[NowWhat]

I feel like I am living in a bubble. Holding on to the life I thought I once had. He is still in our home and things seem normal. Kind of like the calm before the storm. We play games with our daughter, have dinner as a family - those kinds of things. I have an appointment with my attorney this morning and I am truly afraid. Everything that is being said here makes perfect sense to me. And I did believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater" Until it happened to me. I never thought my husband was capable of inflicting so much hurt on me.
You know, I had trust issues before any of this ever happened. Every man/boy that I had ever dated before I met my husband cheated on me. EVERY LAST ONE! I am really looking into myself and wondering what it is about me that makes people think they can do this to me. Am I stupid? Not good enough? Ugly? What is it??
And now, to have it happening with the person I have given 100% of myself and heart to, it's too much. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and I can't breath and I want the pain to stop. I want my husband back - the man I thought he was. And a part of me knows that that may never be possible because that person is gone.
But, I have always tried to see the good in everyone - look for a silver lining in every situtation - that is who I am - and I am desperatly trying to find that now.
I know that I must sound so dumb to all of you - I am just trying to make sense of something that is so foreign to me. So I am sorry if I contiune to ramble.

I have never been emotionally unstable, I handle what life throws at me and I move on, but now, I cry all the time. I can't identify my thoughts as to what is real and what is fantasy. I am a broken - lost person.

[kay13]

Hi there, you sound like such a good person and you are blaming something lacking in you that has made him do this terrible thing. Please try not to. You are still the same person you always was, and it's time to be nice to yourself.

I understand your pain, and whatever you decide to do it will be a long hard road. What happens when people lie is that more lies emerge at regular intervals that hurt just as much as the first lie.

I have finally managed to put my pain to rest by cutting my husband out of my life. It's the only thing that has worked for me, the only thing to heal me and my pain.
Good luck. X

[valinors_sorrow]

You are living in a bubble, but it needs to be the bubble of self protection. While this an understandably very hard time for you, it is also a very important time too. You are facing really big stuff here, about your partner, about yourself, about how it all works. That is never easy for anyone. I commend you for the courage I hear in your posts here and I would bet you don't as yet fully realise how brave you are even being. I say bravo to you in the meantime, until you catch up to yourself.

Look to the trustworthy people in your life for support right now. Allow yourself to ask for help where you need it. Make sure your difficult decisions are based in reality. I want to remind you that you won't always feel this way and that in the long run you can and likely will learn and grow so you emerge a better version of you. You might not be able to take him with you but that is really his choice and hard though it is, it must be honored. I am so sorry for yor loss.

[momincali]

This isn't a good time for you to try and handle this alone. I don't know if you believe in God, but if you do, now more than ever is the time to reach out to him, take hold of his hand and don't let go. If you believe in God, than you know that he is in control. He will not give us more than we can handle. He is forever faithful. If you have family and close friends, don't be afraid to lean on them and ask them for help. Would you want to be there for a friend going through this? Of course you would. Would you feel it a burden? Maybe, but you would want to be there with her nonetheless. A good friend will help you and be there for you through hard times and happiness.

Like Val said, you won't always feel this way, even though right now this pain seems eternal, it will pass. Your child is observing everything, even if you play nice right now, they can't be underestimated, so for your sake as well as hers, do what you must to gain composure. Remember that through this all, you're not alone, and you're blessed with the love and companionship of your child.

[NowWhat]

Well, I have made a decision. And judging by the posts, it may not be a popular one. I have decided to stay with my husband. We were able to sit down and get EVERYTHING out on the table. He is willing to do whatever it takes to get this mess behind us.
I believe him.
I know it isn't what most people would do, but I feel like it is the right choice for me and our family.
I have prayed so much for God to give clarity and guidance and I believe He has. Even though most everyone in my life told me I should leave, my heart was screaming STAY!

So, I am following my heart. I appreciate all of your thoughts on this subject and I now ask for your prayers that this does work out.

[valinors_sorrow]

Good for you for making a decision and good for him for coming clean too. Don't hestitate to seek third party help in the healing of your marriage should you need it-- from your pastor or a marriage counselor. This is not always so easy to heal, just the two of you. Good luck and many blessings to you both.

[Wildcat21]

Well - I don't believe him one bit. He doesn't want to lose his family.

He's proven with out a doubt to be liar.

And he's a cheater - My old saying - once a cheater, always a cheater. I quite sure his affair will continue.

Quite frankly - oyu gave this man his chances all ready. I'll be blunt - your crazy and unfortunately will have more great sorrow from this man.

He wants his cake and eat it too - and you serve it up to him. He walks all over you and has never respected you.

I DO think some people take sick pleasure in pain. I've seen it many times.

