[buterkup2]

My boyfriend and I are both in our 30's. The first 2 years were great. We lived together up until 8 months ago when he left me and his way of telling me was a Dear John letter. No forwarding address. Nothing. Not even a goodbye to the kids.

Since then I just can't seem to let him back in my life. Our relationship has been full of chaos the last few years. Anything from Dear John letters on the table with no forwarding address to cops showing up and taking him away because someone called the cops when they heard the yelling. When we argue I have to frequently remind him to not make a scene in front of the neighbors. It is to the point to where I go inside when he even begins to show signs of a scene and shut the door because I'm tired of the embarrassment. We were at a party once and after a disagreement he just throws me the keys and starts walking down the road. He tried to make me get out of his truck once, has tried to leave me stranded telling me to find someone else to take me home or call my ex. Who does this?

He has blamed a lot of it on being an "emotional" person and his difficulty in dealing with my ex-husband. Oh and alcohol. But the leaving episodes I'm pretty sure he was sober. He had promised he was over it and getting past it then 2 weeks ago he got upset again when my ex and I took my daughter to drop her off at college. He was invited to go but declined. This was a very anxiety producing day for me already. Upon returning my boyfriend showed up in my driveway, drunk. Luckily no kids were home. Telling me how "wrong I was", yelling "admit it", called me a liar, "be a real woman", "stop letting your ex control you", "grow some balls", then after many other hurtful phrases I made him leave. He was putting on a show for my neighbors. He then drove off while flipping me off and yelling "*itch"! Later calls me from a bar asking me what did I do because 2 men there were looking at him funny, then later got a dui.

I do care for him, and if I thought it was fixable I would. But it feels abusive. It feels so unhealthy. And it doesn't seem good for my kids. Because even though none of this occurs around them, I know they have to sense the tension and stress in me when dealing with it later. He wants us to go to therapy and work on it together. It hurts to let him go, but I would rather let him go now than to prolong what feels like the inevitable.

Forever I have felt like I did things to make him act out like this. Maybe it is me, but lately I am thinking it isn't.

[Fr_Chuck]

You posted this in Forum helps, where you post questions on how to use this site.

I have moved it to help you find someone to answer your question

But fix what, you have to have a relationship to fix, I don't see anything here that even shows something worth working on

[talaniman]

Seems to me, you should be celebrating your freedom, and the opportunity to do better, with some one better... much, much better.

Let him fix himself.

[buterkup2]

I don't understand everything yet. Or even myself. I have lived in total confusion for so long. I got so consumed with him and why he has done what he has done to me. The first few years was nothing but lies that blew up big time. Then chaos and crazy situations. He was hiding the fact that he was still married and occasionally seeing that wife. Then told me he loved me blah blah. I fell for it. I just don't understand how someone can want to consume you, spend every moment with you, do anything for you, but then be so destructive and damaging to that same person. Then I don't understand why I have put up with it. I have been seeing a therapist because my stress levels have been so high that I was having chest pain and felt mentally crazy. I've tried to break up with him, but I can't seem to completely cut all ties. Which gives him an open window to get in my ear and me a chance to unleash my anger. I am still very angry with him for many things. And I am angry at myself. At times I feel so drained of all physical energy. I've been sick for the last few months quite a bit. Naps are a must. Doctor thinks the stress has just caught up to me. I feel emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. If I have to think about what to do with this relationship one more day I think I may explode.

[buterkup2]

You posted this in Forum helps, where you post questions on how to use this site.

I have moved it to help you find someone to answer your questoin

But fix what, you have to have a relationship to fix, I don't see anything here that even shows something worth working on

This may sound silly to you. Cause you said that like it was obvious but apparently I am missing the boat. What do you mean there isn't a relationship to fix?

[Wondergirl]

Where's the relationship? What is this guy giving? What is his effort?

[buterkup2]

Where's the relationship? What is this guy giving? What is his effort?

He is usually there when I need him. He usually mows my grass and helps fix things around the house. Or tries to. He wants to spend every moment together to the point of smothering me. Is that what you mean?

[mmresd]

Read what you just wrote... do you want this to continue? Do you want to keep living that way? Tell him to leave, get a restraining order if you have to and continue living your life, this example is horrible for your children. It is time to move on, therapy won't do anything if he is not wanting to change, and if he did, he would have done so already.

Also I would rather have to pay $30 every 2-3 weeks for the lawn mowed and not have to see a person like that, along with not feeling smothered.

[buterkup2]

I honestly don't think I would know a healthy relationship if it smacked me in the face. I have been seeing a counselor to make heads or tails of what is going on in my head. He says that I don't trust him and that I don't give him my heart. But it is hard to give it to someone who has stomped all over it again and again. Then I hear how I have hurt him. And how he is willing to let it go, so why can't I? Because I can't trust him anymore. He started therapy but quit after 3 sessions cause he couldn't afford it. Makes me feel like I am the stumbling block to what he says can be the greatest relationship ever. I stopped letting him do things for me. Stopped relying on him for help. He took this as insult. But my therapist said it is time to take care of myself so I can see things more clearly.

