[ignatz2000]

Hi I just wrote a short story and I was wondering what everybody thought of it. It's the first one I have ever written so try not to bash it just to bash it. Other than that criticize it as much as you like.:) By the way I got the inspiration for it while reading a collection of short story's by Ed McBain. Oh and I censored the cursing a little bit too.:) And now the story:

Andrew's hands were shaking on the steering wheel as Dan and Frank got out of the car.
"Can you really believe we're actually doing this?" He asked. "Come on" Frank said, "we haven't even robbed the f---ing place and you're wimping out already?" Dan laughed and went into the store as Frank followed. They knew by weeks of watching that there was usually just the manager and one or two customers in the store this time of night. When they went in there was just the manager and a man in a suit talking in Italian. Dan and Frank both drew their guns and announced that they were robbing the place. Dan told the manager to open the cash register while Frank went through the other man's pockets. "Hey",Frank said."This guy's packing heat." Dan laughed again and said "leave crime to the professionals old man". They both laughed and taking the money, they left. A few minutes later while they were driving away Dan thought he saw someone following them. "S---" Andrew said, "Time for plan B guys". They grabbed the money as Andrew pulled over and jumped out of the car and ran. When they got to Frank's house they ran inside and locked the door. Once they had waited about a half an hour Dan said "I think we're safe". "Yeah", Andrew said "Let's go see if the car is still there". They went outside and saw the man from the store that had been talking with the manager. "What are you doing here geezer?" Frank asked. The man smiled and pulling a Smith & Wesson from his pocket said "Leave crime to the professionals, a--hole".
If you like this story and want to read more just message me. Currently I'm writing my third one:)

[grammadidi]

I think it's a pretty well written piece. The only part I had difficulty with was "Once they had waited about a half an hour Dan said..." because it sounded a little 5th grade to me compared to the rest of it. Other than that it was pretty good. Loved the ending.

Didi

[Victor Essej]

As a preface to my comments, I would like to direct you towards the "Writing" section of this site. You would probably get more responses there, with more suggestions from fellow writers.

The story shows that you are able to weave the words relatively well; you have an unrefined but interesting voice, and with work you could really develop a unique style. However, this story comes up a bit lacking in that it is, for one, very short, and very undeveloped. It seems more of an idea, or a skeleton, for a short story, more so than an actual finished product. You really need to concentrate on developing the characters, and giving the plot time to play out. You have the hook for the end, I can see that, and I think that it is a very good ending for someone's first story.

If you would like any more help, please feel free to message me; if you are upset by my critique, I apologize, and stress that these are merely my opinions.

But above all, keep writing! You'll find it to be extremely rewarding, and I can tell that you have some talent in you.

[shygrneyzs]

I am glad you censored the swearing, as I thought it had more than enough as it was.

Overall, a nice story. Good ending. Fleshing out the story - background information on the three men, scenery, the store itself, how did the three men watch the store before the holdup, description of the characters, etc. You have a good kernel of a story going.