[Uponthedownside]

I'm a single 27yr old male with no real friends in my life! I won't bore you with how this came to happen (I always seemed a happy popular guy at school etc) however, as I entered my late teens I seemed to just lose contact with those whom I thought were close friends at the time! In hindsight, we just grew apart and I think sometimes you just have to respect and understand that! I probably could have tried harder to keep intouch with them, but I didn't and evidently things ended abit bitter as they turned rather nasty!

This had a really negative effect on me at the time and I became really withdrawn and unhappy (stopped going out, cut my ties with pretty much everyone I knew and just hid myself away.) I just fell deeper and deeper into this horrible social rut that I just couldn't get out of! I quit my job and at my worst suffered bouts of aggrophobia! It was horrendous

I really feel like I've missed out on so much on a social front and that has had a major negative effect on me!

Although I've made some great strides in recent years (I managed to land a great job) however, my colleagues are a lot older than me and are more like aquantancies than friends!

I have always steered clear of Facebook (but I do cheekily check up on people that I used to know! It seems like pretty much everyone is on there! But it does make me realise what I've missed out on! Most of them have all there fun holiday and nights out photo memories on there, some have even had children now. I'm really thinking about joining, nothing ventured nothing gained etc! But it is daunting (what if no one adds or accepts me as a friend etc, haha) I know it sounds silly but hey! Also I can't imagine that anything will come out of it, other than someone just accepts your friend request and that's the end of that etc!

The reason I'm posting this on here, is to ask for some advise on how can I move forward from this and make some good friends in my life etc!

I realise that I haven't helped myself in the past, by getting into this mess but I just want to move on now and help myself be happy! I just don't really know how to do it. I want to have some good friends in my life and I would love to meet a nice girl and have fun, which is something I haven't done in a long time!

Thanks for reading and look forward to hearing your suggestions!
S x

[someoneanswerme]

Sorry for reposting and changing, the site was being such a bum!
Your such a cutie, after reading that it made me angry that people haven't bother giving you any replies.
This is such a simple thing to resolve, well I'm a very sociable person so I guess that's easy for me to say.
Honestly all you need to do is work on your social skills, you should definitely make Facebook again, after all it is a social networking site. Go add all your friends back from when you used to speak to them, build the bridges back again especially with the ones you've had a bad time with.. apologise, let them know how you feel. So what if some don't accept your request, but I'm sure they're will be some that will :) And for the ones that do make conversation with them if they haven't done so, ask them how they've been what their life is like now since you last spoke. If you can then arrange a get together, give it time first to see if they accept this. Don't sound too desperate or you'll freak them out like your stalking them. Go hit the club, work on your social skills, meet new people. Make little conversation with people when its appropriate. Just be yourself, don't try to be anyone else.

Best of luck x

[joypulv]

Making friends is about being friendly and asking people about themselves. It isn't about presenting yourself or finding out if they like you. It also isn't nearly as risky as you might fear (from the way you talk about Facebook). Get on FB, add some pictures and your profile and start looking for family, people you know at work, people you went to school with, even high school. If they don't 'friend' back, don't agonize. They might be away, they might not be there much, or they might not like using it any more. I keep my friend list pretty small and sometimes ignore requests from people I barely know because I think they are just trying to see how many hundreds or even thousands they can get.
Meeting someone to date is the same - be friendly, ask her about herself, what she likes, what her opinions are. Add little things here and there or if she asks you, but make sure you don't talk more than she does or go on and on. Keep it natural so that it doesn't sound like an interview for a wife! Walking around while eating ice cream helps give time for pauses, or to comment on the sights.

[Uponthedownside]

Thanks a lot for the replies you two, ha. It meant a lot!

Yeah I think I should get on FB really (better late than never I guess!) Though I must admit, I really don't know how it works out in terms of when you friend someone or vice versa whom you haven't spoken to in a long time, if it's common for them to then send you a private message (to get the ball rolling etc?) I also wouldn't like people to see how many friends I've got (ha, for obvious reasons) I know you can make it as private as you like on there but is it abit strange to hide your friends list from your FB friends?

As for some of the old friends, I don't think I will add them unless they want to me! I've no regrets with regard to that!

Also it's not just as easy as hitting the bars clubs etc when you have nobody to go out with, haha!

But thanks again and take care :)
S x

[Wondergirl]

You can practice on this site with us. Many of us have known each other for years from other Q&A sites, and we're always open to making a new friend. No, you won't be able to sit down at a real Pizza Hut table and eat a real pepperoni and onion pizza with us, but you can practice your online conversation skills and get tips from all of us. Alty can tell you all about her pets and her two kids and I can tell you stories about my four cats and Curlyben can teach you British words and phrases. You can answer questions (favorite question posted 900 times a day: "am i pregnut?") I'll even sign you up to write a blog essay if you're interested. We can have lots of fun!

