[Oka ammayi]

If he does something nice for me now and talk trash about it later that breaks my trust... and when I said how cn I trust you he says.. don't ask me questionss. He is yelling and outraged when I ask question... I donnow I can't accept the offer... it was my request for my friends wedding before we had a fight... now I donnow if io should take it thinking that I am benifitted... ( that sounds lke I am using him which I don't want to)... if I don't its again pushing things more rough... and then if I accept ( its like I am giving up... donnow if this will come up in a bad way later)... if I ask question to be in clear terms... I am not being sweet and nice which is spoiling the situation right now,, what the heck...

[Wondergirl]

What are the three most worrisome problems in your marriage? Don't write a book; just make a list -- 1, 2, 3.

[Oka ammayi]

My problems are..

1: spending time is such an important issue time in the sense to connect.. is missing

2: I am too scarethat I will end up being someone who I don't want to... I ask for help.. I don't get it.. and when I raise an issue.. people are ready to accept me only if I do something... when I did and if it is not noticed it goes back problem 1

3: I am lazy too and I need help to rejeuvate myself... I need a person who can help me to get back on tracks.. andi do the same its and issue...

I was making an attempt to talk to my husband.. and it went well not as expected.. I suggesed I have an issue A u help me to get through this
U have an issue called B I shall help you to get through that

Lets track it everyday.. lets start it form now.. his response was I donnow if I can reverse the damage.. I don't think I want to do that... that's my issue if di d that in first place... I donnow I would be I na different place now...
Doing the same thing when a stranger that wedont know in form a of a marriage therapist or a doctor or a relative... if that is going to impact then what was all I was trying to do...

[Wondergirl]

my problems are ..

1: spending time is such an important issue time in the sense to connect ..is missing

2: i am too scarethat i wil end up being someone who i dont want to...i ask for help .. i dont get it.. and when i raise an issue .. people are ready to accept me only if i do something.... when i did and if it is not noticed it goes back problem 1

3: i am lazy too and i need help to rejeuvate my self....i need a person who can help me to get back on tracks.. andi do the same its n issue ...

1. Have two dates a week.
2. Don't be whiny and weak. Think about what to do and do it without asking for help.
3. For getting up in the morning, buy an alarm clock. You know you are lazy, so find objects and solutions to help you not be lazy.

[Oka ammayi]

What if I have two dates.. and he doesent remember to turn up...

And then I don't have my parents to understand me and go back...

May be I am being whiny and weak... what else would someone become.. when they face this from their basic loved ones...

Alarm clock I admit its my problem may be that the thing I will staill take upon me that it was my mistake.. and is still


I am saying what if.. because I already faced this even know after all fight I said give me 3 goals and I shall give you some lets check on each other for 5 minutes a day... and my husbands respons was I donnow if I want to do that..
He said he wants someone who will do things blindly...
Now I am totally out of my courage and emotinal energy to start this... the very first point is a no...

[Wondergirl]

Don't you live together?

Stop involving your parents and other family in your marriage.

Stop talking and DO things.

[Oka ammayi]

OK makes sense to me... stop involving my parents.. I will start doing things.. I have been getting up early since 3 days... even before someon told me to do so... who will check back who will identify... is it wrong on my part to at least look for that person... I am not saying anything without doing things...

[Wondergirl]

If you change, HE will change in reaction to you. Stop talking to him about your feelings and what is wrong and what you two could do. He wants concrete evidence, so DO things, like get up in the morning and don't slop around. What other things can you DO? (Men like action, not talk.)

[Oka ammayi]

Hahaha.. even women like the action.. they just talk in addition to it.. at least me... just talk was not doing anything for me too... I am not whiny and weak.. if I leav behind him he just one day pops out saying::" i dont like my life i hate all this .. i hatre my mom for taking too much care of me..... he expressed he wasnts to build some muscle and he borught some protien stuff .. he forgot to drink it.. he drank for 3 days and that powder is der... when he is back from office i offered him that.. then h said.. he will dink later or avoided it with a smile or drank for once and threw in flush....and suddenly somedays he starte saying u dont give me coffe u just take decisions from my side.....why r u traeting me liek kids .. i will have coffe.. a.d after a week he sees a guy with built .. all i get hear is him being silent and not telling me what happend .. and blaming himself that he dint do anything toget muscle and blaming me that i dont take care of him....and when i dont all i got was
" you don't love me blindly you don't do things that everyone else does.. u don't believe in god as other girls do... so I don't love u.. I never loved you I was blinded... ""

I want to focus on me.. in peace... atleast I desrve that.. I am hoping for support.. fighting to desrve that.. damn...
Not begging on it... I am sad to leave him behind and do stuff for myself.. we have been great being lazy and stupid.. but upgrade is not being noticed only being blamed on each other...

