[Chevj33p]

My boyfriend committed second degree strangulation when he strangled me last year. I went to the cops the day after (stupid I know, should have called the cops when it happened) We agreed after it happened that he needed counseling... he put off doing it due to lack of funds. Due to this incident we had to go to court where they mandated counseling for wellness as well as anger management. His counselor has been seeing him once every 2 weeks give or take for the last 5 months or so and now, due to a busy schedule, has knocked it down to once a month.

I told my boyfriend I was not happy with this as I don't believe counseling once a month to cover his wellness and management would be effective given it's only a 45 minute session. I said I would like him to go to a counselor once a week. He went off in a rage saying that he would not be told he needs to go to a counselor once a week and will only put in minimal effort and do what the court made him and that if I have an issue to take it up with the court. He then also went on to say that I was minimizing th effort and the results of the last five months of work which I never mentioned. He has issues other than anger management. He went on to say I was using this as a reason to try to break up with him... which I never even mentioned anything about breaking up.

I guess I don't understand why, after what he did, he thinks it's OK to go to a therapist once a month and that is enough 'punishment' for what he did? I just don't get it.

I should also add when the cops questioned him, he didn't even man up to it, he said we bumped into each other fell and then when he fell on top of me his hands 'accidentally' end up around my neck enough to make marks. Lied through his teeth.

[LadySam]

What I don't understand is why you are still with him?
I mean, he actually put his hands around your throat and gave it a good squeeze right?

[odinn7]

He tried to strangle you... you should not even consider being with him. You think counseling is going to be enough for someone that would do something like this? And now, with his lack of caring if he gets counseling or not, if you didn't leave before, this is a good reason to do so.

Me? I wouldn't be with anyone that put their hands on me like that.

[joypulv]

He's a man with the inability to control himself and then has to lie about it.
You are a woman who thinks she gets to decide how much counseling he has to have, rather than the courts - and gives him no credit for his efforts so far. I don't know what kind of rage he went off on, but I would have been mighty PO'd myself.
I think he's bad for you and you bad for him.

[Chevj33p]

QUOTE by joypulv;
He's a man with the inability to control himself and then has to lie about it.
You are a woman who thinks she gets to decide how much counseling he has to have, rather than the courts - and gives him no credit for his efforts so far. I don't know what kind of rage he went off on, but I would have been mighty PO'd myself.
I think he's bad for you and you bad for him.

Thanks for your reply... no the courts want him to go 1x per week, but his counselor can't fit him in... and over and above that, he and I discussed him going to counseling before the courts stepped in and now he is dissing out on that discussion and promise

What I don't understand is why you are still with him?
I mean, he actually put his hands around your throat and gave it a good squeeze right?

More than a good squeeze, I almost blacked out and in addition, I have been very supportive of his counseling and the strides he's made so far, he just conveniently forgets about that support when he's mad

[Wondergirl]

After some anger management help (plus he has other issues?) and he still can go into a rage, I'd back off and get busy elsewhere until he can demonstrate he has turned over a new leaf.

[odinn7]

He sounds like an incredible loser really... the counseling and all and he still gets mad like that?

My sister went through an abusive relationship. She stayed with the guy because he kept saying he was sorry and that he loved her. He never got better or changed. He almost killed her one night when he had her on the floor in the bathroom and slammed her head against the toilet... breaking the toilet with her head.

[Chevj33p]

He sounds like an incredible loser really...the counseling and all and he still gets mad like that?

My sister went through an abusive relationship. She stayed with the guy because he kept saying he was sorry and that he loved her. He never got better or changed. He almost killed her one night when he had her on the floor in the bathroom and slammed her head against the toilet....breaking the toilet with her head.

I guess that's part of my point, he has only been in counseling for about 5 months every 2 weeks give or take and now the therapist is too busy to get him in for more than once a month. And with the small strides he's made (and he has made some strides) he's still not nearly where he needs to be so how can one session per month do anything for him? The original suggestion from the court was to get him in 1x per week, the counselor could only get him in twice a month, when we went back to court to check in, they heard this and advised that he get in 1x per week but the counselor still couldn't get him in that often. We go to court again in 2 weeks to check in and we will see what they say. I am suggesting that he see a counselor outside of court more often as a personal request (request, not demand) because he needs it, he has deep rooted issues that counseling once a month won't fix.

[joypulv]

(I amend my response to be more in line with others.)

[Fr_Chuck]

You are blind and to be honest stupid. You told him to get more counseling and he went into a rage, proof that he still has serious anger management issues.

Next time when you are in the ER with serious issues or even dead perhaps.

You leave him, he is not wanting to get help, he is telling you what you want to hear enough to keep you.

You either must like to fight withhim ( perhaps part of his issues,) or like being abused.

Any harm to you after this, is all your fault for not leaving him.

[LadySam]

More than a good squeeze, I almost blacked out

So noted, "good squeeze" is mild in comparison to almost blacking out.
Again, why stay with him? He obviousely has a problem that he needs to deal with.
I've been in a couple of abusive relationships, wrestling a pistol out of your face is no fun.
Having your head slammed into coffe table is no fun. By the way, both of these incidents at the hands of the same person and the "promise" (lie) of getting help.
You would be well advised to get out of this relationship and let him deal with his own issues.
Kudos for "standing by your man" but at what risk? Your safety? Perhaps even your life?
Not worth it.

[talaniman]

Look he may be doing all this to satisfy the courts, but you can't make him do more than he is doing.

You can leave and let him deal with his issues, but maybe you need to get some help with your issues too. I mean lets be honest, a female who stays with a guy who chokes her has some issues to deal with herself.

[amicon]

His behaviour is not acceptable.

Leave him,this is serious abuse and he won't change.

Time to take care of you and get counseling.

[Chevj33p]

Thank you all for your responses, I am in counseling as I know that being with him is not healthy.