[popanda]

My boyfriend and I have just finished our freshman year of college, and have been dating for 4 1/2 years now (since just about the beginning of high school). Last fall we went off to separate colleges about eight hours apart. It was really really difficult at first to the point where I'd cry myself to sleep every night, but by now it's manageable if I keep myself on other things throughout the day.

There's one problem though that I can't get out of my head, and I honestly don't even know why it's making me so anxious and insecure. My boyfriend has always had his fair share of female friends and I really didn't mind at all back when we went to high school together, obviously because I knew them and I felt very secure in his love for me. Now that we're long distance though, every female friend he brings up in our conversation makes me a little more anxious, a little more insecure, and at first I was able to control these feelings by telling myself that I was overreacting--my boyfriend has always been extremely caring and loving and he has never for a second given me any reason to believe he would cheat on me.

There's this one girl though... Let's say her name is Jenny. I first noticed her when I noticed her posts on his Facebook wall, and he started bringing her up in conversation saying things like, "Oh, Jenny and I sang that song at karaoke!" or telling me they'd gone to lunch, which made me a bit jealous obviously, but I knew it was groundless and dismissed it. But then they started getting more and more familiar with each other, to the point where she'd post a picture she took of him on her Facebook and call him the "ugliest guy on the planet, and who would wanna date you?" which annoyed me for obvious reasons, and stuff like this on a daily basis, where they would have fake 'arguments' about which one being more ugly or stupid or fat, which sounds strange but I think is her way of flirting with him. Other people would post stuff on his wall too like, "You and Jenny are always at it," and "Wow, you guys are like a married couple," and he stopped mentioning her to me.

One day a couple weeks ago though we were Skyping and she came into his dorm room and randomly sat on his bed and he asked her what she was doing and she just said, "My room's stuffy and I needed some air." She then just curled up on his bed like she was going to take a nap and went under his blankets, and my boyfriend just returned to our Skype conversation without saying anything. Even though I felt like not saying anything either, I was really uncomfortable and so I asked him if he was okay with her sleeping in his bed and he said, "Oh yeah, she does this all the time," which I didn't know anything about. Even though I was still uncomfortable I tried to let it go at this point. But after a while she got up, said she was cold, and raided my boyfriend's closet without asking him, grabbed one of his jackets, and put it on. At this point I didn't know whether she was actively trying to make me jealous or if she was just really insensitive. She said something along the lines of, "Your jackets are really comfy," which meant she'd done this before. I had to go to the bathroom (and also sort out my head) so I left for a little bit, and then when I came back my boyfriend was talking to Jenny, and because I wasn't in view of my webcam yet I stood there for a bit listening to their conversation. Jenny was asking my boyfriend whether I was the jealous type, and he said, "Nah, not really, we trust each other," and then she 'jokingly' strokes his hair and says, "Would this make her jealous?" At this point I'd had enough and I go in front of the webcam and she takes her hand away, and tells me that my boyfriend has a super-comfy bed but I shouldn't be jealous of her because she would never date his ugly mug, they're just friends. Which was offensive on like three different levels.

Another thing was when I was visiting him one weekend and we were pretty hot-and-heavy making out in his room, she just barges in (we had just enough time to crawl under the blankets and pretend we were sleeping) with the room key she borrowed from my boyfriend's roommate. My boyfriend told her to get out at first but she sat on the end of the bed and so he just stood up and talked to her for like twenty minutes while I was hiding under the covers because I wasn't wearing a shirt (he had all his clothes on still). Apparently she wanted him to come out with her and her friends and climb up this hill with us to see the view, and when she saw me she was like, "Oh, I forgot she was coming this weekend! She should come too!" like I wasn't just lying awkwardly right there. She never once directly talked to me. My boyfriend finally got her out of the room but five minutes later she knocked on the door again really loudly asking us to come out with them, and then fifteen minutes later again. The one time that she actually talked to me that weekend was to say, "He's so annoying and ugly, why are you dating him?"

