[ulsterman]

Will be as brief as possible. Both me and my wife are in our second marriages with each other, for about 5 years now. It has been a turbulent time as we have had to deal with every blended family issue imaginable, but also a having a baby 2 years ago. The main issue that I have is with how my wife views me. When we first got married the economy was in the tank, I had to take a job that was considerably less in pay verses my education level as it was all I could find. My wife would always make hurtful comments to this situation as my pay was lower than expected and with me having to pay child support to my first wife, well, money was scarce. She would often tell me that I and the baby were a "liability". This is where the problems started. She would often compare me to her ex(who is very well off) in a negative light, often times saying "he at least took care of me", "he takes care of his kids", on and on and on. Now last year I was finally able to find a job in my degree field so money now is not a big issue. But, going through all of this made me really question if she viewed me lesser than her ex, as crazy as that sounds.

Well, her ex is coming to visit their kids next week. He lives out of the country so he will be staying for 2 weeks. The whole time hanging out at our house, eating dinner with us and visiting. I have no issue at all with him seeing his kids, thus me opening up my home to him. I asked her last night, that given our history( and their's, she often times referred to him as her true love) she might pay me a little extra attention just so to ease the tension. She responded she shouldn't have to do that, which I said was fine, just thought it help me out a little. I then asked if she loved me as much as she ever did him. I know this is a silly question, but at the moment I was felling insecure and just wanting to know where I stood. She replied that she has never loved me like she did him, that she gave him her whole heart and has yet to do so with me, mainly because of the difficulties in our marriage. I was taken aback by this and asked if maybe some of our difficulties came from her withholding love. She didn't really have a response other than he was her true love and it was a good time in her life. Im just looking on feedback here. Is this because she is feeling nostalgia for a time, almost 20 years ago, that was just more fun and I should take that as her reasoning. Or is this a problem that won't go away and I just have to deal with being 2nd. I won't lie, I hate the way it made me feel, and especially with him visiting next week I thought it was ill timed. Any helpful info would be appreciated.

[Fr_Chuck]

Not only does she have poor attitude and communication, but you have also a poor outlook on your work and income. A person should be happy and proud of what they do, if it is cleaning toliets.

She should be happy you have a job at all, my guess is about 20 percent of the US do not, and many have stopped looking

I would suggest marriage counseling to learn to communicate.

Next no he does not have to "hang out at the house" he does not have to "eat at your house"

He has a motel room, or stays with other family or friends in the area. He comes and picks up the kids and GO somewhere,

Sorry no he does not stay around and live at your home. That is totally disrespectful.

[Jake2008]

It is easy to back in time (in this case 20 years) and remember all the good times with a ex husband (or boyfriend/girlfriend). I'm sure you could do the same. Nature has a way of softening the hardship, and keeping the good memories.

But, she did divorce him right? There must have been good reason to do that, especially with having children with him.

I'm thinking (and hoping) that her negativity stems from stress. She has found a way to hurt you, as a way of making herself feel better. She is pitting the good memories of an old relationship, with the bad recent memories. It is like comparing apples and oranges.

I know if I get overwhelmed with problems and preoccupied with knowing the week is going to get harder still, I'm in a miserable mood when I get home, and even though my husband is just reading the paper and watching the news on TV, he gets 'the attitude'. And he's done nothing wrong.

My mistake is not dealing with my own stress, in ways that resolve problems, and not 'punish' him.

Maybe it is the same for your wife. I know its hard not to think beyond the words and actions directed to you, but try to deflect and not make a big deal out of it- realize you did nothing wrong, and that her attitude isn't caused by you.

The two of you have been through a lot, and to focus on her hurting your feelings, instead of the positive- that you have pulled yourself and your family up and are doing much better thanks to hard work I'm sure, is unbalanced.

As you have agreed (at least not complained) about her ex arriving to see his children, I would take the high road here, and for the moment, not demand more of her- such as attention, to reassure you.

Make the best of the situation. Be polite and cordial, and help out and assist her as much as possible to allow for a good visit from her ex with his children.

After he goes, and the dust settles, should she persist in treating you badly (which she is) by dumping the ultimate weapon on you (she loved somebody far more than she ever did you sort of thing), then step up again, and expect accountability.

To that, insist on marriage counselling. Go for a few sessions so that you can express how you have been made to feel by her words and actions. Allow her to express why she feels the way she does, which has caused her to deal with her own stressors, by hurting you.

She needs to put the cards on the table, and figure this out, so she realizes how she is harming her relationship with you. And she needs to learn how to better handle problems in a positive constructive way. She can learn if she wants to.

So until that part of the relationship is sorted out, just keep doing what you are doing, but don't allow yourself to feel insecure or jealous. There are better ways of solving problems.