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dntsay · Oct 10, 2012, 07:47 PM

My cousin and I first met each other at my sister wedding. We never grew up with each other and never met until the day of the wedding when her brother found my dad (my dad and their dad are brothers) after being gone for so long. Now at first I did not have any feelings for her until we exchanged numbers one day to get the kids together to go camping. Well that weekend we were instantly attracted to each other and from then on we texted each other non stop. We started dating, without our families knowing of course.

As we were dating she told me that I need to start being my own man, I am 26 and she is a 30 year old single mother. She told me that I need to not tell my folks where I am going or what I'm doing and that they should trust me in what I do. Well I have done that to the fullest. We have told each other that we love each other and that we are in love with each other.

Now my question is and concern is that I have told her that I am willing to fight for her and this relation ship because it is going to be our lives together no one else's. She goes around and tells me that nothing in life is guaranteed and that if her mom does not approve then I have to be OK with that (her mom supports her financially) and move on.

IS this correct of her to say? Is she really committed to us even though she has told me to my face that she is 100% committed to me and only me because she loves me?

talaniman · Oct 10, 2012, 08:03 PM

Does your culture allow first cousins to date? To marry? I am not sold on the idea that YOU have to be a man and keep a secret but she is supported by her mom (your aunt?), and needs permission. I think you got in this thing without the knowledge or experience to handle it, and are being manipulated.

decarlo123 · Oct 10, 2012, 08:26 PM

Yes I agree, theirs a lot of people in this world she's a little to close to your blood line. An she's also contradicting herself a lot. Real men don't have to keep secrets. Anything you have to hide has to be wrong.

teacherjenn4 · Oct 10, 2012, 08:46 PM

Are you in a country that supports a relationship between first cousins?Sounds like she wants someone to support her financially. Are you willing to lose your family over this? Do you want children of your own?

Fr_Chuck · Oct 10, 2012, 09:48 PM

Some places in thee US allow first counsins to marry but it is not normally accepted in the US culture. Where do you live ?
Also she is not really committed, true love would be together no matter what, she is saying only if mom says OK, well ask mom and get it over with, if she will not without mom, she really has made her choice.

Enigma1999 · Oct 10, 2012, 09:51 PM

I am willing to bet that nobody in your family will be OK with this. Second cousins? M a y b e... Still a fine line. First? No.

You should move on... Spare yourself the heartache. She may be attractive or attracted to you, but she is blood related. I can see where you are coming from, after all, you never met her before, so it was almost like meeting a complete stranger for the first time. Again though, she is blood.

Have you two made love yet?

J_9 · Oct 10, 2012, 09:59 PM

She sounds like a very controlling manipulative woman. Why does MOMMY still support her? Why isn't she self supportive at 30 years of age?

First cousins, manipulative, controlling, still supported by mommy, secretive... all of it screams deal breaker.

dntsay · Oct 10, 2012, 10:04 PM

@talaniman well I live in the US.its not really keeping a secret she was referring to but I shouldn't tell my parents everything such as where I am going and what I'm doing.I still live at home with my parents by the way. @decarlo I thought so to that she was contradicting her self. @teacherjenn4 I live in the US. Does it sound that she wants someone to support her financially she has told me that she loves me for me and that materalistics does not matter to her.Not willing to loose my family over this.im OK with not having children of my own I have come to term with that.but I have also read that it is possible to have children together just got to go to a genetics counsler.

J_9 · Oct 10, 2012, 10:06 PM

It seems you have your mind made up?

dntsay · Oct 10, 2012, 10:13 PM

@ Fr_Chuck I live in CA so she is not really fully committed?even thought she says that she is with me.
@Enigma1999 yeah we never met. And my folks have told me that all they want for me is to be happy in life with a girl that will make me happy.and yes to answer your last question we have.
J_9 her mom still supports her because she is a single mother going through gradschool to become a chiropracter just like her mom.so I feel that she feels that she is indebted to her.right?

Fr_Chuck · Oct 10, 2012, 10:16 PM

Yes, if mom stopped paying the bills now, she would not continue in school.

This relationship will not be accepted by almost anyone in the US. It is considered tabboo and against most normal social morals

So expect almost anyone that hears about it, to not agree to it in the US.

dntsay · Oct 10, 2012, 10:19 PM

Well she is almost done with school in dec. well I think if you go out announcing it to everyone then yes it will not be accepted.

