[Zion101]

I'm not sure exactly what this site is for.. but I'm just looking for some advice on this.

My girlfriend whome I want to marry.Shes 24. She is a troubled person. Has a lot of hurt inside her because she was sexualy abused by her father. She has trouble opening up and when she does she pushes me away. Her family wants her to be with someone else. Not that I'm not good enough. Its just that the other guy has a job and a car. Im still a student. Im 22.

The thing is she wants to go overseas but She doesn't want to leave me.I can't go with her at this time for personal reasons. Her family doesn't want to let me and her be together. She was with the other guy because the family wanted to turn their back on her.. But she got tired of doing things she didn't want to and stopped. She lied to me about all of this. Was scared of losing me.

I don't know what to do. I told her to go overseas. That way we might still have a chance one day to be together and her family won't rule her life. But I'm scared of what will happen to her. She is emotionally unstable.

Im not sure what to do about her. The fact that she has such a troubled past has caused her to be someone she doesn't want to be. She needs help but doesn't want to be helped. She has hurt me so many times.

I guess what I'm looking for is the answer to a question that is not there. If someone knows anything about people who were sexually abused as a child. Can someone just tell me how to handle them. How to understand them. I want to try.

[JoeCanada76]

First of somebody that has been sexually abused. There is no way ever to understand what they are going through. You can have an idea, but unless she opens up you will never have an idea exactly what is going on with her.

You will never ever really know what she has gone through unless you were abused yourself and abuse just does not happen with girls or women, it also happens to boys and guys.

The person that was abused or is being abused. Usually have a deep feeling of guilt. They are usually emotionally unstable as you have said. Meaning they do try to put a wall up to protect themselves. It can cause problems with relationships, it can also turn into eating disorders as a way of coping with the abuse they have gone through. Many many abused women blame themselves for thinking that they let it happen and that they should have stopped it, but it is hard because majority of people who are abused, are abused by somebody they know.

As far as her not wanting anybody to help her. That is her choice. You need to be there as a friend and boyfriend. Support her emotionally and physically. Be understanding that with abuse, she will find it hard to truly trust somebody until she realizes that she will never ever be close to somebody if she does not open up and let somebody in. You need to be gentle and patient with her no matter how long it takes. If you truly love her.

You can not force somebody to get help. You can always suggest it but can not force somebody. They need to figure out on their own that they need to get help. Counseling is defiantly a must and should be a suggestion but it has to be her choice to make.

As far as family goes. Oh, they want her to be with somebody that has a car and money. Oh I know this type of family and I have dealt with a few of them like that in my past. It is up to her if she is going to listen to her family or not. It is up to her to stand up to them or not. Yes, it is good to be financially secure, but you can not buy love eighter. This other guy might have these things but could be a complete thug. It seems to me that the parents are not good judge in character anyway.

As you are encouraging her to go overseas, I think that is good. It will get her a chanch to get away from everything and maybe that is exactly what she needs. She needs to find her own way in life without feeling any pressure from anybody, that is including you.

How to handle them, you put it into words that sounds a bit off to me. If you truly love someone, it is not about handling them. It is about being patient, it is about being understanding. If your unable to be that to her then honestly right now is not a good time for a relationship.

Hope this helps you out. Just remember there are no guarantees, and yes you sound concerned but it is best for her to make her own decisions in life whatever they may be. It is up to you if you want to be part of that or not. Whether just as a friend or more or maybe nothing at all.

Joe

[chuff]

It sounds like she has a lot of personal issues to resolve that nobody around her knows how to or can handle helping her with. I think you should try to recommend some therapy to her. Even if she refuses, which it sounds like she already has, it still lets her know it's an option and it's okay to seek help.

Going overseas sounds like a great idea because it would allow her time to be truly away from her family and friends for the first time and perhaps allow her to really discover who she is. It sounds like she's not sure at this point.

As far as you go, you have to focus on your future and just be patient with her. You said she opens up then pushes away which I'm sure is a defense mechinism telling her not to get to close to people or she's going to wind up hurt. I think the way to overcome that is just with time. You have to be rock solid and just let her come back to you after she pushes away.