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shazamataz · Aug 21, 2012, 11:28 AM

I have a male friend who has always been 'clingy' to me and told me he liked me even when I was still engaged (now separated). I told him obviously nothing was going to happen, I love(d) my partner. After he proceeded to grab my breasts in front of said fiancé at a party I told him to back off.

After my fiancé and I separated he messaged me quite a bit, just friendly conversation, helping me sort things out in my head, I thought my warning had worked.

The minute... No, the second I admitted I was over my ex the inappropriate comments and actions started again. I can't hang out with our mutual friends if he is going to be there because it makes the whole group uncomfortable. We sit on the couch to watch a movie and I always make sure I'm in between 2 other friends... But the second they get up he jumps in the seat and is all over me.

It doesn't matter how many times I tell him to PLEASE dial it back, we are just friends, nothing more, he doesn't stop. I can't avoid him completely as it means losing an entire group of friends.

A bit of backstory on him. He is for lack of a better word, a complete pervert. Slaps people on the butt all the time, send me messages asking for kisses... He even asked me (seriously) to come round and give him a BJ one time. He also is on the sex offender register for an act he committed 6 years ago on a minor.

He's 24 and a virgin... And everyone knows why... He's clingy and desperate and just pushes too much. He also has some serious issues with depression and jealousy.
I visited a (female) friends house and another one of our (male) friends dropped around too. The guy friend did that Facebook thing where you tag people at a place with the 3 of us. A minute later I got a text from him asking if I was "having fun with 'male friend'".

I really don't know what to do.
Asking him to stop does nothing.
He just says "Ok" and then the next day he's back at it again. He even changed his relationship status on FB, he says as a joke, but he wanted people to think we were dating because it would be "funny".

Sorry for the novel, I'm just at a loss, I've never had to deal with this before.

dontknownuthin · Aug 21, 2012, 11:44 AM

This isn't a friend, I'm sorry to say. The way to stop the problem is to stop having him in your life. If he's around with your other friends, create some distance.

If you want to try once more before you unfriend the guy, I'd be very direct and not make any jokes about the situation nor tolerate any from him. Don't accept an apology or excuses or explanations just to make things comfortable. If he apologizes just say, "it can't happen again. I don't want to hear anything about it, just stop doing it."

Be specific, "Joe, I am never going to date you and am never going to have sex with you and am never going to kiss you. If you speak to me again in a sexual way, if you touch me, if you make vulgar remarks to or about me, if you make sexual gestures or otherwise treat me in a sexual manner ever again, our friendsdhip will be immediately over without further discussion."

C0bra_M3nace · Aug 21, 2012, 11:52 AM

Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

"Joe, I am never going to date you and am never going to have sex with you and am never going to kiss you. If you speak to me again in a sexual way, if you touch me, if you make vulgar remarks to or about me, if you make sexual gestures or otherwise treat me in a sexual manner ever again, our friendsdhip will be immediately over without further discussion."

Don't be afraid to throw in a "I'll have a restraining order put against you" in there as well. That might also be a route worth taking. Don't take this kind of crap, stand up for yourself!

shazamataz · Aug 21, 2012, 12:18 PM

Thanks guys. I have a problem with confrontation, I should mention that. I have outright told him to stop and that I'm not interested but perhaps I haven't been blunt enough. I'm a pretty shy person in real life and struggle to convey my emotions.

I still don't think it will work though in the end, or if it does he will end up having one of his 'episodes' where he spends days doing nothing but posting depressing things on Facebook.

He has helped me out a lot through my break-up (whether his motives were virtuous or not remains to be seen) so I don't want to hurt him, but at the same time it would be nice to hang out with my friends without being in constant fear of him doing something.

I don't want to have to go as far as a restraining order but the checking up on me when visiting friends was more than a little creepy. I have only known him maybe 6 months.

Fr_Chuck · Aug 21, 2012, 12:29 PM

You are going to have to be rude and blunt, You are going to have to tell him and perhaps in front of the other friends that if he does not stop you will have to stop having any contact withhim. Start telling your friends that if he is there you will no longer be coming over

shazamataz · Aug 21, 2012, 12:32 PM

A couple of them know the situation and know that I won't go somewhere intimate like a friends house if he is going to be there anymore. We are all meeting up for a barbecue on Saturday at the park so I may have to psych myself up and do it then.

It's stressing me out just thinking about having the conversation, when I shouldn't need to have it in the first place!

C0bra_M3nace · Aug 22, 2012, 03:44 AM

Originally Posted by shazamataz

A couple of them know the situation and know that I won't go somewhere intimate like a friends house if he is going to be there anymore. We are all meeting up for a barbecue on Saturday at the park so I may have to psych myself up and do it then.

It's stressing me out just thinking about having the conversation, when I shouldn't need to have it in the first place!

The way some people act can be a mystery to us all. Trust me, you'll feel much better after you've confronted him. Your friends know what's going on, so maybe they'll back you up on it as well.