My boyfriend said "she can be annoying sometimes, and insensitive, but we get along well so I don't wanna just cut that out of my life." I don't know though... It's not that I don't think my boyfriend is going to cheat on me exactly, it's just that I don't like that he allows this kind of behavior and that he's around this girl who thinks it's totally okay to say and do stuff like this--and that other people will see that he's okay with it (a lot of people at his school who don't know better just assume that she's his girlfriend). I don't let guys onto my bed because I feel like it's an intimate, personal space, and the fact that she just sleeps on his bed whenever she wants (once, apparently, she barged into his room at 1am and fell asleep there for four hours so my boyfriend had to sleep on the floor) just makes me really really upset.

Whenever I bring this up though, I feel like a super-controlling, insecure girlfriend, and that's something I've never wanted to be... It's obvious that they're good friends and besides all the annoying bits, they're actually pretty similar and it's easy to see why they get along so well. But still, we're long-distance and I feel like the anxiety is tempting me to play mind games with him, like trying to make him jealous, or something.

Any advice on how to talk to him about this? And does anyone have any opinions on where her actions could be coming from, and what she could possibly want from him? And why does he let these things happen? I know he loves me, but still, it makes me sad and anxious.

[popanda]

I'm sorry this post is so long, guys.

[C0bra_M3nace]

It's okay, sometimes venting is a good thing.

You've got to believe in the trust you have for him. The fact that he's still willing to skype you and know that she could come in and act like that shows that he really has nothing to hide. When you start catching him in lies, and he starts avoiding your skypes. Then I'd think you'd have a bit of a problem.

I think you're fine, and have nothing to worry about.

As far as talking to him about it, you just need to tell him how you feel. Careful not to be accusational, use a lot of I's and me's, but be honest with him. That's the only way he can really know how you feel, especially in an LDR.

[popanda]

And... I really don't want to.

My boyfriend and I are just going into our sophomore year of college, and we've been dating for four years. We just recently started having sex last fall when we entered college, on the few days that we saw each other since we're long-distance.

He'd been telling me that I should shave ever since the end of high school, but only occasionally and not enough to make me feel overly uncomfortable. Recently though he won't shut up about it. Since we're long-distance, every phone call we have, he says, "So when are you gonna shave?" like it's a done deal, and it's beginning to make me really self-conscious, especially when I ask him why I should shave and he says that bare is sexy, hair is gross. The last time we had sex, I was so self-conscious that I had to keep my dress on while we had sex so he wouldn't see my "hairy" vagina. Recently I've completely refused to let him give me oral, because I know he would rather go down on a shaved vagina anyway and I don't want to suffer the humiliation.

The other complaint he has is that he doesn't like pubic hair getting in his mouth when he goes down on me, which is understandable but hey, I get pubic hair in my mouth too when I'm giving him blow jobs (which I love to do) and I just spit it out and go along with my business.

Whenever I give him reasons I don't want to do it, like (1) I'm just plain uncomfortable with it, (2) I don't know how to do it safely, (3) I've talked to my friends and those who do it always complain about the upkeep and how itchy and painful it can be... He just brings up the statistics of guys who prefer shaved to hairy, tells me that he's read articles and that it's much healthier to have it shaved, also makes sex more pleasurable, and that it's actually really easy and not painful at all to shave, etc. etc. and it's beginning to make me angry. It also seems really unfair to me to have to worry and stress over the upkeep every single day if we're long-distance and we're only going to see each other and possibly have sex once every four months or so.

I know it doesn't seem that important, but it's something that's really been bothering me, so thank you for reading all the way through. So how do I bring up how uncomfortable I feel with my boyfriend? Is it really beneficial to be shaved down there, and how do I stop feeling self-conscious about this?

[itsimplytruth]

Let me first tell you that it is your body and your preference. With that being said you must also ask yourself if you really want this young man. If you do then the fact that you don't shave and he brings it up quite often is going to remain to be a problem.