[talaniman]

I cannot in good conscience recommend staying with some one who has done what he has, and is contrite only when caught. May I suggest a month or two of him Getting away from you to get the clarity you so badly need before you give him another chance. You need to get the emotions under control to make a good decision, and he needs to know the consequences of his actions up front and personal. This may not change his behavior or your mind, but I think the time alone without him around would be of a great benefit to you at this time. Its not fair that you just roll over and let him stay again

[NowWhat]

I don't feel like I am rolling over. I feel like I am fighting. Fighting for my life. My family. I know I am not the offender here and most of the work has to come from him inorder to make this thing work. But, I love my family, the family he and I have created, and I am not prepared to lose it. I am not prepared to just give it away. I am choosing to FIGHT. He is actually seeking counseling - which if you have read my past posts, he really has trouble communicating with people and he wants to do this and try to mend what he has broken. And because of that, I feel like this can work. When we went to counseling before, he wasn't committed to it, therefore, it didn't help us.
He is realizing that he has issues with how he thinks and reacts and communicates with other people and he knows that if he doesn't change that - he loses everything.
I just can't give up now. Even though (I can hear you thinking it before I even type this) most will say - he gave up on us a long time ago. I, ME, I can not give up - I want my life back, and I going to get it.

[robynhgl]

Against popular opinion, I'm with you on this one NowWhat.

I think it's very easy to look at our own experiences and tell someone what to do based upon our own thoughts and feelings. But none of us know you, none of us know your husband and none of us know exactly what your relationship has been.

You came here and brought up what was wrong in your relationship, but I can't imagine that everything has been bad (or good--relationships have their ups and downs). If you know your man, and you know when he's being straight up with you, and you believe him when he says he wants to make your relationship work--then you are making the right decision.

I honestly do not believe that a person who has cheated can never be faithful, I also know that sometimes a relationship can also become stronger and better after something like this. It just depends upon the two people involved and their love for one another and their sincerity in working together to have a good, lasting relationship.

If I can give you one piece of advice it would be to move forward. If he's laid it all out for you and you know why he did it (most likely it wasn't you--it was something to do with him), you have your starting point. I'm not saying that you should reinvest all of your trust in him... he doesn't deserve it at this point. However, if he is really willing and able to make this marriage work, he will do what it takes to regain your trust. He can't get mad at you for the lack of trust, you are not the one who took it, he did. By the same token, you can't throw it in his face every time you get upset with him, don't use it as a weapon (no matter how hard it will be to resist doing that). Neither of you can go back and change the past, so it's not worth dwelling on--especially when it interferes with the present and the future.

I'm actually happy for you, I'm glad that you care enough about yourself (you not willing to give up without a fight), your husband (you love him enough to work through this), your marriage and your family (these things mean enough to you to do what you think is right to save them, you're not a quitter). I really hope you and your husband can find the way back to what you both wanted in the beginning, I hope that you come back here in a year or two and tell us how great your marriage is and that you and your husband are happy.

Good Luck...

[Inspired]

NowWhat, please update us. How are you doing? How is your marriage coming along?

[NowWhat]

Well, We are working it out. It is a long road - the one getting out of Hell - but we are doing it. We are making an effort to spend just us time. We talk.

I have my days where the anger/betrayal enter and play with my head. I don't think that will go away just because I want it to. He still gets on my nerves sometimes - but I don't think that is abnormal.

He has made a true effort - like never before.
I have often said that getting flowers on your birthday is nice - but getting them because it's Tuesday is even better.
Well, he listened. One Tuesday, out of the blue, I got flowers for the first time. I think I cried. He bought me a new car (I needed one). I had driven this thing about 2 months prior (when I thought I was one foot out the door) - he remembered I liked it and just came home with it. I was so in love with him that day. It was such a great thing and out of character. I know he is trying.

Are we "fixed"? No. Not yet, but, today - I am happy with my decision. And all I can do is live a day at a time.

[Inspired]

You are saying that he has made a true effort like never before, how? You thought he was making an effort before as well when you thought he had ended the affair and found out a year later that he didn't. I understand material things may get in the way, but what type of emotional and honest effort is he making other than buying you things? Is he going to counseling? I don't mean to ruin your day. You seem like such a nice woman who shouldn't be settling for anyone less than what you diserve. Please just keep your eyes open and don't let the material things blind you. Good luck and God Bless...

[Inspired]

You also said that you followed your heart in this one, which is what a lot of us do. However, what does your gut instinct say? I have learned in my life that our gut is always right. There have been many times that I followed my heart but my gut was saying "NO NO". Its an internal battle but deep down inside (your gut) you know what's right for you.

[NowWhat]

Trust me, he isn't buying my love. It's not the "things" he bought. It's the fact that he thought about me - went and did something that he knew I would like. He paid attention. He made an effort.


He is going to counseling. I am proud of him for that. He is learning how to communicate. We talk about things now. He would rather keep to himself. But, he has put himself out of his comfort zone and is making an effort.
That is what is different than before.

I don't need reminding of my history. I know full well what happened. How I felt. I think about that every day. EVERY DAY. If it were to happen again - I don't know that I could survive. I almost didn't this time. But, I can't live that way. I am happy today. I was happy yesterday and the days before it. I have to live on FAITH that I will be happy tomorrow.

[NowWhat]

Everything inside me said I needed to stay. Once the anger was gone - or not so upfront - I could not imagine my life with out him in it. I don't know how to NOT love him. I don't know how to get through a day with out him.
I talked to God A lot and I feel like this is where I am supposed to be.

