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    NowWhat's Avatar
    NowWhat Posts: 1,634, Reputation: 264
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    #1

    Mar 1, 2007, 09:48 AM
    Telling your child your getting a divorce
    I have a 6 yr. old. My husband and I are considering divorce. I have NO IDEA how to tell my child this. She loves her father so much and is sad even if he is late coming home from work at night. If we divorce, she and I will be moving over 700 miles away to start over.
    We did agree that if this is the path we take, we want to tell her together.
    I have been researching this subject and the most common thing I have found is never tell your child that Mom and Dad don't love each other anymore. I get that.
    But, what do you say?:(
    heather83's Avatar
    heather83 Posts: 92, Reputation: 4
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    #2

    Mar 1, 2007, 01:55 PM
    This is a really hard question to answer. I've been thinking about it, and can't come up with anything. All I can say it that it would depend on her age or maturity level. But you need to be honest with her about it. She doesn't need to know all the details, but just reassure her that you both love her very much and don't try to give her the inclination that you two do still love each other, because that will only create more confusion. My parents divorced when I was younger, but our situation was a lot different. My dad was abusive and I witnessed it. But it was hard on my sisters and little brother. She'll have questions, but just try to answer them as simply and as honestly as possible.
    I hope that helps even just a little. Sorry I couldn't give you any really good advice.
    Squiffy's Avatar
    Squiffy Posts: 499, Reputation: 84
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    #3

    Mar 1, 2007, 02:00 PM
    700 miles away from her father, that is a very bad idea. Is there no way you could stay nearer together, at least for a few years? As for telling her, I think honesty is best. Tell her that mummy and daddy still like each other but don't want to live together anymore. You need to stress it is not her fault. My kids are four and five and me and their father are in the middle of divorce at the moment. It is a bit easier on them as we have been separated for 3 years. My daughter remembers us together, and remembers that daddy made mummy cry, but our son doesn't remember any of it. They know we are getting a divorce, and that means we won't be married anymore, any questions they ask I answer as truthfully as I know how. Its hard sometimes though.
    NowWhat's Avatar
    NowWhat Posts: 1,634, Reputation: 264
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    #4

    Mar 1, 2007, 02:06 PM
    We would have to move - my entire family is in another state. I have been a stay at home mom for over 6 years. I am going to have to move back in with my parents in order to provide for my daughter. So, there really is no way around moving.
    My husband is going to try and move closer. We have our house on the market right now anyway. I know it is going to be hard on both of them. The out of state visitation is only one weekend a month. I feel like he should get to see her when ever he wants - that could only help her.
    I just know that my child is not going to come out of this the same little girl that she is now and it kills me!
    RubyPitbull's Avatar
    RubyPitbull Posts: 3,575, Reputation: 648
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    #5

    Mar 1, 2007, 04:53 PM
    Nowwhat, what is sticking in my mind here is that you say that you both are "considering divorce". You also mention, "if we divorce". So, this tells me that you both are discussing it and it is not a done deal yet.

    I don't want to assume anything but, are you both seeing a marriage counselor about this? If so, I would suggest speaking with your counselor. They advise people all the time as to how to go about explaining a split properly to your child. If you haven't been to one, I think it might benefit both you and your husband to find one in your area before you completely throw in the towel. If either of you has any desire to make a last ditched attempt to save your marriage, seeing one would allow you an objective perspective. If you past the point of saving the marriage, then again, an objective perspective will help you both work through this split in the fairest manner and to allow you to work together to help your daughter accept this as quickly and with as little pain as possible.

    I hope this helps. Good Luck!
    Lowtax4eva's Avatar
    Lowtax4eva Posts: 2,467, Reputation: 190
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    #6

    Mar 1, 2007, 05:09 PM
    Just don't do what a friend did

    "you like christmas right? Well how would you like 2 christmases..."

    Bad idea.. actually, it might work!
    hoosiergirl65's Avatar
    hoosiergirl65 Posts: 27, Reputation: 2
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    #7

    Feb 23, 2010, 11:14 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by NowWhat View Post
    We would have to move - my entire family is in another state. I have been a stay at home mom for over 6 years. I am going to have to move back in with my parents in order to provide for my daughter. So, there really is no way around moving.
    My husband is going to try and move closer. We have our house on the market right now anyways. I know it is going to be hard on both of them. The out of state visitation is only one weekend a month. I feel like he should get to see her when ever he wants - that could only help her.
    I just know that my child is not going to come out of this the same little girl that she is now and it kills me!
    All I know is if I got cheated concerning time with my child because an ex "had" to move 700 miles away when that ex does not have a job outside the home and thinks she/he has to live with family I would be furious! NOW that being said the ONLY reason this would be okay in my opinion is if you are being abused, disabled, mentally or physically ill, homeschooling, or anything similar. Wanting to be a stay at home mom to a school-aged child and move 700 miles away from the dad she adores so you can move back in with family is selfish on your part, in my opinion. LOTS of families live that far apart (talking everyone but ex here). If there are no other reasons than the 2 you stated then you need to realize that getting a job or second job after divorce is almost a necessity these days. Those 2 reasons are not "needs" but "wants". And how are you going to "provide" for your daughter without your own income after the divorce? You think you can make it solely on child support payments? Guess again. It would be TOUGH and I don't know about your state but in Indiana you must provide child/children with as close to the "comforts of home" as you did before the divorce. There are reasons to not move, unlike you said. Yes it is great for your child when you can live close to extended family but her Dad must come first. You need to be more independent, you can do it. Good Luck and just put that little girl FIRST... ;)
    becky_two's Avatar
    becky_two Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Mar 2, 2010, 03:10 AM

    Not many articles online about this but I found this one with advice on How to tell your child about divorce. Two of the key points I think are firstly, try not to be negative about your former partner and secondly, encourage your child to talk about how this makes them feel.
    shadoushka's Avatar
    shadoushka Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
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    #9

    Jan 26, 2011, 01:27 PM
    My husband is alcoholic, happy drinker, my daughter loves him so much specially when he is tipsy and makes her laugh and plays with her like a clown.
    I hate him when he is silly but I've been keeping myself calm for past 7 years when I see my daughter is happy with her Dad.
    She is 5 years old and very sensitive, I am sure the day will come when she won't find him funny anymore and wishes that her dad be more serious rather than funny and happy and silly.
    I think if that day would come I will decide to separate from him for my own sake.
    The best way I think to tell to my daughter that her dad is working and has to be away for a while. Once she gets used to the idea, I will slowly talk to her and let her know that her dad is for her any time she needs him and he will visit us in regular bases.
    The best way is to say things slowly, be careful that they don't feel you are upset. Show her that you are happy and nothing will change.
    Try to act on the phone or when you see him, be friendly as possible, smile back to him and just be three of you together for dinner or lunch.
    This is my plan anyway and I hope it works for both of us.
    If you be close to him it is better idea.
    NowWhat's Avatar
    NowWhat Posts: 1,634, Reputation: 264
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    #10

    Jan 29, 2011, 12:53 PM

    Thanks everyone for your advice. My husband and I are still together and about to celebrate our 15th anniversary!

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