[ANGIE4124]

Fact is; your generation (not all) are so screwed up worrying about Facebook, texting each other, waiting for a reply, getting emotional (sometimes irrational) about why someone has not replied or what did that person mean by that text and so forth… Is it any wonder why (some) people are incapable today of being a REAL FRIEND when they are so self-absorbed? WOW if only I had these social skills, these levels of maturity and confidence Id have hundreds of GENUINE friends in my life – NOT!

However since you are an agoraphobic in remission and prone to depression; I would keep alert to the pit falls of being too comfortable at home with your texting, Internet usage and TV etc. Those things are not conducive hobbies but counter productive; a distraction that will disable you in the end. That is; Quote - I really feel like Ive missed out on so much on a social front and that has had a major negative effect on me!

Then start with these acquaintances at work that you mention; keep in mind we are all acquaintances until we find a common interest in one another… Have you nothing in common with them? Is this a place without sense of humour, a chance to invite someone over to watch a game or out for a casual drink after work? Their age has thing to do with you generating friendship, its an excuse you use to cover up your insecurity and or lack of confidence! You apparently have a gift in writing and expressing yourself honestly… Just do it FACE TO FACE. Or are you looking to join Facebook anyway, stay in your comfort zone by advancing your social skills from home and letting more years go by without REAL experiences?

[LadySam]

You have a great gift of expression, I can't imagine that you would ever bomb when you strike up a conversation with a co-worker, or a complete stranger for that matter.
I find that I make small talk in the grocery store or anywhere else I may be, no they probably won't turn into lasting friendships but just being social in that small way gives me a little more confidence and allows me to feel good about the world around me and the people in it when I feel myself getting into a funk.
I can't speak much about Facebook, I may check mine once every month or so just to see if there have been new pictures posted of friends children etc.
As wondergirl said practice on us, there are some wonderful conversationalists here.
So what are your interests?
It's going to be a matter of putting yourself out there and remembering that to have a friend you have to be a friend.
I know that is a tired old saying but it is true.

[Uponthedownside]

Wow, thanks once again for your lovely replies. Ha, it's funny cause with regard to having an apparent gift for expression (I love songwriting in my free time!) I think when a compliment comes from a total stranger, you have to take something positive from it! :)

Yeah I shall take on board all that's been said. At the end of the day I just want to be seen to actually be helping myself move on and be happy on a social front. I think FB would certainly be a start if nothing more than to confront the past and show that yourself that your ready to move forward (although it does still feel abit daunting, but maybe that's a good thing!) I think in time I will also possibly pursue a good online dating website which has been suggested to me a few times in the past!

As much as I like my work colleagues they are all like uncles to me, haha. They are married with children and tend to not want to go out for drinks etc. They would probably like to do other activities (golf, bike riding etc) but not too often I wouldn't imagine! I do want to socialise with my own generation though! I think it's important!

Thanks to you all
S x

[JudyKayTee]

I think any type of social contact gets you "out there" - as long as it doesn't consume your life.

FB has its place. I also talk to strangers in grocery stores, when I'm out and about. No, they'll never be my best friends but they are usually nice and interesting people.

I never wanted to "hang out" with people from work - if I wanted to talk about work, I'd stay at work. Those friendships also tend to be work related. Job ends, friendship ends.

[LadySam]

Wow, thanks once again for your lovely replies. Ha, it's funny cause with regard to having an apparent gift for expression (i love songwriting in my free time!) I think when a compliment comes from a total stranger, you have to take something positive from it! :)

Yeah i shall take on board all that's been said. At the end of the day i just want to be seen to actually be helping myself move on and be happy on a social front. I think FB would certainly be a start if nothing more than to confront the past and show that yourself that your ready to move forward (although it does still feel abit daunting, but maybe that's a good thing!) I think in time i will also possibly pursue a good online dating website which has been suggested to me a few times in the past!

As much as I like my work colleagues they are all like uncles to me, haha. They are married with children and tend to not want to go out for drinks etc. They would probably like to do other activities (golf, bike riding etc) but not too often i wouldn't imagine! I do want to socialise with my own generation though! I think it's important!

Thanks to you all
S x

Song writing huh? So you are also creative? I love to write myself, poetry mostly, but those are almost songs.
Just curious, but do you find that when you do your best writing is when you are feeling a little melancholy or when you are up?
In the grand scheme of things you seem to have a good grasp on what you need.
As far as work goes, people move on and the relationships are often over at that point.
So friends outside of work are important also,like you said, your own age.
But as Judy pointed out don't let it consume you, take your time, only you know your comfort level.

[Uponthedownside]

Aww yeah I really hope so, hopefully things will start to happen soon! x

Ha, I suppose you could say it's creative! I took it up a few years back and still really enjoy it. Yeah I would definitely say that I tend to write best when I'm feeling in that bittersweet mood, ha!

