[daveyc22]

Hey all,

Girlfriend of 7 years broke up with me 5 days ago and I'm CRUSHED.

A little background about us:

We've really been a great couple and madly in love for the last 7 years. We do everything together, have the same sense of humor, taste in food, goals, principles, etc.. Our relationship has been great the past few months. We've been planning to buy a house together, get engaged, and so on.. We are undeniably each other's best friends and rocks through everything. She relies on me for a lot and I am more than happy to do anything for her. My family has become her family. My family is as supportive, if not more, than her family. She gets along GREAT with my brother and sister (considers both of them two of her best friends/was in my sister's wedding) and great with my parents and extended family. We tried taking a break 2.5 years ago as we've been dating from 18 to maybe gain some insight and be sure we were right for each other. That "break" was a joke because we talked everyday and saw each other probably 4 days out of the week. We really couldn't be kept apart. The break went on for a few months like this until we officially got back together.

Fast forward to now.

Everything has been, I thought, as good as ever. We laugh together, hardly fight (bicker about small things), and are very supportive of each other's career and life goals.
Then out of nowhere she called me one afternoon and broke up with me. She said she takes me for granted and doesn't like who she is right now and needed time to herself to focus on herself. She is in a VERY demanding graduate school program (graduates in December) and is really stressed. In addition to that, over the last 7 years she has lost a lot of her friends and my friends and family have become her close friends. Over the past month she has been reconnecting with one of her older girlfriends who is also a great friend of mine.

Also, over the past month she's seen some of her friends and her sister make what she thinks are mistakes by getting engaged too fast of buying a home with someone too fast and I think that she is scared that may happen to her.

I did not contact her the day of the break up but the following day she texted me to see how I was doing and to tell me she really missed me. I told her I was OK, just shocked and surprised that she could give up on a 7 year relationship with her best friend and someone so compatible. She texted back that she doesn't know what the future holds and doesn't want to call it a "break" because that didn't work last time and she would feel guilty asking me to wait around for her but that this is something that she felt she had to do for her and me right now. She also said that she felt something had been off with us recently and she really wants to be sure about us and she's not entirely. She said most of the time the break up feels like she's making a huge mistake but some of the time she feels like its for the best and as much as it sucks, she's sticking to her guns. I let her know I respect her decision but I really disagreed with it.

The next day she texted me in the afternoon asking if it would be OK for her to come over the following night. I asked if it were to drop off clothes of mine that she had yeah and she wanted to talk a little. I agreed and asked how she was doing. She said she was OK but obviously having a really tough time even though she was the one doing this.

She texted me the next day letting me know she'd be by around 8 and asked if I were OK. I said I was OK, just lost without my best friend. She said I know I really miss you a lot. We'll talk tonight.

So she came over that night (without my clothes) and pretty much reiterated her thoughts. She said something felt off with her and she thought the spark was gone, or she may have been a little bored, and this was all she knew to do to get it back. She also said that it may be working already because she misses me so much and couldn't wait to see me. We talked for a while and I was just asking how she could potentially throw this away, etc.. She said she relies on me for too much and thinks she has been taking me for granted and really wants to figure out if we are perfect for each other. She said she really needed to take this time for herself and despite what I thought, she swore it was not to go out and meet other guys. She was adamant of explaining that we've been talking about buying a house together and she won't do that until she is sure that she is ready to be engaged and this is who she will marry because she never wants to divorce.

She made sure to explain, too, that she didn't want to call it a "break" because of how last time went. She also said she would like to keep communication as open as we could or play it by ear but I said I wasn't sure that was the best idea. She hugged me and kissed me on the neck and cried a lot that night.

After we talked, we went down to the living room to watch TV for a little while with my brother. While sitting next to her I texted her that this is the first night I felt like myself since the breakup and it was because she was there. She responded "I know, but I'm like still not sure but I felt better here tonight than I have and yeah I hate to get your hopes up but I think its from time apart." Later, I walked to her to her car and she hugged me, gave me a kiss, cried a little, and drove off.

