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shell_bell1976 · May 4, 2012, 08:46 AM

My 4 year old just told me that his 9 year old brother is touching him. I don't know what to do... I don't feel I can work objectively with my eldest son to discuss this... I was asked by my older brother to touch him, this has been something that has stayed with more and was a secret until 3 weeks ago. Now my family hate me and think I should have left the dirty little secret buried. Hence not knowing what to do... It has triggered me badly. I am scared will my youngest son remember this he is 4 and a half do I need to get him counseling? I know its definitely on the cards for the eldest one. But how do I approach it right now Before that How do I find out if anything happened?? How do I do this without breaking down because of my own past. I can't get hold of kids dad its 2 am. I need help before the kids wake at 6 am... before I need to pretend this didn't happen until I can get support. I have no family or friends I can call. Any advice would be greatly appreciated Thank you

Agalways · May 4, 2012, 09:50 PM

U need to report this this is not just something you forget you yourself cannot please get help he's 4 he will remember confront your 9 yr old in some cases this happens because they have been touched themselves you need to take care of it before your 4 yr old thinks its OK

FirstChair · May 5, 2012, 02:06 AM

Hi Shell,

I know you are scared and not sure what to do. Your emotions right now could be as the emotions of that little girl you were. However, at this time, your 9 year old probably is feeling scared too. He needs you and your other son needs you. You are a strong woman and not that little girl anymore, but the nurturing parent in you needs to take care of that vulnerable young girl in you. Your 9 year old son is not your brother and he is not a monster. He needs help and it is up to you to seek help for him and he needs his father's help as well. If you feel it would be better if his father talked with your 9 year old or both of you together, whatever you feel is best for your son in having him open up and talk then go in that direction.

Do not punish your 9 year old or cause him to feel shame or fear. He needs professional therapy and you both need to support this.

Try to remain calm from this point on. Try to figure out what actually happened. To do this, it's important to stay calm. Staying calm will allow you to make clear decisions about what you say and/or do, rather than acting on strong emotions.

When talking to son about sexual behaviors, it's important to maintain calm and even tone of voice and to ask open-ended questions as much as possible, so he can tell what happened in his own words, rather than just answering yes or no. So, you might ask him:

What were you doing to your brother?
How did you get the idea?
How did you learn about this?
How do you now feel about doing this?

Teach what your son needs to know that it is not acceptable or OK for him to touch his younger brother's private parts nor is it OK for anyone to touch HIS private body parts at this time in his life. However, I think it is possible this might not have been a sexually motivated action. A therapist can help with evaluating this.

Others might respond here too so check back here from time to time. Maybe someone else can give you additional information that will be helpful. Take care, it will be OK and so will your son when he receives the help he needs. Remember he needs your love and support. As always, take care of you as well.

Below is a website pdf file for you to read as you prepare to find someone in your area to access if your child needs counseling and perhaps your other child as well.

Information for Parents and Caregivers:

http://nctsn.org/nctsn_assets/pdfs/c...orproblems.pdf