Another thing I would wonder since you all are in this relationship and have been for a long while is how does he know that an shaved vagina is more pleasurable?

There are other items on the market to assist you with hair removal and they are not itchy when the hair grows back. I particularly like Nair bikini. It makes hair removal safe and no itching or worrying about cutting yourself with a razor.

If this young man is someone you want to continue to have a relationship with then I suggest you keep an open mind and at least try it once and then if you don't like it you can say I tried it and I don't like it. If you want a shaved vagina find someone who enjoys keeping hers shaved. Then I would recommend that he shave as well. If hair is nasty on you then surely it is as nasty on him! :)

Most importantly, you do what makes you happy... It is your body and he is not your husband. There are men out there who may like hair.

[Wondergirl]

If you are uncomfortable, don't do it. You are the one who has to live with it and continue to shave. Be your own person and not a willow that bends with every breeze. What if he or the next boyfriend wants you to sharpen your front teeth like a Dracula-girl? (I know a girl who did that to please her boyfriend.) What if he or the next boyfriend wants you to wear long sleeves and long dresses all the time? Where do you stop? You do realize this is a control thing, don't you?

Does he shave down there?

You don't have to explain anything to him. Just say, "No."

(P.S. It's much healthier to NOT shave. The hair is there for a reason.)

[thalya]

To me... it's not really a control thing though it could be.. what about hygiene... u don't have to shave your vagina completely bald.. unno some men cut their hair but not completely down.. try that... cause a extremely hairy vagina... is just not hygienic..

[jenniepepsi]

Never do what you do not want to do. For ANYONE.

However, also, ask yourself. Do you love him enough to do this for him?

When I first got married, I always had the mind set that its MY way or the HIGHway. That's the way a lot of young women are thinking these days.

We almost divorced.

But now, we are thriving. And part of that, is compromising.

Now, even though I don't like long hair, and would rather cut it short, it doesn't hurt me to keep it long because I know my husband likes it long. And I am willing to do that for him.

Ask yourself, is he worth it?

[Synnen]

Do NOT do this for him.

Not unless he's willing to get a Brazilian every time you have to wax/shave too. Or wax his chest/back/whatever.

I used to shave--it drove me crazy! Too much upkeep, soooo much discomfort. I know women that swear by being bare, but I find it uncomfortable. That said, I do keep myself well trimmed and clean.

Your boyfriend is a jerk--one who is probably watching too much porn and who is trying to control you.

I'd DEFINITELY ask him where he learned that a shaved vaginal area is more pleasurable--because unless he's been with someone who is, he has no clue.

PS... start asking him when he's going to get his tongue pierced, since you hear it's sooooo much more pleasurable to receive oral as a female if the man's tongue is pierced. Let him stew on that.

PPS... the bottom line is this: If you don't want to, you tell him NO, and tell him you don't want to hear about it again. Bringing it up continuously after you've stated your side is disrespectful, and you don't need a guy that treats you that way. There are other guys out there that won't push when you say no. Besides--if he pushes when you say no to this, what ELSE will he push if you finally give in?

[ldarkphoenix]

Don't let him pressure you into something that you are truly uncomfortable with.

However, I would have to say, maybe give it a try once? See if you really don't like it?I used to have the same mindset, but I tried it, and I don't mind it now. The only issue is, as Synnen mentioned, there is a lot of upkeep.
I honestly don't think there's a benefit to shaving there, and your boyfriend is a bit wrong on how many men prefer their women to shave. I've never met a guy, nor have my gal friends, who really wanted that.

But hey, this is your body, and your choice. If he really cares for you, and wants to be with you, then he'll accept your decision.

[smoothy]

Personally... speaking as a man.. I really HATE going down on a hairy rug... seriously... was always that way... and for me it was and even if I wasn't married a deal breaker... yes it matters that much to me. Yes I have a hyperactive gag reflex and one hair in my throat can send me puking. (no exaggerating there, its happened many, many years ago)

Now I also care that much about hairy legs and hairy armpits too... huge turnoff for me.