Enigma1999 · Oct 10, 2012, 10:22 PM

Originally Posted by dntsay

well she is almost done with school in dec. well i think if you go out announcing it to everyone then yes it will not be accepted.

The reason I asked if you two had been together, is because it probably would have been easier to walk away if you hadn't.

What are her plans after graduation? Were you two going to get a place together?

dntsay · Oct 10, 2012, 10:24 PM

Oh OK. After she graduates she wants to spend more time with her daughter and just relax after going to school for 9 years. I agree she should relax. No we are not going to get a place together.

Enigma1999 · Oct 10, 2012, 10:40 PM

Originally Posted by dntsay

oh ok. after she graduates she wants to spend more time with her daughter and just relax after going to school for 9 years. i agree she should relax. no we are not going to get a place together.

If you two did continue to date, what would she tell her daughter? Would she ever tell her the truth about you being her cousin?

Are you certain that you don't want your own children some day? You may think that now, but you never know...

It seems as if she is calling all the shots, and you are eating out of the palm of her hand.

Just play it safe. With any girl for that matter.

She may really have strong feelings for you, but she is also controlling the situation the way she wants it. You either have to go with the flow or move on, is basically what she's saying.

Does that make sense?

dntsay · Oct 10, 2012, 10:46 PM

Yeah she has told me that as we continue to date and grow together that she would tell her daughter the truth that's what we talked about. You know when we first started dating I was hesitant about that and I was telling her that I at least wanted to try to have one with her.and that we would go to a doctor to check our genetics. Yeah I have put a stop to some things and I have told her that she has to relinquesh some of those roles to me and to let me handle some of those things.she does have really strong feeling for me and has looked into my eyes and has told me "i love you and only you and i am 100percent committed to you no matter what." so is she lying to me when she says that?

Enigma1999 · Oct 10, 2012, 10:58 PM

Honestly, it's hard to say...

Let me put it to you this way, I once had a man look me in the eyes while making love telling me how "he loves me", then ended up he was a player. How many others has he said that too? See my point?

Now, I am not saying she is a liar, or using you or that her words to you aren't true, but lets face it, she is a single mother, living with her mother in her 30's... meaning, she may be feeling vulnerable. Also she may be searching for a physical as well as mental connection. Here you come along and BOOM, here is a guy who is giving her attention, accepts her along with her baggage, so why not? You are willing to do what it takes to be with her and she sees that. Maybe she wants you when it's convenient for her. She feels subservient as well as obligated to her mother. After all, mother has supported her through all of this. Now she needs to indulge mother, that's why she made that statement to you regarding her mother.

But what if mother doesn't approve? Will her love for you fade so quickly? If she expects you to be your own man, then she should follow her own advice.

After all... isn't that what true love is about? Accepting a person and loves regardless what others may think?

J_9 · Oct 10, 2012, 11:04 PM

I would like to add that I am not current on matrimonial laws, but it used to be that a marriage between first cousins wouldn't be recognized in certain States.

dntsay · Oct 10, 2012, 11:08 PM

Well she lives in her own apt with her daughter. Her mother just sends her money whenever she needs it. We get along and are very compatible to each other. That's what struck us as an eye opener. On how much we get along and how we both want the same things in life and in a partner.And I agree with you with that last statement.if she really loves me will her love quickly fade for me just like that. She told me that her own mother has told her to find someone who makes you happy in life and will be there.And I have asked her have I not been there for you and do I not make you happy ?her reply is yes you have and you do. You make me SO happy!

I may also add that she has said that just love itself you can't get through in life.you need other things as well to have a stable life(compassion,appreciation,honesty,trust)for one another.all of the other things will come.

Enigma1999 · Oct 10, 2012, 11:20 PM

Originally Posted by J_9

I would like to add that I am not current on matrimonial laws, but it used to be that a marriage between first cousins wouldn't be recognized in certain States.

Yes that is correct. I believe North Carolina does accept first cousin marriages. He lives in California, where I believe it is considered a class C felony. I could be mistaken though, and if I am, sorry.

Something tells me that he won't care what the stipulations are, he is clearly infatuated with her, so what ever the legalities are... he won't care.

But yes, J, you are correct.

Originally Posted by dntsay

i may also add that she has said that just love itself you can't get through in life.you need other things aswell to have a stable life(compassion,appreciation,honesty,trust)for one another.all of the other things will come.

I can understand that.

It seems that you are completely certain that this is what you want. I am a little unsure as to why you posted in the first place. Was it for permission? Do you feel guilty about this? Your heart seems to know what it wants, no?