[RNmama]

Hello, I'm a 39 yr old divorced woman with no children. I've been dating a 40 yr old man (no kids, never married) for over 9 months. Earlier in our relationship he said he was open to having kids, but also added that if he loved someone that did NOT want children, he wouldn't leave her over it. I remember telling him, "well you don't seem very passionate on having kids", he simply responded that he understood it sounded that way, but that wasn't the case.

About 4 months ago, the conversations came up again, and this time he told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted children and he wasn't sure about marriage, and would just cross that bridge when the time was right. He seemed very uncomfortable and looked like a deer in headlights! I was upset, but he somehow schmoozed me into getting over it, and we were all lovey dovey again.


He is very sweet to me, caring, and I trust him completely, He always wants to be together, and we always spend our nights together at my place or his.

I was ready to end the relationship a few weeks ago (although I didn't tell him so), because he had yet to tell me he loved me, and I felt that if he didn't feel that he has love for me by now, he probably never would. He told me a few days after that that he loved me, I was happy and told him I love him too.

However, I began doubting our relationship, because he's so shy and conservative, that he never really talks or ask questions about our relationship. He is not close to his mother or siblings at all, which is strange to me. When I ask him about why, he simply says "I was always alone, so I grew up very independent". They barely talk, and his father died when he was young. I'm very close with my mother, and I've often heard that you should watch how a man acts with his family, and that will show what kind of man he is. Well, he is NOT close with his family at all, but he's always wanting to be with me, that's good isn't it? When my m other visits from overseas, he's gets along so well with her. I just can't seem to understand it.

Anyway, my dilemma is - Last night, I finally snapped and told him that I was tired of him always buying things for my place and then the same thing for his place. I told him it shows me that he doesn't see me as really having a future together if we always have to have for example, a $400 juicer at my place, and then if he likes it, he will buy one for his place too. I told him last night, that I want him to figure out what he wants in life, because "I don't know" isn't a fair answer for me. He's not 20 or 30, he's 40, and I just want a straight answer that no, he doesn't want children or marriage, or that yes, he would like that for himself in the near future.
(I told him that I want to be with someone that has the same goals as I do and a few of those goals are being married and trying to have a child in the next year or two). He told me that he feels the problem is that I feel 9 months is enough time to have a conversation about cohabitation, but for him it's not. He says he's still trying to see how well we get along. I can't help but think how his best friend was engaged to girl after 8 months of dating, and they only saw each other on the weekends - We see each other EVERYDAY! I'm afraid that I got caught up with my emotions, and should have waited a little while longer, or if I made the right choice. I told him that I don't need to get married right now or in the next 6 months, just want to know if we both have the same goals of wanting marriage and a child later down the road.

I told him to think about what he wants in life. For him to take a month, 3 months, hell even a year if he needs to, and if he realizes that he wants the same things I do in life, and if I'm still available and he's still available, that then maybe we can try again.

Right now I regret saying this. I didn't even let him respond. I told him to think about what he wanted for himself in life, and then I told him, "I love you, and I'll miss you, goodbye".

I'm hoping he will come back to me, but I don 't know. I do know I'm lonely and miss him so much. My heart is aching and I can't stop crying.

Did I get caught up in my emotions and over react? Should I email or call him and tell him that I want to talk? I hate to do this after I did all that, but I keep thinking how he said, "so we're not going to have a discussion over this?". And I said no. He then said, "so what do u want me to do?", I said, "I want you to figure out want you want in life".

My birthday is in the next 10 days, and I fear I will not even hear from him. Did I make a mistake? Was I wrong in telling him all this? I don't think I gave him an ultimatum, did I?

Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

[joypulv]

I think you absolutely did the right thing.
Someone who buys a $400 kitchen item for each of you has no intention of living together. He's comfortable the way he is.
None of us can know what he will do next. Make birthday plans for yourself by inviting as many people as you know to a restaurant that has big tables. I used to do that because mine is in December and we are always forgotten in the Christmas rush. If he calls that day, invite him to join the group as though it's no big deal.
And you need to do some research on pregnancy after 40, in case you do meet someone who wants one.

