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bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE · Jul 15, 2012, 07:17 PM

I would really like some insight from a dating/relationship expert on my story:

Back in September of 2011, I met this wonderful man through Facebook. We hit it off instantly through emails, texts, phone calls, skype, etc. We live about 2 hours from each other but distance didn't stop either one of us. Very soon into our dating relationship I'll call it, we became crazy for each other. There were however, red flags that I ignored. About 2 months into our relationship, we started to argue, but about the littlest things. I brushed it off because it's normal to argue in a relationship. Around March of this year, him and I decided it wasn't going to work because of distance and some small things but honestly, I was just following what he said. What I really felt was the total opposite. I really liked this guy. Since March, him and I would email and text, but that was all initiated by me. I confessed my love for him then, but he seemed so stand-offish about it. A little over a week ago, I found out he has been seeing someone else. I was in shock because I asked him if he was with someone else and his reply "I don't have time for girls."

My question is, why couldn't he of just told me that?

talaniman · Jul 15, 2012, 10:02 PM

Because he was playing a game his way, by his rules and he didn't think it was any of your business. The problem was you thought he was wonderful, and let the arguments go as "normal"?!

Another thing I can see is despite every thing, you assumed he was worthy of your heart, and he wasn't, and Mr. Wonderful was not honest, or forth right.

He is free to date others, as where you, unless an agreement was in place, otherwise this player was also a liar. That's the risk of dating though.

bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE · Jul 16, 2012, 06:15 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Because he was playing a game his way, by his rules and he didn't think it was any of your business. The problem was you thought he was wonderful, and let the arguments go as "normal"???!!!!

Another thing I can see is despite every thing, you assumed he was worthy of your heart, and he wasn't, and Mr. Wonderful was not honest, or forth right.

He is free to date others, as where you, unless an agreement was in place, otherwise this player was also a liar. Thats the risk of dating though.

So this whole time he didn't tell me he was seeing someone else, was a big game to him? I feel ashamed for even initiating contact, for even confessing my love blah blah blah.

I mean, what does he gain by not telling me he is seeing someone else?

NeedKarma · Jul 16, 2012, 06:17 AM

Wow, two hours isn't really a long distance relationship. What stopped both of you from occasionally meeting?

talaniman · Jul 16, 2012, 06:31 AM

Don't be ashamed by his actions, as its often the case after a 6 months to a year that we can see without the blindness of love, and start seeing and understanding the true nature, and character of the one we are involved with.

Ignoring the fact that you were doing all the work didn't help, but you were hopeful it would pay off. It always sucks when it doesn't, but don't beat yourself up over it. While this experiment failed, it had its fun, and you take the lessons learned to the next experiment.

Trust me, you will be more aware of those red flags, question more, and be more practical when it comes to romance.

I mean, what does he gain by not telling me he is seeing someone else?

Freedom to date others, and have more than one option, and opportunities for romance. Lets be fair, what was the agreement and status between you both?

bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE · Jul 16, 2012, 07:14 AM

Originally Posted by NeedKarma

Wow, two hours isn't really a long distance relationship. What stopped both of you from occasionally meeting?

I work full time as does he. My job is Monday through Friday so every Friday, I would drive to see him. His job required a little more of his attention than mine (a cop) but he still came to see me when he could.

bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE · Jul 16, 2012, 07:18 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Don't be ashamed by his actions, as its often the case after a 6 months to a year that we can see without the blindness of love, and start seeing and understanding the true nature, and character of the one we are involved with.

Ignoring the fact that you were doing all the work didn't help, but you were hopeful it would pay off. It always sucks when it doesn't, but don't beat yourself up over it. While this experiment failed, it had its fun, and you take the lessons learned to the next experiment.

Trust me, you will be more aware of those red flags, question more, and be more practical when it comes to romance.

Freedom to date others, and have more than one option, and opportunities for romance. Lets be fair, what was the agreement and status between you both?