She texted me when she got home that she was really glad we talked and that this could turn out good or bad for us but if its good it will be forever. She said she was excited for time to herself and was going to stay in on Friday night and go to the gym. She then said ' all right, well I'm going to bed. I won't say this every time I talk to you because it will defeat the purpose of me being alone right now but I love you and I appreciate that you heard me out tonight. '

I'm just really crushed about this whole thing. As of now, we're still listed as "in a relationship" on FaceBook. What do you think I should do from here? How should I handle this going forward? Should I continue NC and let her contact me? Do you think we have a chance at getting back together? It's so hard.

[C0bra_M3nace]

Now this ones tough because of the time you've spent together, but it's not the first time someone has woken up and doubted a relationship. It happens all the time, all you can do is give her the space she needs and respect her decision, no matter how wrong you believe it to be. If she continues to contact you then she's not trying to get over you, because the first step in getting over someone is no contact.

You have a couple choices, you can go no contact and begin your "moving on" period, by that, it would mean no answering, delete her off Facebook, etc.

You can wait around for her because obviously she doesn't want to move on, still texting and messaging you or taking you off her relationship status on Facebook. That would mean wasting time on it though, which in the end is ultimately your decision.

Best of luck.

[daveyc22]

At this point, I can't even imagine moving on. I don't want to move on really. I've seen what's out there and it's not what I want. Her and I are too good together. There was a time last summer when we talked about engagement and I said I wasn't ready and she got upset. I wish I was as ready then as I am now.

But I also don't want her to move on.

Sorry, I'm just really lost and never had to deal with this before. The only time I've been really sad about it is when her and I were talking. My mother and brother are both sad about it and miss her too.

[C0bra_M3nace]

You'll have to accept moving on as a possibility. It may not in this stage, because she may just need some time, but I've learned that if it didn't work out the first time, what makes you think it will a second? I would move on, or at least try to, time will heal you, and it's only as hard as you make it.

[Wondergirl]

I don't understand the need for "time for herself." She can make time for herself even in a committed relationship. Is she worried that she has "missed out on something" because she has been with you for seven years?

What I would do is insist on total NC if she is serious about "taking a break." So far there has been no break, just her piddling round with silly and vague statements about "finding herself." She wants her cake and wants to eat it too.

Couples counseling might be something to consider if she wants a break but can't seem to take one.

[daveyc22]

I suggested couples counseling but she doesn't want to do couples counseling before we're even married. I agree it seems she wants her cake and wants to eat it too.

The time to herself is something she always struggled with. It was always easy for her to blow things off to do something with me. i.e instead of go to the gym or studying, I could be going to dinner or suggest we go to dinner or something and she would choose to be with me.

My problem with total NC is that I am so sure about us that I don't want her to forget about me and I want this to work so bad. I don't want the love of my life to slip away.

You'll have to accept moving on as a possibility. It may not in this stage, because she may just need some time, but I've learned that if it didn't work out the first time, what makes you think it will a second? I would move on, or at least try to, time will heal you, and it's only as hard as you make it.

Well, the first time wasn't much of a break. Her good friend texted two days ago saying how she doesn't agree with it either. She said "honestly, all I can say is I really do think she will come back to you. Its up to you at that point if you want to take her back."

[Wondergirl]

Well, then. She seems to be holding all the cards. No couples counseling either because SHE doesn't want to. Hmmmm. I'm starting to want to smack some sense into this woman.

My response to her: "You want a break? Well, you've got a break. I'll give you two weeks to have time for yourself and to figure this out. We'll talk then [name a date] and make a decision about our relationship. Until then, we will have absolutely NO contact with each other."

[C0bra_M3nace]

Well, the first time wasn't much of a break. Her good friend texted two days ago saying how she doesn't agree with it either. She said "honestly, all I can say is I really do think she will come back to you. Its up to you at that point if you want to take her back."

By second time, I mean if you guys got back together now.

For all you know she could come back and 7 will turn into 17 years and she'll pull this same stunt but leave for good. Then instead of missing out 7 years, you'd be out 17. It's happened many times before. I'd move on and begin to forget.

[TrueFaith]

I don't see how someone can say I love you! But I need me time! It's like well if you loved me.. You can still have me in your life and do your own thing right? Not get lost in a relationship.

If I was you I would prepare for the worst big boy. I know it's not what you want to hear.. I think she has intrestest else where and that's why she wants to cut you off.. Because this new person has that SPARK that she talks about. And that's just because it's new!