[RNmama]

I think you absolutely did the right thing.
Someone who buys a $400 kitchen item for each of you has no intention of living together. He's comfortable the way he is.
None of us can know what he will do next. Make birthday plans for yourself by inviting as many people as you know to a restaurant that has big tables. I used to do that because mine is in December and we are always forgotten in the Christmas rush. If he calls that day, invite him to join the group as though it's no big deal.
And you need to do some research on pregnancy after 40, in case you do meet someone who wants one.

Thank you for the response. Do you have any idea why he always wants to be with me then? Do you think that 9 months is too soon for a man to at least talk about future plans, such as cohabitation? I realize everyone is different, but should have waited till 12 months? Someone told me that a lot of men who are 40 and up, and have never married or have kids, are more scared and not in a rush to move forward. What are your thoughts on this?

Thanks

[talaniman]

I think 9 months is way to soon to be tripping /planning for the future for forever. Why can't you relax and enjoy getting to know each other? What's the hurry to start family planning?

Seems you both are old enough to know better.

[RNmama]

I think 9 months is way to soon to be tripping /planning for the future for forever. Why can't you relax and enjoy getting to know each other? Whats the hurry to start family planning?

Seems you both are old enough to know better.

I appreciate your response, however the reason I'm anxious to know if he ever wants marriage and or a child is because I'm 39. Having a baby after 40 can have complications - it has been done, but it's something you have to carefully consider.

Every year that passes with someone who doesn't know, is another year that passes my chances for ever becoming a mother fades. I'm open to adoption, if I'm not able to have a child, but would want to try to have my own.

I'm not asking him to tell me right now if he wants to marry me, just if that's something he sees himself wanting for himself in the near future. Do think that's wrong?

I've played it cool before with exes, and I think it's difficult for many women to just relax and see where it goes.

I fear if I just relax, what if another year passes and he still doesn't know what he wants in life? When is the reasonable amount of time a 40 yr old man should know whether he ever wants marriage and a child?

Thanks

[talaniman]

That's absolutely insane, and puts pressure on you to force things unnecessarily. Having been divorced and no children should have taught you to choose your partners carefully, and develop the relationship, and marriage(?), before you start worrying about a ticking clock.

Biological instincts over common sense is what teen agers do. Especially dealing with a 40 year old with no previous marriage experiences. Look I understand powerful urges, I do, but if they are your only motivation, you miss the whole process of enjoying getting to know someone, and replaced it with a hunt for baby daddy.

That's so unbalanced, and dangerous, and would scare the hell out of any man. This is a self defeating way of going about getting what you want.

May I suggest, date them all, and commit, and be exclusive to NONE, until you find one who feels as you do. That at least widens your options, increases the opportunities, and won't waste your time by being stuck in drama over MAKING someone be the one you want!

Things can develop a lot more naturally, and effectively. The way you are going, you may as well conk him over the head, and drag him to the cave.

[RNmama]

Thats absolutely insane, and puts pressure on you to force things unnecessarily. Having been divorced and no children should have taught you to choose your partners carefully, and develop the relationship, and marriage(?), before you start worrying about a ticking clock.

Biological instincts over common sense is what teen agers do. Especially dealing with a 40 year old with no previous marriage experiences. Look I understand powerful urges, I do, but if they are your only motivation, you miss the whole process of enjoying getting to know someone, and replaced it with a hunt for baby daddy.

Thats so unbalanced, and dangerous, and would scare the hell out of any man. This is a self defeating way of going about getting what you want.

May I suggest, date them all, and commit, and be exclusive to NONE, until you find one who feels as you do. That at least widens your options, increases the opportunities, and won't waste your time by being stuck in drama over MAKING someone be the one you want!

Things can develop a lot more naturally, and effectively. The way you are going, you may as well conk him over the head, and drag him to the cave.

You suggest I date many men? I've considered that, but how do I commit to them, and not be exclusive? The man I just broke things off with said he wanted to be exclusive. How do you answer that if you are seeing other men? I don't see anything wrong with dating other people, but I'm not the kind of person to sleep with more than one man in the loop.

So, do you feel I should not have told the man I was in a relationship with, to figure out what he wants in life? Do you think I should contact him and tell him I regret not trying to discuss things first before acting out? If we did try again, how would go along and date other people? I would have to tell him, and he probably won't like the idea, then what?

