[Heartache402]

I have been in an abusive & non caring relationship for almost 1 n a half year. The relationship was very frustrating. It took away all my freedom to live life happily. He used to restrict me for every single thing from opening up my hair to even wearing a normal decent cut sleeves dress. He use to make me cry weep run behind him so badly & when he use to see me crying all he used to say is " I am not raising kids stop crying for heaven sake" either he used to disconnect immediately or leave the premises . He didn't like me meeting my friends. He used to restrict me for every small to big thing. He used to make foul comment over my family too. He did not like my family and he clearly said that how am I going to get in a relationship with them at later stages. And at times he himself used to contradict his words. He never appreciated for what I did for him. He used to have problem from every small thing. I tried making every bit of moment special for him but all I use to get is a poker face or an annoyed one with tons of hard behavior and ultimately this hurt me n I cried!


One day I got into friendship with a guy who used to like me and my boyfriend hated that boy. I was serious about my boyfriend I had no wrong intentions about being with that guy but somewhere I was scared of telling it to my boyfriend because all he'd do is burry me under his harsh words . Our friendship grew I met him. Twice or thrice without telling my boyfriend , that guy told me his feelings many a times but all I used to say is I am in a relationship , u better don't think anything beyond that because I love my boyfriend a lot. That friend used to support me though ups n downs, I don't know once we met I held his hand all the time and I got some good news and I hugged him. This thing kills me. But then I drew a line of limit.

Once what happened, my boyfriend doubted on my brother, like just imagine. He said why do you delete your conversations with him is there anything fishy or what? I was devastated I said him he a low life loser, who can doubt even on a brother sister relationship. That night out of frustration I brooked of with him &and I called up my friend and told him I'm okay being in a relationship with him. I had this bad bad guilt.

The very next day I broke off with that guy told him , I'm sorry but I really love my boyfriend I don't know what it made me say you all this. But when my boyfriend called up next day I said I told him everything about that guy. He was devastated... I apologized I did every bit of sorry for almost a month. A month later due to a heated conversation my boyfriend hit me.

I have broken up with him Since 2 months now but I can't get rid of the guilt. It makes me feel I ruined my relationship. I love my boyfriend a lot, is this guilt because of this thing that we were intimate and yet I hide the friendship? I don't know what it is but it kills me. I swear , I got attracted to that guy for a while but it didn't took me even more than a day that I am in a relationship with someone, I can't be disloyal to him because I thoroughly loved him in spite of his bad behaviour.my boyfriend never made me feel special at all. We hardly use to have some romantic dates. I still love him, but why is this stupid friendship instance killing me this bad? Please help. I want to get over move on and lead a health life. And the last thing I want to mention is I have cribbed begged said sorry for that so many times. When I can forgive him for calling me a prostitute out of anger, hitting me. Can't he forgive me for this attracted friendship? I am so heart broken and dying of guilt. I don't know in which flow I opted for a wrong path but I am honestly dying of this guilt. It's been 2 months I haven't slept a peaceful sleep even.

Please help me. I have lost all my confidence in me.

[Enigma1999]

You made the right decision by leaving your boyfriend. He sounds like an idiot. The ONLY reason why you feel guilt is because he has conditioned you to feel guilty.

The fact that you have to hide friendships from him says a lot.

Stay away from him. He's not good for you.

You need time for yourself and to be alone. Focus on YOU.

[maddy6]

You have no reason whatsoever to be guilty. Just like Enigma1999 said, he has conditioned you to feel guilty when you do not do what he wants. He HIT you. Any man who hits a woman has very poor character and is a coward. Not only do you need to stay broken up with him you need to run as fast as you can in the other direction from him. You need to find other avenues in your life and keep busy until you get over him. He is "abusive" and you would be a fool to return to that. Now that he has hit you once, do you actually think it will never happen again? Get a grip girl and face reality. He was controlling and abusive and you are better off without him.

