Check out some similar questions!

hse102 · Jul 22, 2012, 02:03 AM

My boyfriend had a nonsexual affair with one of our colleagues and when confronted he lied and then later told what had happened, but the girl still talks to him, and tells him that she is madly in love with him. My boyfriend talks to her as well as I have told him to pretend that I don’t know anything as I don’t want this to ruin our relationship, he does take care of me and looks after me but he had a history of various affairs but none of them were anything more than a kiss.

He gets very annoyed if I ask him about his relation with our colleague and reacts very annoyed, so I don’t know if I should trust him or not. As the girl still calls him and he doesn’t answer the phone in front of me but she does talk to him at work and before he used to reply to her texts, and she does react like his love interest in front of him by pushing and flirting with him what should I do?

As my boyfriend and I are very much dependent on each other and people think that we are just perfect, I don’t want to lose him. But don’t want a cheater as well. When I ask him why he did this he replies he doesn’t know it, and it was a mistake and not my fault at all. But it’s hard to trust him. She does not answer her calls in front of me.

What do I do without hurting my life and dependency on him?

joypulv · Jul 22, 2012, 02:23 AM

You can't be 'dependent' on someone and issue demands as well. Why do you care that people think you are perfect together? You obviously aren't. You say you don't want to lose him, but you need to choose sometimes between what you wish you had in someone and what you are getting.

If you distrust him, you need to find a specific time to sit down and talk all about it so that it doesn't stretch out into lots of little petty jealousies, some probably unfounded, others maybe legit. Pretend you are both sitting in front of a couples counselor, and keep it calm and logical. You might want to start with the question 'when is harmless workplace flirting destructive to a relationship?' You say when he talks to her when you aren't around, and that's an issue to work on.
Many people argue that office flirting is healthy and vital to getting through the dreary day, and it's harmless. You need to define when harmless goes to far. Work on it together, on paper.
Keep in mind that jealousy IS annoying. Your jealousy is probably covering up hurt, and that is much better to express. 'It hurts to know you text her when I'm not around' rather than 'Why do you keep texting her behind my back?'
You also need to find out if he is missing anything in his relationship with you, any lack of appreciation and excitement. Ask him!

hse102 · Jul 23, 2012, 05:23 AM

Originally Posted by joypulv

You can't be 'dependent' on someone and issue demands as well. Why do you care that people think you are perfect together? You obviously aren't. You say you don't want to lose him, but you need to choose sometimes between what you wish you had in someone and what you are getting.

If you distrust him, you need to find a specific time to sit down and talk all about it so that it doesn't stretch out into lots of little petty jealousies, some probably unfounded, others maybe legit. Pretend you are both sitting in front of a couples counselor, and keep it calm and logical. You might want to start with the question 'when is harmless workplace flirting destructive to a relationship?' You say when he talks to her when you aren't around, and that's an issue to work on.
Many people argue that office flirting is healthy and vital to getting through the dreary day, and it's harmless. You need to define when harmless goes to far. Work on it together, on paper.
Keep in mind that jealousy IS annoying. Your jealousy is probably covering up hurt, and that is much better to express. 'It hurts to know you text her when I'm not around' rather than 'Why do you keep texting her behind my back?'
You also need to find out if he is missing anything in his relationship with you, any lack of appreciation and excitement. Ask him!

I did ask him a lot of times, and he says he doesn't want to tell me about the past as it hurts me, I have asked him a million times he says lets not destroy our present because of that and he said that there is nothing wrong with me and ihave been a great partner throughout and its all his fault and he gets very upset as I tell him things are not the same anymore, he did send me some cute comments on Facebook and the girl got jealous and called him for it, she said that what about all that post and was it meant to be against me as one of the post he send me just like that stated that "i know he is cute but but he is mine so touch him and i ll kill you", and she called him to say if it was meant for her and she got angry and disconnected the call, my boyfriend promised that he would not lie to me anymore and lied as he didn't wanted to remind me of it, but I still worry as I dontknow the exact reason he did that , how do I confront him as he never answer my questions staight or gets annoyed with me... I think he still loves me as we still go out and he has started to take more care and makes sure he takes me out and gets upset if I say things can't be normal, he also shows too much love too me in front of his friends these days.. I am confused as the girl behaves as she was more than what I know about them is it that she is obssesed with him as she had a breakup few months ago because of another girl and now she wnts him? And she had said to my boyfriend once when my boyfrnd said that he would never leave me and that she should get a boyfriend for herself she said that she doesn't want to have anything to do with me she just wants hime to be with her.. what does that mean?