[WisperWill70]

The way you're approaching your relationship is distancing. When you don't feel like you know the lay of the land and "where you're going" you pull the plug in an attempt to make him decide about how he feels. Other dating relationships might have failed due to your impatience or fears too. -- This makes the perfect combination of "needy" (let's have a relationship and babies!) and DISTANCING (that's it, I'm done!) which every man reacts to in resistance or just plain bailing out.

I understand that your biological clock is ticking, but the whole point of a relationship at this time in your life is not just to find some warm body who is ready to be a dad and get married... (as a divorcée you know from experience the fact that you get married isn't what makes a relationship!)... the point now is to find someone you can develop a relationship with and get to know deeply as has been said here.

"So do you see yourself wanting to get married and have children" is not a question that you can pose to someone whom you're not connecting to on an emotional level and who you spend more of your time trying to anticipate and stay 2 steps ahead of. If he doesn't feel connected to you he may keep buying double vitamax mixers and juicers. This man might be perfectly comfortable having kids one day, he might be ready for a serious relationship and even getting closer to you as time goes by and as you evolve the connection he has more "reason" to want to be there... - but you'll never find out this way! I have to say though, -- if you are looking for a speedy delivery relationship, or marriage sounds like this guy may not fit the bill. (he's 40 with no marriage or long term relationship history?)

As far as going back out and trying again, - date some men, get to know them as people... in my way of thinking "commit" yourself means that you can be open to understanding them, getting to know them, relating to them and finding out if they're on the same page about life as you are. That doesn't have ANYTHING to do with sleeping with a bunch of guys. That means slowing down the race-car so that you can enjoy the view and take stock of the people you're with. You're more apt to avoid some of the hasty pitfall connections that way.

If you let the boyfriend back in and try to reconnect (and do you even want to? His well-worn path of his solitary life is pretty ingrained) you have to be willing to really be with him and be in the present and let go of some of your target fascination. And he knows where he can find you -- IF he finds himself wanting to be on the same page.

[Fr_Chuck]

You do not commit that is the issue, you just date,

Also if you are having sex with him when he comes over, does he stay the night at times.
That may be well keeping him happy with no need to commit to marriage.

[twiggylondon]

Hey, let him go. To be honest, someone at your age needs to go on first dates with your offers and what you want and lay them on the table. Let them know what you want.
If they change there mind, get up and walk out that door and do not look back.
Be strong, the right people are out there.

[talaniman]

QUOTE by RNmama;
You suggest I date many men? I've considered that, but how do I commit to them, and not be exclusive?

You don't

The man I just broke things off with said he wanted to be exclusive. How do you answer that if you are seeing other men?

You don't, you turn him down

I don't see anything wrong with dating other people, but I'm not the kind of person to sleep with more than one man in the loop.

Then don't sleep with anyone.

So, do you feel I should not have told the man I was in a relationship with, to figure out what he wants in life?

After 9 months??? Thats crazy!!!

Do you think I should contact him and tell him I regret not trying to discuss things first before acting out? If we did try again, how would go along and date other people? I would have to tell him, and he probably won't like the idea, then what?

Then you cross him off the list of husband material, and from what you wrote, he is a confirmed bachelor any way. But exclusive sex is a great deal for him, isn't it?

I obviously think your ticking clock is triggered, and made more intense by "exclusive, commited" sex, and makes you a bit... PUSHY, and IMPATIENT!!

[RNmama]

Now I'm feeling really foolish. Every woman I talk to seems to agree with my actions. I'm guessing from the names, that the rest of the people responding are men. I think I have usually been quick to pull the plug when I don't know where things are going. I have never dated more than one man at a time, and it's difficult for me. I guess I will try. It's hard when you really care for someone to see other people.

I really miss him though. I don't know what to do, I'm considering contacting him and saying that I regret not trying to have a discussion of my worries first, before acting out. I admit I feel I didn't think logically, just emotionally. If we try again, I will try to not be so consumed with where it's going, and I will definitely try to meet other men. I don't know how that's going to work with him though. I feel I should be honest that I may date other men, how do you do that when he wanted to be exclusive? Oy vay!

