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TLP2212 · May 15, 2012, 06:14 AM

Hi, I lost my boyfriend 2 weeks ago in a car accident, we were together for two and half years and lived together for more than a year. He was the best thing that ever happened to me and now I just can't let go, I get over his death and feel like an aimless person with no reason for living. I feel like no one understands what I am going through, we did everything together, never ate without each other and even went on lunch together because we worked for the same company. Everywhere I go reminds me of him but the thing I am struggling with right now is that as much as I try and remember our life together, I cant, it seems to be blocked out. Somedays I feel like I just want to cry my eyes out but I can't bring myself to do so. My mum lives in Durban and came up to stay with me for week but had to leave and now I am alone, I have no family here except my brother but he hardly speaks because he was in the same accident because my boyfriend and him were best friends and he survived the accident. What do I do?

MISSV730 · May 15, 2012, 06:48 AM

Sorry for your lost :(
Well this is just my personal advice..
First its not healthy to mop or for your brother to blame himself I mean things happen and what you need to do is start a new life make sure your around people that make you and brother laugh even though its hard you have to try this what I did when my mom died it was hard and still is after 4 years it only gets better with time but sad to say you never get over it...
Yes you will cry and crying is good just because you lost him don't mean you have to let him go he will always be will you just don't get to depressed by thinking about him too much intil you and your brother can get to the point where you can laugh and joke about him and all the funny antics you did together stay clear of sad moods and BE HAPPY GOOD LUCK!!

TLP2212 · May 15, 2012, 07:05 AM

Originally Posted by MISSV730

sorry for your lost :(
well this is just my personal advice..
first its not healthy to mop or for your brother to blame himself i mean things happen and what you need to do is start a new life make sure your around people that make you and brother laugh even though its hard you have to try this what i did when my mom died it was hard and still is after 4 years it only gets better with time but sad to say you never get over it....
yes you will cry and crying is good just because you lost him don't mean you have to let him go he will always be will you just dont get to depressed by thinking about him too much intil you and your brother can get to the point where you can laugh and joke about him and all the funny antics yall did together stay clear of sad moods and BE HAPPY GOOD LUCK!!!!

Thanks for your help, I guess my brother still has thoughts of the accident and even though he was not driving, kind of blames himself. In all honesty, only GOD can me now.

redhed35 · May 15, 2012, 07:23 AM

You are totally raw with grief right now, your whole world as you knew it has been turned upside down.

Its so difficult to make sense of anything right now, just facing the day and drawing breath is hard, don't try force those memories to come, your in shock, your brain and body need time to process, that can take anywhere from 6 months to a year to two years, depends on the indivdual.

For now, gathering up emotional support is what you need, can you take a leave of absence from work, maybe stay with your mom for awhile?

Grief is very person specific, everyone finds their own way through, there's no set rule or formula, but there are things that others have found helpful, they may not be for you but perhaps worth considering down the road.

1. start a journal, just randam thoughts, things about your boyfriend you remember, memories, pictures.

2. write him a letter, write yourself a letter, just say how your feeling, it does not have to be long, just how you feel your thoughts.

3. talk to a counsellor, this is not for everyone, some people don't feel they need it straight away or at all, others may look for a counsellor in a few months or even years.

4. talking about it, talking about him, you, how different things are now, friends and family are your best bet, really purge.. often though friends and family recover faster and tend to burn out, that's when a lot of people turn to counsellors.

As for your brother he is going through his own emotional turmoil right now, if you could lean on each other it would be good.

All I can add is the passing of time does help, you are forever changed, you can learn to live without him and find a way to make a new normal for yourself.

Fr_Chuck · May 15, 2012, 07:41 AM

You don't do anything except cry and cry and grieve if that is what you want to do. It is not easy , As time passes, think of a project he may have wanted you to do in his memory or honor. If you want go to grief counseling, most areas have several groups that meet weekly.

