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cataleptic · Mar 6, 2007, 07:57 AM

I have been going out with my girlfriend for almost two whole years, and we have ups and downs as anyone can imagine.

But one thing that I hate about her is that she razor blades herself.

When we got together, I really liked her and didn't know much about her, but as the days and weeks grew on I saw a secretive side to her, I thought she was seeing someone else too.

And I kept thinking that for a long while.

I would see her each lunchtime and one lunchtime, I left but I stayed near by, and I walked back to see her, as she didn't leave.

I saw her with something in her hand it was a knife, she hid it away.
I then knew that she was self harming.

I didn't like it and I told her that its bad and she should stop.

All through our relationship she has doing it. I got her to stop for about a month.

I have told her I can't take much more of this.

She thinks I don't care about her, I have told her to see a Doctor, and a shrink.

She does not admit that she has a problem, and when she does, like a about a month ago when she posted on this site she admitted she had a problem.

Then she said a few minutes later, "I dont have a problem, I dnt hurt myself"

We keep arguing about loads of things, and Im at the point where I can't take it anymore.

Lastnight she told me that she still wants to do it (cut herself) I said she shouldn't be thinking like that, and then when I got nothing positive from her, I got angry and I said:
"Go and slit your wrists, and die".

Someone please help.

P.S I have read a lot online about self harmers but she's not willing to help herself.

sasorry19 · Mar 6, 2007, 09:18 AM

Hey
I'm sorry to her about her and I hope you guys are better. Usually its common to not want to get help because she's scared. I think she's sad that she hurt and embarrsed to tell people because it shows she has problems you know and that maybe they'll think she's crazy. All I can say is be the best supprt to her. How old are you anyway? Jw lol but I hope I was able to help

cataleptic · Mar 6, 2007, 09:41 AM

Hi Thanks for your post.
I'm 25 almost 26 this year she's going to be 20 this year.
No one will think she's crazy, she hasn't even tried getting help.

Anyway since I posted that today, I have had words with her. I have said what I need to say and I have walk out of her life.

If she truly cared about me and our relationship as she claims, she would have tried at least something in the two years we've been together.

You may think I'm a b@stard for thinking like that, and that maybe true, but I just want her to stop.

Someone who posted to her post said:

As far as yes your boyfriend loves you but you do not think he will leave you in a fragile state, but maybe that is the best thing. Then maybe that will be the wake up call that you need to actually straighten out your life and make better choices for yourself so you can actually be around other people in a positive light.

kp2171 · Mar 6, 2007, 09:50 AM

The go die comment was rude and self-serving. No spin can make that OK.

But as for leaving her, well... you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. I don't think people should turn their back on those they care about, but you also shouldn't bear any guilt from stepping back from a bad situation when you've pressed her to get help.

You can't make someone want to get help, and you shouldn't let her use this to control you.

cataleptic · Mar 6, 2007, 10:16 AM

I do feel bad, I love her so much I'm dying inside right now, I have tears in my eyes as I'm writing this.

I keep looking at my phone. Wishing she'd text me call me anything!
She'll be finishing work soon. I hope I hear something.

This is my what's so silly, we keep going back around in circles.

I've tried to make it work, she has to an extent, but shouldn't a relationship be two way instead of one way?

MQ1 · Mar 10, 2007, 11:08 AM

Hi

I don't know why you're surprised she is reticent to seek help- seeing as she got such a good response from you. Just because she cuts herself and couldn't stop when she tried doesn't mean she didn't love you. I know from experience it is really difficult to stop.

All I can say is I'm so glad my boyfriend is nothing like you.

Anyway it's society that says it wrong, sometimes it is right for some person. It might not be the best coping mechanism around but at least it is one.