[RNmama]

The way you're approaching your relationship is distancing. When you don't feel like you know the lay of the land and "where you're going" you pull the plug in an attempt to make him decide about how he feels. Other dating relationships might have failed due to your impatience or fears too. -- This makes the perfect combination of "needy" (let's have a relationship and babies!) and DISTANCING (that's it, I'm done!) which every man reacts to in resistance or just plain bailing out.

I understand that your biological clock is ticking, but the whole point of a relationship at this time in your life is not just to find some warm body who is ready to be a dad and get married.... (as a divorcee you know from experience the fact that you get married isn't what makes a relationship!) ... the point now is to find someone you can develop a relationship with and get to know deeply as has been said here.

"So do you see yourself wanting to get married and have children" is not a question that you can pose to someone whom you're not connecting to on an emotional level and who you spend more of your time trying to anticipate and stay 2 steps ahead of. If he doesn't feel connected to you he may keep buying double vitamax mixers and juicers. This man might be perfectly comfortable having kids one day, he might be ready for a serious relationship and even getting closer to you as time goes by and as you evolve the connection he has more "reason" to want to be there... - but you'll never find out this way! I have to say though, -- if you are looking for a speedy delivery relationship, or marriage sounds like this guy may not fit the bill. (he's 40 with no marriage or long term relationship history?)

As far as going back out and trying again, - date some men, get to know them as people... in my way of thinking "commit" yourself means that you can be open to understanding them, getting to know them, relating to them and finding out if they're on the same page about life as you are. That doesn't have ANYTHING to do with sleeping with a bunch of guys. That means slowing down the race-car so that you can enjoy the view and take stock of the people you're with. You're more apt to avoid some of the hasty pitfall connections that way.

If you let the boyfriend back in and try to reconnect (and do you even want to? His well-worn path of his solitary life is pretty ingrained) you have to be willing to really be with him and be in the present and let go of some of your target fascination. And he knows where he can find you -- IF he finds himself wanting to be on the same page.

Now I'm feeling really foolish. Every woman I talk to seems to agree with my actions. I'm guessing from the names, that the rest of the people responding are men. I think I have usually been quick to pull the plug when I don't know where things are going. I have never dated more than one man at a time, and it's difficult for me. I guess I will try. It's hard when you really care for someone to see other people.

I really miss him though. I don't know what to do, I'm considering contacting him and saying that I regret not trying to have a discussion of my worries first, before acting out. I admit I feel I didn't think logically, just emotionally. If we try again, I will try to not be so consumed with where it's going, and I will definitely try to meet other men. I don't know how that's going to work with him though. I feel I should be honest that I may date other men, how do you do that when he wanted to be exclusive? Oy vay!

[RNmama]

You don't


You don't, you turn him down


Then don't sleep with anyone.


After 9 months??? Thats crazy!!!


Then you cross him off the list of husband material, and from what you wrote, he is a confirmed bachelor any way. But exclusive sex is a great deal for him, isn't it?

I obviously think your ticking clock is triggered, and made more intense by "exclusive, commited" sex, and makes you a bit............................................... .....PUSHY, and IMPATIENT!!!!

Now I'm feeling really foolish. Every woman I talk to seems to agree with my actions. I'm guessing from the names, that the rest of the people responding are men. I think I have usually been quick to pull the plug when I don't know where things are going. I have never dated more than one man at a time, and it's difficult for me. I guess I will try. It's hard when you really care for someone to see other people.

I really miss him though. I don't know what to do, I'm considering contacting him and saying that I regret not trying to have a discussion of my worries first, before acting out. I admit I feel I didn't think logically, just emotionally. If we try again, I will try to not be so consumed with where it's going, and I will definitely try to meet other men. I don't know how that's going to work with him though. I feel I should be honest that I may date other men, how do you do that when he wanted to be exclusive? Oy vay!

[jmjoseph]

Find someone with common goals.

Your biological clock is ticking, yes. But you still have time. Stop wasting it though with someone who buys duplicate appliances.

Good luck to you.

[talaniman]

He wanted to be exclusive for his purposes, not yours. You should give this some thought before you decide what you want to do next.