joypulv · Jul 29, 2012, 11:28 AM

I'm afraid you are just sort of rambling over the same old issue with new stories and it's not helping.
I thought I gave a good solid suggestion, but it sounds like you allow him to dance all around the issue, and you are perhaps wishy washy about insisting on the importance of it.
We don't need to hear what she did or said on 10 different occasions, or how he reacted. We get it!
What YOU need to do is put your foot down, since you seem to have trouble working on a definition of what is OK. If he enjoys her rebound infatuation with him, he's a selfish jerk, and you need to take a 3 day vacation with family or a girlfriend and tell him that when you get back, you are breaking up with him unless she is 100% out of the picture.

talaniman · Jul 29, 2012, 03:26 PM

Who even needs a guy they cannot communicate with. Who keeps you in the dark, and lets another female attack yourself esteem?

hse102 · Aug 5, 2012, 03:07 AM

And another problem is.. It's sort of hurt me so much that I just can't get over it or can't leave him either, its been so long now.. as I feel breaking up is going to give the girl the joy she always wanted and I am going to end up with people pity on me. I don't think my boyfriend sees the other girl anymore but I have a feeling he is hiding something.. I know I should get over this but I just can't ! And that's why I need help and suggestion as I can't even share this with anybody else as a lot of people envy me.. and would love my misfortune.. How can I get the truth out of him just to let you know he is a great and fearless liar! But sometimes I do see sincerity... He is also my boss at work.. Though I helped him to reach there.. I know this is nagging but I just can't help my emotions!

joypulv · Aug 5, 2012, 04:48 AM

Then you are a slave to your own indecisions.
You are a slave to other peoples' opinion.
You are a victim of spite, not wanting the other woman to gloat if you leave (THAT is seriously about the silliest thing I've ever heard).
You still keep thinking you can get truth out of a liar.
You still won't let the past go, even though he's not seeing her anymore.
You are a victim and a slave, all because you think you must keep this relationship.

Fr_Chuck · Aug 5, 2012, 05:09 AM

First the past is the past, if you are always demanding to know about the past you will ruin the relationship.
You are far from in a perfect relationship in fact it is a lousily one by the way it sounds. You seem to think what other believe is too important

I would suggest counseling, since most of the issues and problems here are you. You are into how things appear, not what they really are.

hse102 · Aug 5, 2012, 07:18 PM

OK.. but I am very much dependent on him.. and as easily said it can't be easily done, and I still love him and he does that as well... but he did say that we have to be together for a year or so and then I could decide if I wanted to move on or stay with me(as we joint financial commitments) and he said that it frustrates him to see me in distress and why can't I forget everything and move on as he has told me everything! And if this goes on he wants me to take my time and be happy... but the other day when this girl told him that she had some things to tell like if she could confide in him with a secret.. and I said to my boyfriend when asked that it was OK for him to talk to her, but they couldn't finish what they were talking, so she later texted him that she wanted to talk to him.. then I asked my boyfriend you text back and ask or call her back.. he wanted to call her when insisted by me as the matter was about some other issues at work but wouldn't call her in my presence; when asked he said that I wouldn't like the way he talks to her like he has to extremely caring to know the secret of her! And he used the words "i have to pamper her" which I didn't like for obvious reasons... I know this is nagging but is there any way I could fix things as it always makes me wonder if my boyfriend is happy with me though he says he wants to be with only me.. but then he knew he was doing wrong by seeing that girl but he didn't stop.. and he said its just him he has stuffed up for himself by losing my trust.