[mearbhall]

Sorry for the length of this post. I've tried to summarise where possible.


A few months ago, I met a man online. We instantly 'clicked' and although we lived far apart, shared similar family backgrounds, interests and humour. We quickly began Skype-ing on a nightly basis, along with texts and occasional phonecalls and very quickly arranged to meet. Although we both expressed worries that we wouldn't like each other in person, I think we couldn't help but make plans for a future together. He had only come out of a long-term relationship a few months before in which he'd been cheated on. However, he was always very affectionate and flirtatious with me. He said that he wanted a future with me. I VERY rarely meet people I click with, and probably never so much; I was afraid to open up too much, but at the same time couldn't help but be excited.

It sounds clichéd, but when we DID meet, it felt like I'd always known him, despite being very nervous beforehand. The few days we spent together he was SO loving towards me. I DID sleep with him; it felt natural and right and we're both adults, but we spent the rest of our time talking about what we'd do in summer, having a long distance relationship, laughing... I was terribly sad when I had to leave him and when I returned home, immediately wanted to make plans to see him again. It was then he admitted that before meeting me, he thought he knew that he was ready for another serious relationship, but that he may still have issues unresolved from his last one, but assured me that he loved spending time with me and didn't want anybody else.

Our daily contact continued for a few weeks until I asked if he'd like to see me again. He said he would and we made our plans. As my visit approached though, he decided to tell me that he didn't think we made a good long-term match, that we didn't have that much in common and that we'd spent a month just sharing fantasies about one another. He said that he still loved my company and was attracted to me, but that my visit was to be just as a 'friends with benefits' situation. Obviously I was terribly hurt by this. I think I went into some form of shock. Because everything was booked and paid for, I decided to still go. I think on some level I wanted one of two things to happen: for him to come to his senses when we met, or for me to feel indifferent towards him in person enough to move on.

In the meantime, our contact continued as normal, everyday. When our next meet came, part of me thought I was doing the wrong thing by being there, that if he was serious in what he'd said to me that I was NOT the type of girl who'd be happy with it. But again when I saw him, those anxious feelings left me. Our time together he was completely affectionate; when I said that I'd missed him, he returned it. Everything was fine until the day I left when I asked whether he'd like to visit me/have me visit again. In a public place, he brought up the "not being a long-term match" issue again, that we couldn't have a relationship, that he didn't want his life on hold for me and that if I wanted to visit him again, it would just be for friendship and sex and that I couldn't have any aspirations otherwise. The contrast between how he'd acted towards me, the effort he'd put into our contact and this cold language was very hard for me to bear. Knowing I was becoming upset, he said something about how he shouldn't feel bad because he was being honest and that I alone was responsible for how I felt. I didn't know how to react. When we said our goodbyes, I held it together until I was alone but then completely broke down in tears.

When I returned home, I told him that I might have stronger feelings for him than I believed I'd had before. He said he didn't understand why I was so upset, that it wasn't all that bad, that I should "cheer up". I said I needed a few days away from him. However, nothing became clearer in those days and I called him to try and express how hurt I was feeling. He just seemed to get angry at me, saying I was getting defensive (I wasn't, I was just trying to talk). A few days later, I composed an email to him and explained that I was committed to him, that all I'd wanted was to make him happy, that I loved him and would happily move closer if he'd ask. I said that I felt he'd never given our relationship a fair chance; he'd told me time and time again how he loved being with me, I made him laugh and was hugely attracted to me. I also told him that if he wasn't willing me to meet me in the middle and make SOME commitment to me, that I'd have to let him go because I was in too deep for just friendship and that IF he was willing, he'd have to contact me.

He sent me a text later that day saying that he received it, but that nothing had changed. I was feeling VERY low and probably mistakenly text him a few days later over another matter. He mentioned that he'd meant to reply to my email but that he wasn't sure what he could say that hadn't already been said. I said that I evidently didn't know what he wanted from me, that it was humiliating and that perhaps I'd been grieving for the loss of somebody who never really existed in the first place. He accused me of being melodramatic. I said that I wasn't and I'd always be there for him and he thanked me.

That was a few days ago. Since then, I've removed him from Facebook and Skype because I feel I need to move on. However, I'm still emotionally seesawing between thinking I've done the right thing and thinking I should've tried to be friends with him. I'm in love with him and I'm completely heartbroken over this. I'd really appreciate some impartial advice if anyone has any views on this mess?

[ForeverYoung16]

I Honestly Think, You Did the right thing on doing that. He used you . What you wanted with him, he ant want with you. Its sad knowning there's guys like that in this world that just go around telling.girls lies.

