[indianamomof4]

My God I need help. I can't believe I am putting this out there in an online forum, but I feel very alone in this situation.

Brief background: divorced 7 years-- remarried a year ago. I have 4 kids and my husband has 3. One of my kids went to live with his dad not even a year ago because he has needs beyond the other kids and my work schedule doesn't give me the one on one time with him that's needed. Oldest son stopped seeing his dad 2.5 years ago, refused to go to his house any more. His dad is an A$$ to the nth degree-- took me to court about it, new husband paid the bill to fight my ex and allow my son to stay with us, but court did order counseling for son (can't believe not for his dad). Dad is very vindictive, vengeful, and for some reason would do anything to see me suffer, even using the kids. The woman he's married to now is worse. She hates me. Long story there...

So, for 2.5 years new husband and I support my teenage son. He's with us always. We try to make up for what dad is doing, such as not calling him, no cards, no birthday gifts, no nothing. His whole family on that side cut him off completely for 2.5 years. We did what we could to make it better for him. Dad even sent gifts to the other kids on holidays with their names on them, but nothing for the oldest son. So sad.

New husband is all about order. He's used to that and he came into my life that was chaos. I was not/am not an effective parent. I'm a victim of my own upbringing, which was harsh and abusive. So, I wasn't. I didn't demand respect, so my kids basically were out of control. He has helped me get control over the kids to some degree and for 2 years the oldest was doing really well. Then something changed...

He became violent, abusive, disrespectful. This was when he was about 14 1/2, right about the time his brother left to live with his dad. Keep in mind dad has much more than me, materialistically, financially. Son is materialistic, and very jealous. He would spout off, get really mad at me when he didn't get his way or got punished. Several times husband would intervene with "you don't talk to your mom like that" or "it is not acceptable to treat your brother like that". Husband would really push me to give a punishment and stick to it, which made son really mad. I am a pushover. Husband is definitely the opposite (with my kids, not his own... ).

So, it went down badly a few days ago. I was gone for the day. We had 6 and 7 kids in the house for an entire week during the heatwave. Husband's mom was ill, one of my kids broke a wrist, loss of sleep, stress and more stress. Then oldest son decides to spend time with his dad for the first time over the 4th of July. Two days... he comes home and all hell broke loose. (by the way, son is quite a bit bigger than husband)

The three girls go to get husband telling him that son is hurting the other son who broke his wrist. The girls were frantic. Husband runs upstairs and hears, "I"m going to KILL YOU" out of oldest son and hears second son screaming. Finds the door locked. Breaks through it and sees oldest son hovered over other son, who was in a chair against the wall. My third son was in the room, observing, huddled in a closet because he was scared. Husband physically grabs oldest son and thrusts him to the side to see what was going on.

Son got enraged and lunged at husband, pinning him against the wall, husband is pushing back, and holding son by the throat, sort of.... they just stay like that. Son tells husband something like, "Do you ever want to see your kids again?" tells husband that he assaulted him, to get out of the house, etc. Husband tells son to call his dad and leave.

So.... I was too far away to get there quick enough. Son did leave, did end up going with dad, who, in all his fatherly glory, took son to the police station to file charges. Police wouldn't file charges because there were no marks. Husband called police too, and they came to the house took statement from third son in the room who saw the whole thing. Third son did say that the oldest son "lost his mind" and "went after [his stepfather]".

Oldest and second son left together... that's what they do. Police noted the size difference between son and stepfather... no marks. Son claims he was choked. Son claims stepfather had no right to physically move him off his brother, that he was just screaming at his brother.

Now husband says son is never welcome in the house again. He's never allowed near him or his kids. Son says he's not coming home unless husband is gone. Son thinks I don't love him because I won't make husband leave... my son WAS wrong... he had no right to do either thing. I am so confused. Son doesn't want to leave his school, his girlfriend... it's a freaking mess. Ex husband loves court, and took son to file an order of protection against stepfather. I fear he will also try to get full custody of all kids claiming unfit environment.

What the heck am I going to do??

[JudyKayTee]

Honestly, this is more of a blog and less than a question.

I think I understand the important points.

I have stepkids - five of them. For whatever reason your situation is out of control. I don't know if you can rein any of this back in.

Me? I'd let the children live with their father. If ONE of my stepchildren threatened me (or put his/her hands on me) he/she would be out the door.

Who comes first on your list? Husband or child(ren)?

Go for counselling.

[buterkup2]

You may have to remove them from the environment, but you don't abandon them. They are still your children. He may need removal from the situation for a short time while dealing with the root cause. I would suggest counseling for your son and probably family counseling. Do what is right by your son. What would you and your husband do if it was one of his kids?

[JudyKayTee]

You may have to remove them from the environment, but you don't abandon them. They are still your children. He may need removal from the situation for a short time while dealing with the root cause. I would suggest counseling for your son and probably family counseling. Do what is right by your son. What would you and your husband do if it was one of his kids?

Here's my problem - you are in a situation with a boyfriend, not a husband, sounds like your kids are not happy, and you can't decide what to do. It's a lot easier to make a break from a boyfriend than a husband from a purely legal standpoint.

What do you believe "right by your son" entails? You did read that he assaulted her husband (and possibly his brothers) and made a lightly veiled death threat, right?

[indianamomof4]

Actually he is my husband. We got married a year ago.

Husband and I have been in counseling, just us, which was started recently to deal with issues with the kids (he's frustrated that my kids don't behave--mostly the older two). I am asking my oldest son to go with me to a session, just he and I.

I did ask my husband what he would do if his son did something like this. How would he react if I said "your son isn't welcome here any more". His son is only just turning 12, so who knows what he will be like once puberty hits.