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divineangel82 · Jul 23, 2012, 12:58 AM

I met this guy a couple of months back and he was really into me. I am a divorce and a year older to him so I kept him at bay at that point. But he kept on wooing me and finally I relented. He asked me to marry him and I told him my past which he said he was OK with and it was immaterial to him.

We started spending a lot of time together, even to the extent that I started spending all my weeknights and weekends at his place. But when he raised this question to his parents, they flatly refused and stopped talking to him also. To them it was unacceptable for their son to marry me. He told me that he would not meet me till he gains approval from his parents but he would not be able to leave his parents too. We are Indians in nationality.

I told him I was with him and supported him. But things became worse and I told him in anger that he can relieve his parents of this burden. Now its been 3 days and he has not called me. I am so heartbroken that he could let me go this way.

joypulv · Jul 23, 2012, 03:02 AM

We hear this kind of story often from India or people of Indian birth in other countries (I'm in the US). It's too bad that he cannot put his feelings for you above those for his parents, but that's part of your culture, and it might be tied to financial support or a family business too.

Three days isn't very long. Let us know what happens after several more days. I wouldn't try to contact him. What you said out of hurt and anger wasn't wrong. You have a right to feel hurt.

divineangel82 · Jul 24, 2012, 02:05 AM

Originally Posted by joypulv

We hear this kind of story often from India or people of Indian birth in other countries (I'm in the US). It's too bad that he cannot put his feelings for you above those for his parents, but that's part of your culture, and it might be tied to financial support or a family business too.

Three days isn't very long. Let us know what happens after several more days. I wouldn't try to contact him. What you said out of hurt and anger wasn't wrong. You have a right to feel hurt.

Well its been a while now and he has neither tried to text me, or call me. He works well and not a part of the family business, but I think the house he lives in is what his family bought for him. So yes, in a way, he is financially tied to them. But when he told me that it was so immaterial to him about my past, where was the conviction? It hurts me.. And there are times when I feel like talking to him, but am definitely not going to call. I do not agree with his concept of
"i will not meet you till i am able to convince my parents, coz then it would seem that I am leading you on". That's when I lost it completely, because I stay 2km away from where he stays, and he would nt even meet me. I keep waiting for his calls when he says he was thinking so much that he could not even talk to me.

joypulv · Jul 24, 2012, 12:54 PM

I think we all fail in the conviction department with those we love. We make promises, we proclaim undying love, we even vow to never raise our voices to our children - and we rarely are able to keep those vows. I'm not saying to forgive him, but try to understand that he really did like you for who you are and not your divorce. He might still be trying to convince them, or he might be figuring out how he can afford his own house. I'm not sure how much time I would wait! Only you can answer that. I suppose that you have to try to keep busy and not count on him at all. One thing that helps is to write him letters (on paper) and never send them, just keep writing and re-writing. It gets the hurt and anger out, and helps clear your thoughts.

mmresd · Jul 24, 2012, 12:57 PM

He is trying to work out a serious issue with his parents, give him some space. If after two weeks there are no news, treat this as a break up and start moving on. A man that loves you will tell his parents to either continue being his parents or get out of his life and will build a family with you. If he is more loyal to his current family than the one you two are supposed to create, do you really think he was ready to get married?

talaniman · Jul 24, 2012, 01:49 PM

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...in-669827.html

Same guy?

divineangel82 · Jul 24, 2012, 11:52 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...in-669827.html

Same guy?

No.. this is a different guy altogether.

divineangel82 · Jul 25, 2012, 12:01 AM

Originally Posted by mmresd

He is trying to work out a serious issue with his parents, give him some space. If after two weeks there are no news, treat this as a break up and start moving on. A man that loves you will tell his parents to either continue being his parents or get out of his life and will build a family with you. If he is more loyal to his current family than the one you two are supposed to create, do you really think he was ready to get married?

I believe he should have kept in touch at least. I kept telling him on my last call 'say bye at least.. say bye". But he kept quiet. Never said anything to me.. It hurts me so much that he did not even give me closure..

divineangel82 · Jul 25, 2012, 12:30 AM

Originally Posted by joypulv

I think we all fail in the conviction department with those we love. We make promises, we proclaim undying love, we even vow to never raise our voices to our children - and we rarely are able to keep those vows. I'm not saying to forgive him, but try to understand that he really did like you for who you are and not your divorce. He might still be trying to convince them, or he might be figuring out how he can afford his own house. I'm not sure how much time I would wait! Only you can answer that. I suppose that you have to try to keep busy and not count on him at all. One thing that helps is to write him letters (on paper) and never send them, just keep writing and re-writing. It gets the hurt and anger out, and helps clear your thoughts.