Sorry to be so sharp ('tis my way)- I hope this helps though

airbats-goku · Mar 10, 2007, 12:05 PM

cataleptic don't be so hard on yourself. You can't save her unless she wants to be saved. This was obviously eating away at you and you were starting to sink down yourself. You did the right thing in my opinion by taking yourself out of the situation before it really hurt you. Maybe seeing you walk will wake her up. However, don't take it too hard if it doesn't. She won't want to change until she hits rock-bottom. Hopefully, that's not too far down. Just remember that if she cuts too deep it is NOT YOUR FAULT!

valinors_sorrow · Mar 11, 2007, 11:05 AM

Until she is willing to seek help, nothing can be done. She isn't really relationship material since she in such troubled condition -- its all she can do to cope as it is now. This is why you experience it all going rather one way. I suggest you offer to find her help and go with her but let it be known that this must occur first before any further relationship can be considered. If she turns that down, know all too well that she is also turning down a two-way relationship too. She will seek those who will accept a lot less until that doesn't work or she runs out of people, then perhaps a bottom will happen. Cutting is very much like an addiction and with the proper help can be addressed along with all the underlying issues. But she has to want the help.

grammadidi · Mar 11, 2007, 11:50 AM

You are right to insist that she get help. Most people who self-harm are inflicting pain upon themselves in order to cope with/block out a different pain, or even anger. Self-harm is like a coping technique, and she needs to learn other ways to cope, or better yet - release, the pain. Many of these self-harmers have been sexually or physically abused, although not all. Some have had emotionally absent parents and/or come from broken homes. The cutting is more a release than a suicide attempt. Some cutters feel dead inside, so when they cut it's like affirmation that they ARE alive.

Your girlfriend, who you obviously love very much, needs help. She carries a lot of emotional pain and needs to be taught healthy ways to release and deal with her emotions. She is not crazy, she is in extreme pain. She may even suffer from an eating disorder, many cutters do. She needs support, though, and it is important for you to realize that when she is cutting, it is more an attempt to STAY ALIVE than to die. Her cutting is not an attention-seeking or manipulative act. It is all about survival.

People who self-harm need SUPPORT more than anything. She needs a means of building her self-esteem. Cognitive behavioral therapysometimes can help with these people... it helps them identify what happens just before they cut so they can identify triggers and avoid them. More severe cases need more intense treatment and therapy. It is usually very important that they have someone to advocate for them to ensure they receive the right help. This is where reading and learning as much as you can about self-harm is imperative.

I think, if you really love this girl and feel it's worth working on, that instead of backing off the relationship (which DOES work for other issues, but not for this kind of thing), that you should encourage her to talk about her feelings, being supportive and loving while she does. Model what you want by talking about your own feelings. Don't focus on the cutting, but on the feelings! Don't be critical, show her that you accept her and she is lovable. Remember, they are blocking a lot of emotions so it will take time... and probably good help.

I don't know where you live, but if you contact your local Mental Health Association they can guide you to pamphlets, books, therapists and other resources for both you and your girlfriend. I think that if you are strong enough to stand beside her and encourage her to get the help she requires that you can have an incredible relationship with this gal. Also, if you need it, get some supportive help for yourself so you can learn the best way to encourage her and still support yourself so you don't crash and burn. Make sure that any help that you get for her involves supportive, caring therapy that encourages her to express her feelings and get to the root of her self-harming behaviours.

Good luck!

Hugs, Didi

kp2171 · Mar 22, 2007, 02:11 PM

Destructive behavior is not coping. Its transferring one issue into another. Want to call it a "coping mechanism"? Fine. You stated there was "no problem" with this behavior. That is the problem with your post.

People who act like that wonder why they've gotten no better ten years down the line. Its delayed, referred pain that really isn't resolved.

The more you talk, the less you know about reality. At least healthy reality.

Originally Posted by Bozotclown

and where do you get your info from. you are so ing stupid. what the hell do you think coping is. it is dealing with something to carry on your life. that is coping moron. dont talk about things you dont understand. if you have never self harmed shut up

kp2171 · Mar 22, 2007, 02:20 PM

Given a choice between two destructive habits, obviously choosing the lesser is "better"... but again, that is not resolving the issue.

You want to isolate this self-destructive habit from others? You are kidding yourself. I've had enough friends and family members choose unhealthy methods of avoiding real coping and healing. It might get you through the night. it isnt sustainable.

Sustainable habits that better your life are a part of living healthy. Telling someone that it is stupid to try to deal with this issue is simply ignoring the truth, or is masking your guilt. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. That doesn't mean you should agree that self destructive behavior should be ignored.

cataleptic · Mar 22, 2007, 04:51 PM

I love my girlfriend I'd die for her, but if she doesn't want 2 stop hurting herself what shall I do? Pretend nothing is happening?