It isn't what most people would do. It isn't something most can understand. I get that. But, this is what is working for me. If it backfires - well, what can I say - shame on me?
Like I said, I am not going to live that way. I made a choice, and I am living with that choice - Happily.

[self_lnflicted_hell]

I know I should leave. And I do have an attorney. I also know that after 3 years - I am sure it is physical.
I wish it was just as easy as cutting him loose. He and I are tied together forever. And before I rip my child's life to shreds, don't I have to make completely sure that everything has been done? :confused:
I don't know how to turn off the love I have for my husband. I am still trying to process all of this. Wrap my brain around it all. My self worth has just left the building. I am questioning everything I do and everything I am.
saying that I am confused is a HUGE understatment. I guess I am wondering if there is anyone that has been in my shoes and seen the other side with their marriage intact.
Is that even possible?

Don't even start to blame yourself for his unfaithfulness. It's not your fault that he strayed. And if he tries to turn it around on you then it's just his way of making himself feel better about it, like it wasn't his fault. You're the victim. And if he can't or won't go to counseling with you then obviously he doesn't want the help. I'd look at that a little closer also. If he was truly sorry for what he's done and wants the life with you that he promised years ago then he'll do whatever he can to make it as right as possible. There will always be trust issues though. Always. Things might start to look like their getting better but then something will happen and wham! You'll wonder if he's at it again. It could be anything, like he's gone 20 minutes longer than he should be, he gets a phone call that you don't know who it was, and you'll start to wonder if it's another woman. And all of this will reflect right onto your little girl. Remember that. You might think that staying with him will be better for her but in the long run it will only hurt her more. Think about this long and hard. Letting go is very hard, but sometimes you just have to say goodbye.

[Inspired]

Trust me, he isn't buying my love. It's not the "things" he bought. It's the fact that he thought about me - went and did something that he knew I would like. He paid attention. He made an effort.

You said its not the things he bought, but in your previous post all you talk about is how he bought you flowers and a new car and it made you fall in love with him again.


He is going to counseling. I am proud of him for that. He is learning how to communicate. We talk about things now. He would rather keep to himself. But, he has put himself out of his comfort zone and is making an effort.
That is what is different than before.
I am glad hes going to counseling. I hope it helps your marriage and makes him a better person.
I don't need reminding of my history. I know full well what happened. How I felt. I think about that every day. EVERY DAY. If it were to happen again - I don't know that I could survive. I almost didn't this time. But, I can't live that way. I am happy today. I was happy yesterday and the days before it. I have to live on FAITH that I will be happy tomorrow.

You don't need anyone to survive, you only need God and yourself. I wish you the best of luck.

[NowWhat]

Inspired agrees: Good advise, but I dont think she is thinking about her daughter and how it will effect her. She is only thinking about her own happiness. its unfortunate

You are totally off base here. I wasn't only considering myself when I made my decision - I considered my daughter. I made the choice for my family not just myself.
Every decision I make - I consider my daughter and what it would do to her.
I have committed my life to my family. To say that I made a selfish decision - that I put myself in front of my daughter - that is wrong. I fight for my family - how is that selfish?

I took my vows seriously. Even if my husband broke his - I still hold mine and honor mine. Good times and bad. I made a promise before God and I have every intention to keep that promise.
It may seem so crazy for someone outside, looking in to think that decision I made was the right one. But, it isn't anyone else's decision. I did what I thought was right.

[NowWhat]

Don't even start to blame yourself for his unfaithfulness. It's not your fault that he strayed. And if he tries to turn it around on you then it's just his way of making himself feel better about it, like it wasn't his fault. You're the victim. And if he can't or won't go to counseling with you then obviously he doesn't want the help. I'd look at that a little closer also. If he was truly sorry for what he's done and wants the life with you that he promised years ago then he'll do whatever he can to make it as right as possible. There will always be trust issues though. Always. Things might start to look like their getting better but then something will happen and wham! you'll wonder if he's at it again. It could be anything, like he's gone 20 minutes longer than he should be, he gets a phone call that you don't know who it was, and you'll start to wonder if it's another woman. And all of this will reflect right onto your little girl. Remember that. You might think that staying with him will be better for her but in the long run it will only hurt her more. Think about this long and hard. Letting go is very hard, but sometimes you just have to say goodbye.

I don't blame myself - anymore. I know that HE did this - not me. He is doing what he needs to do to make this right. He goes to counseling. He opens up. He does make the effort.

And the trust issues - I am fully aware of what you are saying. The wound is still there. It wasn't just erased by deciding to work this out. Somedays this whole mess feels like a lifetime ago, when in reality it was just a few short months. So, if you want to know if I trust him yet - the answer is NO. I would be lying if I said that I don't think about everything you just detailed. But, isn't that the healing process? Does it just go away? I don't think so. Trust has to be earned. And he is doing what he needs to do to earn the trust. But - it does take time. In time, I think the trust will return. The doubts will go away. Will it be or is it easy? No, of course not. But, we are working on it.