I would tell her straight. If she wants time give it to her. But do not put your life on hold for her as she is unsure about you.. Which is what she is basically saying.
So do your own thing!

[talaniman]

I am going to assume you don't live together, and maybe she is afraid of going from her parents control to yours as its not uncommon to want to have control of yourself, and explore and experiment on your own. I think it a mistake to not have clearly define lines of what exactly this is, or the goal and outcome.

Its already been a week, and I suspect you have a while to go, so my suggestion is to put ALL your fears aside and assume she and you are single truly for the first time in your adult lives and start finding out what your thing is and do it.

The urge will be to wait. Don't, you also will have an urge to replace her, and the relationship. Don't. Do try and have some good clean fun without her, and none of this sitting on the pity pot crying in the toilet. (well maybe one good one), but grab a good friend and let him know you need to let your hair down for a while and mourn your loss.

Generally when you get dumped (don't care what the Facebook status says, That's BS, or her friends say, MORE BS), its up to you what YOU do about this break up, so put your dignity, and self respect out front, and upper most and throw yourself into getting busy during the day, and sleeping well at night. IF she gets ready to take a second look, let it be a confident together guy she sees, not a sniveling sponge.

Even if she gets busy herself to take a second look, there will be many who want a first one, and a chance to find out more. Have fun, and stay single to you are ready, and you will know when after you are happy with the life you build without her.

Just in case she find other things to do without you. It happens, but its hardly the end of the world, just a new chapter in your life.

[anthonyrichardc]

AH, the relationships stuff are real tough
Today you are in great love
Tomorrow it becomes so rough

Let's take a broader look at the horizon
The rises and sets of the sun
You'd gradually realise your life would be happy
ONLY if you let it be.

I understand how bad you are feeling right now, and I hope I could give you some suggestion.


First of all, please note the following:

1. You should find out the root cause of this situation. Is she behaving like this because she is over-stressed and out of her mind? From what you wrote, what she said (or says) lacks cohesiveness and seems a bit self-contradictory. If that is the case, show her your understanding and support.

2. GENERALLY speaking, if she really loves you she would never ever do this to you.

3. Girls tend to NOT appreciate a guy if she thinks you are "needy". On the contrary, she would value the relationship if she can not get you easily.


My suggestions:

1. Give her 2 choices. A) Continue the relationship and stop all that BS at once; B) Completely sever the relationship and stop all communications and contact right away for good.

2. Give her a deadline to make that decision. For example, the deadline is 8pm Wednesday. If she does not make a decision by the deadline, you would dump her for good.

3. Tell her that you love her, but that does not mean she can torture you like that.

4. Tell her to take that decision seriously, because once she has decided to leave you she could never get you back no matter how hard she tries.

Hope this helps a bit.

Best of luck.

Anthony

[chris08]

I am going through a similar situation, I have also set a 'deadline' date for a decision. I don't know if this is the way forward because the feeling I have got is that the ex girlfriend tries to avoid this at all costs. They are happy to keep stringing you along and again with setting a date you are putting your life on hold and waiting or counting down the days to this date. When the date comes more than likely you'll already know the answer what's coming. I'd be really interested to know if going NC and setting a deadline thing has worked with anybody on here ?

[daveyc22]

Thanks for the response. No we didn't live together for a variety of reasons. She lived with me while we were younger and I was in college but we both moved home at the end of semester. After that her parents bought her and her sister a condo that they lived in until a few months ago when her parents sold it. She has since moved home and planned to live there until she was done with grad school. But that's a big point because any of our "bickers" stemmed from the fact that we didn't see each other enough. I brought that up the other day and I think she seemed to agree and agree that if we were to get back together what the next step would be.

She reached out to me on Friday and we had a good talk. Decided to set a mid-July limit on this. She did say that if we decide to get back together, she wants to at least enjoy some of the summer together.

Thanks again for the response. In the meantime, I've tried staying busy and going out with friends. I'm OK when I'm out but really, really miss her.

[drsmoketto]

How did this turn out? Really curious to know as I am going through an almost identical situation.

Cheers

[talaniman]

How did this turn out? Really curious to know as I am going through an almost identical situation.

Cheers

No one can know unless the OP comes back with an update, but you can post your own question on this site.