I know I can't depend on him anymore. He abandoned me is what I felt. I gave him all the support he asked for.. but he went into silence as if nuthing mattered to him.. I hope he does not stand at a distance and laugh at me saying what kind of life she has. She is a divorcée. and its good to get rid of her. My brain is so scattered. I don't know what to think now of him or myself. I felt I owed him the truth at that time, but I feel so cheated now.

divineangel82 · Jul 25, 2012, 01:29 AM

Originally Posted by mmresd

He is trying to work out a serious issue with his parents, give him some space. If after two weeks there are no news, treat this as a break up and start moving on. A man that loves you will tell his parents to either continue being his parents or get out of his life and will build a family with you. If he is more loyal to his current family than the one you two are supposed to create, do you really think he was ready to get married?

The fact that he never responded to me after I told him stuff in anger and frustration shows he is OK with the decision to move on... left me in a limbo.. I was so angry when he said he could not meet me till he tried to convince his parents who just stopped speaking to him because he told them about his intentions to marry me. It hurt me a lot.. And now no news. He posiibly realized that his parents matter more to him. And that that family is more dear to him than me.

joypulv · Jul 25, 2012, 03:45 AM

Wait - you'd been with this man less than 6 weeks when all this happened?
(Based on the dates you wrote about the last boyfriend.)
That's not really enough time to expect lifelong devotion and keeping of promises, despite what he might have been saying while in the romance stage. That's one reason why it's always a good idea to take what is said early on with caution.
Also, it's not clear whether he might have been working on his parents about the very important matter of whether the house is his to do what he wants with, when you lashed out at him in anger, thereby ruining chances of furthering the relationship.

talaniman · Jul 25, 2012, 06:10 AM

Two guys in two months and both end in failure. Hmm! Leave the guys alone for a while, take a break and be good to yourself.

Too much, too fast, crash and burn!

divineangel82 · Jul 25, 2012, 10:10 PM

Originally Posted by joypulv

Wait - you'd been with this man less than 6 weeks when all this happened?
(Based on the dates you wrote about the last boyfriend.)
That's not really enough time to expect lifelong devotion and keeping of promises, despite what he might have been saying while in the romance stage. That's one reason why it's always a good idea to take what is said early on with caution.
Also, it's not clear whether he might have been working on his parents about the very important matter of whether or not the house is his to do what he wants with, when you lashed out at him in anger, thereby ruining chances of furthering the relationship.

He was merely a friend at the point I was trying to get over my last relationship. And I didn't want to get into another. But this guy pursued me a lot and I did feel that things are moving too fast when he sent my pic to his parents, so I had to tell him that you need to know all these truths about me before you move ahead.
I did not lash out at him.. u have me mistaken... When he said he would not meet me till he gained approval from his parents, it did tick me off. Who knows how long it would take.. how can he not meet me at all.. we went from almost living together and being inseparable to talking on the phone for short durations. And he was adamant about it. Its unfair to me because I would be in the dark completely whenever he would go in his silent mode and not talk to me. I was vulnerable. Still am.And he bowed out so easily. So very sad and dissapointed.

divineangel82 · Jul 25, 2012, 10:15 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Two guys in two months and both end in failure. Hmm! Leave the guys alone for a while, take a break and be good to yourself.

Too much, too fast, crash and burn!

That's exactly what I had thought too.. But the lonliness is killing me... I miss him so much. Every thot reminds me of the time we had together. And I am shocked that it does not seem to effect him at all because he seems to be all OK and moved on with no hope of communicating with me.

talaniman · Jul 26, 2012, 08:34 AM

Please leave love and romance out of the equation for now and build a life you enjoy,to address your loneliness.

amicon · Jul 26, 2012, 08:41 AM

Having a relationship should be a bonus,not a ''must have'' to ''blot out'' loneliness.

Build a relationship with yourself first,learn to love and appreciate yourself-and be happy on your own-then you will attract a happy relationship.

divineangel82 · Jul 27, 2012, 02:26 AM

Originally Posted by amicon

Having a relationship should be a bonus,not a ''must have'' to ''blot out'' loneliness.

Build a relationship with yourself first,learn to love and appreciate yourself-and be happy on your own-then you will attract a happy relationship.

Yes you are right... I miss him a lot n that's what hurts a lot.

divineangel82 · Jul 31, 2012, 09:30 PM

Originally Posted by divineangel82

Yes you are right...I miss him a lot n thats what hurts a lot.

Its been 2 weeks now and he has not called or txtd me. Its over from his side too thts a confirmed fact. He could not even try for me.. Makes me think all this was a lie. His words, actions, commitments.. So disturbed.