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    gee88's Avatar
    gee88 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jun 12, 2012, 03:11 PM
    Does this means it's really over?
    I am 24. My boyfriend and I been together for almost 5 yrs. We live together. We have a three yr. old son together, he always treated me right and never cheated. When he was working he used to always stay home now that he lost his job he starts smoking weed everyday with his friends and doesn't pay me no mind like he used to. I tell him that I think he smokes too much and to smoke sometimes. He told me if I don't like it then I should leave him.

    I never seen this side of him ever, he told me he needs his space. He starts hanging out with a lot of females. He tells me it's because I don't appreciate him when he does something for me, and all I want to do is nag all day. I don't know what to do, He's my everything. He used to let his friends and family know I was his wife no matter what. Now he tells me he whores because I told him to be honest with me twice. Because the first time he told me no, I thought it was a lie cause he never comes home. He said he needs to know where he really belongs. He needs to see other people. If we're meant to be then we're meant to be. But he told me when he goes out there is nothing out there. Does that means it's really over?

    Or he would ask me “how was my day?”. He says that we should always stay friends, always communicate. But everything I see him not come home I always ignore him and he always stares at me all the time. I don't know why.

    He would always say I was bad show me around his friends now he wants to act like a complete a$$!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #2

    Jun 12, 2012, 04:21 PM
    I think this is a classic case of a guy destroying himself because of a wounded self esteem issue with losing his job, and sense of self. He is looking for it in the wrong places, and the wrong way. He needs help, but I doubt you can help him, unless you back off, and let him fall on his face.

    I don't think this is about you, or the relationship, but just him battling his demons that cause him great pain. His antics are those of a hidden addiction and I hope he gets the right help. Has he changed a lot around his family, or changed friends? How old is he?s he looking for work?
    mmresd's Avatar
    mmresd Posts: 2,002, Reputation: 553
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    #3

    Jun 12, 2012, 04:36 PM
    Sounds like he is having depression issues due to losing his job, let him grieve in his own way, but don't accept stupidity and cheating. If he has lost respect for you and shows no more interest, throw him out and let him deal with his own problems on his own as you deal with yours, focus on your kid.
    gee88's Avatar
    gee88 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Jun 12, 2012, 04:43 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    I think this is a classic case of a guy destroying himself because of a wounded self esteem issue with losing his job, and sense of self. He is looking for it in the wrong places, and the wrong way. He needs help, but I doubt you can help him, unless you back off, and let him fall on his face.

    I don't think this is about you, or the relationship, but just him battling his demons that cause him great pain. His antics are those of a hidden addiction and I hope he gets the right help. Has he changed a lot around his family, or changed friends? How old is he?s he looking for work?
    He doesn't show that he cares anymore.the last time I seen him, Was yesterday he asked me how was work I told him good,and that was it and I completely ignored him, he was playing video games and our asked daddy what you doing he replied playing bymyself as if he wanted my attention or something
    Cooked dinner asked him if he wanted some he said yes he didn't even looked me in the eye after he finished all the food he went out and still haven't come home

    QUOTE by mmresd;
    Sounds like he is having depression issues due to losing his job, let him grieve in his own way, but don't accept stupidity and cheating. If he has lost respect for you and shows no more interest, throw him out and let him deal with his own problems on his own as you deal with yours, focus on your kid.
    He is not cheating on me were not together he says that he needs his space.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #5

    Jun 12, 2012, 05:09 PM
    How is he around his own family? Does he have a different set of friends?
    gee88's Avatar
    gee88 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Jun 12, 2012, 06:21 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by mmresd View Post
    Sounds like he is having depression issues due to losing his job, let him grieve in his own way, but don't accept stupidity and cheating. If he has lost respect for you and shows no more interest, throw him out and let him deal with his own problems on his own as you deal with yours, focus on your kid.
    To mmred can I get you # to be more specific
    mmresd's Avatar
    mmresd Posts: 2,002, Reputation: 553
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    #7

    Jun 12, 2012, 06:35 PM
    I don't believe we are allowed to give out our numbers through here, but you are welcome to repost what it is you need me to be more specific about, and I will answer it.
    gee88's Avatar
    gee88 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Jun 13, 2012, 01:50 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    How is he around his own family? Does he have a different set of friends??
    I haven't seen him come home for three days and am wondering if he could be in love with someone else
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #9

    Jun 13, 2012, 04:05 AM
    I doubt it, he doesn't love himself. To clarify, I was inquiring how he acts around his mom, dad, siblings, and if his friends he hangs with are different ones than he had before. I need to know because if all he is doing is whoring around, you need to stop him from coming around you. You don't seem to be able to TALK, get to the root of the problem, and resolve it, so another approach is needed.

    He may well be epressed about losing his job, but he at least should be looking for another, or be proactive in doing for the family. Either way, his present behavior is unnaceptable.
    gee88's Avatar
    gee88 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Jun 13, 2012, 08:06 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    I doubt it, he doesn't love himself. To clarify, I was inquiring how he acts around his mom, dad, siblings, and if his friends he hangs with are different ones than he had before. I need to know because if all he is doing is whoring around, you need to stop him from coming around you. You don't seem to be able to TALK, get to the root of the problem, and resolve it, so another approach is needed.

    He may well be epressed about losing his job, but he at least should be looking for another, or be proactive in doing for the family. Either way, his present behavior is unnaceptable.
    His mother died when he was 11 and his father he doesn't know his father and he has changed friends

    Yes and his friends he hangs with are different friends he had before

    And if I do see him what should I asked him
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #11

    Jun 13, 2012, 09:10 AM
    He needs to step up, and be a father to his child. That means participating in the child's life, setting a good example for him/her, and maintain a solid relationship with you, for the sake of the child.

    That being said, it sounds like he's failing miserably. Lots of people lose their jobs- that is NO excuse to essentially abandon his family. Somehow he manages to find money for pot, going out, and screwing around with other women.

    You on the other hand, have to wake up and smell the pot- pardon me, the coffee.

    The environment that has been created, is not good for the child. I don't hear you saying he has tried to find work, has applied for upgrading, seen to taking a job skills class or course, considered a career in a trade, etc. He is ruining his future, by being stuck in the present, regardless of what his problems are.

    If he is not man enough to even go to a Doctor for help with his 'depression', then what kind of man, partner, and father is he.

    And that you have not set any limits, or expectations of his behaviour, means you also have to step up as I've said, and prepare to make some tough choices. As long as he remains in this 'place' he is in, and nothing changes, he won't change.

    If you were me, I would be gone, to a healthier place, for the sake of this child, and to forge a future where I don't need to stand around waiting for my parter to self-destruct.

    Do what you need to do to establish child support- and also what you need to do to become self sufficient. Maybe when you can support yourself and your child, you won't be waiting for someone else to make your life tolerable.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #12

    Jun 13, 2012, 09:29 AM
    As traumatic as losing a job is, I think he has fallen into a quick fi,x feel good (drugs and women), to feel better about himself, and that means until HE decides to change his behavior, you do not allow him in your home, or around your child.

    That's what you tell him, "get out an go back where you have been for the last 3, 4 days". Its hard, but if you keep allowing this behavior, you will keep getting it.

    Look out for yourself, an don't allow him to drag you or your child, down to the gutter he wallows in.
    gee88's Avatar
    gee88 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Jun 17, 2012, 01:15 PM
    Well yesterday he told me he finished taking his space he wants me back he missed me he took our son out for father's day now. He said he missed me there's nothing out there he is going to help take care of our son and tomorrow is his interview so he can work.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #14

    Jun 17, 2012, 03:19 PM
    I have my fingers crossed for you.

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