Read what you just wrote... do you want this to continue? Do you want to keep living that way? Tell him to leave, get a restraining order if you have to and continue living your life, this example is horrible for your children. It is time to move on, therapy won't do anything if he is not wanting to change, and if he did, he would have done so already.

Also I would rather have to pay $30 every 2-3 weeks for the lawn mowed and not have to see a person like that, along with not feeling smothered.

Just want to hurry and see what I am suppose to see.

[LadySam]

If this has you so stressed that you are physically sick and mentally distraught, then I don't know why you would even entertain the idea of allowing him to hang around.
The kid next door could mow the grass, for that matter if you were without him and well you could probably do it yourself.
I don't see much of a man from what you've written and a few chores and smothering you (possessive) you seem to be the one paying the price and that price is your health first and foremost. Not worth it.
IMO you need to gather your dignity and self respect and kick him to the curb.
Let him entertain someone else's neighbors.
It feels abusive and unhealthy because it is.

[buterkup2]

If this has you so stressed that you are physically sick and mentally distraught, then I don't know why you would even entertain the idea of allowing him to hang around.
The kid next door could mow the grass, for that matter if you were without him and well you could probably do it yourself.
I don't see much of a man from what you've written and a few chores and smothering you (possessive) you seem to be the one paying the price and that price is your health first and foremost. Not worth it.
IMO you need to gather your dignity and self respect and kick him to the curb.
Let him entertain someone else's neighbors.
It feels abusive and unhealthy because it is.

He tells me that it is me that is keeping us from being "happy". Because I won't "give him my whole heart" or "trust him". Those take time to build. He seems inpatient with this process and pushes it sometimes. Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me. That maybe I am incapable of a healthy relationship. Maybe I created this because I can't just forget. I can forgive, forgetting is different.

[LadySam]

I agree, forgiving is one thing and forgetting is entirely different.
But I think you are being manipulated and emotionally abused.
Alcohol is a major player here I think, and obviously I can only read your side of the story.
But unless his life was in danger if he faced you, a dear John letter is a cowardly thing to do.
And that's just for starters.
Trying to put you out of the truck to fend for yourself.
Not revealing that he was married and continuing that relationship.
Not being able to "handle" an ex husband. You have children with that man you are forever connected, seems childish to me.
Disrespecting and cursing you with your neighbors watching and listening.
Placing the relationship woes on your head and yours alone, owning none of that himself when he obviously has problems.
I'll stop now because I am basically describing my second husband (aside from the being married) and those are not good memories for me.
In the end the choice is yours, but I think you should take a looong step back and look at this person and this relationship long and hard.

[mmresd]

I honestly don't think I would know a healthy relationship if it smacked me in the face. I have been seeing a counselor to make heads or tails of what is going on in my head. He says that I don't trust him and that I don't give him my heart. But it is hard to give it to someone who has stomped all over it again and again. Then I hear how I have hurt him. and how he is willing to let it go, so why can't I? Because I can't trust him anymore. he started therapy but quit after 3 sessions cause he couldn't afford it. makes me feel like I am the stumbling block to what he says can be the greatest relationship ever. I stopped letting him do things for me. stopped relying on him for help. He took this as insult. But my therapist said it is time to take care of myself so I can see things more clearly.



just want to hurry up and see what I am suppose to see.

You have already seen and felt what you needed to see, it is your denial about this man's character that is making you feel stuck, is all in your mind. Grab control of your life and make a decision that this is not a good situation to be in for either yourself or your kid.

[buterkup2]

I agree, forgiving is one thing and forgetting is entirely different.
But I think you are being manipulated and emotionally abused.
Alcohol is a major player here I think, and obviously I can only read your side of the story.
But unless his life was in danger if he faced you, a dear John letter is a cowardly thing to do.
And that's just for starters.
Trying to put you out of the truck to fend for yourself.
Not revealing that he was married and continuing that relationship.
Not being able to "handle" an ex husband. You have children with that man you are forever connected, seems childish to me.
Disrespecting and cursing you with your neighbors watching and listening.
Placing the relationship woes on your head and yours alone, owning none of that himself when he obviously has problems.
I'll stop now because I am basically describing my second husband (aside from the being married) and those are not good memories for me.
In the end the choice is yours, but I think you should take a looong step back and look at this person and this relationship long and hard.

I feel very manipulated sometimes. Everything you said, he just doesn't understand. And I am realizing he never will.

[talaniman]

No he won't.

[buterkup2]

QUOTE by mmresd;
You have already seen and felt what you needed to see, it is your denial about this man's character that is making you feel stuck, is all in your mind. Grab control of your life and make a decision that this is not a good situation to be in for either yourself or your kid

For some reason it is hard to completely let go. Which makes no sense to me. I have that small voice that says "what if".

[martinizing2]

QUOTE by buterkup2;
For some reason it is hard to completely let go. Which makes no sense to me. I have that small voice that says "what if".

It is always hard to let go and face the reality of the end. Love does not turn off like a light switch , it is more like the slow fading of a fire and takes time.

It will not be fast or easy but time will heal the wound and the pain will fade and the little voice stops.

Be assured you are doing the right thing for you and everyone involved and I wish you well.