And your brother is having the same issues, now, and often there is no need to talk, just being there for each other.

sam1980 · May 28, 2012, 11:58 AM

Hi
I am sorry for your loss, I truly understand what you are going through. I lost my boyfirend of nine years 2 months. It was so sudden. I too don't know what to do, that's why I seek other people on here who are going through the same thing. We too did everything together, life does not seem matter anymore. All I knew was him, everywhere I look reminds me of him. It still doesn't seem real even though I know he is not here. I ache for him so much and just want him to hold me but I know he cant.
I would advise you to let your emotions and cry is helps in a way and spend a lot of time with family and close ones, I know you said you live far from your mum , I would suggest you take some compasionate leave from work and spend some time with family.
There are days when I just don't want to get out of bed as I think there is no point. I don't think about nothing else but him every second of every day. If you want to to speak I would be glad to.

JudyKayTee · May 28, 2012, 01:27 PM

Grief is different for everyone - similar in some ways, very different in others. Two months is a very short period when grieving is involved. Spending time with family and close friends doesn't work for everyone. Some people are more comfortable alone. Others need/want to discuss their loved ones. Everyone's grief is different.

I was widowed. I do believe if your grief is so raw that you think of him every second of every day you should speak to someone - it's a short period, of course, but there should be some hours (not days) that are better than others by this time.

I'm not saying not to grieve. I still have moments, years later, when I can't believe my husband died. I still occasionally think I hear his key in the lock.

Your life will never again be the same. It will be good. It just won't be the same. I don't think you can live through a stunning loss and come out the other side of grief unchanged.

And, yes, several of us who post here know what it's like to not care if the sun comes up in the morning. I remember actually pushing myself to get up, stumbling through the days on auto pilot, waiting for night time and darkness.

It will get better. I promise.

TLP2212 · Jul 1, 2012, 01:43 PM

Hi, not sure how doing, its been 2 months and still I feel like its so unreal. There are days when I feel like there is no point of going on and wish I was in that accident with him just so that I could've been with him even in death. I ask myself what is the point of life right now and I know no matter what people may say its never going to get better for me. Let me know how you doing and if you need a listening ear, I can't promise that I will be of assistance but I can promise to understand how you feel help you if possible.

JudyKayTee · Jul 1, 2012, 02:03 PM

Originally Posted by TLP2212

Hi, not sure how doing, its been 2 months and still I feel like its so unreal. There are days when I feel like there is no point of going on and wish I was in that accident with him just so that I could've been with him even in death. I ask myself what is the point of life right now and I know no matter what people may say its never going to get better for me. Let me know how you doing and if you need a listening ear, I can't promise that I will be of assistance but I can promise to understand how you feel help you if possible.

It never gets easier - it does get bearable.

It's just so recent for you that I'm still you're somewhat in shock.

I said the same things you are saying, then it gradually got better. My late husband always told me that how I would go on, how I would handle his death, would honor his memory. I try to remember that.

TLP2212 · Jul 1, 2012, 02:11 PM

Hi Kay

Thanks for the response, just wish that I could have been with him then I wouldn't be going through this. You know my boyfriend said the same thing to me that I am strong and would be able to cope if something happened to him but I think that it is far from the truth

JudyKayTee · Jul 1, 2012, 02:44 PM

I think you'd be surprised at how strong you really are - you must be because you've survived the loss this long.

Hlobs · Jul 7, 2012, 12:21 PM

I lost my boyfriend 2 weeks and a day ago, I was with him the whole day a day before he passed away, I really thought he was going to make it and the doctors said the same thing. But the following I was told he has passed away went to the hospital to make sure because I was in shock and couldn't believe it. Ever since that day I have been so lost empty, and misarable. I feel bd for our son because I can't deal with the loss and take good care of our boy and to make it worse they share the same name and they look the same. I am falling apart without him and I don't know what normal is anymore as he was everything to me. I call his mom everyay and chat to his sister and friends so tjat I can feel close to him each day. I also talk to him when I miss him especially in the morning because I use to chat to him on my way to work. For a long tim

JudyKayTee · Jul 7, 2012, 12:35 PM

I remember those first days and weeks and months - I am so very sorry. You have to keep going for your son. He can't lose both parents!

I wish I had magic words but I don't - but keep talking to him. I still talk to my husband after all this time.

