be done to keep the baby even if I have to call Child PRotective Services, if she tries to take the baby from us. She knows that I will do it, if she forces me. She keeps saying that it is eveident that we care for our son (25, employed and going to school) and the baby than her. She is playing mind games with me and I won't let her.
Thanks for your replies, as they are exactly what I thought they would be.

lrhall41 · Mar 15, 2007, 07:29 PM

Well, its been 7 days since the "episode" with my daughter and she started working as a "waitress server" for a local stripclub. I am not too excited about it since she thinks that that is the only job that she can do. I am embarrassed for her because I know that she can do better as she has done in the past. Now with her working at a "stripper" club makes me very uncomfomfortable because I do not know how this is going to end up. I really hope that she doesn't like it and comes back to her senses and works a nornal job.
Still, I haven't given her her keys, so when she comes back at 3-4 in the morning I have to get up to open the door for her but I do not want to make it easier for her either.
I fear for her life and what could happen because she is not used to that lifestyle.

valinors_sorrow · Mar 16, 2007, 07:41 AM

In my acting out days, I did what she is doing (with strip clubs) and I eventually came to my senses. I am suggesting you have a kind of practical hope. Hope in the long run but practical about who you are dealing with in the meantime. You are right to take many precautions-- no keys, no access to money, no trusting with the child is wise at this point. Until she seeks treatment and lays down a track record of sober trustability, protect yourself in every way you can think of. Offer help but make it clear the bs gets checked at the door. If she chooses poorly, it is her choice and while you will have to respect her right to choose poorly, you also need to give consistent consequences to stuff too. That is what is meant by tough love. Seek support from outside sources, if necessary. This is tough stuff to deal with and I hear you really understanding the score, which is good. My condolences to your family.

lrhall41 · Mar 16, 2007, 04:10 PM

I really understand what you are telling me and I am trying to stick to my guns. But today she gave $250 to hold for her. She only kept $45 and I told her that she needed to start putting some of it in her bank account, which is overdrawn by over $300. She told me that she will put some money on Monday and hoped to have it cleared by next Friday. She still wants to buy a DVD player for the baby to put in my car. We had one until a couple of months ago, then it broke.
I am trying to be understanding and strong, but it is so painful!!
Thanks for your kind comments.

lrhall41 · Mar 16, 2007, 06:22 PM

New update on my daugther. Today after she gave me the money to hold, after 2 hours, she called me to tell me that she was not going to work tonight and to keep the baby up until she came home This would have been her 3rd night. I told her that she could come home and help with her baby. She did and was in good spirits. She asked me if if would be OK to go to the movies with a "friend". At first she wouldn't tell me, but then she said that it was the babysitter's son. She helped to put the baby in bed and changed to go to the movies. I am really glad that she didn't go to the club tonigt.
I hope that she realized that it is Friday and that it would be a waste of her time to be there (at the club) when she could be on a date with a nice guy (which he is).
I am probably all wrong with this theory, but I am certainly glad that she is home tonight :)

lrhall41 · Jul 16, 2007, 12:08 PM

Just wanted to post an update on my daughter. Since I wrote the last time (March) things stayed about the same and even worse. She would stay out until late and come home all wasted, etc. I started keeping a diary of all the things she had been doing just keep track, just in case. She got a job in June that lasted 3 weeks because "she didn't like it". She was doing collections and people were mean to her. She just quit like that. She didn't even give them the courtesy of the 2 week notice.
She kept going back and forth with the baby's daddy, while I stayed home watching the baby.
Well, fortunately someone anonymously called the Dept. of Children & Families and complained that she was neglecting the baby. Of course, the investigator showed up at my house when I was there and she wasn't. She had taken the baby to the baby's daddy for the day. I panicked when I saw the investigator, but after talking to her, and explaining my frustrations with my daughter and how concerned I was about her wasting her life, the investigator agreed with me and went to the other house to see the baby and talk to my daughter.
When she arrived there, she was greeted by the baby's father and grandfather, which were both very irrate because of the allegations of child neglect. Immediately they started being hostile towards her and they called me at home accusing me of calling the authorities. I told them that it wasn't me, and I was on my way over to their house.
When I arrived, the investigator was standing out on the street, because they wouldn't let her inside the house and they were very, very hostile. They didn't answer any questions or sign any papers. My daughter was mean and hostile towards her too. I invited the investigator to come back to my house and finish her report there.
That night when my daughter came home, she realized that she was about to lose her baby if she didn't straighten out and started acting like an adult.
The next morning she called the investigator and asked her to come back home to talk to her and agreed to take the drug tests. The investigator came talked to her and did the drug test, which turned out to be positive, and told her that at least she had voluntarily done the test and that had been more cooperative, and that would help her case.
Since then, (1 1/2 weeks ago) my daughter had stop going to the baby's daddy's house, hanging out with her bad friends and is actively looking for jobs. She had a hard 4-5 days while going through the detox stage, but has finally turned around and seems to be doing much better. Her personality has changed, and is a pleasant person.
She keeps talking about how close she came to losing her baby and that she didn't realize what she was doing, but that is willing to do anything to keep her.
The investigator recommended for her to enroll in an outpatient detox center, which we are waiting to hear from and who knows what other things she has to do, but she isn't complaining, and will do it for her daughter.
I wanted to thank all of you that replied and gave me your words of encouragement for her and even though I didn't have the strength to kick her out of the house, kept her there, but someone else did call and reported her. Thanks to that person too!!

lrhall41 · Dec 10, 2007, 06:17 PM

It is December, and felt that I owed you guys an Update. My daughter has been "Clean & Sober" since July 5 when she was threatened (by Dept. of Children & Families) to have her baby taken away from her if she didn't clean up her act. Well, I am so proud of her because she is going to her meetings (twice a week- plus she has not car)... I take her. She has a fulltime job, and part of her outpatient treatment is getting random drug tests. She has passed them all and enjoys going to her meetings. It is like her support group. She is trying really hard to be a good mom, and goes out on weekends, but comes home every time and doesn't leave until the baby is in bed.
She has saved up enough money to buy the baby's Christmas gifts and is planning gifts for the rest of the family.
Thanks guys so sticking around and listening to me.