[Wondergirl]

What can you do to be a better person and happier inside yourself?

Are your family and his Indian?

[Oka ammayi]

Yes absolutely.. indian.. his and mine too..

I want to start doing things that were mentioned handling my life.. but I am spending all my energy in facing things from everyone instaead of support... I donnow if I give birth to a child with physical or any kind of challenge... what is evryone that I claim to be family will do.. if I had to to do it alone then what's the point of being connected to someone.. what's the point in being married to someone.. .

I want to see a hope as I do in them.. I am typing till my hands hurt only to not to give up on them and not to judge on them.. so that I can ward off world judging my people at least...
For that I designed a strategy that if they know whtas going on.. and what is the impact may be they will change.. like what doctors do... observe understand... may be I am fihiting something big... being indian and a backdrop of it is a such a load on me for all this,, because its considered to be normal in there.. I told you already...
I want t o stop it before it bcomes a pressure... on me and on my life and mostly as I envision my future my kids...

I want my kids to grow up being some one to hold some one hand in need and take it up.. instaed of saying they are busy or occupied... and considering its OK being like that...

[Wondergirl]

First, YOU have to be strong and be able to care for yourself. Do you work at a job outside the home?

[Oka ammayi]

My husband always says.. and said even now, I don't believe in god or some power... when you took some time and effort in helping me through why should not I respect to a level of my beliefs... that does no way mean I am disrespecting god... right now you are god to me.. I am not being poetic or klunatic or romantic about it... why is this simple point is not valid...

Why does my parents don't take time or interest in knowing at least what happened to me...
... and at least without knowing why how can I leave them or judge them.. or let someone else judge them.. why should I do that... why is that I want to slap the whole world for judging my parents and not trying to let them know what they did wrong.. so that they could rectify it and everything from there wuold be a fairytale but .and still claim friends to them... and cheat them.

Being consumed by life is a threat for real devolopment... it as simple as that why is it so tough for me to prove this... as you said they need action may be they will learn only when I destroy... and blow up like a car in jamesbond movie then may be then they will notice...

[Wondergirl]

You talk too much. Keep your thoughts to yourself.

Do you have a job?

[Oka ammayi]

No I don't work outside home... I chose to be at home to at least understand this... I don't regret it too... cause I have had a lot of pity for beiing home... may be I told you when I was a child I faced timelessness for me from my parents.. and I see my husband from borading school and he had been in hostel all his life.. so I wanted be someone where home means something //// instaed of being busy and showy... I don't mean it towards anyone else... but its my life experience...

[Wondergirl]

Is it acceptable if you get a job, maybe part time?

[Oka ammayi]

Woa.. that was rude may be... I talk... picking up points was not proving to be working for me so I am explanative and exapmling... its all to make it clear...
I am a homemaker.. it's a job for me... and working for money is a hobby...

Yes it is acceptiable... part time is I am looking for too... but my visa doesent allow me to work

[Wondergirl]

What do you do all day as a homemaker? (Keep this simple. Do not write many paragraphs.)

I am retired from library work and used to be in charge of 25 volunteers who did many things at the library. Check with your library and ask about a volunteer job. That should be agreeable for your visa. (I had a volunteer named Padma with the same problem as you with a visa.)

[Oka ammayi]

I cook breakfast.. make lunch and set for pack for him.. claen up.. talk to everyone and update documents.. pay bills... take ime for myself.. . not from a month cause we are fighting.. or else we would go for a game together I make preparations for them.. make dinner play a sport.. shop around for stuff.. spread word for animal conservation... participate in activities in my community.. I pick myself up when ever I am down... I stay in touch.. I plan trips...

Yup... I was desperate for that I don't have car he takes it and I don't a bus to go around to library... its far.. I don't have a commute
... to be neutral he says he would drop me... he says why don't u strt that I will help you gte the.. and c'mon he cancles doctors appointment because he is busy so its upsetting again ant not dependable... its been 2 years we had a lunch together so libraray is a far idea...

I am planning to run... for a trget for a week.. lets see.. how it goes.. all I can really say is thanq for your effort and time I respect every word of u.. but my paragraphs are what they are so you being specific was helping me to keep it simple.. . I hope I can find someone like this even when I don't have a computer and internet... that is my final target... I am just trying to explain you what is it like with me here.. that is what I am facing.. .

[talaniman]

Is this an arranged marriage? How old are you both, and how long have you known each other?