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Tormented · Jul 30, 2012, 08:25 PM

She dated him in college for four years, she cheated on her husband with him. Now I am with her, we've been falling in love for a year and a half. She's divorced and so am I.

I asked her why she cheated on her ex husband with this guy, because she had said he was a cheater when they were together in college. She told me that a certain part of his anatomy was large.

When I asked her to delete his and his best friend's contact information, she said she doesn't want to because she may want to check on his friend from time to time.

I don't think, as long as she loves me and we're headed for a wonderful future, that she should have his contact information.
Should I forget about it and move on, or ask again for her to get rid of this guy's phone number and email address?

teacherjenn4 · Jul 30, 2012, 08:47 PM

It's all about trust. If she deletes the information, then you will start trusting her? She could delete it from her cell and computer, but put it in a drawer and still contact him. So, do you trust her?

Tormented · Aug 7, 2012, 12:04 AM

QUOTE by teacherjenn4:
It's all about trust. If she deletes the information, then you will start trusting her? She could delete it from her cell and computer, but put it in a drawer and still contact him. So, do you trust her?

I do trust her already. I believe that she won't physically cheat on me. I would believe her if she says she's deleted ALL of his contact information and no I wouldn't think she would stash a number in a drawer anywhere.
My concern is I don't really want her contacting him or any of his friends where she could get his information from. I don't really want to share her time with any of them, especially an old boyfriend. Since I asked her she has told me that she feels that what I asked about the ex boyfriend and getting rid of his contact info is not completely unreasonable. And, if it gives me peace of mind she would delete it. But, she refuses to get rid of his friend's contact information and she could always ask the friend for the ex's info if she really wanted to. She says she wants the friend's number because she and other friends like to see how he's doing. What I don't like or completely understand is why her friends ask her how this guy is and why does she have to be the one that has to call and check on him, or them? These other friends, two female are all single and without significant others.
Am I being selfish and jealous not wanting her to contact this old best friend of her ex boyfriend, even if he is and old friend of hers? I need to move on, waiting to ask on this forum. I am just happy that she has seen my reasoning and agreed that it would make her uncomfortable if I kept old girlfriend's numbers.

Alty · Aug 7, 2012, 12:08 AM

Have you told her how you feel about this, or did you just blurt out "I want you to delete him"?

If she knows how you feel, that this makes you uneasy, then maybe she'll be willing to do it. If she does know how you feel and refuses, then you really have to ask yourself why. If this guy means nothing to her anymore, then why stay in contact with him?

Also, I hate to bring it up, but she cheated on her husband with this guy. Do you really trust her, because I have to say, I don't think I could.

amicon · Aug 7, 2012, 02:26 AM

I agree with Alty- and where there are trust issues ( I can see why... )you need to have an honest conversation about these.

Brushing ''stuff'' under the carpet is never a good idea.

Tormented · Aug 7, 2012, 03:01 PM

Thanks for all the feedback. She has told me that she has deleted her ex boyfriend's contact information and I believe her. Like I said I trust her as she says she's not that person anymore and things really didn't turn out that well when she cheated with him on her, at the time, husband. She doesn't want to get rid of his friend's contact information because this guy friend, is also an old friend of hers whom she hasn't spoken to in about two years. When I mentioned to her that she can just as easily ask the mutual guy friend for the cheating ex boyfriend's info, she says no, he's just a friend and other mutual friends ask my girlfriend about this guy occasionally. In my first response above, I wondered why SHE has to be the person in contact with this guy. Am I just overly jealous and am I just trying to control who she keeps as friends? Or, do I have legitimate concerns about her needing this contact with old guy friends, friends she says she hasn't talked to in two years. If it were me, I wouldn't hesitate to delete any old female friends from my contacts, if it made my girl feel better.

Alty · Aug 7, 2012, 03:56 PM

Here's my take. I think that you're not admitting to yourself that you don't trust her. Here's why.

I am friends with my ex. I've been with my husband for over half our lives, since we were 19. I've never cheated on him, and I never would. But, before him I had another love. It didn't work out, but we remained friends, and we're still friends to this day.

He lives in another country, but comes back at least once a year to visit. When he does we get together, go out for drinks, dinner, and my husband stays home to watch our kids. My husband trusts me, which he should because I'd never cheat on him. But, not once has my husband ever asked me to delete my ex, to stop being his friend, or stop getting together with him when he visits.

I'm not saying you're wrong, in fact, I think that if this bothers you, you're right to express that to her. That's what I said in my first post, and I stand by that. But, I don't think you trust her, and I don't know if I would. She cheated on her husband with this guy. Obviously that bothers you. It would bother me too, but you're not being honest with yourself. If you do trust her, this wouldn't be an issue, you never would have asked this question.

That's my take on this.

mmresd · Aug 7, 2012, 04:30 PM

This is about your trust to her. You need to be able to know that the information is there and still continue working on your relationship. Your insecurities and jealousy will only run this relationship to the ground. Remember how valuable you are, value yourself, if you feel like she is looking for something else, then it is YOU who you need to work on, not be controlling and jealous and keep pushing her to delete information. She will keep it one way or another if she wants.

