[crossbowchic]

Dear,
I need help on a situation that, I guess can be described as somewhat abusive. My 20-year-old sister "Kim" has turned into a burden that I don't think I can handle, nor do I want to. I feel like my family is being torn apart an I am being torn up inside.
"Kim" is the middle child in the family; I am the eldest. I don't believe that the "middle child syndrome" is a factor in this situation. We all get enough attention: I get it for being the oldest, the youngest gets it because she whines and cries until she gets her way and "Kim" gets it because she thinks that she is being rebellious. "Kim" probably had the best relationship with our parents out of the three of us. My parents have always made sure that we were never in want. When we were 16, everyone received her driver's license and a car to use. We all had the chance to go to college after high school (As of yet, I finished my degree and "Kim" took a year off but is going back to school). When I studied music, I received my own trumpet and when she wanted to study equine medicine, my parents bought a horse.
I know that "Kim" does not have great self esteem. One night while she was drunk, she poured her heart out and I listened and tried to make her feel better. The next day, she back to yelling and screaming like nothing happened. She also complains about her body. She is not skinny, but she is not overweight. She complains about how fat she is while eating a half gallon of ice cream. She has used diet pills and lost weight, but she has become jealous of me because I have lost a lot of weight and while I'm not skinny, my collar bones poke out. She thinks that she can make herself feel better by calling us "fat a**es" and telling us how ugly we are, especially the youngest sister. My mom has a theory that she thinks she is acting cute and just picking on us for fun even though it really hurts. By the same token, if someone starts to pick on her in fun, she will storm out of the house. "Kim" moved out of the house a year ago and comes and goes as she pleases. Usually, she will enter the house without saying a word and also leave that way, the whole time silent. She will act like this until whe needs or wants something, then she acts as innocent as a lamb until someone says no, when she then, of course, storms out of the house.
Acting like this shows me that "Kim" knows (or at least thinks) that she can take advantage of my parents. Since she was at least 16, she has been stealing credit cards and money from my parents. She even took a debit card and withdrew a few hundred dollars. She lied about knowing where it went and the day before my parents were going to go to the police to get photos and press charges did she admit any wrongdoing. I don't remember her ever getting in trouble for any of this and my parents ate the losses. She went out and bought a car the my dad had to cosign for. She has since made one payment for car/insurance. She wanted a better cell phone and has yet to pay back my parents. She even borught home a dog (who I love to pieces) that she claimed to have found on the side of the highway. It came out later that she had adopted it and then stole my mom's credit card to pay for supplies.
Her credit card debt is also annoying us. She has racked up so much debt that creditors continuously call the house for her. I have half a mind to pic up the phone and redirect them to her new number so that we can have a little piece at home in the evenings. It's aweful when my dad says he doesn't want to hear the message that we all now know by heart. Because she doesn't live at home anymore, she thinks that she can ignore them and they will go away. She doesn't get the message that this just doesn't go away.
I know that my parents have only good intentions for us. They want us to have every opportunity and advantage that they can give us. For example, when I went to college, I received a computer so that I could do my school work. Since "Kim" is going back to school, she is getting the same deal but the last words so far to my mom were "f**k you." My parents loves us all dearly, but my dad seems to also think that if he works harder, it will go away and my mom will just get mad and not say anything until it is all blown out of proportion. I've heard it all from the above to even homicidal threats. I want to move out to escape this because it has not been good for my well-being, but I am not yet financially stable. I am even afraid to have my parents buy me lunch because I don't want to be more of a finincial burden on them than they already have. They are paying for my sister's mistakes. I want to know what I can do to improve the situation at the house until I am able to move out. Would you also have any advice for my parents?

Thank you

[pretty_in_pink]

Maybe tell your parents to "GIVE-UP" on her... ignore her... or something...

By forgiving her every time she makes mistakes, she thinks that she can always get away with it... that she will always be forgiven... I'm sorry but I think your sister is abusive and needs to see a doctor...

I envy you for having very loving parents and ever forgiving... from where I come from, young kids receive PUNISHMENTS until they're doing the right thing, ground them (not allowed to use phone or go out with friends) or stuffs... spank them (butt with belt)... that way we (yes, I had a taste of the belt thing) would know that by doing bad things, we will get hurt because what we're doing is bad.

In the US, they are not allowed to hit their kids or scold them (I think) that's why many kids yell at their parents, moreover say "f**k you" to them... here, parents teaches their kids to respect the parents and if they don't.. they get 1-2 spanking... just enough to let them feel how it hurts to "disobey"

You see... it's hard to be in your position, but if you'll leave your parents, who will be there for them if Kim comes back and take their money AGAIN... maybe you, as the eldest, must step-in and protect your parents... and you should let her know that what she's doing is WRONG.

Your sister is a brat... a person who always thinks that she will always be forgiven... that she can always get away with crime...

If she's my sister, I'll tell the police to get her and teach her a lesson or 2!! Like DUUUHHHHH!!

[coyote]

The first thing you need to relize is that it is not your problem to fix. Being the eldest myself it's hard to accept the fact that we can't change the way people are. Even if it's for their own good. Your parents are treating your sister the way they do because they are good parents. When they get tired of taking care of, and picking up after her mistakes, then they'll try a different plan of action. Maybe you should tell your parents how you feel. Not saying anything bad about your sister or about how they are dealing with it. They can't argue with the way you feel. I'm sure your parents will help you with lunch, you are one of the few people in the world who has 2 good parents. Eventually you will move out, and if it makes you feel better you can repay them. Your sister does need some help, but she's just not ready to accept it if it doesn't come in the form of money. Right now there doesn't seem to be a easy way out. You should definitely give the credit card people her new number. I know that's not the nicest thing to do, but it's not fair for you to be dealing with them. There doesn't seem to be an easy way out, the best thing that you can get out of this situation is to learn understanding and compassion.

[fredg]

Hi,
Wow, that is a long post.
Are you old enough to get a part-time job? In that way, it would let you feel like you are contributing to the family's income somewhat... and give you some extra money with which you can do with as you see fit.
Your parents will have to work this out for themselves.
You have to realize that this problem will continue forever with your sister and your parents, until either she or your parents decide to forget it.
Best of luck,
fredg