I'm really so very sorry. I remember that empty feeling so very clearly. You describe it well - empty.

Hlobs · Jul 8, 2012, 12:38 AM

Thank you for your words of encourangement knowing that it will better is all I really need right now. God bless you

JudyKayTee · Jul 8, 2012, 04:28 AM

Any time you need a shoulder or a hug or a kind word - please, I mean it. I remember so very well how very alone I felt, even in a crowd.

There will be peaks and valleys but I promise they will begin to even out. It just takes time. You will see your boyfriend in your son, so your boyfriend in a way lives on.

Any time you need some support, I'm here.

Hounder1 · Aug 20, 2012, 02:43 PM

I lost my boyfriend July 7th 2012 and all I want to do is die too. He was my everything and the only person I had in my life that made me feel sane.. We were soul mates and I was always so happy to have him in my life he was absolutely perfect for me, everything I ever wanted.. I can't see how I will ever meet someone so amazing like him again.. we've been together for 4 years and I pictured the rest of our lives together, but some dumbass cut him off on the road and he lost control and died in the rollover his best friend survived though with just a sprained arm... I'm going to be 20 yrs old soon and he was 21... I was depressed in my life before I met him and now I'm back to the depression I had before because he understood me and made me happy.

JudyKayTee · Aug 20, 2012, 02:51 PM

Originally Posted by Hounder1

I lost my boyfriend July 7th 2012 and all I want to do is die too. He was my everything and the only person I had in my life that made me feel sane.. We were soul mates and I was always so happy to have him in my life he was absolutely perfect for me, everything I ever wanted.. I can't see how I will ever meet someone so amazing like him again..we've been together for 4 years and I pictured the rest of our lives together, but some dumbass cut him off on the road and he lost control and died in the rollover his best friend survived though with just a sprained arm... I'm gunna be 20 yrs old soon and he was 21...I was depressed in my life before I met him and now I'm back to the depression I had before because he understood me and made me happy.

I wish I had magic words. My late husband was on the kidney transplant list, third in line, in fact. He was that close when he died. It's hard not to feel resentment, "why that person and not him"? Do you have some resentment toward the friend who was basically not injured? It's a normal reaction.

I'm so sorry - I can tell you it eventually becomes something you can live with. Maybe better but not better - do you know what I mean? Life is never the same. You will never be the same. That's a fact of life. Will you smile again? Yes.

I could give you all the "he would want you to go on," blah, blah, blah - but I'm sure you heard that and I used to just wish people would shut up.

All that helped me was people who listened. My husband was dead over seven months when one night it just all came to a head and I stood in the shower and pounded my fists on the walls and screamed and cried. Seven months!

You will have lows and highs - again, I wish I could hug you and say something wise and wonderful, but there is no magic answer.

I wish you peace. And I'm so sorry.

missafish546 · Oct 1, 2012, 11:35 PM

As Kay said, it never gets easier, but it does get bearable. Although you will never forget this pain you are in, with time you will be able to find a way to live with it. When my boyfriend died in 2005, I went through the most difficult experience of my life. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that in time you will be able cope with all of the pain/loss you are experiencing.

JudyKayTee · Oct 2, 2012, 06:18 AM

Originally Posted by missafish546

As Kay said, it never gets easier, but it does get bearable. Although you will never forget this pain you are in, with time you will be able to find a way to live with it. When my boyfriend died in 2005, I went through the most difficult experience of my life. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that in time you will be able cope with all of the pain/loss you are experiencing.

Seven years for you. I'm sorry for your loss and, yes, eventually "you" cope with the grief - and that's the best you can expect for a long time.

Very well written.

shugirl53 · Dec 10, 2012, 05:14 PM

My boyfriend died 8 days ago. I have trouble sleeping and eating. All I think of is him. It gets especially lonely at dusk. He loved beautiful sunsets that we used to go to different places just to see a perfect sunset. I have been spending my time compiling his photos and making a video tribute for him. I am also spending more time with my mother and even sleeping in her room. The pain and longing is too much but I know God will not give me more than I can bear. Everyday, I look up to Him for comfort and just surrender everything to His perfect will.