Alty · Aug 7, 2012, 04:48 PM

Originally Posted by mmresd

This is about your trust to her. You need to be able to konw that the information is there and still continue working on your relationship. Your insecurities and jealousy will only run this relationship to the ground. Remember how valuable you are, value yourself, if you feel like she is looking for something else, then it is YOU who you need to work on, not be controlling and jealous and keep pushing her to delete information. She will keep it one way or another if she wants.

So true. Deleting the information won't stop her from seeing this guy, meeting up with him, and continuing a friendship, or more, just because the info was deleted.

Deleting info that the boyfriend can see is not going to stop anything if she has it in her mind to cheat. And the fact that deleting the info is so important to the current boyfriend shows his lack of trust in her, in my opinion.

talaniman · Aug 7, 2012, 04:55 PM

I have been married 37 years, I don't care a rats patoot about my wife's exes, friends, or past before me. Who she tweets, FB's, calls, texts. Why should I.

My point, while I can understand the intense concern, I really can, but you cannot let your own fears and in securities be projected upon others. They are yours to deal with and best to deal with actual cheating, than the fear of it.

Having said that,its understandable from your other post, or your girls, how fear gets thrown in the mix.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nd-691287.html

So lets not ignore your probing, or her attempts to deflect your probing. Be it from curiosity,or FEAR, and this is from her version.

My present boyfriend can't understand why I cheated on my, then husband with my old cheating college boyfriend. I began to feel cornered and had been drinking a bit, and I told him I cheated with my old college boyfriend because he has a large penis.

Scared you didn't she.

I think you get yourself in a more secure position, as whether her version is fact or not (who cares), the bottom line isn't trust, but insecurity. If you delve into the past with questions you sure better be ready for what the answer is. If you don't you skew the lines of honest communications, and start reacting, and acting from fear.

You want to understand, then curb your own fears and insecurities so you both can reach a resolution as to boundaries, and rules of good behavior that you can agree on, and that benefits you both, without feeding either of your FEARS, and INSECURITIES. In a sense you were disturbed and over reacting, but by talking it out, you get to get facts that you both can understand, and deal with fairly.

Am I being selfish and jealous not wanting her to contact this old best friend of her ex boyfriend, even if he is and old friend of hers? I need to move on, waiting to ask on this forum. I am just happy that she has seen my reasoning and agreed that it would make her uncomfortable if I kept old girlfriend's numbers.

That's the good part, but the red flag is you have been dealing with those fears for a year, and not overcome them completely. You will, you are in the 50's, not 15, and you are nothing like her cheating ex, and if you don't push so hard, and keep working on it.

I just believe partners should be given the space to succeed or fail, and deal with what happens, not what you are afraid will happen. Speak your peace though without fear.

Tormented · Aug 7, 2012, 09:24 PM

What great input. I knew there was a reason I wanted to ask this forum. You have confirmed what I should do and have enlightened me on some truths. Since she has cheated before, I was untrusting. The fact that I am with her and we are in love, is really what I need to hang my securities on. I need to trust her because she has done nothing to me. After all, she is with me, and she loves me. We deserve to be happy and not sad because of something that she did to someone else. As far as having guy friends, we all should have friends. I didn't think it was about not trusting her, I just didn't like her giving other guys big egos and while she's sometimes drinking and being somewhat flirty, have them think she liked them in a different way. I'm jealous, and yes fear factored in and will work on those. Discussing boundries is a good idea and as long as she puts our relationship first, I will be able accept her having her guy friends. I have already accepted a couple of them. The friend of the ex boyfreind, which was a new name that popped up recently, after a year and a half of us being together, was my real concern. We'll be fine with understanding why I made myself feel so bad about all this. As far as the remark about her ex's penis size, I'm confident that I please her and she has never complained. We have a great relationship under the covers.
I feel much better from having the support and input from this forum. Thanks again for all of the insight, I welcome future input from all.

monsieurjj · Aug 7, 2012, 10:09 PM

This is clearly a trust issue, I guarantee your relationship will fail if you don't trust her, as for now that is the only thing you can control

here2assist · Aug 8, 2012, 09:13 AM

What I don't get is why you both are opening up to strangers on the same site when you should be communicating with each other. I'm all for this site and seeking other people's advice but why not express your feelings to each other. Only the two of you as a team can resolve this :-)

talaniman · Aug 8, 2012, 09:33 AM

I think they have talked about it, but sought some opinions suggestions and advice, and I think that's okay too.

Tormented · Aug 8, 2012, 08:07 PM

Talaniman is correct in that she and I have discussed both of these issues and I wanted to feel better and stop feeling jealous and trust her. I felt that getting some imput would help and it really has. I felt that we had almost exhausted our discussions and I wasn't feeling total closure. After reading the posts from both issues, I haven't felt better. I think she'll agree to setting some boundaries as to contact with her guy friends. I don't want to seem so controlling that she can't have certain friends, that would be way too immature on my part and push her away.
Again, thanks for all your advice and experiences.

talaniman · Aug 9, 2012, 07:05 AM

Maybe some boundaries can be set, but YOU must do your part in dealing with YOUR issues, and not projecting them on her. There are some things you will have to accept to get closure. And its not fair to keep revisiting things when you lose composure, control, or are overwhelmed by your own feelings of insecurity, or inadequacy.