Like I mentioned in my original post, we both agreed it wouldn't work because of distance and some small problems but that's not how I really felt. I was following his wishes. Afterwards, we would email/text but those were initiated by me. Some of his texts/emails suggested he still had feelings for me while others made it seem like I was just a part of his past. I would get those hints then would ask him if he was seeing someone else. He denied anything. Had he told me he was seeing someone else, I would've stopped contact a long time ago.

NeedKarma · Jul 16, 2012, 07:20 AM

Oh so you did get together. That wasn't clear, sorry. Meeting each other in real life is always a requirement before you let your emotions get the better of you. Some men (and some women) simply are looking for someone to "play with" as opposed to looking for someone to bond with. Unfortunate but true.

JudyKayTee · Jul 16, 2012, 07:23 AM

Why do some people play games and others don't? I think this is nothing new, and it's not a male OR female thing.

Everyone knows someone who at some point was dating and found out the other person was living with someone, married, seeing someone else.

Years ago I was at an outdoor event when a woman came racing over and hugged my date - then he introduced her. She was his wife. To this day I have no idea who she thought I was or why I was with him or anything in between. Me? I would have brained him and then had a few words for me. She was very civil. I had the distinct feeling this was nothing new to them - and it was the end of that budding relationship. How can anyone lie like that? Who knows!

I truly don't know who a person believes and trusts.

I'm getting cynical.

talaniman · Jul 16, 2012, 07:25 AM

You stop contact when you agree to end it. Especially if its only you doing the contacting. Then you don't get those mixed signals, and false hope.

bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE · Jul 16, 2012, 07:51 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

You stop contact when you agree to end it. Especially if its only you doing the contacting. Then you don't get those mixed signals, and false hope.

Yes I should have never contacted him but I did because my feelings were so strong and I had to let him know.

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Why do some people play games and others don't? I think this is nothing new, and it's not a male OR female thing.

Everyone knows someone who at some point was dating and found out the other person was living with someone, married, seeing someone else.

Years ago I was at an outdoor event when a woman came racing over and hugged my date - then he introduced her. She was his wife. To this day I have no idea who she thought I was or why I was with him or anything in between. Me? I would have brained him and then had a few words for me. She was very civil. I had the distinct feeling this was nothing new to them - and it was the end of that budding relationship. How can anyone lie like that? Who knows!

I truly don't know who a person believes and trusts.

I'm getting cynical.

I wish he didn't play games and just told me from the get-go. He may have been talking to her while we were dating too but I cannot confirm that. Perhaps I was his back-up in case they don't work out, which is why he replied to my texts/emails or he didn't want to be rude.

talaniman · Jul 16, 2012, 07:59 AM

I think you will also learn that he is not responsible for your feelings, or actions, and self control is a necessity in the world of romance, and relationships.

bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE · Jul 16, 2012, 08:03 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I think you will also learn that he is not responsible for your feelings, or actions, and self control is a necessity in the world of romance, and relationships.

You're right. He is not responsible whatsoever. Just would have been nice if he told me. Would have saved me a lot of not wasting my time.

JudyKayTee · Jul 16, 2012, 08:30 AM

Originally Posted by bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE

You're right. He is not responsible whatsoever. Just would of been nice if he told me. Would of saved me a lot of not wasting my time.

And, quite honestly, I would be hurt. I've had relationships that didn't work. I truly wouldn't change anything EXCEPT the amount of time I wasted.

I was once told that the grief when a relationship ends (and I'm not saying you are grieving) is more about the loss of the person you THOUGHT the other person was than about losing that person.

NeedKarma · Jul 16, 2012, 08:38 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I was once told that the grief when a relationship ends (and I'm not saying you are grieving) is more about the loss of the person you THOUGHT the other person was than about losing that person.

Very true.

bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE · Jul 16, 2012, 08:49 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

And, quite honestly, I would be hurt. I've had relationships that didn't work. I truly wouldn't change anything EXCEPT the amount of time I wasted.

I was once told that the grief when a relationship ends (and I'm not saying you are grieving) is more about the loss of the person you THOUGHT the other person was than about losing that person.

This is very true. Never thought of it this way.