[JennaVanloon]

Obviously, this isn't a new subject. And unfortunately I don't think it'll ever go away. So here's my story, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I'm almost 22.. I have a little boy who will be 5 this summer. I'm planning on getting married in May of 08. My soon to be husband would like to adopt my son, who he has been raising for the last year. My son's dad and I were off and on until he was about 2. Then I left, the situation was bad, drugs and alcohol were involved and I wasn't happy. He went to jail for 6 months and ever since he has made no effort to try and be a part of his son's life. I filed for child support on the advice of my parents, and to obtain Child care assistance so I could continue my education. Come to find out, when I had to update my child care and needed proof that I had a court ordered child support case open to keep my child care, the man that was supposed to court order it, NEVER did and was fired. No at the child support office felt the need to contact me and make me aware that no further action on my case would be taken. (Partly my fault, I should have followed up) But I didn't and I was just another case that slipped through. So now almost 3 years later, I have a court date on April 11th for child support. I have talked to him, he did say he would be there. But now my anxiety is about to make me sick. As it gets closer, I am freaking out. I don't want him, to 3 years later have access to a child he hasn't given crap about, hasn't made any effort to contact me, hasn't paid me anything accept maybe a total of 500 bucks for day care here and there, and that is only because he's mom and grandma were harassing him to do it because I wasn't letting my son go over to their house anymore. Which I'm still not doing. I've come to a point where I want him to sign over his rights, and I won't ask for any money, just to see him walk away for good. I don't want him to decided 5 years from now, that he wants to finally wants to play daddy, when Drake has a dad. One that loves him just as if he was his own. I can't have him disrupting a life I've worked so hard to have for my family. What do I do? Do we go to court, do I asked for sole custody, do I make them pull up his felons and tell them all the stories I have about my song found a weed pipe in his drive way and handing it to me. DO I Fight him tooth and nail for every dime he has and HOPE one day he doesn't decided he's going to come in and trash everything I've worked so hard for. Or do I ask him to sign over his rights and not expect a dime for him. I feel like either way I'm damned. When my son is 18 is he going to look at me and say, "Why the hell did you let than man in my life" or "Why the hell wasn't he allowed to see me?" I'm stuck.. and sick...

[jonjons1girl]

If you feel like he would mess things up in your life and your husband/boyfriend loves your son, forget the money! Just get him to give his rights up! He would only be able to cause trouble for you and the family anyway. If he has to pay child support he will go for rights to see him, or the court might appoint that anyway. And when your child asks you later in life why, he will understand. Just tell him the truth about the bad things that his father did and also remind him that he has a dad that loves him and always will. Oh and don't forget to remind the child when you do discuss this that it wasn't his fault in any way.

[JennaVanloon]

Thanks, trust me, any advice at this point is appreciated!

[airbats-goku]

He sounds like the type of guy who would sign his rights over. Are his grandparents positive people or are they rather unsavoury? If they are interested in being involved with their grandson, then go with them to take him to a public place like the local park or chucky cheese. But BE WITH THEM. This may resolve any potential issues with your son wondering why dad wasn't around. If dad's family was there it might be easer for him to understand.

As to the step-dad, right on!

[vlee]

If he is willing to sign his rights away it will make your life much easier. If he is a deadbeat dad and does drugs and spends time in jail he isn't the best influence on your child. In this case I agree that forgoing the cash in exchange for a stable upbringing for your son is a good trade.

[Potatodad]

TX statute on abandonment says you can take parental rights away after six months. 3 if the child is abandoned with someone other than the other parent. If the guy's in jail I don't think you'll have any problems in court. No need to bargain but if I was a woman in your situation, I would do my best to lose all contact with this fellow. The best way to do that is nix the child support.

[AW805]

I think everyone here is going to tell you what you already know. Cut this deadbeat dad out! He'll cause you and your son nothing but grief for the next 13 years. Your son doesn't know him and therefore won't miss him. Get rid of him while you still can. And by the way, I hate to say this, but lose his family while you are at it. They may not say this now, but eventually if you're son goes to visit them, they'll let him see his father. It'll cause more harm than good.

Don't wait for the court date, be proactive and start talking to attorneys or your case worker. Find out what you need to do make sure he's out of the picture for good. Best wishes!

[Fr_Chuck]

I will say let the step dad adopt, but don't expect it to happen at 18, most likely around 14 he will ask about his real dad. It is going to happen, just expect it.

If his step dad, soon to be adopted dad does a good job of bing a dad then it will go a lot easier.

[Bluerose]

You are going to get married and your new husband wants to adopt your child, I say go for it. Your ex will have to go through the courts for any rights he may have left. Your job is to protect your son. And when the time comes to tell him about his dad, tell him only the facts and allow him to feel whatever he wants.

[JennaVanloon]

Just an update:

We went to court last month, my sons real father is supposed to be paying me $312/month, which really isn't anything, but I guess it's better than nothing. At the hearing we agreed that the first 6 visits would be supervised by his mother. He said he did want to see his son, he told the courts it was my fault because I didn't let him have a relationship with his child. (cause I shoved the drugs and alcohol down his throat) He agreed to everything. So Every Sunday I take my son over to his mother's house for 5 hours. My son loves going over there. He gets to play with his cousin (6 months apart) and spend time with his nana. They are good tohim and love him very much. But his Dad, still a loser, he can't even spen the WHOLE 5 HOURS a WEEK with his son. I dropped him off yesterday, his dad didn't show up until 3:30, started doing this laundry, left and they brought my son home to me at 5, he only saw his dad a total of 30 minutes. The courts told me that if he doesn't abide by his visitation agreement, I don't have to take my son over there at all. Well my soon to husband thinks I should stop taking him over there all together. As much as I want to. I can't take him away from his nana again. It's not his fault that his dad is a piece of crap. I can easily blame it on the grandmother, because she did raise him. But I can't separate them AGAIN. They love each other and he gets so excited when he gets to see her. My fiancé doesn't agree, we argue about it.

[AW805]

Personally, I wouldn't let anyone known to have a current or past drug history drive my kid anywhere. I'm not sure that someone from the court can advise you to stop following the terms of a custody/child support order - but you should begin keeping a record of how often your son's dad is really spending with him.

[Matt3046]

Well hers the thing, children have rights also. And these rights include knowing both parents and extended families. Take the higher ground, and try not to get tangled up in your personal dislike for the father. Your boyfriend can be a fine stepdad (paper does not equal love.) Adoption is not that important. A parent is a parent step or otherwise. The father can change (yes it is possible) some people do. And the grand parents can also sue for
visitation. So just try to keep thing on your terms and avoid negativity around the kid.