[allicat1994]

Dear, Im sure you did love him but abusive relationships are bad. You sound like a sweet girl. Don't feel guilty you did absolutely nothing wrong. If that boy was mean to you and God forbid he hit you, then he didn't deserve you.
Here's a link I think will help... How To Get Over An Abusive Relationship | LIVESTRONG.COM

I hope it helps. I'll be praying for you :)

[Heartache402]

Leaving him was apt. I understand but is it me who did wrong? I was influenced towards the wrong path due to his ultra bad & insecure behavior. His distrust and lack of love forced me towards it. I just got attracted to a bait & since that guy was the most convenient option it was him( the preson who liked me & my boyfriend hated) I realize these facts but I don't know why I have become so small in my own eyes after this , that its being really tough to stand up.. Am I entirely or partially at fault or am I not? Does this happens? Or am I overthinking about a friendship bcoz my boyfriend hated him or even hated me when I made male friends. Or is it the hidden friendship pinched him & that's what disturbing me! Or is it that even after being in a serious & pretty intimate relationship o was attracted to such false friendship? Am I at fault?

After the break up he is so happy living his life atmost! Freakin out with friends partying and what not . He literally doesn't gives a damn no matter what am I going through. Whether I live or die, nothing is his business now .He had absolutely no pain breaking up, no sense of loss nothing! Noting at all! Is it that he cheated me the entire relationship. We got intimate at swear and promises of marriage , was that all fake, did he just played with me used me and now I'm thrown away ? Was I being cheated in the name of serious relationship?

[maddy6]

You did what you did because you were NOT HAPPY in the relationship with your boyfriend. Even though you accepted the bad treatment, you knew deep down it was wrong. You didn't feel loved because he treated you badly. You are not "bad," or "wrong" for your behavior. You were simply a young woman with needs that desired companionship from someone who treated you with respect. Something your boyfriend never gave you.
How old are you? What positive things are you doing in your life? Are you in school? You are part of this abusive relationship ONLY in that you "enable" the abuser by allowing him to treat you badly. Your guilt seems to me to be from you hanging onto that part of yourself that allows the abusive treatment. We all make mistakes. It is part of learning and growing, and it is OKAY. Forgive yourself for not maintaining whatever standard you think you should have set in the relationship, even if it was with a cowardly woman hitter, and move on. Go to school, get involved in some positive things, meet positive people, go to church. Anywhere where you can grow into a better individual and meet better men than the cowardly man you were involved with. No woman should ever be treated by a man the way you describe you were treated. You are worth far more than that. REALLY.

[Heartache402]

No , I'm 20 & I am pursuing last year of graduation with a foreign language and preparing for MBA. I keep myself occupied with my classes then I go to gym. I am socially low tgese days bcoz I'm surrounded with "fake " people all around. I keep myself busy with my family.

[talaniman]

It may hurt now, but you have gotten off a bad path with a bad person and are free to get healthy and have a happy healthy life. Your hurt makes you feel guilt, but you have done nothing wrong but give your heart to a monster who didn't deserve it, or know what to do with it.

Put this in the past, and do better. I think you will.

[Heartache402]

I don't know at times I het a feeling of being cheated Nd at times I have cheated, this state is miserable:(
But your kind suggestion did work bt a little more eplanation Talaniman , please?

[talaniman]

Having a male friend is NOT cheating. An act of friendshipis not cheating,so where is the guilt? There is NONE.

Or am I overthinking about a friendship bcoz my boyfriend hated him or even hated me when I made male friends.

I was serious about my boyfriend I had no wrong intentions about being with that guy but somewhere I was scared of telling it to my boyfriend because all he'd do is burry me under his harsh words . Our friendship grew I met him. Twice or thrice without telling my boyfriend , that guy told me his feelings many a times but all I used to say is I am in a relationship , u better don't think anything beyond that because I love my boyfriend a lot.

Isolation by your ex was a tool to control you, and some healing time will help you realize he always made you feel guilty for anything he didn't like, or couldn't control.

[Heartache402]

Thanks a lot everyone for you kind suggestions . It did help me a lot. I am way more than relaxed ! At least the guilt ain't killing me big time. I have realised and understood the fact that practically there is nothing to feel guilty about. Its just that he has moulded his insecurities to shape into my guilt... I did nothing wrong . It's his loss anyway!
And I certain mostly hope, Time will heal all the wounds "
Thanks a lot :D REALLY.
Any other suggestions are always welcomed... :)

[Heartache402]

Did he screwed me & cheated on me big time for almost 2 yrs?