Poetry hey? Naturally I think that forms a big part of songwriting! I love it, words and sayings can be so inspiring! Have you ever had any of your poems published or do you write just for yourself?

[JudyKayTee]

I've had three poems published, one short story, have been working on a book forever. I enjoy writing, was an English major. I actually did study music for years but never was able to write - nor had the interest.

[LadySam]

Wow, lots of writers here. I have one poem that was published, it was a poem about how I viewed the growth of my children entitled "Babies to Teens" kind of hokey and emotional but a poetry society thought it was good enough for their front page. I don't know about that but our copy of the book is a small legacy I will leave to my kids. Two kids, one book, I don't know how that will work.
I have many other poems that I keep to myself and the people they were written for.
I have been working on a short story about one of my dogs and the trials we had together after a lengthy medical recovery for him. His memory occupies a part of my heart that still aches a little.
I find sadly that my best work is done when I am a little blue, I didn't know if that was normal for others who wrote, that is why I asked the question. I hope you didn't mid.
So do you do anything with your songs? Or like me, do you kind of keep them all to yourself?
I hope you will take this to heart form a total stranger, but you seem like a lovely young man, and I for one and I know others here, wish you great success in your current endeavor to find valuable, lasting friendships.
Oh, yeah, I believe wondergirl is a published author also, so much talent here. And you stumbled right into it. Seems like we all lucked out.

[Uponthedownside]

Haha, yeah sure does!

Ah that's really nice of you to say! I definitely think being able to write and express things is a talent and shouldn't be taken for granted!

I've been writing for around 3 years now and having slowly started to build up a collection of my own songs that even if they mean nothing to nobody else, they mean something to me! And the always will, I hope!

I'm still working on my sound but I am yet to play a live gig to anyone (ha, a very very daunting prospect for me!) I hope I can overcome this one day and perform my songs to people with ease but as I write this I am not at all confident that will ever happen!

I would love to hear some of your poems, but only if you was comfortable enough to show them!

Have a good weekend everyone,
S x

[LadySam]

I'm not at all uncomfortable sharing my poems, I write because I enjoy it, it is cathartic at times and I've never thought to make profit from it.
But I do like to hear others honest unbiased opinions of them at times.
I don't know that this forum would be the proper one for sharing though, perhaps a thread in the members forums would be a better place.
So if you are like me about your writing, you may get a little down about something or something good has happened, whichever the case may be. You are feeling a little inspired.
You sit down with pen and paper or at your keyboard.
That inspiration is now in written form and reading it back, you see how you actually feel about something.
Am I right so far?
By reading back it is likely that you gain a little window into how others see you.
Use that. It's a valuable tool
For example: both my children also like to write.
In my daughters writing I see emotion, pain, love, devotion to those she loves.
In my sons' writing (songs by the way) I see a touch of anarchy, rebellion, I see a headstrong young man who also has an open heart and ability to overlook peoples faults, but at the same time not be taken advantage of or trampled on.
Does that make sense?

[Uponthedownside]

Haha, bless yes it makes sense! ;)

I think it's really admirable actually!
X

[LadySam]

What do you find admirable?
---looking slightly puzzled--

I'm betting you could peg aspects of my personality by reading something that I wrote.
Likewise, I could you.
So plans for the weekend or are you sitting this one out?

[Uponthedownside]

What do you find admirable?
---looking slightly puzzled--

I find it admirable when people are able to express themselves about how they may feel etc!

I'm betting you could peg aspects of my personality by reading something that I wrote.
Likewise, I could you.

Haha, oh really? Hmm sounds interesting, go on then, I'll tell you if you're right?

So plans for the weekend or are you sitting this one out?

No plans as such other than house hunting! Looking for my first house, so that's something nice to focus on at the moment! Yourself?

[LadySam]

Ah, now I understand, yes to be able to put into words how you feel is admirable and a gift.
Not a gift that every one has, my significant other (bless his heart) couldn't express his way into a dinner invitation, because no one would realize he was hungry.
He has other admirable qualities that I adore.
But this is not about him or me.
It's about your friendship quest. House hunting sounds like it could lead to some new relationships, change of scenery, new neighbors, just make certain you don't wind up in a retirement community. You could wind up with lots of uncles and aunts.
But you would no doubt never be hungry, us older folks like to feed you.
As for the writing thing, still not sure about the site rules re: that but I'll see if I can't find out, actually I would love to read one of your songs, if you were comfortable sharing.

[Wondergirl]

As for the writing thing, still not sure about the site rules re: that but I'll see if I can't find out, actually I would love to read one of your songs, if you were comfortable sharing.

There is a Writing board. Please feel free to post on it. Oh, and be aware that posting on it is akin to "publishing," so if you want to send in a poem somewhere for publication, please don't post it on Writing.

Perhaps I can interest Uponthedownside to write something for our site blog. LadySam's tribute to dogs is there now.