[C0bra_M3nace]

Stay no contact, and move on. You're doing the right thing, staying friends with an ex partner is one of the hardest things to do.

[mearbhall]

Thanks for the replies. I suppose I just feel regretful about contacting him that last time; that maybe I let myself down and ruined any hope of a reconciliation. I'm finding not talking to him every day very hard and am hurt that this seems easy for him.

[mearbhall]

I posted here last week or so about splitting from my ex and my heartache over it. I've hastily agreed to meet a guy for drinks at the weekend and to be honest, it's stressing me a bit. Part of my is recognising that I'm clearly still torn up about my break-up and completely not ready for dating right now; I know it's silly but I'd almost feel unfaithful. Another part of me is saying that it's a good way to try to move on and that it's only drinks, not a big deal and what harm could it do? I suppose it's a matter of heart vs. head. What do you guys think?

[amicon]

Going out with friends and having a good time is fine-going out with a guy on a date is too soon,even if it's ''just drinks''.

You need to heal before you do this and it's only been a little over a week since the break up.

Don't attempt a rebound.

[JESS2012]

I would have to agree with amicon. Don't rush into anything!

[mearbhall]

It's actually almost 4 weeks, but yeah, feels the same as 1!

[mmresd]

I wouldn't recommend dating until you are completely over the ex, that can only lead to negative things, including a rebound. Go out with your friends, in groups, and have a couple drinks, what is the rush to start dating again? Enjoy being single for a little while, clear your mind, and the next guy in your life will find you.

[mearbhall]

No rush exactly, just happened by chance. I was single for a long time and NONE of my friends are, so unfortunately being so at this stage of my life is no longer enjoyable! ;) Luckily though, fate has intervened: he said that he's out of town this weekend after all, and suggested next week when I, as it turns out, am actually busy with friends. Potential awkward situation dodged! Thanks for the replies and advice.

[amicon]

Good luck and take good care of yourself.

[mearbhall]

As I mentioned in a previous post, I met my ex online. I'd signed back up to the site that we'd met on about a week ago; mostly out of morbid curiously to see if he had, I'll admit. To my relief, he hadn't.

A couple of nights ago, I'd mustered the strength to shred letters that he'd sent me. I hadn't been in touch with him. I was starting to feel a LITTLE better.

Anyway, last night I got a notification through this site that I had an email from him. My stomach lurched when I went to check it. As it turns out, it was a message he sent me months ago before his account was deleted, but one I hadn't read. Along with it, I got back all of those old, original messages we sent to each other, along with the knowledge that he'd signed back up to it. I genuinely began to feel that something was out to get me!

What's worse is, after convincing myself that I was never the problem in our relationship, that I WAS worthy, that he JUST wasn't ready for a relationship after his ex: I see him online dating again. I couldn't stop myself messaging him to say that I'd received the email, because I found it so bittersweet. I asked him if he fancied a chat, saying that I didn't know if it was a good idea but that I was fed up of seeing/hearing funny things and imagining me telling him, only to remember that I couldn't (sad, I know, I KNOW, but true). He replied saying that he didn't think that it WAS a good idea... but that he missed me and had been lonely without me, but that he wanted to use that loneliness to help him to move on.

Everything I'd previously began to move on with has been thrown: now he wants to see people. He misses me. He's lonely without me. I believed none of things to be true before. Now I'm more confused than ever. I'm not sure what my question is, but I have few to confide in on this...

[talaniman]

That confusion is exactly what NC addresses, and you have to stick to it no matter what! You have NOT! Back on the wagon, and the setback is a temporary one.

[amicon]

It's not about what he wants,needs etc.
It's about what you do to get why o you are life back on track.

No contact and stick to it.

[mearbhall]

Thanks. I needed that metaphorical kick up the bottom!

[mearbhall]

Apologies for dredging this up again, but I need a rant!
I've been sticking to no-contact, but with him re-signed up to this dating site, it seems almost impossible. There's no way of completely blocking him (unless he's been harassing etc, which of course he hasn't), so every time I'd go into 'recent conversations' or the like, there he'd be, online/offline status and all. I haven't been sleeping; my entire waking life seems dedicated to thoughts of him and unfortunately, they're mostly the good memories which in turn make me very sad. My doctor's already put me on a course of anti-depressants because of my general mood and terrible anxiety because of this. Last night, during my insomnia, I turned on my computer and deleted MY profile from the site, just so I couldn't see his. It seems to very unfair that I should lose out on getting to know more people and losing my subscription because of him, but I just can't take seeing his face on a dating site of all things, especially since he made it SO clear that he wasn't ready for a relationship. Sorry, I know what I'm saying probably sounds stupid, but like I said, rant needed... :(