[Heartache402]

Please help over! :( getting over him is becoming tougher day by day :'(

[talaniman]

Are you keeping NC, and read the stickies?

[Heartache402]

Are you keeping NC, and read the stickies?

What stickies ?
Yes, completely NC. In fact I don't even talk to any of our mutual friends too. Yet he is on my mind 24*7 ! No matter what I do ir how much busy I keep.

[talaniman]

Relationships - Ask Me Help Desk

We all have gone through that. That's why break ups suck.

[Heartache402]

Yup I keep reading stickies . They inspire me a lot. But break up has bought in so many negativities in me that are uncontrollable . I've become rude ,impatient, insecure and I remain irritated all the time. This sucks. I wasn't a very calm and compose person earlier too but seems like this instance has bought all the negativity to the fore! His thoughts & memories sucks . It was a bad bad relationship and I really want to get over him ASAP. Literally as soon as possible. I don't want it to take as much as time it is taking . He was a really bad human being and now seems like he has left his traits in me. I'm impatient & and keeping fighting & ruling with those whom I can. And those whom I cannot rule if they go anywhere against me it takes a fraction of second to burn me inside out and that fire either comes out in the way of tears or harsh worda and beahvior. It's a bad bad frustration you see...

I really need help! Orelse I'll keep portraying this bad image. Or be the bad one in everyone's eyes. This is not good.

At times I feel all this is because of unhealthy lifestyle , improper sleeps . This phase has made me insomniac! And I just can't intake food bcoz of long lasting anxiety , anxiety over what even I am unaware. Certain unaware feeling keeps my mind clouded .and at times,An unrealistic feeling of being in a funeral.. scared, deadly ,sluggish keeps persisting since long now ��

What's happening?? ��

I feel like sleeping for ages and get up when all the mess is over. Seems like growing up has become such a sin. There are so many priblems struggles in life.. Okay one has to be strong and face it but then I was so much goal oriented & now my goal my aim are so dizzy to my ownself . Literally I want to have a long peaceful sleep for moths and literally get up when the whole mess around me is over. Too many problems to handle at the same time. Family problem then my graduation pressure the exta effort in language course I have to start up for my MBA coaching classes. There is so much to do but there is nothing left , it looks this way . The zeal the enthusiasm the positiveness towards life is over. Seems like life is moving or I should say crawling in its own sour tune . And I am facing it. There's this strom coming from the fore I am walking & walking there is no end to hurdles and hurts . Where is PEACE ? Where is HAPPINESS? Where is the CHILDHOOD?
Least to least OR all in all Where is POSITIVITY?

[talaniman]

Your response and feelings are very typical of young people (and old) who are finding themselves overwhelmed by their own feelings. You are emotional and impulsive as this break up has shown you.

The real lesson is learning to control yourself, set priorities, and a reasonable plan to deal with yourself, and those priorities. Focus, Focus, Focus on what's important, and let time deal with the rest. The break up and healing will take time, and cannot be rushed, but endured, so FOCUS on what you NEED to do NOW for your future.

Your attitude is gratitude that you DO have a future without him. Read the stickies and DO them, NOT just read them.

[Heartache402]

Yes, with this time I am glad that at least I have UNDERSTOOD & ACCEPTED the fact my life will be better off without him in the future. Well, it may seem tough now but I don't see N easy lively and living future with him. I don't know how time will treat me in this period . But all I need is strength to be strong , to be FOCUSED . My aim for a better self standed future with calnmess .
Counsel me with certain good tips for that. Your posts influence me a lot. Yes I read and try to imbibe as muchas I can from those stickies.

[Heartache402]

I want to become a more calm had bring patience in me. Ability to hear the other person . Be a good listener and not o ly listen but understand others point of view even though it contradicts mine. Power to accept mistakes and make corrective measures . Ability to accept and first listen to my mistakes . Help me through this too