Now there is nothing wrong with a little of tit for tat... if he shaves it all off... you will shave it all off. Only takes a few minutes every other day... so its not a huge thing when you are in the shower.

Don't know what crowd some of the previous posters run with... but just talking with people I know... more do it (as in at least heavy pruning in the garden)... rather than let it run wild... cave-woman style. The numbers are very high for the younger crowd... and they do go down the older they get... but never get rare to find at least in the sub 60 range. No I've never held that discussion with anyone older than that.

If you aren't ULTRA hairy... the upkeep if done every 2 or 3 days is quick and easy... less time than it takes to brush your teeth once to maintain. Wait for once a week or two and yes.. its a lot harder to do.

Yes I've walked away from women that wouldn't shave their armpits... legs or trim the weeds at least.

Really... tell me you haven't commented about how he wears his hair.. or if he has a beard or moustach and how he wants to trim it... and how YOU want him to do it? Or something he likes to wear...

Shaving your face everyday is a huge amount of work... more actually, even with an average beard.

Not saying its not your choice to make, because it is... just be aware that it comes across as a screw you response that will prompt a screw you answer the next time you ask him to do something he doesn't want to do. The door swings both ways. And you are going to want him to do something at some point. Don't think you would appreciate a similar rebuke.

Now I don't know HOW he presents this. And it is possible he's not being as nice about it as he should... and he should be approaching this in a delicate fashion.

[DrStrangeluv]

So long as he continues to make love with you, keep it unshaven as you prefer. If it really bothers him SO much, he would have to halt the deed before you consider making a change. You have been firm on your decision. If he half cared about you, respect should be shown.

[Curlyben]

Sounds like he's been watching way too much Pr0n.

Next time he makes these "suggestions" ask him if he'll do the same for you ;)
Hey it's only fair after all..

[popanda]

For as long as I can remember, whenever I'd have fights with people (especially people who love and care about me, mostly my family) and I'd feel really angry, I'd just stop eating. I wouldn't even get hungry during this time, like my anger was enough to feed me. I'd just be really numb and lose a ton of weight, hoping maybe then they'd be nicer to me. This wasn't always that bad because we would usually make up in a few days and I'd start eating again.

Yesterday though, and just recently, things have gotten so much worse. Last night I found out that my long-distance boyfriend went to and slept over at a girl's house after he got drunk at a party and didn't contact me for hours. He texted me this in the middle of the night and I was so anxious and jealous and sad that I pretended it was perfectly fine on the phone to him, I trust you, etc. etc. but after I hung up I cried for hours and drank half a bottle of cough medicine just to see what would happen. It was like I couldn't control myself, like the only way to make myself feel better was to hurt myself really bad so he'd feel bad for what he did, or what I thought he did.

He knows I've been depressed lately, which made it worse. The cough medicine was pretty weak stuff, I guess, because I just got really dizzy, got a headache, my fingers went numb, and fainted a couple times before waking up in the morning drowsy but perfectly fine. When I woke up and I realized I was okay, I got so upset that I went downstairs to drink more of it but then ended up in front of my computer typing this. I have not contacted my boyfriend since and part of me wants to cut off contact for a few days so he thinks I've died or something.

Please help me, I have no idea why I'm like this and why literally the ONLY thing that makes me feel in-control or better about a situation is to harm myself to guilt others. Yesterday night I was so miserable about what happened on top of my already existing depression that I felt there was no other choice, and I'm scared I'm going to actually kill myself doing this sooner or later, which sometimes I feel like I want but other times I realize that it's crazy.

Thank you for your time, anything would be greatly appreciated.

[Enigma1999]

Oh my dear... I see so many things wrong here. First, I am glad that you can admit all of this and that you are trying to get help here. Good for you. However, I think what you are doing to yourself calls for professional help. How old are you? Do you live alone or with someone?

