[Amy Donatella]

Is there any way to save a marriage when one demands a divorce?

[Amy Donatella]

My husband and I are in our late 40's and have been married for nearly 14 years. About 8 years ago I started to have some "female problems". Over the course of 2-3 years, I had 6 laser surgeries, a hysterectomy, followed 6 months later by a re-opening of the hysterectomy incision to remove my ovaries. I felt and feel gutted and de-feminized.
I didn't really realize at first that I was pulling away... but I did. I eventually pushed his touch away (touches that implied sex), we still hugged, held hands, embraced. I never meant to push "him" away or damage our relationship (which seemed fine in every other area).
Recently, I had to spend a month out of the country for research, he was to join me at the end for a nice vacation. When he met up with me in Europe, he asked for a divorce. I was and am stunned and horrified. When I left, we were planning things to do over the summer, work on our house, do home repairs and renovations, and talking about "our" future. Our kids (which he adopted, their bio-father is deceased) are grown and live across the country--but they, and the few people we have shared this with, are dumbfounded. No one, including me, saw this coming.
I love this man more than I can say. He says he loves me too, but our relationship has turned rather platonic, with no intimacy. I never wanted to lose intimacy. And, its horrible no even being able to touch him.
I have set up a doctor's appointment, and he did agree to meet with a counselor. We had our first meeting a few nights ago... most of the discussion was focused on my "shutting down". He told them (counselor team) that yes he wanted a divorce (the thought of which still rips me apart), but he did agree to go back to the next meeting (a positive sign?)
I don't want him unhappy, but I feel our relationship, home, and family, is too precious to give up without a fight. Is there anything I can, should, or shouldn't do?
Please, I am desperate for help.

[Fr_Chuck]

No, if one demands one, if they will not agree to try to go to counseling, to try a trial separation, there is nothing the other side can do.

[JudyKayTee]

AMHD just ate my answer - again.

I had a hysterectomy at a young age. I never felt de-feminized, gutted, anything else. You need to talk to someone - you are more than a uterus and ovaries.

Are you saying there has been no sex in your marriage of 8 years and you are in your late 40's? At one point you say you turned his touch away but you never intended there to be no intimacy. These seem like conflicting statements to me.

Maybe he's going to counselling to see if the marriage can be saved. Maybe he's going so you will have peace of mind because he intends to leave. Maybe it's something in between. The painful truth is that maybe he has met someone who doesn't shrink from his touch.

Sex isn't everything - my late husband was an invalid for 5 years. I know the frustration, but we never pulled away from each other.

I think you need to address your issues and solve them before you can even begin to work on your marriage.

It sounds like your husband has been lonely for a long time and planning vacations, your future together, home repairs and renovations are not enough to fill up his life.

I think the two of you have a big problem with communication - he is presumably within your reach but instead of asking him why he's continuing counselling you post here and ask us.

Ask him - presumably he knows!