She told me today that she won't b doing it anymore, I actually believe her

But now I think I may be loosin it I'm scared

grammadidi · Mar 22, 2007, 05:32 PM

Please re-read my original post. I know what I am talking about. I have counseled people who cut. Your girlfriend probably want to stop... probably means every word she tells you about quitting... but, until she builds self-esteem, learns the triggers and how to avoid them as well as learning alternate healthy ways of dealing with her pain she WILL continue to self-harm.

Have you ever considered that perhaps you loving her so much might be a trigger? If so, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you - it means that the depth of your love makes her aware of past pain related to the same feelings that she associates with love. You might be able to convince her to seek help if you approach it that YOU need to learn the triggers in order to help and support her as much as possible. She needs a counselor who knows that cutting is NOT a suicide attempt. I think you should do everything you can to convince her to seek help because you love her so much. Please let her know that you need her to seek help because you feel so overwhelmed with it all and you are so afraid of doing/saying the wrong things. No matter what, assure her that you love her cutting or not, but you need this not just for her... but for you. Hopefully that will help.

Didi

cataleptic · Mar 22, 2007, 06:00 PM

Hi didi,
Thanks 4 post. I have tried getting her to talk about things. But its difficult as she doesn't really give away much, I have to nag her atvtyms to get information from her regarding even the most trivial things.

From day one I have asked her to seek professional help, but she denies having a problem.

But past few days she seems a lot better, but she did slit her rist last week.

I have tried to structure my conversations so she would see that harming is bad etc..

We keep arguing about this and other things, she is very 'loose' with other guys and tends to lie a lot and I always seem to catch her out, is this another trait of a self harmer?

I want 2 spend my life with this girl I do tell her I love her everyday, she works across the road from me and I always make t m 2 see her if and when possible.

She does have a eating disorder too, I'm really afraid I won't have a girlfriend 1 day.

If and when we have kids I don't want them to see such horrors on their mother.

There's a lot of things I worry about I really don't know what to do.

Then there's the problem of her hearing voices :'-(

I love her

Charrrr · Mar 22, 2007, 06:01 PM

Talk to her about why she's doing it, try and get a better understanding.

If you really care about her don't want her to do it, blackmail her. Tell her 'If you do it I will'.

When I was incredibly depressed and self-harming my boyfriend helped me stop, one day he saw I'd done it again and he went into the bathroom and did it too.

I saw realised how selfish and stupid I was being and how it made everything worse. I'd even driven him to the point of doing it to himself.

valinors_sorrow · Mar 22, 2007, 06:33 PM

Cutting, eating disorders, hearing voices... are all things that require professional help, even medication in order to experience relief from them. If she is serious about seeking help, it all starts by seeing her doctor. These sorts of things are all treated by the professional community with compassion and dignity but it won't happen unless she is willing. And if she is not willing to seek the help, again, its her choice --- and in the US at least, it's a choice that is honored when made by any legally competent adult.

grammadidi · Mar 22, 2007, 07:13 PM

Eating disorders and cutting often go hand in hand... but not hearing voices. If she is hearing voices then there is nothing you can do or say in itself that will help her. She does need professional help, without question.

Has she been sexually &/or physically abused in her early years? Are you there when she cuts? How old is she? Do you live in the US? In most places if a person engages in self-harm they can be involuntarily hospitalized. Unfortunately, as you are not her immediate family member, the only way I can see that happening is if you call 911 or take her to emergency right after she cuts. Are there other people in her life that you can depend upon to help encourage her to go for help?

I feel for you, but I tend to agree - you are in way over your head. You need help.

Didi

urstruly85 · Mar 23, 2007, 10:32 AM

Maybe instead of reading the last few pots I should switch to reading the first few because damn some people really need help... Any way if you love her as much as you say you do you should try getting her help, offer to go with her, take it baby steps, get her to tell you how she feels. Don't leave her all alone, it will get worse, if you feel you don't want a relationship with her let her use you as a friend but walk her through the steps attend meetings with her etc..

cataleptic · Mar 23, 2007, 11:18 AM

Now she wants to end it with me.
So we now know how much she wants to seek help: 0%

Looks like you got your wish Bozo

cataleptic · Mar 23, 2007, 11:27 AM

Urstruly: I have tried, I can't get her to go see a Doctor, I can't even get her to see that she needs help.

She has said she needs help, and I have been ready 4 anything she's wanted 2 do about it, but she brushes it aside and carries on.

I'm fighting a losing battle.

As I wrote on the last post she wants to end our relationship