You are looking for attention to guilt people, as yiu said, however, at this rate, you WILL end up hurting, or killing yourself. When did this behavior start? What triggered it? Does anyone else in your family suffer from depression? Are you currently on any anti depressants?

Please get back to me?

[popanda]

Thank you for your response!

I'm eighteen and I'm currently back home from college for the summer, living with my family (which is to say, just my mom). My boyfriend is halfway across the country for an internship and I won't see him for two more months; he also goes to college halfway across the country.

My mom doesn't know what I did last night. Last night when she heard me collapse I pretended I'd just tripped, and most of the time I don't tell her when I stop eating either. It's like a quiet, passive victory. But I know that last night I purposely hurt myself for the express purpose of telling my boyfriend about it later and making him feel horrible. He's contacted me since but I haven't responded because I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now.

This behavior has been with me for a very long time, ever since I was little. I remember reading in my elementary-school journal that I had a fight with my mom and I didn't eat for two days. I knew she loved me and I knew the best way to get back at someone that loved me was to hurt myself. So I don't know exactly when it started, but I do have a general idea of when it got worse, which is when I entered into a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend of two and a half years. We met in high school and were very very close, and then had to attend colleges fifteen hours away. I was never a very social person and thought he wasn't either, but when he went into college he started going to parties and drinking and it was making me anxious all the time, and this was my way of getting back at him. Most of his best friends go to the same college with him too, so he didn't really have to make new friends, while I extremely dislike my college and the people in it and cried myself to sleep every night because I couldn't really find any friends. I was just very lonely and was sad and jealous that he got to spend every weekend partying with his best friends, going to clubs and other girl's houses, while I worked three part-time jobs and spent most weekends at home because I didn't really have any friends I liked. So whenever we got into fights, I knew he loved me, so I would just hurt myself. I would lick doorknobs to try to get myself sick, or stand outside in the cold and rain for hours just to see if I would get hypothermia or something. I also had this habit of pinching myself really hard on the arm until it left bruises every time he made me cry or we had a fight. It seemed to me like the only way out because I couldn't leave him (I love him too much), but I also couldn't stand the way he made me feel when I couldn't physically be with him. This escalated so that almost every weekend when he'd go out to party I'd hurt myself, like it was compensation for me having to be jealous and anxious all night.

No one that I know of in my family suffers from depression. My mom doesn't believe depression is an actual illness, that it's just something in my head and that I need to "think myself out of it." She's a very happy-go-lucky person and I don't blame her, but she's not really someone I feel I can talk to about this. I am not on any antidepressants because it never got this bad before, and I didn't feel like I was really in trouble until last night. I've never even really talked to anybody in depth about this, or gone to see a professional, because I always thought it was something in my nature, but now I'm kind of scared. I don't know if I need antidepressants, or if I'm just at a low point in my life, or if I just can't handle a romantic relationship right now, and I really don't know who to talk to.

UPDATE: Just talked to my boyfriend on the phone and he obviously get very upset, but I couldn't promise himself that I wouldn't hurt myself yet, because I still always very much want to. When I said this he started yelling at me, saying, "Can't you see how much this is hurting me? Why can't you just stop?" and then hung up on me, obviously angry. I called him back later, wanting to talk about maybe taking a break and discuss why I hurt myself the way I do, but all he wanted to do was yell at me for hurting myself in the first place, which did not help at all... He kept saying "I can't trust you anymore, I just need you to stop right now." I told him that saying that was like telling a baby to stop crying without trying to figure out the reason why it's crying in the first place, that hurting myself was the only thing that's good to me right now, but then he suddenly said, "I don't care if you're sad, it's unacceptable and selfish to hurt yourself, and I can't believe you thought that was okay," and then hung up again. Now I don't know what to do. He's the only person I've ever tried to explain my depression to, and now I don't know where to turn to.

[Enigma1999]

Your story leaves me feeling uneasy, which is why I am writing to you at 2:30 in the morning my time. The fact that you spoke to your boyfriend again and leaving it on not so great terms has me concerned that you might do something wrose to yourself.

Unfortunately we cannot give anybody a diagnosis over the internet. However, it is clear that you do need to get professional help. What " I " am seeing is beyond depression. It almost seems, based off what you say, that you may suffer from psychosomatic disorder, which can contribute to actual bodily damage. Again, you need to speak to a professional. I really believe that you should have a heart to heart with your mother, and really explain that you are terrified of the outcome that may happen.

A lot of people believe that it "depression" is a "mind over matter" thing, but it all actuality, it is a chemical imbalance. You're mother doesn't seem to know the extent of your situation. This isn't just a case of depression because of a new school. No, this is you hurting yourself for attention (when you KNOW it's wrong, risky and dangerous.) You aren't "trying" to commit suicide. I don't believe that you are suicidal. I DO believe that you don't realize the dangers in drinking half a bottle of cough syrup, well, that is until last night.

So yes, please get the help you need.

Next, and you will hate this, but it needs to be done. Distance yourself from your boyfriend until you are starting to get healthy. He doesn't understand, and you don't need ridicule and this time. You need strength and support. I'm not saying he is a bad guy, not at all, but you need to focus on YOU and your health in order to have healthy relationships with people. You seem like a bright and intelligent young lady, and you know this can't continue on. Does this all make sense?

Please keep me updated. Good luck.

[popanda]

He knows that I've had problems with self-injury before, but I guess he never thought I'd do it again. It's a long story, but something happened and I (without even really thinking) drank half a bottle of cough medicine to hurt myself/see what would happen two nights ago, just so I wouldn't have to think. I got really dizzy, fingers went numb, and fainted a few times, but was able to sleep and woke up in the morning drowsy but otherwise okay. I have a few bruises on my legs and shoulder area where I fainted and hit the side of my bed/stairs, but otherwise, completely fine. I've been pretty depressed for a while, and I'll go into more detail later, but there was a trigger two nights ago, and I was anxious and sad and scared and responded awfully to it.

I told him about what happened today, and at first he was just listening silently but then he completely broke down, started hysterically crying and yelling at me, saying "If you cared about me, you would never do something like this!" and "If you love me, you'll stop right now!" and I was grateful that he cared but he made me feel so guilty about doing it which made me feel worse than I already felt with my existing depression. I think part of the reason he broke down is that we are long-distance and will be for the rest of college, so he feels like he can't take care of me. I tried explaining that it wasn't his fault at all, and that I was trying to fix myself, but he didn't even want to ask me about the reasons behind why I self-injure, he just kept telling me to stop because I was being selfish, and that I was making him sad.

I'd been having a pretty okay day (one of the better ones since I've been depressed) before he'd called, but after that phone call I felt the worst I'd felt in ages. He called just a few hours ago, and I tried again to explain myself and tell him that this was kind of like an addiction, and I was trying to stop, but then he started crying again, saying he couldn't trust me to be safe at all anymore, saying that he would never have peace of mind, etc. etc. so that I ended up being the one who was comforting him.

I'd known my boyfriend was an emotional guy but I never knew that he was this emotional, and now I don't know what to do... I love him but talking to him on the phone with him crying like that makes me feel so guilty that it just makes my depression and desire for self-injury worse. I don't know if we should take a break (I suggested this and he said no, he'd go crazy worrying about me), or what I should tell him, or how I can explain this to him in a way that he'll understand. Please, if you have any insights, I would be very grateful to hear them.

Sorry this is such a long question, thank you for reading.

[Wondergirl]

This is your big chance to stop with the self injury. Now you have TWO people worried about you!

[J_9]

It's time to get out of the relationship, whether it's long distance of not. You need to get healthy for you before you can be healthy enough for a relationship.